Any advice? I'm loosing my mind... no longer scared of relapsing? Already relapsed?

[heremeroarrar]

I went to Rxhab on March, 13 this year (for pills [opiates] and heroin, and benzos), things were going to really change for the better! I was sooo soooo happy in that facility, with all the new people I had met, change of scenery, people, places, things! Just everything! After a month, I got back home.....

I lost my job, I WAS ILLEGALY FIRED! Still havent taken action regarding that matter.
I had to sale my car for a misley $250...
I had to sale my iPad...
My family was their for me, at first... now everything, I would say is worse than before, I decided to go to rehab on my own...
I have gotten drunk probably 5 times, one of them... worse one ever!! Blacked out, all I know is that I RUINED, I mean TORE UP! Some families kid's room... did a lot more EMBERRASING things...

I dont know if this is considered a relapse or not... (PRETTY SURE ITS A YES)
Took half a morphine I found one day just cleaning, 54 days into my sobrieghty...
Stole some guy's codeine pills, two one time, around 30 days after the morphine...
The other time, about two weeks ago...
Found half a vicodin in between that period of doing that with the codeins...
Last time, was probably two weeks ago, lied to my step mom, knew just what to say to get her to give me 2 norcos... pretty sure everyone caught on to that one, dont think anyone gave a crap...

Anyhow, sorry for this post! Main reason why I am on here, is because I think I really am psychologically planning on a real relapse this time...
Been planning it for weeks... My 21st b'day is coming up, I am not a good drinker... I am SO SICK of feeling feelings, worries, love and care for everyone else around me who does not give a **** about me! Life for me so far seems to be worse now that I am sober!! At least when I was high all the time, I was happy, had a job, had my car, my sh*t together!!

I used to be so afraid of relapse... even thinking about taking ANYTHING would destroy my nerves! Now I dont care, I have given up on the fight... If I wouldnt have deleted all my "hook ups" the day I left rehab, I would absolutely be back to square one IN A HEART BEAT!!

Is ti ok for me to be planning this? Should I be concerned, I dont care about myself, I dont care what others feel about me, because no one really cares! Am sick of feeling, and being alone... if I had money right now, I would be high somehow!!

[awuh1]

If you want things to change you’re going to need to stop ALL the alcohol and pills. Then there is going to be a major adjustment period while things sort themselves out. Picking up will just delay and complicate the whole process. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. That’s just how it is in the beginning. It does not mean the emotional roller coaster will never end, but it will take some time. Chemical mood management will just keep that merry-go- round turning. Go to some AA and NA meetings. Every day if you can.

Sounds like you have a bad case of the “F*ck its”. Last time I had them things went to hell fast. Hope you can find some support at the meetings. Best wishes.

[instant]

It's sounds like you have been struggling. You have been using - what you call it is up to you. Sounds like you are planning to use some more.

Do you have a plan for support and getting and staying clean?

Relationships, work and social life is not likely to get better with ongoing drug use

Hang in there and do what is right rather than what you feel like

[2granddaughters]

Are you attending NA and AA meetings?

What did the Rehab facility say to do when you were released?

You aren't posting what you were doing as a recovery plan after rehab ......

I suggest you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous".

All the best.

Bob R

[Amnesiac]

Personally, I can't drink and keep a job. I proved that with the last one after I drank a week straight and kaput. I can't drink at all without waking up five days later now without remembering one moment of those five days. 1 is too many for me and 99 isn't enough.

Maybe it's different with opiates (or maybe my drinking is simply that disabling, unlike my other friends that are "functional" drunks) - maybe you can do opiates and they aren't as debilitating as the firewater.

I can relate to "planning" for an upcoming birthday, holiday, or event that I basically KNOW I am going to get hammered. Been there, done that, far too many times now at age 32. Also, I am such a newb here I won't profess to say I know to do this or do that and I'm not even a week removed from Detox, but I'm sure plenty of others here will post.

Regards

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by heremeroarrar

Anyhow, sorry for this post! Main reason why I am on here, is because I think I really am psychologically planning on a real relapse this time...
Been planning it for weeks... My 21st b'day is coming up, I am not a good drinker... I am SO SICK of feeling feelings, worries, love and care for everyone else around me who does not give a **** about me! Life for me so far seems to be worse now that I am sober!! At least when I was high all the time, I was happy, had a job, had my car, my sh*t together!!

