Ashamed.. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

jakec · 09-30-2012, 03:17 PM

It was my 3rd time going into a rehab, that was going to be it.. I was going to complete the program and my life would get better..

The place I was at was much different from the 1st rehab I went to, it was more hospital like.. hospitals freak me out, being around so many peers that I dont know freaks me out, I could tell I wasn't comfortable there from the moment I got there, but I told myself I would stick it out..

By the 3rd day there I completely lost it. Started having a really bad panic attack while I was around everyone, I tried to keep it unnoticed.. I just sat there and dug into recent cuts that I had on my arm with my finger nail, while my heart pounded and could barely breathe.. I ended up running back into my room and freaking out.. I'm not going to go into full detail about it, but they ended up sending me to the hospital and told me not to come back..

I can't believe I'm home already. I did DXM last night. I've been not talking to anyone because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened AGAIN. I feel like I've let my family down and people in NA down.. And I know the real shame is to not get back up and try again but I'm at the point where the fear of failure is hindering me from trying. I know I need to get to NA, suck it up and explain to everyone.. it just hurts.

Sapling · 09-30-2012, 03:20 PM

It's not easy Jake...But those people in NA have been there...They'll help you. They won't judge you.

IWillWin · 09-30-2012, 03:30 PM

Jake - I don't have any experience with NA but if it is anything like AA you will be welcome back with open arms and tons of support. Go. Reach out. Ask for the help you need and most importantly, take it.

Wishing you strength and success!

**Dee74** · 09-30-2012, 03:36 PM

You haven't let anyone down Jake...anyone who knows, understands.
So that place wasn't a good fit for you...

Get back to NA. Look at what other alternatives you have.

This isn't the end, it's just the first hurdle. Pick yourself up

D

Sasha4 · 09-30-2012, 03:58 PM

They don't shoot their wounded Jake .....x

2granddaughters · 09-30-2012, 03:59 PM

I remember being in the recovery home in 1989. Heart pounding, knees weak and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.

I made the promise to myself and to God that I was going to stay at the home and if I died of a heart attack it would be on the floor of the group room and not the floor of a bar someplace.

You are going to have to surrender, Jake. Can you call them back and ask to be re-admitted?
If you are like me, and I believe you are, you need the rehab time to get you on the right track.

All the best.

Bob R

MIRecovery · 09-30-2012, 04:27 PM

Tried everything I could think of AA/NA was the only thing that worked

***Anna*** · 09-30-2012, 04:36 PM

Jake, I do hope you do not give up.

IndaMiricale · 09-30-2012, 04:41 PM

Relapse sucks , and most of us know it to well..

But recovery is so sweet, just dont quit on yourself. Get back to NA and re-introduce yourself..

***Hevyn*** · 09-30-2012, 05:01 PM

Jake, Everyone's right - don't be so hard on yourself. Obviously, you couldn't control what happened. They will all understand.

Give it another shot - it sounds like you're really ready to do this, and we know you can. That bad experience will become a dim memory as you reclaim your life and begin to heal.

NatalieN · 09-30-2012, 05:14 PM

Jake I am coming out of a relapse that lasted just a few days. I felt terrible and was mad and dissapointed at myself but fessing up here and to my recovery buddy took care of the the shame. If NA has helped you in the past, by all means return. The support of fellow sufferes is crucial, whether face to face or online.

The only thing you should feel shameful about is not trying again.

LaVallette · 10-01-2012, 05:54 AM

Hey Jake, old Japanese proverb:

Success is falling down 9 times, but getting up 10.

Keep at it mate. I'm an AA'er and was beginning to think of myself as a serial buster. But I kept coming back, and the folks kept welcoming me. It's the only thing has kept me sober for any length of time, and I'm surrounded by folks who know what I'm going through. There may be some who give you the cold shoulder, but the one's who had the same struggles you're currently having, they're the ones who'll really help you.

Cheers dude.

