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Old 12-11-2012, 07:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Day two...a bit about me

Well, I made it through yesterday/last night with one beer. I know it isn't abstinence but considering where I am right now it was a good start....
Skipping all my silly adolecence and first time in college days (both of with are sprinkled with binge drinking), fast forward to adulthood. I am 39 and have really been a binge drinker all my adult life. I am married (18 years) to a man who drinks but over the years he has slowly seemed to cut it out of his life more and more. I on the other hand went the other direction, I have slowly started drinking more over time. To say I have hid it well over the years would be a gross understatement...until now.
I am a RN, and currently getting my BSN in Nursing, maintaining full time college credits, working fulltime, and a mother and wife full time (15yrs old, 4yr old, and 3yr old girls) and I am an avid runner and cyclist.....I have my hands full for sure! But I love all of it. I like to do everything at 100%, which includes my indulgence in alcohol. I do not drink in the morning, rarely in the afternoon unless its on the weekend and we take a long bike ride and stop off for a couple beers on the way back. I drink at night, I may have a glass of wine or beer while getting the girls ready for bed. Its after my kids and usually even my husband have all went to bed that I really start. Often I won't go to bed until 2 or 3AM. I try to justify my drinking at night as a way to enjoy doing my homework or shop for gifts or surf the web for our next vacation....as if I have earned the right to drink since I spent all day doing all the things I should....its a pretty egocentric way of thinking for someone who really just wants to please everyone else. Since I work nights, I can only drink on my nights off which is 3 to 4 nights a week and I usually drink at least something on all of those nights, however there are weeks at a time that I don't because I am trying to get clean for a race I am planning on running. Pretty much 2 weeks is as far as I get. I did not drink at all during my pregnancies, or the months I was nursing the babies and I thought I could keep that up when the last one was born three years ago, ironically though it seems I have been binging more than ever the last 2 years....I really am exhausted. Something has got to give, and alcohol is the obvious. The facade I have kept up with my co-workers, family, and most of my friends (a couple of my closer friends I think have a clue that I have a problem because they have been witness to my antics) has been surprisingly successful for several years. However, I held the work holiday party at my house this weekend and my less attractive side reared its head and I am afraid I have now opened myself to some speculation, not to mention gossip. And to top it off, because I drank before guests arrived I was good and loaded early in the night with very little memory of the majority of time that people were at my house, thus I have no idea what I did or said or who I offended, just brief visions that I can't really place but I know couldn't have been good. So, in my usually mode I would be a nervous wreck on the inside, anxious, and pretending I'm ok then drink that night to try and forget about it but last night I said no to indulging....and lay awake, heart pounding, mind racing, creating scenerio's that may or may not have existed and refusing to just ask someone who was there, what I did....facing the music is a very hard thing. Well now that I have written a book, I think I will take a deep breathe.....thank you for being here.
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. Thanks for sharing. Hope joining proves helpful in your journey to sobriety.

Like you, I started in the evenings and drank late into the night, after the wife went to bed. It was taking it's toll. Glad I'm free of that and blessed to be sober 27 months.
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Old 12-11-2012, 08:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome SAD. My story is a lot like yours except I am not blessed with children. I am a responsible, employed, married woman who cannot control my alcohol intake. Like you I have in the past gone weeks without drinking but when I do boy do I drink. I have had horrible mornings after feeling awful, worried about what I did the night before that I do not remember. Believe me - we are not the only two - many others here will tell similar tales. I am trying this time to make a commitment to never drink aagin - AT ALL. I hope the same for you.

Again welcome. Keep posting it seems to be helping me and I think it will benefit you too.
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Old 12-11-2012, 10:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you Doggonecarl and TTBABP! I will probably be coming on here alot, especially in the late evening hours as that is "witching hour" for me.
There is a part of me feeling some real relief to have somewhere safe to talk about this and there is an equal part scared to death.....my computer is public in the sense that my oldest daughter and occassionally my husband use, and I am not in a place yet that I feel ready to bring this out to light. Which really if I am honest with myself means I don't know if I am fully committed.
Hands down, this is going to be the hardest challenge of my life to date.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi SAD3,

Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you have a good grasp on the issues. I commend you on wanting to stop drinking and taking the appropriate actions before it gets really bad. I wish I had.

