Im new here and my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I need help - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Kristi255 · 10-08-2012, 09:10 PM

I have been with him for 3 years off and on 1 year of being together continuous with no breakups. He is an alcoholic and it is affecting our relationship. He cant get a job due to having a felony so he babysits my child while i work. He would get drunk while watching her and pass out. He wont admit that he has a problem. We talked about it and he just acts like its not a problem. At first he agreed to cut back to drinking only twice a week. That worked for a little while and then he went back to drinking daily. Then he promised he wouldnt drink for a week. Broke that promise. So then we had an agreement he wouldnt drink while i was at work. The last time i was at work and i got a text saying that my daughter was at the neighbors house. I came home and he had the house destroyed and the door barricaded shut. Passed out on the couch drunk. That was the last straw. I tried to kick him out and he wont leave he says he loves us too much to leave. So he promised he would stop drinking completely. He stopped for two weeks. Today he got drunk again. This time with our neighbors and started fighting with them. He knows he screwed up and i have to do something. I just dont know what to do. I love him my daughter adores him but i cant stand for her to see him drunk and us fighting. Shes only four years old and she shouldnt have to witness him and us doing that. I just cant go through this anymore but i really do not know what to do. Please if anyone has some advice i need it desperately. HOw can i make him realize that he needs to get help?? He doesnt understand why it was never a problem before and now it is. I used to drink and still do every maybe 3-4 months. I am trying to better myself and my family. I work and go to school and i cant get him to understand.

kiwichick · 10-08-2012, 11:01 PM

Hi Kristi255, sorry you are going through this but you're in the right place. I am going through a similar experience, but have been in denial for years....the most helpful advice I have been given is to go to al anon as you cannot control the drinker.
I tried everything: telling him to stop, threatening to leave, drinking with him and I have only realised recently that they will give up when they want to.
Sorry that's about all I can say at the moment....I have just been to my first al anon meeting last week and I will continue to go each week as I need to help myself first

Is there anyone else who can look after your daughter??

Natom · 10-09-2012, 01:37 AM

Hello Kristi,

I know you're in a hard place now. Take a look at this forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

It has a lot of people in the same basic situation as you sharing their experience.

SeekSobriety · 10-09-2012, 01:44 AM

Hi Kristi,

I really feel for you, it sounds like a very tough situation. There is nothing we can do to change people, they have to want to change. It sounds like you have given him many chances (Perhaps even too many) Firstly I would make sure he is not alone with your child anymore. Secondly, if you tried to get him to leave your house and he would not, this is obviously a much more serious issue. Do you have any family you can stay with? Have you contacted any of the Women's groups or Shelters? You should not jeopardize you or your daughters safety on a hope or wish that this guy get's his act together (which is does not sound like he is willing to do) Based on your description of this guy, it sounds like he needs serious in-patient rehab and daily or weekly therapy. Perhaps one day he will decide to get the help he needs, but in the meantime you need to do what is right for you and your Daughter, and based on what you wrote, I would have to say staying away from him is probably the best course of action.

Some places where you can find more prompt assistance.

Safe Harbor, Inc. :: A Safe Home, When Home Isn't Safe

Lots of local resources are available here. http://www.scdhec.gov/administration.../ML-017048.pdf

Good Support can be found at a Al Anon meetingWelcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

RobC420 · 10-09-2012, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristi255

HOw can i make him realize that he needs to get help??

You can't. It's gotta be his decision.

MesoFreak · 10-09-2012, 02:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristi255

I have been with him for 3 years off and on 1 year of being together continuous with no breakups. He is an alcoholic and it is affecting our relationship. He cant get a job due to having a felony so he babysits my child while i work. He would get drunk while watching her and pass out. He wont admit that he has a problem. We talked about it and he just acts like its not a problem. At first he agreed to cut back to drinking only twice a week. That worked for a little while and then he went back to drinking daily. Then he promised he wouldnt drink for a week. Broke that promise. So then we had an agreement he wouldnt drink while i was at work. The last time i was at work and i got a text saying that my daughter was at the neighbors house. I came home and he had the house destroyed and the door barricaded shut. Passed out on the couch drunk. That was the last straw. I tried to kick him out and he wont leave he says he loves us too much to leave. So he promised he would stop drinking completely. He stopped for two weeks. Today he got drunk again. This time with our neighbors and started fighting with them. He knows he screwed up and i have to do something. I just dont know what to do. I love him my daughter adores him but i cant stand for her to see him drunk and us fighting. Shes only four years old and she shouldnt have to witness him and us doing that. I just cant go through this anymore but i really do not know what to do. Please if anyone has some advice i need it desperately. HOw can i make him realize that he needs to get help?? He doesnt understand why it was never a problem before and now it is. I used to drink and still do every maybe 3-4 months. I am trying to better myself and my family. I work and go to school and i cant get him to understand.

