Relapsed after 5 weeks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Cooper Landing, Alaska
Posts: 19
Relapsed after 5 weeks
So my five weeks of sobriety were ****.. I was angry, resentful and paranoid- slamming energy drinks to stay awake and function at work and damn near knocking a few co workers out. I try not to show it, I got a lot of love for people but there's a burning hatred inside my heart. Maybe it's because Im not like them, or they're not like me. When I drink I go ******* berserk and end up in suicidal situations. By suicidal I don't mean wrist slashing and attempts to OD but I take extreme sports to an idiotic level, bombing hills on a longboard at night exceeding 40mph with no helmet and free climbing basically anything to get my heart pounding. It takes the edge off of life and the fact that Im surrounded by assholes and people who dont give two ***** about anything but gossip and small talk. I ******* despise who I was when I was a drunk, and being sober made me look at who I am and what I have done. Ive done some pretty ****** up **** in life. So here I am, relapsing and falling back into the cycle of hatred/remorse. I don't know what the **** Im doing. Why Im posting such a negative message, well it's how I feel and Im sorry if I upset anyone. I feel like something is wrong with my soul, I can't even be happy when Im sober and now Im consciously destroying relationships with homies who had my back during the ****. because of my hatred for myself and everyone around me. I want to get on track but I don't know how
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I was very much like you for a number of years. And I didn't really know why either. Getting sober and staying sober helped. It took time, but it DID help.
Getting into 12 step, and getting scared enough, disgusted enough (with myself) and honest enough to do the steps...for myself...as if no one was looking and it wasn't about proving I could do it etc etc, just with honest humility, really helped. It helped me with a lot of that soul sickness (not in a religious way) but helped me see and understand myself in a way I never did before. Identified patterns that helped me come to terms with who I am and why I behave the way I do.
And that helped me start to turn things around. And it really wasn't a hard or painful process...when I got honest and did it for me and stopped trying to fight or impress anybody.
I remember how hopeless and disgusted I felt the times I relapsed. If you can go five weeks...the physical part, then doing the work after that to come to terms with yourself really has a chance to change your life.
Getting into 12 step, and getting scared enough, disgusted enough (with myself) and honest enough to do the steps...for myself...as if no one was looking and it wasn't about proving I could do it etc etc, just with honest humility, really helped. It helped me with a lot of that soul sickness (not in a religious way) but helped me see and understand myself in a way I never did before. Identified patterns that helped me come to terms with who I am and why I behave the way I do.
And that helped me start to turn things around. And it really wasn't a hard or painful process...when I got honest and did it for me and stopped trying to fight or impress anybody.
I remember how hopeless and disgusted I felt the times I relapsed. If you can go five weeks...the physical part, then doing the work after that to come to terms with yourself really has a chance to change your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Right on TH.
Turnz, here on the forum or at AA your among people who understand each other. Keep coming. Many have discovered that getting sober and staying/being sober are different animals. Being sober is working on the reasons we drank, our feelings mainly. We all have them but we don’t have to have them control us like when we drank. Recognizing them and controlling them can result in a person comfortable in their skin. I suggeas reading your post again.
Turnz, here on the forum or at AA your among people who understand each other. Keep coming. Many have discovered that getting sober and staying/being sober are different animals. Being sober is working on the reasons we drank, our feelings mainly. We all have them but we don’t have to have them control us like when we drank. Recognizing them and controlling them can result in a person comfortable in their skin. I suggeas reading your post again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 23
Hi Turnz505 I was like that when I frist got SOBA but it took some time to change my thinking between AA meetings an the 12 steps an a higher power which I call GOD, but I can say that my life today is great because of all this. It is worth everything I had to do believe me, I think if I didn't do these things I would be in JAIL or DEAD. Hang in there an do it 1 day at a time or 1 min at a time. I wish you the best ED.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Turnz505 
I feel like something is wrong with my soul
it's probably true if you are thinking that
most times we need to be sick and tired of ourselves
before
a true change can be made
(( sounds as if you are getting to that point in time))
consider it a good thing
just my belief here
I needed the help of God to overcome this
Mountainman
most times we need to be sick and tired of ourselves
before
a true change can be made
(( sounds as if you are getting to that point in time))
consider it a good thing
just my belief here
I needed the help of God to overcome this
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Turnz, I read your post and I can really feel for you. I also spent a lot, A LOT, of time questioning what was wrong with my soul. I think when people state that many drinkers drink to fill a "hole in their soul" or heart, they might be on to something.
