Trust Issues due to LYING!

[773niki]

Hi guys,

I'm just over 30 days sober. Getting sober and staying sober has been an ongoing battle for about 2 years now. I went to rehab in Aug. 2010 for 30 days. It was the second time I tried to treat my disease (but the first time was through outpatient - this was in patient). I was living out of state, moved back to my home town and almost immediately, started dating someone who had also gotten sober. I had 4 months under my belt and he had 6 months under his.

Eventually, we moved in together. He's stayed sober the whole time. I, on the other hand, have cheated, many times. Every time I fell off the wagon, I'd get away with it for a short period of time but eventually he'd find out. And since he'd find out when I was drinking, I would lie about it and he hated that part. He was able to handle my mess ups, but hated that I would lie to his face when I was clearly drunk. This, over the past 2 years, has created LOTS of trust issues. I have never lied to him about anything else, and I never lied sober, but the amount of times I've messed up with "trying to drink again" has been numerous. Like, every month for the first year. This last year has been better - 4 months on/binge/get caught/another 4 months on, repeat cycle.

Anyway, I'm really serious now and I'm really hoping this is it for me. I'm actively involved and want my recovery to work this time. I'm in a different, new place. But, he doesn't trust me farther than he can throw me. He got a breathalizer test for at home!

I get it. I messed up lots before. But, every time we get into any sort of argument, he'll bring this up. HE'll say he can't trust me, that's why he's not "nice" today, or that's why he's not as affectionate, or that's why he's quiet...it's like, I don't know if it's just been too much and it can never work or what...and I've tried to talk to him, believe me, but it doesn't work.

I tried so many avenues. I can't be blamed forever. I know I deserve the lack of trust - but I want to move forward. Any advice?

[Sapling]

What are you doing different than you have been doing...He probably has heard enough and wants to see some action.

[hypochondriac]

You're getting sober for you right, not him? It shouldn't really matter if he trusts you or not because you know you're not going to drink anymore. But he has no way of knowing that and will have to see it to believe it. I'm sure the trust will come back in time. This isn't a problem I have personal experience with though, but I do remember the big book had some good stuff on this... x

[Dee74]

I have a friend here who's a FFer - she always said 'the addict in my life doesn't get to set the timetable for my recovery'

It can take time for wounds to heal...we have no control over that Niki.

What's a eternity to us might be a few weeks for our loved ones...all we can do is keep doing the right thing...if people are fair to us, they'll see that change, and who knows? it may help them to decide about trusting us again....

I hope it's not too long for you

D

[YVRguy]

I think a lot of us lied to a lot of people and mostly to the ones closest to us and really ourselves till Step 1 or your own way of recognizing you are an alcoholic. Seems no matter the path be it AA or AVRT etc the bottom line is being honest is the requirement to move forward.

I had to start with being honest with myself. That can be a tough one and I don't expect trust from others till I have walked the walk and live as an honest person to myself and to others. Tough slogging but its the only way I can see to get some peace.

Best of luck