Planned relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 23
Planned relapse
Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted. I'm on my 83rd day sober today. I was so sick of drinking after my last binge that it has been relativley easy to stay on track with sobriety until now. At the begining of the week I found myself day dreaming about drinking and actually planning a relapse for this weekend. It was scary for me because in the past when I have gotten it in my mind to have a drink I wasn't able to stop myself. I was having an internal struggle going back and forth between being giddy about having a drink and then hating myself for it. After a couple of days of praying and stuggling with it mentally I have managed to come back to the right state of mind. I will NOT have a drink this weekend. I am sort of proud of myself for making the right decision this time. What scares me is that next time that sneaky beast starts trying get what it wants I'm not sure I will be able to shut it down. I was so close to giving in this time its ridiculous.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Wow I've been there a bunch of times. I'm glad you are recognizing your thought process.
For me, every relapse was planned whether I realized it or not. Recognizing it is the first step in preventing it.
For me, every relapse was planned whether I realized it or not. Recognizing it is the first step in preventing it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Where's our AV translators when we need them?
I'm glad you won this battle and hope you can start recognizing the AV chatter from your Beast as soon as it starts so you can knock it on it's butt immediately and not engage it.
The tug of wars are exhausting and it's been my experience it doesn't have to be that way.
I'm glad you won this battle and hope you can start recognizing the AV chatter from your Beast as soon as it starts so you can knock it on it's butt immediately and not engage it.
The tug of wars are exhausting and it's been my experience it doesn't have to be that way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 280
You made the right decision this time. I'm sure you'll make the right one next time too. There is no need to fear the future, just be prepared for it.
83 days.... Wow, that is quite an accomplishment... I'm a couple weeks in, and i'm starting to think something amazing like 83 days is possible... perhaps we'll see . . . Way to go!!!
83 days.... Wow, that is quite an accomplishment... I'm a couple weeks in, and i'm starting to think something amazing like 83 days is possible... perhaps we'll see . . . Way to go!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Lilly, I had a real freaky thing happen to me this past weekend. Here is my posts from Secular Connections.
I had to make one correction which was "I was able" (I originally posted unable)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3922290
I had to make one correction which was "I was able" (I originally posted unable)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3922290
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Good for you for recognizing the signs and not drinking.
I was out to dinner tonight, and some guys at a table near me ordered tall glasses of cold beer, and for a second it reminded me that I used to like that. After a long work week it's finally Friday and I can kick back with a nice dinner and have a cold beer. Then a second later I decided that it looked awful because I know that it wouldn't be just one cold beer and pretty soon vodka would enter the picture.
And besides, I can't drink tonight, I have plans for Tuesday.
I was out to dinner tonight, and some guys at a table near me ordered tall glasses of cold beer, and for a second it reminded me that I used to like that. After a long work week it's finally Friday and I can kick back with a nice dinner and have a cold beer. Then a second later I decided that it looked awful because I know that it wouldn't be just one cold beer and pretty soon vodka would enter the picture.
And besides, I can't drink tonight, I have plans for Tuesday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 23
It really is crazy how sneaky it can be. Most of the time I'm fine then WHAM its like this epic struggle of good and evil going on in my head. I wish I felt more secure in my sobriety. I found myself today unable to make a volunteer commitment for this May because I know if Im drinking come May I wont be able to do it. I think I need to up my game a little and reinforce my plan.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I think Robert F Downey Jr said that he was going to have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving, but remembered he had already made plans for Christmas.
Lilly, I copied this from a different thread, but your post makes me think this idea might appeal to you too.
Lilly, I copied this from a different thread, but your post makes me think this idea might appeal to you too.
We can choose to understand addiction as an internal conflict - I want to quit but I keep drinking somehow. Without this internal struggle, we are just drinkers. What drinking problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem!
