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Old 07-07-2013, 09:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Sparta, NJ
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New Here, New in my own Recovery and New to having a wife in Rehab.

Hello everyone,
I'm 58 and married for 35 years. My last day of drinking was 10.25.11. I had a 40 year history of daily drinking and drug abuse and couldn't stop or control it until I found the fellowship of AA.
We have a son who is married and normal and with two wonderful children, and a daughter who is a 7 years recovering heroin addict. She is in a committed relationship and has an equally wonderful daughter.
My wife is a high functioning who just retired from a long career. She is also a daily drinker, always in the evenings, and always excessively.
Our entire marriage has been centered around alcohol. On our first date my soon to be wife passed out after several hours of pot smoking and drinking.
We both are alcoholics and both enablers, and have been totally absorbed doing this elaborate, destructive, familiar dance.
After another public drunken episode my son and daughter and myself staged an intervention for her and she agreed to rehab. She spent a week in detox and has been in rehab for six days.
I attend AA meetings daily and have been to a few Al Anon meetings since she has gone away.
I am a wreck. She is angry and resentful and in denial. Unraveling this relationship built on Alcohol and codependency is scary and threatening.
My recovery is so new that I fill ill equipped to deal with hers. My daughter, whose program is quite strong, says her sponsor says to treat her like a newbie in the program. So I say things like you don't have to feel like this anymore, or, you're in the right place. But I just get angry silences on the phone or downright hostility. She is very, very angry and resentful.
She can call Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday so I am expecting a call sometime today. And I'm worried sick about it. I've got a bad case of the what if's....
What if she's still angry and resentful? What if she thinks our marriage is beyond repair? What if she wants to leave rehab? What if she's still in denial?
What if she's still cold and uncommunicative? WHAT DO I RESPOND?!
Should I be in contact with the therapists in her rehab? HOW DOES THIS WORK?
Sorry for going on like this in the Newcomer's Forum. Is there a more appropriate forum for a post like this?
Just spinning slowly in the wind here...
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi skeenut!

I only have experience on the drinking side of the family so I can't help you there, but I wanted to welcome you and let you know about the "Friends & Family forum here. That forum is used by people going through the same things you are going through. I believe there is also a forum called "double winners" for those who are in recovery for addiction and have family/friends who are addicted.
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Here is the link to the friends & family forum. I can't find the double winner link but I'm sure someone will come along and provide it for you.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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first: breathe!
then again.

skeenut,
let your wife do what she needs to do, whether it's being angry or not communicating or whatever it may be today.
then do something for yourself that's helpful to YOU. whether that's going for a walk, for an icecream or a meeting or back here.

try not to play the "what if's", as they're useless, really.
figure out what you really need to take care of today, and do that.


you said "new" three times in your title, so....it's all new. give yourself some space, take it, you can't "fix" all this today, so you don't need to try for that.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I've moved over to the Double Winner's thread. Thanks for the pointer.
I'm a Quintuple Winner, BTW.
And we got the call, my wife wants to stay in rehab!
I'm going to cut the lawn, walk the dog and get some ice cream.
Then a men's Al Anon meeting @ 7:30 tonight.
Things feel pretty good right now.
Jeff
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Skeenut/Jeff - I'm so glad you reached out! I had the same situation as you - unfortunately I lost my husband to alcohol - and then I had a long journey ahead of me alone (and still drinking) until I came here. It's a great place - hope you'll feel less anxious being here.

So glad she wants to stay in rehab! What a relief. Please keep us informed.
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Grungehead,
Is that a mini poodle? It looks like a twin of my dog, Ace.
Jeff
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Old 07-07-2013, 12:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Actually it's a standard, that's all that would fit in the picture.

Abby just passed away 3 weeks ago at age 16. She weighed 60lbs in her prime but weighed 40lbs in that picture which was taken shortly before she passed. Great dog, when the time comes I will probably get another standard poodle.
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I've always loved our friend's standards. We rescued Ace four years ago, he's five now. Best dog we've ever had. Right on the edge of being standard; he's 18.5 pounds. A lot smaller than Abby was but bigger than most minis...
Sorry about your loss. I'll be crushed to lose Ace when the time comes.
Jeff
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