Kristi, my dad and my uncles were/are big alcoholics. They drink and be obnoxious, mean, sad, yell, fight, cry, dad almost beat my mom (she deny's it for some dumb reason), etc. My sister and I are chronic depressed and I honestly believe it was due to the many years of living with a drunk. Listening to his depressing music. Watching act a fool. I have a drinking problem now I wish I never had, but if I could beg you to do one thing for the sake of your young daughter, is to leave him! Don't be like my mom, we suffered a lot, and I have a lot of resentment and anger toward him and her for staying. You probably wont listen, because its hard, or love or whatever reason, but considered it seriously or you may live to regret it. All my best wishes to you and your baby girl.

***Pelican*** · 10-09-2012, 06:12 AM

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. This is a wonderful resource of support and information.

There is a section of the SR family devoted to the support of Friends & Family members of Alcoholics. You would be welcomed there by members dealing with similar situations.

When I first arrived at the Friends and Family Section, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to accept that concept. I was certain I had the power to change him. I didn't.

Here is a link to a SR post that contains steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

***Anna*** · 10-09-2012, 06:30 AM

Welcome!

I hope that you find support for yourself, here and at AlAnon.

silly · 10-09-2012, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristi255

The last time i was at work and i got a text saying that my daughter was at the neighbors house. I came home and he had the house destroyed and the door barricaded shut. Passed out on the couch drunk. That was the last straw. I tried to kick him out and he wont leave he says he loves us too much to leave. So he promised he would stop drinking completely. He stopped for two weeks. Today he got drunk again. This time with our neighbors and started fighting with them. He knows he screwed up and i have to do something. I just dont know what to do. I love him my daughter adores him but i cant stand for her to see him drunk and us fighting. Shes only four years old and she shouldnt have to witness him and us doing that. I just cant go through this anymore but i really do not know what to do. Please if anyone has some advice i need it desperately. HOw can i make him realize that he needs to get help?? He doesnt understand why it was never a problem before and now it is. I used to drink and still do every maybe 3-4 months. I am trying to better myself and my family. I work and go to school and i cant get him to understand.

So the last straw was two weeks ago? He won't leave? You know who you can call to make him leave. The number is 911. And it's because of your daughter's safety, correct? And yours. He's not working, depending on you and is unable to provide a safe environment while you're not home. He's really providing nothing to this relationship except desperation and fear.
I realize you want him to get better but, he needs to get better somewhere else. He is putting your daughter in danger every single day. Every. Single. Day. You can't make him realize he needs help. You can't make him realize he needs to change. Only when he sees it for himself will he take any lasting steps to address the problem. Until then you're looking at empty promises. Until then you cannot trust him.

I don't want to sound so harsh but it's just... true. I'm so sorry you're going through something like this. I can't imagine. I know I've put my loved one through some crap though and I know any action that was taken was for good reason. Do you have friends and family to lean on? Al Anon and the Friends and Family forum here on SR are good resources. You'll find other great resources along the way, too.

marie1960 · 10-09-2012, 07:30 AM

Kristi,

If it were me I would kick his a$$ to the curb. The money you are spending to feed, house, and purchase booze can certainly be put towards a SAFE, nurturing, learning, childcare environment. Leaving a 4 year old with a passed out drunk has disaster written all over it.

Saying this without malice, but it's time to remove the rose colored glasses and look at the situation for what it truly is. He is an out of work, convicted felon, an out of control alkie, and truly has nothing to offer you and your child. I certainly believe you are worthy of more.

This is not a healthy situation for you or your child. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, without HIM choosing recovery, it's only going to get worse. Save YOURSELF and your CHILD.

