LucifersAngel

My mother is an alcoholic and my fiancee is a recovering heroin addict.
He detoxed in my arms shortly after we got together and has been arrested twice on drug charges. (once right after we got together and once recently) He chose to go to residential rehab to straighten up his life once and for all. My mother (who was sober for most of my childhood and has been drinking heavily again for 3-4 years) had a brief sober spell of about 2 weeks. That happened about 2 months ago and she started drinking just as heavily shortly after she was sober. When she got sober she kicked my fiancee out of our house, she was the one who pressured him to move in in the first place, and started to make up rules specifically so I couldn't see him. I'm not imagining this, she told me that she doesn't think I should be around him (she has never given me any reason other than she doesn't like his mom). She also told my dad and my little sister she is "strongly concerned" I am doing heroin.I have NEVER even seen heroin and my fiancee has never done it around me
Now she is telling me I can't go visit him in rehab because she doesn't trust his mom.
I am at a loss at what to do, I want to be able to support my fiancee and have him support me. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and my mother is trying to destroy it. What should I do to keep myself safe and to stay in my fiancees life?
I am 17 and he is 23, I only add that because I can't move out or even spend any time with him without my mom threatening to get us both arrested and sent to jail.
Please help?
LucifersAngel

WhiteFeathers

Hi Lucifer's angel. I wanted to make sure I responded. You are 17. If you were my daughter, I would tell you that you are too young to have a fiancee and especially one who is on and off heroin. Don't get me wrong, I do remember the intensity of young love, but it can be very destructive as well. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to focus on yourself and your education.
I know it's hard for you to listen to your mom because you are having to deal with her addictions, too. I feel for you, that has got to be hard.
There is a friends and family section here on this forum and I've heard Al-Anon is very helpful to loved-ones of addicts.
Best to you.

Carlotta

to SR LA.
You posted on another thread that you are worried about your own sobriety. Are you in recovery?
Whitefeathers is right you could probably benefit from Al Anon or Al Ateen.
What do you want for yourself? Let's say that tomorrow your mom and your boyfriend magically disappeared, what would you do with your life?
Who are you aside from being the daughter of an alcoholic and the girlfriend of a drug addict with legal problems and what do you want to be?
Are you planning to go to college or is there a trade you are interested in learning?
I am not asking those questions to be another mean old biddie just to help you think. Many women make the mistake of tying their identity to being someone's daughter and someone's partner then wake up one day, much older and asking themselves why they are miserable and what did they do with their life.

wpainterw

Lucifer's Angel wrote: "This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and my mother is trying to destroy it. What should I do to keep myself safe and to stay in my fiancees life?"

The healthiest relationship? A drug addict fiancee? An alcoholic mother? I wonder whether there are better things for you out there, better ways of "keeping yourself safe". Another post suggested Alanon or Alateen. I think that would be a fine thing for you to explore. Get in a group with other folks with problems similar to yours. Get their views, their advice. And stay with this SR website. There's lots of help right here! Every good wish to you.

W.

LucifersAngel

I've had problems with drugs, self-injury, eating disorders ect. I'm "addicted to having an addiction"
If they disappeared I would finish high school and go to school to be a therapist for adolescents, hopefully in a residential setting.
I would do anything to be in therapy or residential treatment or anything but that's not really an option. We can't afford it and my mom doesn't trust me enough to go anywhere.

WhiteFeathers

My heart goes out to you. Is finishing high school not an option? Have you looked into colleges? I think your plan to become a therapist sounds amazing. Don't let anyone take that dream from you, if it's what you want to do.

Just a thought, another fun thing to get "addicted" to is recovery.

LucifersAngel

I don't want to live with my mom, I was supposed to graduate early (December not June like most people) So I would be turning 18 and graduating within a month. However, her not paying our mortgage made us have to move and I don't know if I can graduate early. I'm scared I'm going to end up dropping out due to not being able to live with her anymore :/

Carlotta

I know many people (myself included) who have put themselves through college while working.
There are also grants out there for people who cannot afford higher education. It might be worth looking into scholarships and such. If you are interested in working as a therapist later on, it might also be good for you to address your codependency issues right now.
Since your mom won t let you go anywhere (I can sympathize with her) you should check out some online Al Anon meetings Online Al-Anon Outreach
also read the friends and family forum. Try not to get hang up on the fact that a lot of us are much older than you and try to identify.
Once you reach 18, you will be free to go wherever you want. Hopefully you will chose wisely and go in a positive direction.

ps: edited to give you a gentle hug. Facing homelessness must be very scary for you but there are resources out there for young people who are willing to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. You coming here and being receptive to what we have to say and respectful is a great step in the right direction

Nighthawk8820

It sounds like you need to really remove yourself from these situations and people. I know they are family and what not, but there is a great big world out there full of people that wont bring on this much drama for you. Believe it or not, a lot of people thrive on constant drama and problems, and look for it over and over and over. Also, and I dont mean to be preachy, but 17? Way too young to be dating someone who is 23. He is a grown man and you my dear are a teenager. I know you dont want to hear that and most likely wont listen to that last bit, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't say something. I know when I was 23, I wasnt hanging out with 17 year olds, so maybe you should take a closer look at him and if he really is someone you should be hanging around with.

