Not sure how to be happy!

[sglife]

I am a 43 yr old wife of 15 yrs to a fuctioning AH with a son who is 12.

My husband and I use to be social drinkers, only drinking at gatherings such as friends or having friends over. A year after our son was born my husband's father died (he was an alcoholic) and more devasting than that my husband mother was killed in a car wreck 3 weeks later. This sent him into a progression of drinking everyday. Over the last 11 yrs. I have hinted to him to slow down and even demand that he do it when he lost his job and large income since we could no longer support his habit. We, over the last year, have really started to grow apart. The friends (drinking buddies) that he has seem to be more forfilling than his family and do not respect me or our marriage. He recently took a job with one of his friends and has start to lie about where he is and what he is doing. This is what has brought all this upfront to face. I did like most and blew up told him to leave and then the next morning had the talk. He said he didn't won't to lose his family and said he would try to stop drinking. This was on a Wed. morning, by Sat. he came to me and said we needed to talk...only to say that if he wanted to drink a beer he was going to drink a beer. He called me on Wed. to tell me he was going over to a friends after work and then on Thurs. I asked him to take our son to his football practice to watch him hoping he would get involved, only to find out that he sat in the parking lot drinking beer.

Everything says to worry about making me and my son happy...I just don't know what that would be! My son and I love him so much and losing him would not make us happy, but living with the way things are and knowing that as the years go on it will get worst is not going to make us happy...

What to do?????? TEARS LOTS OF TEARS

[ru12]

Hi sg!

Sorry that you have had to find a site like this, but I'm glad that you are reaching out for advice. There is a friends and family section here that will give you some answers from people in your position. As someone who had a drinking problem and stopped a ways back, I can tell you that is was very difficult to do at first. It took me deciding not to drink to make it work. I'm not in AA, but that might be something your husband could look into. I found that the AVRT method from Rational Recovery and SMART Recovery were a better fit for me.

Some people can just stop drinking if there is sufficient need. Some just don't seem to be able to do it without a structured program. Others never really stop . . . and that is very difficult path to walk indeed.

If your husband is actively drinking, you need to keep your son out of his car.

I wish you the best and just want to let you know that some people do get better and live fairly normal lives. I don't much think about alcohol unless I'm here on this site. And I'm here because so many people were so kind to me when I started this and I just want to pay it back a bit.

[least]

he sat in the parking lot drinking beer.

That's a big red flag to me, it means he drove after drinking with your son in the car and that's a no-no, a big no-no.

Whatever you have to do to ensure you and your son's safety and sanity, do it and get support for yourself. I'm sorry your life is so unpleasant right now and I hope it will get better.

Welcome to the site!

[2granddaughters]

Originally Posted by sglife

I am a 43 yr old wife of 15 yrs to a fuctioning AH with a son who is 12.

My husband and I use to be social drinkers, only drinking at gatherings such as friends or having friends over. A year after our son was born my husband's father died (he was an alcoholic) and more devasting than that my husband mother was killed in a car wreck 3 weeks later. This sent him into a progression of drinking everyday. Over the last 11 yrs. I have hinted to him to slow down and even demand that he do it when he lost his job and large income since we could no longer support his habit. We, over the last year, have really started to grow apart. The friends (drinking buddies) that he has seem to be more forfilling than his family and do not respect me or our marriage. He recently took a job with one of his friends and has start to lie about where he is and what he is doing. This is what has brought all this upfront to face. I did like most and blew up told him to leave and then the next morning had the talk. He said he didn't won't to lose his family and said he would try to stop drinking. This was on a Wed. morning, by Sat. he came to me and said we needed to talk...only to say that if he wanted to drink a beer he was going to drink a beer. He called me on Wed. to tell me he was going over to a friends after work and then on Thurs. I asked him to take our son to his football practice to watch him hoping he would get involved, only to find out that he sat in the parking lot drinking beer.

Everything says to worry about making me and my son happy...I just don't know what that would be! My son and I love him so much and losing him would not make us happy, but living with the way things are and knowing that as the years go on it will get worst is not going to make us happy...

What to do?????? TEARS LOTS OF TEARS

Are you still drinking "socially" ??

You husband has some issues to deal with and A.A. could really help him with that but he has to be willing to do it.

Al-Anon would help you immensely. Georgia Al-Anon/Alateen Meetings

All the best.

Bob R

[IndaMiricale]

Welcome aboard

I know I drank socially for decades... Whenever someone said I will have one , I said So Shall I

You found a great place for support..

[least]

I would suggest posting your situation in the friends and familes forum for input from those in similar situations.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

[Dee74]

Hi sglife

I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you've found us....
you'll find a lot of encouragement and support here.

I'd also recommend you follow the link least posted - many of us have experience living with loved ones who drink alcoholically - you'll find more support there too

Welcome to SR!

D

[Anna]

I hope you can find some peace in your life.

Welcome!

[ZiggyB]

Hi,
I am sorry for your pain and the situation you are in. You might also want to try posting under the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" Section.

I second the recommendation for Al-anon. They have a slogan: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it".

Unfortunately you cannot control someone else's drinking or make it stop. The only thing you can do is control your response to it. I have never been married to an alcoholic but I ended a relationship with a boyfriend about 2 months ago. He was drinking all day and when I tried to talk to him, he would say: "You need to shut up about it." The day we broke up he became verbally abusive and then went on a 2 day bender with one of his drinking buddies.

You would think if someone really loved you, they would stop the behavior but it doesn't work that way. The addiction has control over their thinking. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find some serenity.

-z

[sglife]

Thank you all for your support...as you can see I am up on my computer reading and posting in the wee hours of the nite (morning). My husband came into the house with a beer in hand returning from a dove shoot that he attended with my son. I've been up since 1:00 a.m. going through my head on what my next step MUST be. 12 beers in 4.5 hrs. is not ok and certainly not w/ my son! Thanks again for listening...

[sglife]

To answer the question "Are you still drinking socially ?" No, I haven't drank socially in a very long time. I thought maybe if I didn't he wouldn't. I was WRONG!