10-08-2012, 09:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
Kristi255 Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Greenville Sc Posts: 1	Im new here and my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I need help I have been with him for 3 years off and on 1 year of being together continuous with no breakups. He is an alcoholic and it is affecting our relationship. He cant get a job due to having a felony so he babysits my child while i work. He would get drunk while watching her and pass out. He wont admit that he has a problem. We talked about it and he just acts like its not a problem. At first he agreed to cut back to drinking only twice a week. That worked for a little while and then he went back to drinking daily. Then he promised he wouldnt drink for a week. Broke that promise. So then we had an agreement he wouldnt drink while i was at work. The last time i was at work and i got a text saying that my daughter was at the neighbors house. I came home and he had the house destroyed and the door barricaded shut. Passed out on the couch drunk. That was the last straw. I tried to kick him out and he wont leave he says he loves us too much to leave. So he promised he would stop drinking completely. He stopped for two weeks. Today he got drunk again. This time with our neighbors and started fighting with them. He knows he screwed up and i have to do something. I just dont know what to do. I love him my daughter adores him but i cant stand for her to see him drunk and us fighting. Shes only four years old and she shouldnt have to witness him and us doing that. I just cant go through this anymore but i really do not know what to do. Please if anyone has some advice i need it desperately. HOw can i make him realize that he needs to get help?? He doesnt understand why it was never a problem before and now it is. I used to drink and still do every maybe 3-4 months. I am trying to better myself and my family. I work and go to school and i cant get him to understand.

10-09-2012, 01:37 AM	#3 (permalink)
Natom Not Alone Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: South East UK Posts: 1,253 Blog Entries: 2	Hello Kristi, I know you're in a hard place now. Take a look at this forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information It has a lot of people in the same basic situation as you sharing their experience. __________________ Tiny little boxes in a row. Ain't what you want it's what you know. Just happy in the shoes you're wearin.

10-09-2012, 06:12 AM	#7 (permalink)
*Pelican* peaceful seabird Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 4,742	Welcome to the SR family! I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. This is a wonderful resource of support and information. There is a section of the SR family devoted to the support of Friends & Family members of Alcoholics. You would be welcomed there by members dealing with similar situations. When I first arrived at the Friends and Family Section, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism: I did not Cause it I can not Control it I will not Cure it It took me some time to accept that concept. I was certain I had the power to change him. I didn't. Here is a link to a SR post that contains steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html __________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers

10-09-2012, 06:30 AM	#8 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,837	Welcome! I hope that you find support for yourself, here and at AlAnon. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

10-08-2012, 11:01 PM	#2 (permalink)
kiwichick Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Australia Posts: 15	Hi Kristi255, sorry you are going through this but you're in the right place. I am going through a similar experience, but have been in denial for years....the most helpful advice I have been given is to go to al anon as you cannot control the drinker. I tried everything: telling him to stop, threatening to leave, drinking with him and I have only realised recently that they will give up when they want to. Sorry that's about all I can say at the moment....I have just been to my first al anon meeting last week and I will continue to go each week as I need to help myself first Is there anyone else who can look after your daughter??

10-09-2012, 01:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
SeekSobriety Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 428	Hi Kristi, I really feel for you, it sounds like a very tough situation. There is nothing we can do to change people, they have to want to change. It sounds like you have given him many chances (Perhaps even too many) Firstly I would make sure he is not alone with your child anymore. Secondly, if you tried to get him to leave your house and he would not, this is obviously a much more serious issue. Do you have any family you can stay with? Have you contacted any of the Women's groups or Shelters? You should not jeopardize you or your daughters safety on a hope or wish that this guy get's his act together (which is does not sound like he is willing to do) Based on your description of this guy, it sounds like he needs serious in-patient rehab and daily or weekly therapy. Perhaps one day he will decide to get the help he needs, but in the meantime you need to do what is right for you and your Daughter, and based on what you wrote, I would have to say staying away from him is probably the best course of action. Some places where you can find more prompt assistance. Safe Harbor, Inc. :: A Safe Home, When Home Isn't Safe Lots of local resources are available here. http://www.scdhec.gov/administration.../ML-017048.pdf Good Support can be found at a Al Anon meetingWelcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

10-09-2012, 07:30 AM	#10 (permalink)
marie1960 Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 1,182 Blog Entries: 1	Kristi, If it were me I would kick his a$$ to the curb. The money you are spending to feed, house, and purchase booze can certainly be put towards a SAFE, nurturing, learning, childcare environment. Leaving a 4 year old with a passed out drunk has disaster written all over it. Saying this without malice, but it's time to remove the rose colored glasses and look at the situation for what it truly is. He is an out of work, convicted felon, an out of control alkie, and truly has nothing to offer you and your child. I certainly believe you are worthy of more. This is not a healthy situation for you or your child. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, without HIM choosing recovery, it's only going to get worse. Save YOURSELF and your CHILD.

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)