I wanted to add that I too was afraid of using a shared computer and leaving traces of me visiting here. This site is my private place to share, learn, and maybe even help others. If you are concerned about that you can use your browsers "private" viewing feature that leaves nothing behind. In IE they call it "In-Private" browsing, Chrome is called "Icognitio", and firefox is called "Private browsing." You can google that or let me know if you have questions.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for the good info dybehfar, I will check it out on my computer and if I can't figure it out I will call on you!
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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OMG, your drinking "habits" are just like mine. EVERY evening when my wife goes upstairs to read or go to bed as she does early. my two boys 22 and 18 doing their own thing it was my time to sit my ass on the floor, laptop on the coffee table in front of me and the tv on, I hog the family room to myself and sit there and drink LONG past when I should have been in bed. Not a morning or an afternoon drinker. Just an anti social evening at home drinker that was greedy for my own time with my drink...On several occasions I would hear my wife get up to use the washroom at 1 am and yell down "enough, get to bed". lol and of course my reply was "yeah yeah, go back go bed"... last night was my first night with no alcohol and tonight will be my second, today has been an emotional roller coaster with anxiety and worried thoughts. Boy I can`t wait for booze to be in my "history books" and get back to living and looking human again...........you are already one step ahead I assume as you talk about being a runner and cyclist so physically you havn`t got a booze body yet, if you can go the durations that you have with no booze then why not just use that advantage and throw it out sister?.......anyways reading your post was almost a mirror of mine cept for the cyclist part...lol
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome Sad-it is horrible when you can't remember something you did or said, even worse when it involves people from work and your reputation. I think it's great you found SR so you can get some help and support. It's amazing the diffence removing alcohol from your life can make. You sound highly functioning so you will probably attack getting sober like you do everything else
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi SAD! Thanks so much for telling us a bit about yourself. You indeed do have a hectic life!

I have spent my entire adult life as an active alcoholic, except for 1 1/2 years. I'm 45. Eke. So much of my time spent in a drunken stupor. I raised a daughter who is now almost 21 who spent her childhood and adolescence with a raging alcoholic. I first became sober when she was 18 and am currently on Day 12 from a relapse.

I suppose I'm telling you this so you can try to avoid the difficulty I presented to my daughter. You have 3 beautiful children and they deserve a Mom who is fully present. I only say this because I'm somewhat jealous that you have an opportunity that I can never get back.

I'm sorry you had to experience this past weekend. You're obviously strong and I'm sure you can overcome anything you'd like!

Keep posting and reading on SR. I found this website several months ago but only mustered enough courage to join a little over a week ago. I am now pretty obsessed about logging on and reading! It's incredibly helpful and definitely a safe place to say what's on your mind. We may all be a bit different in life, but when it comes to drinking we're family. I've found that only alcoholics (not calling you an alcoholic, but I am definitely one) can understand alcoholics!
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Camperboy, yes that is exactly how I function with my drinking.....late at night. And I had to chuckle when you mentioned your wife getting up and telling you to go to bed, my husband has said that many times over the years, but he believes I'm really working on my studies, which I am....but taking twice as long to accomplish due to refreshing my cocktail or glass of wine..
FreeFall, I think it's because I am highly functioning that I've continued my drinking...and if I can only attack it like I have in my other aspects of life I should beat it.
SoberFallen, my girls have luckily been shielded from my darker side, for the most part. My oldest who is 15, she is on occassion making a comment to me like (with sarcasm only a teenager can produce) "nice mom, you seemed like you had a good time" (rolling eyes) when we entertain company for example. So now I am highly aware of how closely kids do actually pay attention. Oh, and yes, I am an alcoholic...a highly functioning, physically fit, professional, and all around put together alcoholic....maybe the worst kind (my sarcasm).
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Camperboy, yes that is exactly how I function with my drinking.....late at night. And I had to chuckle when you mentioned your wife getting up and telling you to go to bed, my husband has said that many times over the years, but he believes I'm really working on my studies, which I am....but taking twice as long to accomplish due to refreshing my cocktail or glass of wine..
FreeFall, I think it's because I am highly functioning that I've continued my drinking...and if I can only attack it like I have in my other aspects of life I should beat it.
SoberFallen, my girls have luckily been shielded from my darker side, for the most part. My oldest who is 15, she is on occassion making a comment to me like (with sarcasm only a teenager can produce) "nice mom, you seemed like you had a good time" (rolling eyes) when we entertain company for example. So now I am highly aware of how closely kids do actually pay attention. Oh, and yes, I am an alcoholic...a highly functioning, physically fit, professional, and all around put together alcoholic....maybe the worst kind (my sarcasm).
Oh and one more thing about late night boozing/surfing for holidays.....um I`m 11 years older than you and have travelled very little in my life.....UNTIL the dreaded habit of sitting at the laptop late at night boozing......Since November of 2010 and this November just passed I was on Priceline and booked holidays, In Orlando Florida, Then Scottsdale, Phoenix, Sedona, Grand Canyon Arizona, New Orleans Lousiana, Atlanta Georgia and another Orlando Florida so STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!,,,,lol
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I made my first purchase on Groupon last year.....late at night.....very late....nope, it wasn't a dinner gift certificate or 2 day getaway it was...
A $2500 sailing trip in Mexico, that one was hard to explain.
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome! Your drinking patterns are a lot like mine (down to working out and getting it together for a couple of weeks before the race/event). I only have one daughter who is now 4. She unfortunately was diagnosed with a pretty serious condition a couple of years ago so I have never gone back to work outside the home. Just gave me more reason to drink when everyone went to bed. I stopped "on my own" in August and went about 6-7 weeks but then decided to drink a few times in a few week period. Fearing my consumption would go back to what it was, I finally admitted to myself and my partner that I am truly an alcoholic. I joined here and also have been attending AA meetings (after years of swearing it wasn't for me). I am on day 46 currently.

