Binge guilt/anxiety

[RidingHood]

Hi everyone I am new here ...obviously. I have been a binge drinker for several years 2-3 x's a week I have blacked out and woke up only remembering some details and often if what I said or did was real sometimes I found what I thought or said wasn't real but it felt so real when I woke up and sadly some times it was actually real. After binge drinking I would pass out and wake up a million times a night guzzling water from thirst, soooo tired but unable to go back to sleep because I would have such guilt and anxiety trying to figure out if I indeed may have said stupid or inappropriate things on facebook or whatever because of being intoxicated. The anxiety attacks would leave me shaking sweating feeling like I was gonna have a nervous break down all because of the blacking out. I don't go out anywhere this is at home but still I cringe of the thought of what I said or did to offend someone. Today is day 4 of me not drinking which isn't a big deal, I can go 4 days but I have never tried to quit completely I have rationlized a hundred times saying I would slow down but that obviously never happened lol Yesterday I was cleaning the house actually scrubbing walls and junk I feel good I feel rested I still have anxiety when I even think of my stupid drinking behavior, will this go away? I mean I am trying so why do I feel bad and good at the same time? I am excited by changing my ways I think I may go to Celebrate Recovery at the church I am embarassed to tell my church folks about this because I always have a happy face at church because actually when im there I am happy! Some how I will think they will be quite surprised that I am not the happy go lucky person all the time like they thought. I truly am feeling good about wanting to change and feel free maybe letting it out there will make me feel more accountable and more inclined to make an effort but also I feel like I have been living a lie and I am humiliated at the same time. Does anyone have any insight/advice/simularities to help me I appreciate this site and the people I am glad I found you

[soberbrooke]

I can relate! I found sobriety through AA. I have searched for God my whole life, and found Him-Her in AA. It was the most amazing feeling to finally "get it". My whole life changed for the better, and now I have 8 months.

[RevivingOphelia]

I was a 2 to 3 day a week binger, too.

Waking up w/o the feeling of anxiety and not remembering is so worth it.

Best to you.

[Grace2]

HI

I'm on day four. I have been a secret 3/4 day wine binger. This is my second time for joining S.R and I am planning on it being my last. After the humiliation of being caught again by my other half on Saturday night I know I don't want to feel this way any more. The horrible guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach, sweating, big red face, worrying about being caught, thinking of different ways to bring wine in and dispose of the empty bottles. I became quite an expert at that, believe me.

I have had black outs, woke up several times a night, panicking, trying to remember if I made a show of myself, sent any silly text messages or put anything stupid on F.B.

I've realised, that a bottle of wine is just not worth this awful anxiety. It doesn't make me feel good, it doesn't make me look good. What is nice about a drunken woman, a mature woman at that?

Yesterday, I spent the whole day scrubbing my kitchen cupboards and walls. Must be something in the air. Yesterday I felt dreadful, sad, upset, fearful. Today I feel slightly better.

I am going to do this, my family is worth more than this and so am I.

You can and will do it too.

Lots of love and big hugs.

Gxxx

[Mizzuno]

My drinking career was filled with guilt/shame and humiliation. I believe that is part of it. So many times i would question what I said and did the next day. The guilt was and always has been a drive for me to stop drinking. I was fully aware that I had a problem and that i needed to quit. After many go rounds I was finally able to stop.
Beating yourself up over what has happened will only make things worse (easier said than done). Today is a new day and its a fresh start. Walk into this day with resolve. You are human. We all make mistakes. You are laying the foundation for a new you....the real you. Please keep posting. Your church family does not have to know of your struggle. Its your business. Share here with us. Keep your head up. The anxiety will start to leave once you get some solid ground under you.

[blueshades]

Welcome to SR, RidingHood!

I think Day Four is a big deal. Once you get past the early cravings it becomes easier and easier to withstand the physical dependence that we have developed for drink. Stick with this, as it will only keep getting better.

My story is not all that different than yours. I could go days without taking a drink, but when I did drink it was all too often to excess. One of the main reasons I decided to quit was the guilt associated from hiding my habit from people. The anxiety associated with not knowing exactly what I said or did during my binge became too great. In the end, I decided that these anxieties were simply not worth the price of a temporary high and escape from reality.

Today marks four weeks of sobriety for me. I've been surprised at how much insight I've been able to gain into my drinking issues, not to mention some other personal matters, during that short time. I have not decided to follow a particular program yet, but I've been reading and sharing here on SR daily since I quit and am looking into other self-care avenues such as meditation to alleviate stress.

I hope you'll stick with your plan to stop drinking. You'll gain a lot from it, and you may be surprised at how quickly those anxieties associated with hiding your habit will melt away. As for your friends, church associates, etc., it's entirely up to you who you "let in" on your struggles with drinking. I have decided to keep that away from work associates and others who are not legitimately considered "friends." It's okay to be mindful about who you share this with. So long as you're not binging all by your lonesome, you're not living a lie. That anxiety and guilt will start to improve as you begin living a more centered life.

Stick with us here on SR. I wish you all the best.