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Old 06-10-2013, 09:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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What to do about my mother

I am 55 days sober. I am in IOP and go to AA meetings a couple of times a week. I had to move back to my parents house because I was getting out of a toxic relationship and need to completely start my life over at 30.
On my mother's side of the family, almost everyone is an alcoholic (mom, grandma, uncle, cousins, and brother). My mom promised that she would throw out all the booze once I came to live with her and my dad. She did that but still seems to be slurring her words in the evening. I know she takes sleeping pills but she is still having symptoms of being hungover in the morning. I have not confronted her about this but my dad says that he can smell booze on her.
My dad thinks that he needs counseling to deal with my mom. I will be trying out alanon once I am done teaching at the end of the week. My sister wants to do an intervention on my mom. I avoid my mom after dinner; it's a big house so that's easy to do. My dad is concerned that if he got a divorce that my mom would drink herself to death. She has cut back since I moved in but is now hiding the alcohol.
I know this situation is not new to those of us on this site but I don't know what to do.
4-15-13; this time better work
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Old 06-10-2013, 10:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Patty, congratulations on 55 days sober.

To be honest, I think you should step away from your mother and her alcohol problem and just focus on you. I understand that you are living with her, but as you said, you're starting over, so it's going to take a lot of work on your part to move on. Focus on that.

Hopefully your mother will decide to seek support for her problems with alcohol.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 06-10-2013, 10:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Alas I don't have any experience to share, but I can share my support and thoughts. Sounds like a tricky situation for you...watching your mother hiding alcohol use is tough, but considering you're in recovery yourself it makes it even more complicated.

I would guess the best answer would be to relocate yourself from that situation. Easier said than done, I'm sure - I recently spent a week staying with my mother and it was more out of necessity than choice, so I can understand how you might feel "stuck". But it would probably be best to avoid any kind of interventions right now, much less one with your own mother. If there's somewhere else you can stay and work on yourself right now, that might be best. Good luck!
“Making plans for the future is of use only to people who are capable of living completely in the present.” – Alan Watts.
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Old 06-10-2013, 10:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am staying with my parents to pay off all the debt I got myself into with my ex and that relationship. My dad is going to help me pay of the debt sooner rather than later so that I can move out quicker. I have been staying half of the week at my sister's house and then some nights at my parents house. Relocating is easier said then done but I have other family members that I can stay with at night.
Seeing my mom not stay sober is not making me crave alcohol at all, surprisingly. It's making me realize that I made the right choice in getting sober and it's helping me to cling to sobriety. I was heading down the same path as my mother when I was drinking and now am so grateful that I chose a different way of life.
4-15-13; this time better work
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Old 06-10-2013, 10:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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My mother was also an bad alcoholic... thank goodness I didn't have to live with her. But, I couldn't imagine being in a house with someone drinking that early in soberity. If you are able to I would suggest being somewhere else. If that isn't possible then in another part of the house is also a good answer. Remember right now is about YOU and whatever you have to do to get through the day... the do it.

If you are like most of us drunks you have spent alot of time running/drinking ourselves away from ourselves. So, spending sometime in your own skin is most likely not an easy thing to do. But, right now it is exactly what you have to do.

Best of luck!
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I've heard that at the heart of every alcoholic is a co-dependent. I'm sure you think there is something you should or could do for your mom but there isn't. This is her fight..as painful as it is to watch. You can only focus on you and your sobriety..and actually you're sobriety is not only the only thing you can do..it's the BEST thing you can do.

I was actually around someone last night who was drinking..and I was not. It was not seductive whatsoever ..as her life is currently...unmanageable. No temptation there.
But the thing is...as much as you want to do something...sobriety is a deeply personal choice...one you made for yourself.
"It doesn't get better, you do".
- Joan Rivers talking to Louie, in "Louie"
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think Al-anon will help with realizing that there is nothing that I can do for my mom. I can take care of myself and my sobriety but her problem is her own fight not mine. I feel so great in my sobriety; it's been a long road in these last two months and I know that there will be hard times to come but I want spead this feeling of greatness to those who are suffering, especially my mom. I just need acceptance on the fact that I can't do anything about her disease.
4-15-13; this time better work
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Patty - I'm in recovery for addiction and codependency. Live at home thanks to major damage while using, my stepmom is addicted to pills (which I once abused).

This F&F people have helped me out, tremendously, in realizing that I really can't do anything about her disease. She has no intention of changing, dad is a major codie and I do my best to stay out of the drama.

Al-anon has helped, coming here has helped, staying busy and not being home very often has helped.

Congratulations on 55 days!!

Hugs and prayers,

"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

"You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. - Shania Twain

(Tinker, Elvis [RIP], Patches [RIP] and Mots - Mouth Of The South)
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you very much Impurrfect!!
4-15-13; this time better work
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