I hated not remembering and being too afraid or embarrassed to ask. Luckily I drank the most by myself--but there were events over the years that felt the way you described your recent party.

Please stick around and read lots. Try not to overwhelm yourself right away with your thoughts. If you are like me you are going to either want to try to control it--(I can't, I have learned), or want to be 100% fine with never drinking again-immediately. Neither of those scenerio's happened for me. And I am ok with that.

The world doesn't stop spinning when we stop drinking. But our lives will feel just a bit more manageable. And our self esteem usually improves as well. You don't ever have to "not remember" ever again.

Welcome and I look forward to reading more from you.
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome!!

I felt like I was reading about me, except my kiddos are 9,8 and 5 and I will be 42 tomorrow. I am an educator and I love to bike, swim, run (at least trying to transition back from walking).

I stopped 61 days ago, I did an outdoor adventure race on Day 2 and thought I was going to die, that is what happens when the majority if my training involved walking to the kitchen, uncorking the wine, pouring, and walking back to the living room, although I did many reps it did not seem to be the best training plan!!

I am doing a half marathon at the end of January and by then I will have over 100 days sober, it should be a much better race, even if I have to walk!!

Although there are some difficult days, especially in the beginning it is worth it!! Looking forward to seeing you on SR!
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome SAD3

As you see above you will find great support here.

Glad you are here

Good Luck!
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:12 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Oh gee I can relate so much to you Sad, although I am 48 & not the fitness fanatic you are...late nights drinking alone, falling asleep on the couch, embarrassed about the memory loss, too afraid to ask, trying to conceal from everyone...I even cut short outings where I say oh only a couple then race home to my safe lounge & drink to oblivion
I was always a tiny frame & when I hit 40 ballooned 4 stone into a large frame, I know it's the alcohol as I'm not a big eater, so just watch this. Also my doctor is worried & sent me to a specialist because my liver is very bad....I know this will only get worse. Hence I came here & I know you will find what I did, someone to actually be honest with. I'm sure my friends suspect, but really it's only the recycle man who hears all the smashing each fortnight when the truck comes around LOL
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:53 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Welcome to SRforum SAD3! Keep coming back, it works if you work it.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:18 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Boy, oh boy...I can relate.

My wonderful family goes to bed, and I sit in the downstairs den and drink all night long. It got to a point where I didn't even know WHY. It was purely habit. I would get lousy stinking drunk by myself, bored out of my skull and feeling bad for letting my hobbies and health go down the drain.

You are not alone. I never drink during the day, and I don't drink in front of my son. I do it all alone...like its my little secret thing I get to do.

Well, it isn't thrilling or fun or healthy or productive and I, like you have said "enough is enough." I just hope it isnt too late to salvage my health.

Congratulations on posting here. It is a very good start. We are all here is you need us (even though I am pretty new at this, too...)
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