New here......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
New here......
Hi everyone,
First time here and it seems like a great forum. I was directed here by another recovering individual and I'm happy I took the advice. I've been struggling off and on since March of this year and, having done major life altering changes over the past couple of months, have struggled even more. I've embraced a new AA community that seems as though it will be a great support group, but as all of us I'm sure can attest to, change for the alcoholic is something akin to learning Chinese in a couple of days. We (I) just don't digest it well. There's certainly been some new serenity with the new environs, but also some very, very difficult self assessment that has taken place. More or less being honest with myself, digging deeper into resentments, hurts, losses. I have finally been able to admit to myself that said loses were indeed the result of my drinking. The loss of a marriage, several really good jobs, friendships, relationships, a promising music career.......all of these. It's daunting, frightening, full of more of those hurts and regrets ("Jesus, had I just recognized sooner, that loss would have never happened - look where I *could be*). That hurts. And, it immediately makes me think of the bourbon on those long nights and how I could simply give myself away to it again for the moment and gain the "f-this" attitude I wore on my sleeve for so long. Always f-this. There's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else. If everyone else could quit screwing up my life, I'd be fine with a cocktail or two. Ultimately....yeah, wrong. Anyhoo, glad to have found you all and look forward to contributing, listening, asking, just being here with my comrades in this struggle. Best to everyone on a lovely Saturday! Merc.
First time here and it seems like a great forum. I was directed here by another recovering individual and I'm happy I took the advice. I've been struggling off and on since March of this year and, having done major life altering changes over the past couple of months, have struggled even more. I've embraced a new AA community that seems as though it will be a great support group, but as all of us I'm sure can attest to, change for the alcoholic is something akin to learning Chinese in a couple of days. We (I) just don't digest it well. There's certainly been some new serenity with the new environs, but also some very, very difficult self assessment that has taken place. More or less being honest with myself, digging deeper into resentments, hurts, losses. I have finally been able to admit to myself that said loses were indeed the result of my drinking. The loss of a marriage, several really good jobs, friendships, relationships, a promising music career.......all of these. It's daunting, frightening, full of more of those hurts and regrets ("Jesus, had I just recognized sooner, that loss would have never happened - look where I *could be*). That hurts. And, it immediately makes me think of the bourbon on those long nights and how I could simply give myself away to it again for the moment and gain the "f-this" attitude I wore on my sleeve for so long. Always f-this. There's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else. If everyone else could quit screwing up my life, I'd be fine with a cocktail or two. Ultimately....yeah, wrong. Anyhoo, glad to have found you all and look forward to contributing, listening, asking, just being here with my comrades in this struggle. Best to everyone on a lovely Saturday! Merc.
Merc - glad you joined us 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Thank you Venecia and Hayley....I like the "together" comment. Is that not how we survive? Methinks so. I missed my home group this morning simply because sleep won the early morning battle. Oh my Lord, the guilt. More alcoholic guilt. I shall be there tomorrow AM with bells on. 
Meantime, thought I'd just share a piece of my online journal from last night - pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane these days......
"You know, I'm sitting with the last ciggie of the night considering today's meeting and the hurt I heard from a particular woman this morning, obviously not doing well, obviously carrying baggage from pasts that were not elaborated on but still stood on their own. Resentment. It's the simple bane of all alcoholics. We resent all and sundry. All of our problems stemmed from *other* people....we never look inward whilst boozing to see the problems are self-driven. It's like we *want* to hurt because it's the only way to connect with persons we love, or pasts, or regrets. Sick, no? It's like we'd almost rather beat our heads bloody on a wall rather than say "I'm walking away from this, sure, I'm sorry, but this really hurts to stay in this place, in front of this bloody wall". This seems obvious to people who aren't addicted, but for those of us stuck in the whirlwind, it's like epiphany when you finally *get* it. I've heard such from from several places or persons but I remember watching a Wayne Dyer PBS lecture...he said, simply "You know, it's like walking around with these huge bags, big monstrous duffle bags full of garbage, broken glass, broken things. They clank and clatter around while you drag them through the day and they make you really tired, dragging them in and out of the car, to your office at work, everywhere you go. They are, simply, resentment, guilt, fear, heartbreak.... What if you were to let those go? What if you were to drop them on the sidewalk this moment? You might feel as though you're missing something, those big heavy bags you've become so used to. Ones where you can dig into pasts and feel the same familiar feelings you always felt. Sure, they hurt, but they are, indeed, familiar, sickly comforting somehow...." How about taking a chance and dropping them? I've started to do this during my recovery but I see persons unwilling to let the garbage go, and I'm not very good at it either. It's so sad to see (me) and you want to shake the person (myself in the mirror) and say "listen, look at all of this crap. You can ditch it, forgive, walk away. Not necessarily *forget*, but, rather, allow yourself to be happy and not carrying so much ******* weight around. It's hard at first. You're ditching *familiarity*, that which supposedly sustained you all of these years (Mercutio). Once you start casting off, though, it gets easier, starts going faster, soon the lightness you feel is strange but "interesting" in the mind of an addict. "Hey, *this IS* weird but feels pretty good...I might be on to something here". Seriously, that addicted mind works so backwards. "This feels good, what the hell is going on here, there's no booze or drugs but it kind of feels...well, good". Simply my own little mini rant.......forgive me if I state the obvious. These bits come at random times and you (I) want to shout them out to the neighborhood "Hey! I got it, this makes sense!" Anyway..............