09-30-2012, 03:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
jakec Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Buffalo, NY Posts: 155 Blog Entries: 5	Ashamed.. It was my 3rd time going into a rehab, that was going to be it.. I was going to complete the program and my life would get better.. The place I was at was much different from the 1st rehab I went to, it was more hospital like.. hospitals freak me out, being around so many peers that I dont know freaks me out, I could tell I wasn't comfortable there from the moment I got there, but I told myself I would stick it out.. By the 3rd day there I completely lost it. Started having a really bad panic attack while I was around everyone, I tried to keep it unnoticed.. I just sat there and dug into recent cuts that I had on my arm with my finger nail, while my heart pounded and could barely breathe.. I ended up running back into my room and freaking out.. I'm not going to go into full detail about it, but they ended up sending me to the hospital and told me not to come back.. I can't believe I'm home already. I did DXM last night. I've been not talking to anyone because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened AGAIN. I feel like I've let my family down and people in NA down.. And I know the real shame is to not get back up and try again but I'm at the point where the fear of failure is hindering me from trying. I know I need to get to NA, suck it up and explain to everyone.. it just hurts. __________________ 17 years old.. never too early to get sober! Clean since 5-14-2013

09-30-2012, 03:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 65,579	You haven't let anyone down Jake...anyone who knows, understands. So that place wasn't a good fit for you... Get back to NA. Look at what other alternatives you have. This isn't the end, it's just the first hurdle. Pick yourself up D __________________

09-30-2012, 03:59 PM	#6 (permalink)
2granddaughters in my 24th year of sobriety Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get Posts: 4,394	I remember being in the recovery home in 1989. Heart pounding, knees weak and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I made the promise to myself and to God that I was going to stay at the home and if I died of a heart attack it would be on the floor of the group room and not the floor of a bar someplace. You are going to have to surrender, Jake. Can you call them back and ask to be re-admitted? If you are like me, and I believe you are, you need the rehab time to get you on the right track. All the best. Bob R __________________ . . .If you want to drink, that's your business ..... .If you want to quit, that's A.A.'s business. . . --- driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity. . . L.D. 1989

09-30-2012, 04:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
MIRecovery A Day at a Time Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Grand Rapids MI Posts: 1,563	Tried everything I could think of AA/NA was the only thing that worked __________________ I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I'm at peace with myself

09-30-2012, 04:36 PM	#8 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,831	Jake, I do hope you do not give up. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

09-30-2012, 03:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sapling AA Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Between Meetings Posts: 9,004	It's not easy Jake...But those people in NA have been there...They'll help you. They won't judge you.

09-30-2012, 03:30 PM	#3 (permalink)
IWillWin Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: My city of ruins... Posts: 319	Jake - I don't have any experience with NA but if it is anything like AA you will be welcome back with open arms and tons of support. Go. Reach out. Ask for the help you need and most importantly, take it. Wishing you strength and success!

09-30-2012, 03:58 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sasha4 Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: UK Posts: 1,390	They don't shoot their wounded Jake .....x

09-30-2012, 04:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
IndaMiricale Powerless over Alcohol Join Date: May 2011 Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny! Posts: 4,020	Relapse sucks , and most of us know it to well.. But recovery is so sweet, just dont quit on yourself. Get back to NA and re-introduce yourself.. __________________ "The only real thing in life are dreams, which nature cant touch with decay." Bob Dylan "Each day,somewhere in the world ,recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic , sharing experience,strength and hope."

09-30-2012, 05:01 PM	#10 (permalink)
*Hevyn* Learning to live again Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Upstate New York Posts: 11,133	Jake, Everyone's right - don't be so hard on yourself. Obviously, you couldn't control what happened. They will all understand. Give it another shot - it sounds like you're really ready to do this, and we know you can. That bad experience will become a dim memory as you reclaim your life and begin to heal. __________________ You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. - Fr. Gregory Boyle, Homeboy Industries Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson

09-30-2012, 05:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
NatalieN Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Florida US Posts: 292	Jake I am coming out of a relapse that lasted just a few days. I felt terrible and was mad and dissapointed at myself but fessing up here and to my recovery buddy took care of the the shame. If NA has helped you in the past, by all means return. The support of fellow sufferes is crucial, whether face to face or online. The only thing you should feel shameful about is not trying again. __________________ Sober from Feb 2005 to June 2011 and from May 2012 to September 2012. Gratefully sober now since October 1, 2012.

10-01-2012, 05:54 AM	#12 (permalink)
LaVallette No pity. No remorse. No fear Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 145	Hey Jake, old Japanese proverb: Success is falling down 9 times, but getting up 10. Keep at it mate. I'm an AA'er and was beginning to think of myself as a serial buster. But I kept coming back, and the folks kept welcoming me. It's the only thing has kept me sober for any length of time, and I'm surrounded by folks who know what I'm going through. There may be some who give you the cold shoulder, but the one's who had the same struggles you're currently having, they're the ones who'll really help you. Cheers dude. __________________ "We've all made mistakes, it's how we deal with the aftermath that matters." - Lorgar Aurelian, Primarch, XVII Legionies Astartes, Word Bearers.

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