Dry Drunk

[kmkluvr1]

Hello and first I would like to thank you for reading and any responses.

I am a F&F and I would like to ask a question here if i could, my A is my sons father we have been together on and off for going on 6 years. He has been sober 50 days the longest, since we have been together. I suggest AA meetings but he doesnt really respond or we plan to and we just get caught up in spending time as a family ( since he is sober, the quality time is nice now). I ask him how he feels and if he wants to talk, or anything. He never says much and I end talking to myself.

He has been drinking half his life that is 15 years and prob a few years more, of all of the reading I have done about addiction and alcoholism, it says there must something inside that hurts and you need to work on it. I talk to him about this and he says there is nothing. He just drank becuase he always has....? but then he says things like "if he goes around our Niece and Nephews, he might need to drink" ( they are kinda wild ) so he can handle being around them. Hi father was alcoholic, died at 40 something and his mother...... wasnt the best role model.

I have heard of about the "Dry Drunk", and I' am wondering if he needs more then just not drinking, or if does work out this way.


Whay are some ways that worked or helped when quiting drinking? Are meetings and programs essantial? I am just loving this that he is not drinking and I am worried that just not drinking isnt enough and if he needs to work on himself.

thank you

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by kmkluvr1

What are some ways that worked or helped when quiting drinking? Are meetings and programs essantial?

Hey kmkluvr1....I know they were for me. Just removing the alcohol wasn't enough for me.....I had to get down to causes and conditions....This involved working the steps of AA and becoming a part of the program...Meetings...Service, etc. I can tell you one thing I've learned in AA, it's not a program for people that need it....It's a program for people that want it.....Until he wants to give it his all...I wouldn't think his chances will be very good. Hope that helps.

[Sobersunshine]

Yes I've heard that term dry drunk, and I think it applied to me the past times I've tried to quit... I didn't do an internal work or grow or change as a person in any way. I just stopped drinking, and for me that was not enough. Now I'm in AA, just two weeks sober but I feel so much better about my chances of success this time.
Honestly, the first time I went I didn't exactly want to be there either, but no one was pushing me to go either (well my doctor was). Now I WANT to be there. You can go and just listen too, that is totally acceptable. Maybe that might help if he know he doesn't have to do anything but sit and listen. It might open up his eyes a bit to hear other alcoholics' stories.

[Anna]

I don't like the term 'dry drunk' because I don't think it expresses what is going on. And, yes, I needed so much more than stopping drinking. I needed to change myself from the inside out. I needed to reconnect spiritually and to find a purpose in my life. That's what recovery is about.

[hypochondriac]

It sounds like he still thinks drinking is a valid coping strategy which is a bit worrying. Maybe suggest him reading something like Allen Carr's Easyway to stop drinking or look at something like AVRT.

I don't think meetings are essential for everyone but recovered/recovering alcoholics rarely joke about needing a drink. Is he making a joke when he says this or being serious? Either way it's a bit worrying x

[tomsteve]

very good question and i am glad to see ya wanting to help. however, it is hard to help someone if ya havent been in their shoes. i wouldnt listen to anyone when i was drinking. when i got around people in AA, people who had been where i was and knew how my thinking was, which was astounding to me that there were actually others who had thought just like me, i was no longer alone and had people i could really relate to and who could relate to me.
whether he needs more than not drinking is up to him, but as sapling said, he has to want it.
meetings and programs arent necessarily essential, but i know that i wanted and had to have someone elses thinking. after all, it was my thinking that go me where i was when i got into AA and it wasnt gonna help me get weller.

[DAB]

I was a dry drunk every other time I tried to quit.
The only thing that helped me was AA
It not only gives you support to stay sober, it gives you the tools to move forward as a person.

[kmkluvr1]

thank you all , i have told him that there are people there that understand what he is going through and that he can relate to. i guess one step at a time, and not drinking is the first step then hopefully AA when he is ready.

[YVRguy]

As others have said , its more than just stopping drinking involved.

One aspect always over looked is the whole damage drinking does to the body. The physiological changes alcohol makes can take years to recover and some never do. Many alcoholics suffer from hypoglycaemia or diabetes due to the havoc alcohol has done on the whole pancreas and insulin system.

For sure AA or a program will help with a lot of the issues on getting stopped and what happens next. What it won't do is help speed the healing of the body ( and therefore the mind as the brain is part of the body ). Few people actively drinking eat properly or absorb the actual nutrient when they do eat.

I know for me I need AA but I also need to replenish my body from the wreckage alcohol did to every cell in my body too.

