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Old 01-24-2013, 04:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
Jules
 

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Friend wants me to go out for drinks this weekend!!

Hi SR,

I'm in mixed up place in my head. My good friend wants me to go out with her and the girls this weekend for some drinks. I know realistically I can't go and have a few drinks and not take it too far and get drunk. I also know if I go I don't want to not drink.

The real issue is this is a person I consider to be my best friend but I have never been able to open up and tell her I'm an alcoholic. There are only two people I have been able to say that to, my sister and my boyfriend, I drink at home and most people don't realize its a probblem.

My friend and I used to drink alot in our twenties together, she knows I drink too much. She also knows my siblings are alcoholics. She probably has put two and two together but I have never been able to tell her and I should have long ago.

She's always bashing me because I don't go out with them but I know its all about the drinks and can't trust myself, so I don't go. She is probably waiting for my excuse but I need to just tell her. I know she loves me either way.

I wish I had some more guts but it is so hard to admit I'm an alhoholic. Its just hard to say it out loud. I know my answer. Can someone give me some courage. I just want to cry thinking about it!!
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi you dont have to go out with them and you dont have to beat yourself up either. It takes some courage to do what your doing and I think your right about picking up if you go out I would have in early days and today I am not interested in being in that environment its boring.

As to telling others your an alcoholic, no rush to do that, wait until your comfortable.

Do you have any support or a plan?

Celebrate being sober today as thats what its all about
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm not sure what to say. I'm early along in recovery myself however, like you, most of the drinking i did was at home. Going out was usually not a big deal. I fully belive that comming out is a very personal decision that only you can decide whom to tell. If I were as uncomfortable as this situation seems to have ya feelin'. I think I'd give it some more time. Not worth a relapse. Let us know how your doing, Jules.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I guess I feel like I need to fess up to her because she is such a good friend of mine and this has happened so many times before. She wants to go out for some drinks with the girls and I'm making excuses why I can't. She basically is like "whats your excuse this time".

Its hard to say. The only two people I have told is my live-in boyfriend and my sister, that was proabably five years ago and when I finally got the words out of my mouth they both wanted to say no, no your not. They just didn't want to believe it. Well now, 5 years later and the progression of my disease and I can say I think they really believe me. I've proved myself right.

As far as a program I'm still putting it together. I've gone to AA but not regularly. I'm on SR, trying to exercise. I think my program is going to be a combo of things and haven't quite figured it out.

What do you do to stay sober?

Maybe I'm sick of making excuses to my friend and I just need to get it out. But I'm scared. I know in the past I've treated her poorly cause I was to drunk to care and I do owe her an apology. I've felt guilty for awhile about that, when she needed me I wasn't there, I was drunk.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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This is only a dilemma if you choose to make it so.

You do not owe your friend an explanation as to why you no longer drink alcohol.

You can tell your friend ' I've quit drinking as a lifestyle change and it's going well.'

I've turned down more invites out than I have accepted.

Whatever you do, respect your recovery.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks member72!

Its got my anxiety all in an uproar!!!

They never realized I was really just sick all along. You know drunk people can be funny. They just didn't know.....everybody would be "impressed" with the amount I can drink. We were young and dumb then and maybe it was more acceptable. What is acceptable in early twenties is totally different in early thirties. I'm just ready to be done with being sick from this disease and I'm at a point where I'm willing to work for it.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Jules - I'm really glad you brought this up. It's so helpful to be able to get things out in the open.

For me, it was so much easier to just come out with it. If you feel ready - this might be a good time. The way you describe your friendship, it sounds like you won't be losing her. You could even tell her about those times you felt bad for not being fully present (the times you say you treated her poorly). You can tell her you're not yourself when you drink, and that's one of the reasons it needs to stop. I know I hurt and confused many people when I was out of control. When I was able to unburden myself to some of those people, it was a huge weight lifted off me. Most of them were glad to know it was ok to talk about my problem, too. They'd been walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing.

Whatever you decide - you have us to confide in and talk it over with. That's what I love about this place.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drunkyjules View Post
I guess I feel like I need to fess up to her because she is such a good friend of mine and this has happened so many times before. She wants to go out for some drinks with the girls and I'm making excuses why I can't. She basically is like "whats your excuse this time".

Its hard to say. The only two people I have told is my live-in boyfriend and my sister, that was proabably five years ago and when I finally got the words out of my mouth they both wanted to say no, no your not. They just didn't want to believe it. Well now, 5 years later and the progression of my disease and I can say I think they really believe me. I've proved myself right.

As far as a program I'm still putting it together. I've gone to AA but not regularly. I'm on SR, trying to exercise. I think my program is going to be a combo of things and haven't quite figured it out.

What do you do to stay sober?

Maybe I'm sick of making excuses to my friend and I just need to get it out. But I'm scared. I know in the past I've treated her poorly cause I was to drunk to care and I do owe her an apology. I've felt guilty for awhile about that, when she needed me I wasn't there, I was drunk.
I go to NA have been a member for years now and it works for me because practice my program on a daily basis, but I understand now that there are many ways to walk along the path of recovery and they all have common elements of support action honesty friendship. SR was the first in my recovery and it probably saved my life.

So if I may suggest to you, find a program that suits you and do that and surround yourself with people who you admire and relate to in that program. In my case I needed to be gentle with myself and others as I had been so beaten and beaten myself up for years.

