Caravagio

So I've been doing ok ish since April then BOOM! Last night or rather this morning happened. I'm a scriptwriter and today I had a deadline to meet. I'm up writing until about 4am and then I decide, after having already drank 4 beers, to go and get a bottle of vodka with orange. The vodka and orange thing is about me using fuzzy logic. The logic that says ' I'll continue writing and vodka doesn't leave me with a hangover'...fast forward to deadline time and I'm crashed out in bed and only just came to about an hour ago. I refuse to call it waking up. I missed my deadline. I've talked to the people who matter and they have, very kindly, allowed me to send something through on Monday. The kindness they showed is probably the kindness I need to show myself. Except my kindness to myself is often in the form of reward. And yes, that reward is always liquor related.

Back to my question...Why do I do this? Why is it that my 'lower' self wins and stops my 'higher' self from triumphing. I am also very aware that being a scriptwriter is kind of darkly comic as I know I need to rewrite my own personal script.

Why do I do this? and, very importantly What Can I do? Do I need to look at the what? before the why?

All advice will be gratefully received x

huntingtontx

I can only say what is working for me. I take it one day at a time. I go to the 24 hour thread and post daily. I attend the meetings here on twice a week. There will be one tonight. 8 PM central. I go to chat when I need to talk to someone, or if I want a drink. I love being sober. My face is not puffy, my head is clear and I remember the night before. There is still the desire to drink, but you don't have to give in to all desires. If you don't drink no one is going to pour it down your throat. Don't get a drink for yourself, end of story. I am also working the steps. I am new at this, but this is working for me. I have another week for it to be two months, but I am feeling good and loving life. I hope that will help you. I know you can do this, one day at a time.

whiskeyman

The monster will do it to us everytime.
The monster is always waiting for us to let go just a little bit.

have you researched recovery methods.

doggonecarl

I'd say you are an alcoholic. In addiction, the mid-brain will always win out over the higher brain if you don't understand the dynamics of addiction.

What can you do? Treat it like the problem it is (addiction) and get yourself into a recovery program, out-patient substance abuse program. Something.

You don't need to look at what or why...just HOW. HOW to quit drinking. And do it.

least

I don't think the 'why' matters as much as what you're going to do about it. Do you have a plan to stop drinking? CarolD used to say that when you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be able to stay sober. I hope you can find your way to sobriety.

Kza

next time it happens knock on the neighbours door and borrow his dog

DecBaby

You do it cuz you're an addict. You know you shouldn't do it but you do anyway. Why aren't you doing something to change it is probably a better question.

IOAA2

I did that sort of thing because I'm an alcoholic and what brain power I had while drinking was not functioning well under the influence of the alcohol. The answer on how to survive before very bad things happen internally is to STOP drinking. As for why we drank to excess, many don't like the answer, to wash away, escape our feelings we are unable to deal with. Both answers are simple, not always easy to straighten out. BE WELL

lessgravity

You need a plan. Do you have a plan?

AlefVavResh

The thing that has been working for me is something someone wrote on SR "fast forward this movie". (since you're a scriptwriter, this may resonate )

So, imagine yourself the next morning, coming to as you so aptly put it, thinking WTF? What time is it? What did I write the last two hours I was conscious of my surroundings? The feeling like crap, the having to lie, etc.

mecanix

Were you putting yourself under undue stress with the deadline ?

I know sometimes the peace of the night is good for writing but 4am seems a pushing it to me ..
Whats happend in the last few days / weeks thats different to the sober time since april ?

Bestwishes, m

EndGameNYC

I agree that the 'why' is not nearly as important as is putting down the drink. For this, I'll again reference the Parable Of The Poison Arrow.

As long as we continue to fail, we have a built-in rationalization to continue drinking. It's what we do.

In the AA Big Book, there's a line that goes something like, "Alcoholics have a knack for going on a bender at the most inopportune times." Doesn't sound like you went on a bender, but you drank enough to get the same results.

jazzfish

I was just reading an interesting article today about scriptwriters. The article talks about fear. If we get drunk and fail, we can blame it one the being drunk. If we are sober and fail, we have to look at our own limitations (talent, discipline, etc.).

I am an expert at self-sabotage and I think this may have something to do with it. However, that does not change that the fundamental step to solving the problem, which is putting down the drink.

Dee74

Hi Caravagio

I don't think it was the vodka that took you down - it was the beers before hand.

That was when you set this morning up.

You can't half dance with the devil...I know, I tried.

I needed to accept I was an alcoholic and that if I wanted to be the man I wanted to be and have the life I wanted to have, I had to stop drinking alcohol.

As long as I stay firm on that - all that other stuff - mid brain, high brain, no brain - simply doesn't matter

D

FeenixxRising

I can only speak for myself. The reasons I've behaved in a similar fashion is because I'm an alcoholic who can't control my drinking. Moreover, I'm an alcoholic who time and again tried to convince myself that I could control my drinking. The mental obsession to drink was overwhelming.

Once I admitted deep down inside that I was an alcoholic who couldn't control my drinking, the obsessions diminished quite a bit, and so far I've been able to not drink. But I must remind myself everyday that I'm simply unable to drink.

I'm not promoting AA, but you may want to read the AA basic text, chapters 2 & 3. If you see yourself in those descriptions you are probably an alcoholic. Even if you never step into an AA meeting, I believe those two chapters can help you (and others) decide if you are an alcoholic.

Now get to work on that script and leave the vodka bottle alone

Caravagio

Thank you Feenix

Caravagio

Jazzfish that is really interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for posting that x

sugarbear1

Typical alcoholism in action here.

I used to set myself up for failure time and time again....

We do this until we treat our alcoholism.

Hugs to you