But here's the thing: the drinking makes it bigger, deeper, uglier, and harder to ever fill. It's the nastiest gift that keeps on giving, that way. Plus it fuels that hatred like holding a lit match to an oil slick. Drinking only makes those horrible, angry, raging feelings a little stronger each time. And, of course, because we act on these rages when we're drunk, it adds a few more things to hate about ourselves and be remorseful for on top of it. Like I said, the gift that keeps on giving.
At 5 weeks, you obviously knew how to stop. But five weeks is still really early on, Turnz. I was a raging b*tch for the first three months for the most part. I was moody, depressed, angry, etc. I also had moments of elation but they were quickly followed by the negative moods. Here's the thing: that is your brain actually starting to heal itself. Alcohol completely jacks up your brain chemistry and then your emotional system because nothing is firing right or working like it's supposed to. So at five weeks your brain was starting to get back to doing its thing and sometimes, like broken bones that hurt like hell when they start healing, that is the hardest part. Also, when you start drinking again after a bit of time sober, it gets worse. Look up "kindling" when you have a chance.
Good thing is you haven't lost those five weeks, you just had a slip. So get back on the horse and put it down again. And this time give yourself a couple of months to heal before you start ripping the bandaid off the wound again to check its progress. Like others have said, you are probably going to need some more support other than going cold turkey to help with those angry/raging feelings. But alcohol, and starting and stopping, is definitely going to make those things WORSE, not better. Trust me, I know this story way too well
Hang in there and keep posting. Life really is better sober and those feelings, if not go away, will minimize greatly. Give yourself a chance.
Cheering for you over here
But here's the thing: the drinking makes it bigger, deeper, uglier, and harder to ever fill. It's the nastiest gift that keeps on giving, that way. Plus it fuels that hatred like holding a lit match to an oil slick. Drinking only makes those horrible, angry, raging feelings a little stronger each time. And, of course, because we act on these rages when we're drunk, it adds a few more things to hate about ourselves and be remorseful for on top of it. Like I said, the gift that keeps on giving.
At 5 weeks, you obviously knew how to stop. But five weeks is still really early on, Turnz. I was a raging b*tch for the first three months for the most part. I was moody, depressed, angry, etc. I also had moments of elation but they were quickly followed by the negative moods. Here's the thing: that is your brain actually starting to heal itself. Alcohol completely jacks up your brain chemistry and then your emotional system because nothing is firing right or working like it's supposed to. So at five weeks your brain was starting to get back to doing its thing and sometimes, like broken bones that hurt like hell when they start healing, that is the hardest part. Also, when you start drinking again after a bit of time sober, it gets worse. Look up "kindling" when you have a chance.
Good thing is you haven't lost those five weeks, you just had a slip. So get back on the horse and put it down again. And this time give yourself a couple of months to heal before you start ripping the bandaid off the wound again to check its progress. Like others have said, you are probably going to need some more support other than going cold turkey to help with those angry/raging feelings. But alcohol, and starting and stopping, is definitely going to make those things WORSE, not better. Trust me, I know this story way too well
Hang in there and keep posting. Life really is better sober and those feelings, if not go away, will minimize greatly. Give yourself a chance.
Cheering for you over here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hey Turnz - Relapse sucks, I know, but I'm glad you posted. Don't worry about 'being negative' - being honest about where I really am, being authentic, is important and life-saving. If I tell my truth, 'keep it real' as they say, that's a big step.
Maybe for some folks getting sober is more of a blip in their life and they just move on, ho hum. Not so for me, and not for a lot of other folks. Drinking/drugging was my SOLUTION to the mental/emotional anguish you describe. When my solution became a problem, and I quit alc/drugs, then I was back in The Pit, as I call it.