[bbthumper]

My belief and what I've learned in AA is that as an alcoholic, alcohol was not my problem. My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list. The best treatment I knew of for that problem was alcohol. Take away alcohol and I'm still left with all of those problems and no way to treat it. The drinking is a symptom of alcoholism not the main problem.
That being said, take away the alcohol from an alcoholic and you just have an untreated alcoholic. Still restless, irritable, discontent etc. This is what's known as a dry drunk. We need to treat the real problem. The only solution I know is the 12 steps of AA.
I've been recovered from alcoholism for 4 years now thanks to the steps and lovin life.
Unfortunately, the program can't be forced on anyone. Maybe he would be willing to read the Big Book of AA. You can find it online. If he relates maybe he'd be interested in attending AA.
Best wishes.

[freshstart57]

There are differing opinions on this 'dry drunk' stuff. The term is used in an AA context, where alcoholism is only a symptom of deeper underlying issues whose resolutions require a closer relationship with a Spiritual Power.

Other recovery models say that alcohol addiction is caused by long term exposure to alcohol resulting in physical, mental and emotional dependency. Just like other harmful behaviors like addictions to illicit drugs, to tobacco, self-harm and so forth, the bad effects of these behaviors stop when the behavior stops.

As with any other recovery model, AA is not required for sobriety, nor is it adequate for sobriety either. There are evidence based, group based and faith based options for assistance in quitting alcohol. For a full picture of the options available, look for more information about alcoholism, and this information from the National Institute of Health is a good place to start.

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by bbthumper

My belief and what I've learned in AA is that as an alcoholic, alcohol was not my problem. My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list.

That's it, right there...

Is he any of those?

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by kmkluvr1

thank you all , i have told him that there are people there that understand what he is going through and that he can relate to. i guess one step at a time, and not drinking is the first step then hopefully AA when he is ready.

Why don't you give him this site?...Maybe he'd like to come on here and look around....It can't hurt. I hope things work out for you.

[SoberForMySon]

Great idea

[freshstart57]

When "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list. The best treatment I knew of for that problem was alcohol. Take away alcohol and I'm still left with all of those problems and no way to treat it.

There are lots of people who have those feelings who don't drink and never have touched a drop in their lives. Everyone shares these feelings at some point in their lives, maybe even daily. There are ways in which non drinkers deal with these problems and they work for drinkers just fine too. Gratitude, service to others, mastery, hobbies, music, meditation, yoga, swimming, cycling, hiking, there is a big list. Sometimes a professional's help is needed, and talking with a trained therapist or a clergyman can be invaluable.

Lots of options are available, but they will only work if the drinking stops. Lose the booze, and life gets so much simpler. As you said, kmkluvr, quitting drinking is the first step.

[bbthumper]

Originally Posted by freshstart57

There are lots of people who have those feelings who don't drink and never have touched a drop in their lives. Everyone shares these feelings at some point in their lives, maybe even daily. There are ways in which non drinkers deal with these problems and they work for drinkers just fine too. Gratitude, service to others, mastery, hobbies, music, meditation, yoga, swimming, cycling, hiking, there is a big list. Sometimes a professional's help is needed, and talking with a trained therapist or a clergyman can be invaluable.

Lots of options are available, but they will only work if the drinking stops. Lose the booze, and life gets so much simpler. As you said, kmkluvr, quitting drinking is the first step.

Indeed most people do experience these feelings. What makes me and many other alcoholics like me different from most people is a mental obsession with and physical allergy to alcohol.
Outside sources never worked for me. For me, it had to be an inside job. Simply my experience.

[kmkluvr1]

Thank you all for your advice. He says he does feel those feelings when he is not drinking, that bbthumper metioned. I understand some, but not completely...how alcohol can make you feel better. We dont have a computer at home, I just get on here at work. He was almost to his 90 mark and then drank....I give up.

[SDSurfn]

Originally Posted by bbthumper

My problem was the fact that when "dry" I was restless, irritable and discontent. You can also add bored, anxious, depressed and fearful to that list.

Not to hijack the thread, but, yes, you just described me to a T.


It's already been said, but maybe encourage him to look around this website.

There are all types of recovery options discussed here.

[escapist]

Don't drive yourself crazy worrying about how he is handling his baggage. He sounds like he is trying to change. Everyone is different about dealing with emotional problems. Some people can cry, some can't. You are right to want the best for him and he is lucky to have someone who loves him.

[ru12]

I don't do AA, and find the term "dry drunk" condescending and offensive. Nothing could get better until I stopped drinking. After I was sober for a while, I could take a long hard look at my life and make changes that I saw fit. Been sober almost two years now . . . seems to work for me.