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Old 12-23-2012, 03:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Can't decide how to handle my husband's addiction

My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Despite everything we've been going through lately, we still consider each other to be our best friend and would have a great marriage if not for his addiction.

Earlier this year, my husband confessed that he had gotten addicted to major opiates. I was shocked -- he is a master at hiding it, no one knew. He used pills for at least a year without my knowledge (was able to play around moving money around just enough to keep me fooled) and then crossed into heroin use for several months, trying to hide it until he couldn't take it anymore and reached out for help.

He went to rehab with good motivation to get better, and I allowed him to come home while doing his outpatient treatment (probably a mistake), and after outpatient was over I continued to drug test him a couple times a week. He did really well staying sober for 2 months, going to AA like every night, getting a new job, etc, but recently relapsed for a couple weeks and tried to hide it, initially calling it just a 'slip up,' but later admitting it was a major relapse (when he was getting caught, that is, he still didn't come to me or anyone) and he felt very ashamed. I had taken control of our checking account and credit cards but he still had a business account in his name only and depleted that account of several thousand dollars (it's now closed).

My first instinct has been to just divorce him. As soon as I found out the relapse was more than a 'slip up,' I told him to leave our home and live somewhere else. I am trying to sort through my anger, panic, disappointment, sadness, stress, etc, etc....addiction is so hard on the family. I just don't know what to do now. I felt like I gave him a great chance to get it together. Is relapse forgiveable?? I don't want to endanger our daughter anymore.

He is sober again now (for 1 week) and says he's commited to staying sober and willing to live separately, whatever it takes to get his family back supposedly. I have an appt with a lawyer in a week and a half. I don't know whether to go for the divorce and see if he cleans up and we can start over with our relationship; give him 6 months of a separation to prove himself.....I just don't know. My parents are hoping I just divorce him and move on -- the financial and liability risks are huge since I have a great job and we have a really nice house that we bought right before this all came to light. Any advice on this mess is appreciated....
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Old 12-23-2012, 03:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Seems to me you are handling it well. Not putting up with any BS. Set your bounderies and stick by them. Too many spouses of addicts and alcoholics can't bring themselves to leave, and put themselves in a terrible place.

We have a great forum for friends and family:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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adygil:
You just said what I was thinking of saying. There is no one set solution to these problems but it is always helpful to think about ending a cycle of codependency, game playing between spouses where one spouse tries to "hide" the addiction from the other.

W.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by HBrooke29 View Post
My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Despite everything we've been going through lately, we still consider each other to be our best friend and would have a great marriage if not for his addiction.

Earlier this year, my husband confessed that he had gotten addicted to major opiates. I was shocked -- he is a master at hiding it, no one knew. He used pills for at least a year without my knowledge (was able to play around moving money around just enough to keep me fooled) and then crossed into heroin use for several months, trying to hide it until he couldn't take it anymore and reached out for help.

He went to rehab with good motivation to get better, and I allowed him to come home while doing his outpatient treatment (probably a mistake), and after outpatient was over I continued to drug test him a couple times a week. He did really well staying sober for 2 months, going to AA like every night, getting a new job, etc, but recently relapsed for a couple weeks and tried to hide it, initially calling it just a 'slip up,' but later admitting it was a major relapse (when he was getting caught, that is, he still didn't come to me or anyone) and he felt very ashamed. I had taken control of our checking account and credit cards but he still had a business account in his name only and depleted that account of several thousand dollars (it's now closed).

My first instinct has been to just divorce him. As soon as I found out the relapse was more than a 'slip up,' I told him to leave our home and live somewhere else. I am trying to sort through my anger, panic, disappointment, sadness, stress, etc, etc....addiction is so hard on the family. I just don't know what to do now. I felt like I gave him a great chance to get it together. Is relapse forgiveable?? I don't want to endanger our daughter anymore.

He is sober again now (for 1 week) and says he's commited to staying sober and willing to live separately, whatever it takes to get his family back supposedly. I have an appt with a lawyer in a week and a half. I don't know whether to go for the divorce and see if he cleans up and we can start over with our relationship; give him 6 months of a separation to prove himself.....I just don't know. My parents are hoping I just divorce him and move on -- the financial and liability risks are huge since I have a great job and we have a really nice house that we bought right before this all came to light. Any advice on this mess is appreciated....
You sound cold and lacking any empathy. It's all about you. Why don't you try to understand where he's coming from? I hope he gets his addiction whipped. I think you both will be better off divorcing. He needs a true friend. Somebody who is willing to be supportive and loving through the good and bad. A fair weather friend isn't really a friend at all.
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Old 12-24-2012, 10:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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If you really love him take your own advise and seperate for a bit. Give him a chance to get sober... It is not easy and if you haven't been there it is very hard to relate. Don't listen to what your parents or others say or think, do what you believe is right for you. You obviously love him as stated in your first paragraph and you guys have a lot invested... Give it some time... If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but why rush out and get divorced? You can still set boundaries, seperate your finances, etc, and try to protect yourself as best as possible... I am sooo glad my wife has stuck by me throughout the years and don't know where I would be without her. I agree that you should perhaps try al-anon, which will give you some perspective on the entire situation. This is all just one man's opinion so take it like a grain of salt. I have put my wife through a lot and have managed to stay sober the majority of our 21 years of marriage, but I have had some slips (one just recently)... There is no easy answer to your situation but I am so blessed that my wife stayed by my side "in sickness and in health, for better or worse"... I love that woman and have put her through a lot, but life is not perfect... I wish you luck in whatever you decide...
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Old 12-24-2012, 07:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for your comments, everyone. I really appreciate it -- I do have to decide for myself, and I shouldn't rush things.

Unclebigs - I understand what you are trying to say. However, you have to try to detach yourself emotionally from a situation when a small child is involved. When your spouse spends his entire paycheck and money for Christmas on drugs, or shoots up in the bathroom with a two-year-old in the house, empathizing is a little difficult. And furthermore, Al-anon and any self-help book you read tells you to focus on yourself and what is going to make you happy. I have tried to be supportive, but I'm sick of getting lied to, sorry if that's made me a cold person.
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