Meantime, thought I'd just share a piece of my online journal from last night - pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane these days......"You know, I'm sitting with the last ciggie of the night considering today's meeting and the hurt I heard from a particular woman this morning, obviously not doing well, obviously carrying baggage from pasts that were not elaborated on but still stood on their own. Resentment. It's the simple bane of all alcoholics. We resent all and sundry. All of our problems stemmed from *other* people....we never look inward whilst boozing to see the problems are self-driven. It's like we *want* to hurt because it's the only way to connect with persons we love, or pasts, or regrets. Sick, no? It's like we'd almost rather beat our heads bloody on a wall rather than say "I'm walking away from this, sure, I'm sorry, but this really hurts to stay in this place, in front of this bloody wall". This seems obvious to people who aren't addicted, but for those of us stuck in the whirlwind, it's like epiphany when you finally *get* it. I've heard such from from several places or persons but I remember watching a Wayne Dyer PBS lecture...he said, simply "You know, it's like walking around with these huge bags, big monstrous duffle bags full of garbage, broken glass, broken things. They clank and clatter around while you drag them through the day and they make you really tired, dragging them in and out of the car, to your office at work, everywhere you go. They are, simply, resentment, guilt, fear, heartbreak.... What if you were to let those go? What if you were to drop them on the sidewalk this moment? You might feel as though you're missing something, those big heavy bags you've become so used to. Ones where you can dig into pasts and feel the same familiar feelings you always felt. Sure, they hurt, but they are, indeed, familiar, sickly comforting somehow...." How about taking a chance and dropping them? I've started to do this during my recovery but I see persons unwilling to let the garbage go, and I'm not very good at it either. It's so sad to see (me) and you want to shake the person (myself in the mirror) and say "listen, look at all of this crap. You can ditch it, forgive, walk away. Not necessarily *forget*, but, rather, allow yourself to be happy and not carrying so much ******* weight around. It's hard at first. You're ditching *familiarity*, that which supposedly sustained you all of these years (Mercutio). Once you start casting off, though, it gets easier, starts going faster, soon the lightness you feel is strange but "interesting" in the mind of an addict. "Hey, *this IS* weird but feels pretty good...I might be on to something here". Seriously, that addicted mind works so backwards. "This feels good, what the hell is going on here, there's no booze or drugs but it kind of feels...well, good". Simply my own little mini rant.......forgive me if I state the obvious. These bits come at random times and you (I) want to shout them out to the neighborhood "Hey! I got it, this makes sense!" Anyway..............
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Happy to meet you Merc! This is a wonderful place for friendship & encouragement.
You sound very positive & are off to a great start. I hope you'll be kind and patient with yourself as you heal from all you've been through. I almost started drinking again due to the guilt and remorse I felt over things I could never change. Try not to waste emotions and energy on the past. Be proud of yourself for seeing what needed to happen & taking action. We're glad you're here.
You sound very positive & are off to a great start. I hope you'll be kind and patient with yourself as you heal from all you've been through. I almost started drinking again due to the guilt and remorse I felt over things I could never change. Try not to waste emotions and energy on the past. Be proud of yourself for seeing what needed to happen & taking action. We're glad you're here.
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