SteppingStone

My boyfriend moved out nearly 3 weeks ago. He has been clean & sober for almost 7 months (which I am so proud of) but I feel a resentment towards the 'fellowship' for our break up.

We were together for over 5 years and they haven't been easy but I stuck by him, loved him & even introduced him to these meetings. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, who has bonded with him no end.

Although I am grateful for his abstinence, I am devastated that, after having the strength & loyalty to stick by him through all the chaos (and there was a lot of chaos!), he would just leave me. It feels like a kick in the teeth.

I have read a lot of this happening but I just wanted to know if there's anyone out there that has actually been able to mend/rekindle their relationship? I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that I deserve better but its him that I want!

I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but didn't feel it was for me.

Is there hope for us?

IOAA2

Not knowing the situation I advise more than a couple of Al Anon meetings, perhaps +20. JMO BE WELL

wiscsober

I'm sure there is hope...

I'm more concerned for you instead of the relationship.

Alanon is a big part of my recovery...

I think it took several months of meetings before I
got to a comfort level that was alright...

Take care of yourself and daughter...

It is of no sense thinking you are responsible for any of his recovery...

You only have control over your recovery...family members and loved ones
also become sick from living with the addict and alcoholic.

You didn't cause his illness...
can't control it...
can't cure it.

Mentium

It is hard to say without more info as the post above says. Getting sober can make a huge difference to how a person thinks and feels and the world and all that's in it can look pretty different.

That's one reason why the received wisdom one tends to hear in AA is to leave big decisions (to do with relationships in particular) until one has been sober for a good stretch..some say two years in fact, though I wouldn't be that prescriptive.

Of course that is in a perfect world, which they rarely are of course.

Can't you talk with him about what this is all about?

Skye2

I was going to say more-or-less what Mentium has said. Communication seems to be the key here - also, space - whatever his reasons or whatever it's all about, he seems to be wanting space right now

Hope things work out the way you want them to

Xx

Mountainmanbob

Understandable they weren't for my wife either
best thing to do is just leave him alone
let the birdie fly away
don't be known to be needey for him
and
he may wake up and smell the coffee
and
give you a call

mountainman

Dee74

Hi sbfoxy

Being left behind after someone 'fixes themselves' is unfortunately pretty common, even outside recovery, and outside of groups like AA or whatever.

I recommend you also look at our Friends and Family forums - you'll find support down there too.

D

SteppingStone

Thanks guys,

This is the first time I've joined a Forum & Im so touched by all the help/advice.

We are still on speaking terms Mentium so, yes, I can speak to him. He says his head is like 'a bag of spanners' and he really needs to concentrate on himself. He said I should start going out & meeting people, go on dates when I feel ready, etc. but this hurts because I'm taking this as finalisation that the relationship is over for good.

As for Al-Anon meetings, I feel nervous & uncomfortable when having to speak in group situations too so I suppose this has contributed in my reluctance to go back. Is there anything else I could do?

Mountainmannob, did your wife just give up on her own recovery or did she try something other than Al-Anon? Did you desperate and, if so, did you 'wake up & smell the coffee' one day?

Thank you all so much for making me feel welcome & offering advice. And Dee74, I'll also try the Friends & Family Forums. I guess I wanted to know how 'the other side' looks at this situation, if they experienced a similar point in their recovery, how they dealt with it & what the outcome has been.

I suppose this is difficult for all involved. The good thing is that the addicts r alive, clean & sober for today and, for that, I am thankful.

cheebiechi

Good morning SB,

Well from this alcoholics view,
My wife started growing long before I started, which sounds a lot like yourself introducing him to meetings.

She found her amazing strength in her higher power, and began changing herself rather than worrying about our relationship (which was 16 years of marriage). She has told me after I was sober about two months that she wanted the best for me, whatever that may be as long as I was healthy and not using.

which at that time I really did not understand that statement, "how could she want that after all these years of marriage?" But with my almost a years worth of working on me, and among other stuff, I get it now! Its for me seeing the positive changes in someone u care about, and however those changes occur.