OK, so if there is this internal argument going on, then it can be understood as a discussion between two parts of our head, the thinker and the drinker, or our rational brain and our alcoholic voice. The AV is manifest when we have any thought about drinking, now or in the future, or when we doubt our ability to quit drinking, because that can lead us back to the bottle and the buzz.
So, I want to quit, and any thought about drinking doesn't come from me what I want, it comes from some 'other' part of me whose only desire is to get and stay drunk. What if I call it names, like the Beast?
For the rest of the story, pop over to the Rational Recovery website, or look around the Secular Connections forum for some more posts that mention AV or AVRT, or Big Plans. And keep asking questions and posting!
OK, so if there is this internal argument going on, then it can be understood as a discussion between two parts of our head, the thinker and the drinker, or our rational brain and our alcoholic voice. The AV is manifest when we have any thought about drinking, now or in the future, or when we doubt our ability to quit drinking, because that can lead us back to the bottle and the buzz.
So, I want to quit, and any thought about drinking doesn't come from me what I want, it comes from some 'other' part of me whose only desire is to get and stay drunk. What if I call it names, like the Beast?
For the rest of the story, pop over to the Rational Recovery website, or look around the Secular Connections forum for some more posts that mention AV or AVRT, or Big Plans. And keep asking questions and posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: southern Oregon
Posts: 365
Wow, 83 days?! That's awesome, good job!
I think I really need to go read that AVRT info, too. It seems like it might be just what we need to fight that beast.
I'm afraid to even entertain the idea or "daydream" about drinking again, cause when I do I'm pretty strong at convincing myself to go for it. I understand the feeling of the epic battle.
Lily, you've been doing so great, just keep it up, and keep posting here.....you've inspired me for this weekend! (83 days!)
Peace,
~Heartfan
I think I really need to go read that AVRT info, too. It seems like it might be just what we need to fight that beast.
I'm afraid to even entertain the idea or "daydream" about drinking again, cause when I do I'm pretty strong at convincing myself to go for it. I understand the feeling of the epic battle.
Lily, you've been doing so great, just keep it up, and keep posting here.....you've inspired me for this weekend! (83 days!)
Peace,
~Heartfan
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
If you work backwards, it helps for me anyway. Instead of thinking how great a line would be, or when I do, I think of the crash and burn, the horrors I deal with, and think backwards, by the time I get to the part of how good it will feel, that feeling is gone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 23
Thanks for all your comments. It has really made me feel better to vent my thoughts and feelings and to get good advice and encouragment in return. I wish i would have posted here earlier in the week maybe it wouldn't have turned into such a struggle. Here's to another sober weekend!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Over time i have come to reflect on what someone posted once about 'being centred" in ones recovery. I have found this useful and i have noticed there is variability in how i feel about sobriety. Sometimes at the lower levels of my experience i am bored with it, sometimes angry and sometimes content etc etc. This variability occurs without a desire to drink, but i think persistent drift away from being centred occurs long before the desire to drink sets in.
I am not sure where that centredness comes from, but i miss it when it is not there, and it spurs an increase in self reflection and taking stock of things.
I have come to use the moon as a reminder of just how far i have come. Sometimes i forget about it, then like last night i unexpextedly see it when i got something from my car. The moon waxes and wanes, sometimes it seems to disappear, it changes but is the same, a variable constant in my life. I am comforted by the knowledge it will still be there when i am gone.
I am not sure where that centredness comes from, but i miss it when it is not there, and it spurs an increase in self reflection and taking stock of things.
I have come to use the moon as a reminder of just how far i have come. Sometimes i forget about it, then like last night i unexpextedly see it when i got something from my car. The moon waxes and wanes, sometimes it seems to disappear, it changes but is the same, a variable constant in my life. I am comforted by the knowledge it will still be there when i am gone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 79
If you don't struggle with it, you can't overcome it either. So I'm glad you struggled and I'm glad you beat it down. Every time that muscle gets exercised you become stronger. Anyways, that's what I am learning. :-)
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