spacestation

How the hell can I hate myself more?

Just Uncontrolled drinking?

My beer can emties were $70 dollars, which means $1000 in booze. in one month.

I have mabie 10 % control over this anymore. So Fing bad.

Money is running out fast. I don't want to get out of bed, and If I do its just to get more.

This just gets more out of control every day.

I think about rehab, has it come to this?

Dee74

I think rehab would be a good move for you space...
As I see it, there's no shame in in it - it might just save your life?

D

SmallRedbox

Spacestation what will make you stronger? What will you look back on yourself in 12 months and be proud of? You might not know the answer but as you are here, you know the direction you want.

Change4good

I also believe rehab might be a smart move. It will get you out of bed, and in a better place. Is this an option? You have the ability to turn this around. You just may need some help. There is absolutely no shame in that. In fact, it is a sign on strength to take this first step.

NapsteR1

the time has come to reach out for help and you've taken a good step by posting, with that level on consumption you should really get in touch with your health service.

it can be done, I was getting though a similar amount prior to stopping, if I can mate, so can you!

instant

I think it's come to where it is. I think it's going to get worse from here. Going to rehab is in the other direction to where life is there to be lived.

I hope you can find the courage to do what needs to be done.

Zebra1275

Get to rehab if it's an option.

Do you have any idea how fantastic you can feel in February, if you complete rehab in January?

spacestation

I've been there twice before,

I was mid 20's in Texas the 1st time, and that scared the **** out of me. I was put in a Sanitorium with a Guy with terminal Aids that went to a Hospice the next day to die. So many others that were so far gone it was so scary.

Just one day in there then I got some really good treatment in the Alcohol unit. Lasted two weeks after that.

Second time in my early 40's, where I live the Renfrew rehab is basically voluntary prison. 2 years ago, I would rather die than go there again. Can't handle sensory deprivation and 20 foot walls, Old TV and one telephone for 60people. Cant live without a computer.

Got out of there and went to the Liquor Barn before home. That was no help at all.

No I have to do this on my own, I am tapering off with **** 10 beers today, then I have to bite the bullet and suffer mildly the HO to come.

I slipped and fell in my bathroom two days ago, and was in addition to being wasted completely disoriented. I thought, Man what if that happened on the stairs?

Ya I have to fight off so many attacking demons that just the right time has to come to really put my foot forward and do this.

My best intentions to quit have failed. So confusing, I feel so lame going to AA, but this may be the only thing to do.

I have found that doctors hate Alcoholics, the people at AA are the only ones who understand. I don't really agree with AA cause I am such a hellraiser. but where else can I go?

Dee74

My situation was a lot like yours space...I was being chased by demons to the edge of a cliff...I needed to do something to change the situation (however unpalatable those things might seem) or be hounded right off the cliff.

I've yet to find something as unpalatable as death.

I had a similar experience to you waking up on the bathroom floor...that and the resultant trip to hospital was enough to finally scare me straight.

The fact it hasn't done so for you really worries me, space.

D

TrixMixer

Hi Space,

I was not a fan of AA at first and never went through rehab, but you need some accountability and help in the beginning. Why not try an addiction counselor, that is the route I too for the first few months. Then you may want to try AA it has helped a lot of people here--try and give it a shot.Get some one on one time with a counselor. Just my opinion though!

Know this it is NOT hopeless, many have come back from Hell and are here to tell you about it.

Good Luck, Space!

spacestation

Ya, I have been told I have a deathwish by a psychologist.

I guess I do, It's a hard life right now.

I sometime think there is not a way out so why try and quit alcohol?

Part of me knows this is BS and I should Buck Up allready.

I feel like a terrable person who should die.

I wish I wasn't raised Catholic, I'm a really good person, I don't commit crime.

I'm disgusted with corruption, and when I get thinking on that, again I feel helpless and without a prayer.

The Government here is such a sorry example of morals and dis service to society that I just want out of here. But where do I go?

HereIAm321

Go inside. Inside yourself. Nothing external will help you or even encourage you, unless you go inside yourself FIRST.

Live in SPITE of "the man." Governments will always screw their citizens over -- that is the human condition. Sad but true. No one will ever be able to change that, it's the saga of life.

You might not like what you see when you look inside, but remember that YOU are the only person you have in this world, ultimately. No government or AA is going to take the place of your relationship with yourself.

YOU ARE ALL YOU HAVE.

And you CAN do this. And you WILL.

Delilah1

Hi Space,

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. I know you didn't have good experiences with rehab in the past, but it doesn't sound like things at home are going well either. I hope you can find a program to help you get and stay sober.

Please let us know how you are doing.

coraltint

you've been to rehab & are aware of AA. from my experience, the only thing another rehab will do is further convince you that you need some sort of sobriety maintenance program (like AA).

you probably do need to detox at a facility, but rehab really will just tell you what you already know, I think. the heavy question for you is....

have you had enough yet?

if so, there is a way out.

Dee74

do you have a therapist Space?

D

spacestation

Dee I had one, but she was incredibly good looking and I could not for a minute think about the things I should have. She knew it, and suggested I try a breathing exercise and demonstrated this by spreading her legs (she runs 5 miles a day) and my jaw dropped.

The best Day of my alcoholism I say, She obviously had people comming to just see her incredible body. She had to start insulting me to get my mind off the obvious.

She was so hot that I was just mesmorized. But she was also so smart, and caring, I felt like a little kid in a candy store with her. Har but the Man in me only wanted one thing and I guess she picked up on that.

This is the kind of whoa moment where you say I will do anything for you, marry me please!

The price of being gorgeous is men will loose thier minds around you. I am only a human man.

I guess I'm adddicted to hot chicks as well.

My brother in law came to one session and was equally in awe of this fine woman and I'm sure she has a hard time fighting off men all the time.

Thats the truth, guess My life has has a good moment along the way.

HereIAm321

...Did you look for a different therapist? I doubt she's the only therapist in existence, unless you live in a tiny town or something.

Dee74

A male therapist sounds like an excellent move Space.
Maybe an ex Marine or something.

D

spacestation

God sent me that Angel, and I knew I could never have her, and so I thought I'm dammed. Why not go with the Devil. And he has kept me busy.

Really I am so full of regretts. I have to stop looking back.

I'm going to burn in Hell. I have lost my faith amongst other virtues.

HereIAm321

God had nothing to do with it. By chance you met an attractive woman who just so happened to have the profession of therapist.

If I wrote myself off after every rejection, I'd be 6 feet under by now!

God sent you yourSELF. Try to listen to that gift.