The great thing is that your still talking to him, and learning and hopefully growing with him. So I hope this long azz reply has been helpful!

have a great day and stay strong!

Anna

As Dee said, this isn't an uncommon situation that happens in early recovery. For me, and for many of us, I changed a great deal in recovery. Fortunately, my relationship remained intact, even though it changed.

My advice is to focus on yourself and your daughter.

SteppingStone

Sorry for auto correct..............and lack of sleep! I meant 'Mountainmanbob' and "Did you seperate........"

I do apologise

ReadyAtLast

Since getting sober my relationship has changed,mainly because I've changed so much. I'm different mentally and emotionally. Luckily my marriage is still intact though there have been a few difficult moments.

I agree with the others, it seems very common to re-assess your situation once you get sober. Maybe he just wants time alone or a fresh start. I know I don't want the memories of what I did drunk and have physically removed myself from most of the people and places of my drinking past.

Whatever it is, it is unfortunately out of your control. Let him go and concentrate on rebuilding your life and your children.

Mountainmanbob

My wife made arrangements for Christian counseling for us
I had been running a muck and was willing to make change
it always takes two so as to make it work

doesn't sound like your man is ready
especially if he is telling you to start seeing others
I feel for you because that is not a good sign

mountainman

foolsgold66

Perhaps, perhaps not. Is there anything important you aren't telling us about YOU?

least

Give him the space he wants and take care of yourself and your daughter. He may come back, he may not. You have no control over what he does, only how you react to it.

CharlieNoogan

Your boyfriend was not "stolen" by AA/CA. There is no part of the program that encourages members to leave their significant others.

Often, addicts/alcoholics (myself included) once sober, realize that the stresses of their romantic relationship were a huge trigger. I am fairly confident that I would not be coming up on a year of sobriety if I were also dealing with the emotional issues that come along with a relationship, especially with a codependent.

It sounds like you hope the relationship will re-kindle at some point. Rather than resent AA/CA as well as your boyfriend, consider offering your support assuming he maintains his recovery. As he gets to know himself better and becomes more confident, perhaps things will naturally mend between the two of you.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are very good ways for you to take care of yourself in the meantime as well as gain an understanding of the 12-step work he is doing.

EndGameNYC

This is often a death knell for relationships. Sounds to me as though he's looking for an excuse to do what he's recommending that you do. In the same family as "Why can't we just be friends?"

SteppingStone

Thank you all for your advice. I feel like I need some guidance & support at the moment as he has his programme, guidance & support but for me, I don't know what to do or where to start.

In reply to FoolsGold, Im not sure what you mean about something I may not be telling you. I found the meetings for him, I stuck by him & encouraged him from the beginning
(he even said he couldn't have done it without me by his side). He even said that this programme saved our relationship - that was until 3 weeks ago when he moved out. I never moaned that he was going to too many meetings or when he was arriving home at midnight because he was going for Coffee with people from the Fellowship, because as far as I was concerned, this is keeping him clean, sober AND alive!

Someone asked me if its HIM that I want or a close, loving relationship and the more I think about it, it could be the latter because a big part of the hurt and sadness I am feeling at the moment is loneliness and having no-one to share life with. I DO love him to bits though so Im very confused.

I DO know that I am glad I found SR and I will keep coming back to share and read other people's experiences as it may give me some hope that happier times are on the horizon.

xx

ReadyAtLast

I think the person who said him telling you to date others is maybe a license for him to do that himself has a valid point.

If my husband was out till midnight alarm bells would be ringing. Staying out for coffee with friends till midnight when you have a wife/partner at home is not normal/acceptable behaviour imo. Maybe he isn't being strictly honest with you as doesn't want to hurt your feelings

I hope you can now concentrate on looking after you

SteppingStone

Hmm, Im not too sure. I do believe him when he goes for coffee because it seems to be what a lot of them do and he has invited them to the house on occasions so I know how they can get when they start talking (they can talk for hours!)

We are still on talking terms, its just that we don't speak on a daily basis. He says he loves me so much but just needs to concentrate on his own recovery.

Am I being too trusting or naïve???