Rrose

I've been lurking for a while, now I've finally registered and I thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm Rrose. I'm 31. I've been drinking since I was in high school. In NZ we have a real binge drinking culture, and, looking back, I can see how much my approach to drinking today is a product of that culture. The majority of my old friends are heavy drinkers, still in their thirties. When we get together - thankfully not too often (we are scattered around the world) - the point, the focus, is always to get drunk. Some of them even affectionately call themselves alcoholics, and joke about it, while drinking. That's not me.

In my case, my grandmother was an alcoholic - a very well-heeled one - and my father often over indulged. It's too close to the bone for me to joke about being an alkie. I've been aware I've had a problem with booze for some years now. When I drink, I often can't stop, and I do things I regret - common theme for all us posting here.

I sought help a few years back and had three months sober, attending a counsellor. I quit when she suggested I invite spirituality into my life. That just isn't for me - I'm a trained philosopher! - and actually I felt a terrible lack of empathy when she pushed it, since I had told her about my views on life and what I didn't want. Bad luck I guess. I returned to drinking when booze fuelled philosophy get-togethers just didn't feel the same sober...

So where am I now and why am I here? For me, getting drunk has become a huge social hazard. I still like to drink, but I have become painfully aware that I cannot drink in social situations. I manage at home because (1) I usually don't drink; and (2) if i do, no one gets offended (I drink alone). If I go to a party, a few drinks turns into a dozen, I lose where I am, and why, and later I hear I have insulted x, offended y. Argh. This weekend I have turned down an invitation by a colleague to attend her birthday party, where everyone will be drinking, because I am CERTAIN that if I go, i will disgrace myself. At least I know that - that's something!

I am still at the phase where being forever sober feels like a wide yawning chasm of boredom. My rational mind knows it doesn't have to be that, but that's how it feels. Being honest. However, condemned to drinking alone for safety is stupid - I know that! Drinking alone is stupidness full stop. It's a game where you pretend you have friends - the voices in your head! (No, I'm not mad, but booze does that for me; it peoples my mind with admiring interlocutors.) So why don't I stop completely? I guess this first post is a first pass to figuring that out.

Goodnight!

Panache

Welcome Rrose,

I'm in a pretty similar position to yourself with the drinking alone at home as drinking in social situations I do the most ridiculous things and embarrass myself beyond belief.

Posting your first post is a massive step in the right direction. Welcome to SR, everyone here is wonderful and there's always someone who has either been there or is going through it.

Hope to see you about the forum and the best of luck to you.

Rrose

P.s. I should add that these days I don't drink as much at home - by sheer determination. Always determination. Until a few months ago, I was the bottle-hiding, sneaking type. I've managed to cut down significantly - replacing drinks with V8 and Tabasco. The endorphins from the chilli really seem to help me... I've noticed huge improvements at work (my productivity) and in my appearance. So I'm at the "should I / can I go the whole way?" phase. Or maybe "must I?" Last week, I went to a family soirée kinda thing and had a glass of wine. Drove home with my daughter, got her to bed. Ended up having a whole bottle by myself, doing nothing. Just that one "family" drink set me off... on a night I'd usually just V8 it.

A bit more of where I am at...

mecanix

welcome to SR ,

By the time i quit alcohol i was happy to accept any amount of boredom rather than keep being back in the pit that i drank myself into nearly everytime i drank .

I believe some other people use defferment stratergies , i use this with craving foods , i can have my fish and chips if i still want them next friday as a for instance .

Why not try 90 days or 6 months of sobriety as then you've only got a limited amount of boredom to deal with and to see where you are with it ?

Those 90 days / 6 months would also help you asses how fully alcohol is interfeering with your life or not and if you have issues relating to it .

Whatever you decide , good luck and bestwishes, M

Rrose

Ha - "a limited amount of boredom"! I like that.

Thanks for your suggestion; it's a good one. And actually, I know sobriety is NOT that boring, it's just a feeling. I don't like to think of myself as easily bored, so the idea of being bored without booze is embarrassing actually.

Thanks for bringing me to that thought!

least

I agree with mechanix. Try going sober for a time, say three to six months, and then see how you feel about your life sober.

My sober life isn't too exciting, rather boring sometimes, but I'll gladly take the boredom over the chaos my life was when I drank.

Anna

I think you know that stopping drinking is the answer for you, but understandably it's hard to accept the finality of that decision. I completely understand trying to moderate your drinking and how hard that is. I would think about alcohol all the time when I was trying to moderate and it was actually a relief to finally just stop. I could re-claim my mind and it felt very good.

I hope you continue to read and post.

RightLAine

Welcome! For me I have realized that I can't have just one. I've tried it many times and it never ends well for me. One turns into 2 and then 1 more and next thing I know I'm waking up with a terrible headache and not remembering how I got into my bed. I am 28 years old. I have 2 young kids, a house, a career looking at me you would not know I have a drinking problem....but the thing is I KNOW I know if I keep doing what I am doing things will end badly. I'm glad you came to this site. I think you will find alot of support here. I am on day 1 . We can do this together

Dee74

Hi and welcome Rrose

It took me many years to get to the point where I could quit - I too became an at home drinker....

I was so scared of changing my life, so scared of being different...but the fear turned out to be far greater than the reality - I have a great life sober, and even more importantly than that - I like myself.

I rediscovered a me I totally forgotten about - a me with motivation and excitement, imagination and drive - all the things that alcohol had sapped from me - and I wasn't even aware of it.

I think you deserve the chance to find rediscover that Rrose too

you'll find a lot of support here

D

Richierich777

You seem like a very bright person and know what the problem is and I also have the same problem. One drink forget it, I'll have them all. Well thanks for posting and maybe we can have some good post from you on philosophy. Welcome.

misspond

Hi Rrose - it's good you've made your way here. For me this forum has been a relief, a new sanctuary and a place to come and read and share and understand that alcohol, and other drugs, do us no good.

It's Friday night here for me and two weeks ago I was probably draining the dregs of my nightly bottle of wine. Not tonight though, tonight I have good company

Panache

Loved that quote Misspond. I'm very lucky to have stumbled upon this site and met such wonderful people, the best company

Will69

Rrose you sound very like me, at least in relation to your drinking habits and where they can lead you and how they can make you feel. I am also where you have been in the past, in that I have not drunk for 3 months and am dealing with a counsellor. I drank at home as well, though hadn't reached the stage where I was hiding bottles, but the reality was that that was perfectly possible in the future. I have also managed to act badly in the security of my home, without social pressures.
I am not a trained philosopher, but like to think and tend to 'over-think' at times. One of my rationalisations when justifying to myself why I had drunk to excess or simply drunk, was that drink 'switched me off'. Of course when I had done something bad in drink, then I had lots of material of a grim nature to 'over-think' about. The cycle was complete!
You don't mention your beliefs on spirituality, though you say that others have raised the issue. I am deeply skeptical about organised religion, having experienced the joys of a catholic upbringing. However, there is an increased awareness of the benefits of mindfulness, which has links with Buddhist ways of living, and which I imagine many on here will know about. Inportance is there placed on how you are when you go through life and how you choose to set your mind.
I told my counsellor recently, that life is boring without drink, but feelings and emotions are creeping back in whilst My belly isn't full of booze and my head isn't full of worries and over analysis.
Just thought I would share with you. Good luck and stick at it!

instant

I could not get past the feeling of specialness that Friday had to have, and what I called "dread" when I thought of not drinking in the future.

In the end after a few months sober I came to believe that my whole emotional system had become highjacked by addiction. My emotions only served my ongoing use.

I discovered that the freedom of sobriety is a priceless gift for which I am thankful.