saw an old picture of myself today

[bexxed]

...it's about 16 years old. I remember the day it was taken. When one bottle of beer gave me a really good buzz, and two got me drunk. I didn't like to drink so much back then. I took it or left it. I thought being wasted was kind of bad form, for me anyway. I did lots of things, like play music, sew, draw, write poetry, go for long walks, visit friends, laugh, read...

Of course, I was nineteen, and some of that could be chalked up to youth. Really?

Today's the third day since I passed out wondering for the umpteen thousandth time why I started drinking that day when I had told myself I wouldn't. I felt a little weird yesterday but it wasn't anything close to what I think withdrawl really is. I'm depressed, but that's something else in my life. Observing this today, I smiled, and enjoyed how good I felt (feel). I thought "Wow, I feel normal. I got out of it. This is awesome." Then I thought "I should get some beer. That would be great".

Gotta look at that picture over and over. I remember getting the idea for a project, or the urge to do something fun when I thought about how great I felt. How the hell did "do something fun" turn into "pick up a six pack"?

It doesn't make any sense. I know it makes sense to you though. That's why I'm telling you.

That nineteen year old girl existed pre-internet. (well, it existed, but it wasn't anything like it is now.) But I bet she'd think blogs were really cool. Think I'm going to start one tonight. I owe it to her, to be that cool and creative person.

xoxo

[Dee74]

I re-discovered the person I used to be - a person I'd forgotten.
I know you can too Bexxed

D

[Hevyn]

Really enjoyed your post, bexxed. I definitely relate. I still don't know when or why I decided fun had to involve getting wasted. I remained frozen in time for years, never growing or changing.

I'm glad you're looking at what alcohol is doing to your life. This is a great place to discuss these things - you're never alone. Keep talking to us.