The trick is to find a REAL solution, now. I don't know your program of recovery, if you have or even want one, but I know that, for me, having had a similar experience, I needed something that addresses why I needed to drink/drug in the first place. I'm going the 12-step route, but also use other tools (EBT, EFT, counseling, even medication to put a 'floor' down so I don't free-fall into that black hole and CAN do the steps/work).
Don't give up - there is hope, man. The sober you that you're seeing as 'the real you' is only the real you with a thick overlay of suffering threaded throughout. The real you is in there - and you can uncover, parse the suffering from the authentic. For me, I absolutely can't do it alone. Get support - the more, the better.
Maybe for some folks getting sober is more of a blip in their life and they just move on, ho hum. Not so for me, and not for a lot of other folks. Drinking/drugging was my SOLUTION to the mental/emotional anguish you describe. When my solution became a problem, and I quit alc/drugs, then I was back in The Pit, as I call it.
The trick is to find a REAL solution, now. I don't know your program of recovery, if you have or even want one, but I know that, for me, having had a similar experience, I needed something that addresses why I needed to drink/drug in the first place. I'm going the 12-step route, but also use other tools (EBT, EFT, counseling, even medication to put a 'floor' down so I don't free-fall into that black hole and CAN do the steps/work).
Don't give up - there is hope, man. The sober you that you're seeing as 'the real you' is only the real you with a thick overlay of suffering threaded throughout. The real you is in there - and you can uncover, parse the suffering from the authentic. For me, I absolutely can't do it alone. Get support - the more, the better.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
There's abstaining from alcohol and then there's living sober. You sound like you were doing the former. Unhappy drinking, unhappy not drinking. Recovery: learning to live without alcohol and happy about it.
Find a way to recover.
Good luck.
Find a way to recover.
Good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
So my five weeks of sobriety were ****.. I was angry, resentful and paranoid- slamming energy drinks to stay awake and function at work and damn near knocking a few co workers out. I try not to show it, I got a lot of love for people but there's a burning hatred inside my heart. Maybe it's because Im not like them, or they're not like me. When I drink I go ******* berserk and end up in suicidal situations. By suicidal I don't mean wrist slashing and attempts to OD but I take extreme sports to an idiotic level, bombing hills on a longboard at night exceeding 40mph with no helmet and free climbing basically anything to get my heart pounding. It takes the edge off of life and the fact that Im surrounded by assholes and people who dont give two ***** about anything but gossip and small talk. I ******* despise who I was when I was a drunk, and being sober made me look at who I am and what I have done. Ive done some pretty ****** up **** in life. So here I am, relapsing and falling back into the cycle of hatred/remorse. I don't know what the **** Im doing. Why Im posting such a negative message, well it's how I feel and Im sorry if I upset anyone. I feel like something is wrong with my soul, I can't even be happy when Im sober and now Im consciously destroying relationships with homies who had my back during the ****. because of my hatred for myself and everyone around me. I want to get on track but I don't know how
I found out later - it's not meant to be like that.
Think about it - our drinking lives are geared to drinking right?
if all we do is take the drinking out, all we're left with is a life that you didn't fit in with and a life that reminds you constantly of the things you can't do anymore.
that's not recovery...it's torture, man.
In order to be successfully sober I needed to make changes to my life, and I needed support.
If you want to be sober, and you're not afraid of a little work and you add those elements, I think the next time will be...maybe not easy, but a lot easier on you Turnz
D
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,462
Thanks for posting, Turnz. Every time I sober up I wonder what is wrong with me too. No wonder I drink, I'm scared to death people are going to find out the crazy thoughts I have running around my head. At least when I drink I don't care. It's why I have trouble opening up to people. Try to find someone you trust that you can talk to and sort it out. Otherwise you're going to keep looking for relief in a bottle, I know true for me. I heard someone say the other day we're only as sick as our secrets.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Turnz -- My first thought is, can you move? I know this might be bad advice, because seeking novelty is kind of my problem. But when you describe your situation, it sounds like you can't find a social support network. Vancouver is nearby and I know from friends that it has a pretty decent skateboarding scene. Being sober might feel less isolating if you had a better social scene available. Is getting into a bigger city an option for you?
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