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Old 12-04-2012, 11:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy with relationship in sobriety?

I haven't been sober that long but it seems like everytime I am sober, my boyfriend and I fight bad. I don't know if it's more him or me but he drinks quite a bit and smokes a ton of pot (which never bothered me but does now that I'm completely sober) and he has a very bad temper and often yells at me if I talk about feeling stressed out or scared. I'm so miserable. I love him but I want to move out. I felt so much happier last year when we met (I was sober then and had a relapse) but I think I should not be living with him or any guy as it puts me over the edge having to constantly please a man and look perfect and act all bubbly and happy when I'm struggling this much with just staying sober. The problem is I have very little money and NO WHERE to go. I am really struggling here. Any advice or whatever I would appreciate. Im about to go get messed up over it I'm so freaking emotionally overwhelmed.

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Old 12-05-2012, 12:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, I care, and if you've got nowhere to go, getting messed up is really going to mess things up. I can't say whether staying with your beau is the best thing or not, but going on a bender and getting kicked out in a discombobulated state? That would be disastrous.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi, BabyJane. Sorry to hear you are going through hard times now.

I think that we are either happy in our relationships, or not. SObriety has little to do with it, just when we drink we prefer to "hide head in the sand". Or in a bottle. My situation wasn't exactly like yours, but I can relate. Anyway, I regained my own self only when started to live alone again. Maybe, consider sharing some place with other girl so you could split expenses? Not an advice, just a thought.

And, please, do not reach for a drink as a stress-reliever. You know, it will only make it worse.

My best wishes to you.
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you both for the advice and kind words... I guess I should add that (my part here) I am not being totally honest with him about what I'm dealing with and how much difficulty I've had staying sober lately. So he probably has no idea I'm in such a bad place. He's not an addict or alcoholic (he does drink and use drugs but I don't think he's in any way addicted or obsessed with it) so he just doesn't get it. And he has the worst temper!!! He cussed me out all night tonight and I just can't deal with being threatened and called names!!!

But you're absolutely correct. Getting loaded will only make it harder for me to solve thus problem and care for myself. I think I will look for a sober living or something like that and think about going somewhere else if things don't get better. I feel so vunerable. It sucks. I don't want to depend on him for anything. In fact, I don't want to depend on anyone. It's hard because I then feel weak and pathetic for not being able to do it all on my own.

Anyway... Long emotionally charged rant(s) are kind of annoying so I'll stop now and just say THANK YOU again!
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BabyJane View Post
Thank you both for the advice and kind words... I guess I should add that (my part here) I am not being totally honest with him about what I'm dealing with and how much difficulty I've had staying sober lately. So he probably has no idea I'm in such a bad place. He's not an addict or alcoholic (he does drink and use drugs but I don't think he's in any way addicted or obsessed with it) so he just doesn't get it. And he has the worst temper!!! He cussed me out all night tonight and I just can't deal with being threatened and called names!!!

But you're absolutely correct. Getting loaded will only make it harder for me to solve thus problem and care for myself. I think I will look for a sober living or something like that and think about going somewhere else if things don't get better. I feel so vunerable. It sucks. I don't want to depend on him for anything. In fact, I don't want to depend on anyone. It's hard because I then feel weak and pathetic for not being able to do it all on my own.

Anyway... Long emotionally charged rant(s) are kind of annoying so I'll stop now and just say THANK YOU again!
You're not pathetic. You're just in a vulnerable situation. And don't worry about the rant. I enjoyed it.

I'm in Northern CA and you can call 211 and speak to someone who can give you phone numbers for various services. A free sober living facility is among them here. Don't know how it works in San Diego.

You say your boyfriend isn't compulsive with drinking or drugs, but yet he cusses you out all night? Something isn't right about that. I live in a household where a couple gets in 7-10 minute screaming matches with extremely vulgar profanity and even that is too much for me. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that unless I had nowhere else to go.

Thankfully things have been quiet for the past couple of months.
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