If I were you, I would focus like hell on my schooling and getting into college. Then I would peace out after graduation and never go back. Thats just me though, I dont like drama or people who flock to negativity. You are so young and you have the real chance at breaking this cycle your family is in. I know it may be all you have ever known right now, but you can remove yourself from all of this with a little willpower, courage, and work. It can be hard, but sometimes family can be the biggest obstacle towards ever reaching happiness and sometimes, they need to go.

Maybe look to date someone in college who doesnt have substance abuse issues, so you can remove yourself from that lifestyle. Remember this, you cant save people in addiction, you simply dont have the power. They have to want it and no force on this earth can make them change or get better if they dont want it for themselves. God bless!

SeekSobriety

There are some low to no cost treatment centers you can find here.
http://www.choosehelp.com/illinois/f...alcohol-rehabs
Make some calls, they may be more then willing to help a teen out.

Also I hate to have to say this but if you love your Fiancé, The best thing you could do right now is stay away from him right now until you at least turn 18. Your Mom could easily press charges on him for statutory rape.

I hope things get better for you. I hope that you can find the help and support you need.

LucifersAngel

SS. The age of consent in Illinois is 17 so we're in the clear for that

BridgetteBlue

I am horrible at taking advice but pretty darn god at giving it. You have taken on a lot for someone your age. This tells me that you are an old soul in the body of a young woman.

Take a few moments to yourself and try and remember that if you are not in a good place than you can't really be of help to others. Think about whether or not you are using this situation of taking care of everyone else to keep yourself from self harming.

You know I could care less about the age difference between you and your fiancée you are because most importantly it is not my business and secondly it is your life to live.

Just close your eyes for a few minutes and try to imagine where you want to be in 10 years. Do you have a passion for something? A career you want to be in? a new city to explore?

The only person that is going to really take care of you at the end of the day is you. Do not let the issues of others impede with your desires in life. You can prove them wrong, you can beat the odds, but you can't do any of these things if you are enabling others.

Big hugs for you, I think you need them and I think you know down deep inside the reason you are doing what you are doing now is not for you but more for your felling of obligation to others. You don't want anyone to fall on your watch and I get that.

If it were not for my kids I would be anywhere but where I am. I know I can make it, but right now I am trying to give them the stability I never had even if I have to be unhappy in the meantime, I mad the mistake of saying this in front of my kids though and they took at it as they were a burden to me versus the gift that I know that they are.

Take care of yourself first no matter what.

LucifersAngel

Thank you! I figure if I've got only one reason to still keep trying, I shouldn't just give it up because I need to do it myself.. I've gotten alot better at doing good things for me. It's still hard though

Mizzuno

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much at 17. This is a time where stability, and health are crucial for your life. I was much younger than you when I had to deal with my mother and her drug abuse issues. I had many issues myself at your age. Finishing your education is the most important step right now. This boyfriend, no matter how sweet and loving he may be has serious problems that are not yours to deal with. I understand that you love him. Think about what your future will be like dealing with a heroin addict, and all that it entails. Love or not, his heroin abuse can and will drag you down. There is a lot on your plate right now, and I feel for you. I empathize with your situation. Your future is promising if you take the appropriate steps now. Get healthy, finish school, and make your life beautiful. You can do this.

This is coming from someone who left school to take care of herself. I am now 33, and finallypursuing a higher education. You can do this. I believe in you.

NoelleR

I'm a little confused by this. Since the age of consent in IL is 17, for what would you both be arrested and sent to jail?

You've gotten a lot of good advice from others here. You'll soon reach the age of majority (4-5 short months), and you can start making your own decisions regarding your life.

I just have to say though that I find it terribly sad that you say, "...This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in..." .....and it's with a junkie.........???

Just hang in there a little while longer................

(o:
NoelleR

LucifersAngel

Hes not a junkie. He had a problem that he chose to deal with. And yeah, he actually treats me well and cares about me.. He doesn't just use me like all of my exes.
Usually she threatens him with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and me with runaway or grand theft auto (the time it was gta she told me I could use her car to see him then just changed her mind)

neferkamichael

LucufersAngel, I wish I could do it all over again, of course with the knowledge I have now. Instead of concentrating on friends, and relationships, I would concentrate on me, put me above all others. The urge to "bond" is most powerful in a person your age and I consider myself lucky to have made to adulthood. I did a lot of foolish things because I wanted to be in a relationship and I deprived myself of an education and practically everything else. I would set my goal to finish high school and then set a goal to go to college and put them above everything else in life. Gotta learn how to take care of yourself before you can take care of somebody else. As far as your fiancees problems with alcohol and drugs, there is very little you can do and you are taking the chance of getting into trouble with him so be careful. Rootin for ya.