I feel for you and support you from here

Here is a link on SR for some of the different types of recovery programs:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)

Kevin
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Its amazing how such a simple problem can get so twisted in my head. I'm shaking and about to cry. I think she would be supportive, And it would probley answer some questions she has in her mind about me. I know she would be a support.

I guess I've just never "come out of the closet" to anyone but my boyfriend and my siblings.

I know secrets are no good though, they really have a deep impact on us, and lead back to the bottle.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks nogard. I need all the suggestions/help I can get. I know its a long journey and I'm just at the beginning. I'm one of the who would like to consider myself "high functioning". But I have to get real and there is nothing normal or healthy about the way I drink.

No more excuses!!!!
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I told those close to me who where friends and not drinking/using buddies but many of them didn't understand and still don't they are just pleased I am well today. If its that important then tell her but maybe pick a time when your clear about it.
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Old 01-24-2013, 04:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Jules,

I know I have skipped a few invites since deciding to stop drinking, I didn't want to put myself in a situation that would tempt me to drink.

I have told my husband, mom, one sister in law, and two of my closest friends. It is nice to have support from them. However, your decision to tell her is one you should be comfortable with. Maybe you can meet up with your friend to go for a walk, or get pedicures. Something that would still allow you to hang out, but that doesn't involve alcohol.

Good luck with your decision.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Its amazing how such a simple problem can get so twisted in my head. I'm shaking and about to cry. I think she would be supportive, And it would probley answer some questions she has in her mind about me. I know she would be a support.

I guess I've just never "come out of the closet" to anyone but my boyfriend and my siblings.

I know secrets are no good though, they really have a deep impact on us, and lead back to the bottle.
I don't agree with your assertion that failing to tell friends you're an addict is a secret.

It's your personal and confidential business and not a secret your keeping from the world.

If someone had a yeast infection, would they tell everyone about it?

Would you consider that person as keeping that news private, a secret?

When failing to tell our friends about our sexual fantasies, is that keeping a secret?

I do encourage you to consider the differences between secrecy and privacy.

Instead of obsessing about what your friend does or doesn't need to know about your addiction, why not instead focus on staying sober?

I think that's a good idea.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I think that is she is your friend she will understand if you tell her the truth. VERY hard, I know. But, you might be surprised at her reaction. And relieved. Maybe she would like to do something fun with you that doesnt involve drinking.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Your right Xune about the privacy vs. secret thing.

I know its something I need to think seriously about, but not something I need to stress so much about and possibly make me want to pick up.

If I'm honest with myself I have to admit I thought about.......what if she tells her other friends? I know them and like them but wouldn't want them to know my personal business. I don't want to be labeled "that" girl with the problem. I know she has told me stuff about them that I have wondered if they would be ok with it.

Maybe I do need to get farther along in my sobriety. Maybe just think on it so more.

Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I know part of the reason I didn't want to tell people in the beginning was that I was afraid I might slip or go back to drinking and I didn't want anyone to judge me if I did that.

Maybe I was leaving myself an "out," who knows?

My suggestion is that you not make it a huge formal announcement--just tell her that you miss going out and being with her, but that you have decided you shouldn't drink anymore and you don't feel comfortable right now being around drinking. Tell her you'd love to go out to lunch next week or something.

I'm betting that if she's the good friend you say she is she will be glad you're taking care of yourself and be happy to have lunch with you. And you won't be carrying around all this worry anymore. Really, it will be a big relief. The anticipation is always more intimidating than the reality.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:25 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Oh, and if you are concerned about her telling other people, just ask her to keep that to herself for right now. Good friends keep each other's confidences.
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:28 PM   #18 (permalink)
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She is probably waiting for my excuse but I need to just tell her. I know she loves me either way.

Can someone give me some courage.
You just said she will love you either way, so you don't need courage. Can you just tell her? Are you worried she'll spill the beans to your mutual friends?

I haven't read everybody's responses, so sorry if I'm saying what someone else already said.

Just to lighten the mood, I heard a guy speaking at a meeting and he said, "I always knew I was an alcoholic because all my friends told me I was."

Seriously though, it is a sensitive subject and I wouldn't tell someone if I thought they had loose lips. But that's not really a consideration for me because my friends live in different places and don't know one another. I didn't plan it that way, it's just the way it is.
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Old 01-25-2013, 12:01 AM   #19 (permalink)
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If it was me I would say I stopped drinking after Christmas/New Year/whenever your sobriety date was for health reasons. Say you are feeling much better physically and mentally for having stopped and don't want to drink. So you won't be going out as it would be too tempting. Then ask her out for lunch/coffee/gym one day so you and she can catch up without alcohol.

If she is a true friend she will respect your position, not push the issue and look forward to meeting you for lunch to catch up. If she harasses you, pressures you, makes fun of you she is a drinking buddy,doesn't have your best interests at heart and reconsider your friendship. remember, if she has a problem it is HER problem ,not yours.

I also agree with Xune-this is a private issue,I do not broadcast my problems to others either as consider it my private business.good luck
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:07 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Just tell her you are taking a break from alcohol for health reasons or tell her you and alcohol are not getting along right now..lol, you don't need to tell her you are an alcoholic...some things are personal..good luck
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