From what you wrote, you were getting drunk and high almost straight out of rehab. I'd say it's safe to say you've discovered that drying out (ie, not using for a period of time) isn't the answer to your problem.

In AA and NA we differentiate being dry from being sober. Using the definitions those programs describe, you've done the dry deal but you haven't tried sober yet. That's good news though........because you still have that option - to get sober for real.

I get that you WANT to get loaded.......or high.....or take this or that.....but hasn't YOUR own experience proven that this line of action hasn't worked? Feeling better temporarily sounds good but really.......you and I both know it doesn't last and then we start out all over again a little deeper in the hole. If it worked so well, why'd you go to rehab, yanno?

You may be like me....the type of alcoholic who needs to not only stop drugging and drinking but who reeeally needs more than just "not using" to really enjoy life. It sounds like AA and/or NA would do you a world of good.

[Amnesiac]

Originally Posted by DayTrader

From what you wrote, you were getting drunk and high almost straight out of rehab. I'd say it's safe to say you've discovered that drying out (ie, not using for a period of time) isn't the answer to your problem.

In AA and NA we differentiate being dry from being sober. Using the definitions those programs describe, you've done the dry deal but you haven't tried sober yet. That's good news though........because you still have that option - to get sober for real.

I get that you WANT to get loaded.......or high.....or take this or that.....but hasn't YOUR own experience proven that this line of action hasn't worked? Feeling better temporarily sounds good but really.......you and I both know it doesn't last and then we start out all over again a little deeper in the hole. If it worked so well, why'd you go to rehab, yanno?

You may be like me....the type of alcoholic who needs to not only stop drugging and drinking but who reeeally needs more than just "not using" to really enjoy life. It sounds like AA and/or NA would do you a world of good.

The first I've heard of this, I think.

Does the dry v. sober thing come down to your continued engagement with fellow drunks/users/resources in addition to being dry?

[jennikate]

I would say that that is part of it. You need to change everything in your life. But I would also say that the OP is referring to working the steps. In other words, learning to do something else besides using to cope with life. Everyone has **** in their lives at one time or another. Job sucks, relationship woes, money troubles-we all have 'em. But most people do not run right to a mind altering substance to deal with them.
I guess for me, it's important to figure out what those other people do to deal with life on life's terms. Alcohol never makes a problem better that I have seen.
Also, you talk a lot about people who don't give a s**** about you but you don't sound like you care too much about yourself. IMHO, when others see you (in action not words) caring about yourself and your life, they will follow suit. Until then, you cannot expect anyone to invest in you.

[DayTrader]

Originally Posted by Amnesiac

The first I've heard of this, I think.

Does the dry v. sober thing come down to your continued engagement with fellow drunks/users/resources in addition to being dry?

Engaging with others may well be a part of it, but that's far from just "what it comes down to."

It's more of a healthy/recovered thing. For example, I could weigh 500 pounds and eat McDonalds all day everyday. One day, I stop eating burger, shakes and fries. I've stopped eating the food that was killing me.....but I'm not in good health yet.

[FredG]

You say that you don't care - yet you post here, looking for help. You say no one out here cares - yet lots have posted on this thread to try and help you.

Is it wrong to plan a relapse. You tell us. I think you already know the answer.

We certainly can't prevent you from drinking and using, only you can do that. We can help you, but you need to make the decision and do the work. Lots of individuals in my life gave up on me when I was drinking and didn't seem to care about my down-hill trend. Turned out that when I decided to do something about myself and showed that I was serious about it, most of them came back. Turned out that they couldn't stand around and helplessly watch me destroy myself.

You want to drink and use, that's your business. You want help to stop and stay that way ... we can help

[onlythetruth]

Originally Posted by heremeroarrar

Is ti ok for me to be planning this? Should I be concerned, I dont care about myself, I dont care what others feel about me, because no one really cares! Am sick of feeling, and being alone... if I had money right now, I would be high somehow!!

No, it's not okay for you to be planning this, and yes you should be concerned.

I have to say, though, that your reaching out here means that you DO care about yourself, and you know that others care about you too. So that's not what this is about.

My guess is what this is about is exactly what you wrote, that you're sick of feeling. You're used to using drugs to keep yourself from feeling, so you'd like to think that drugs are the answer. Of course, they are not. Drugs are the problem.

So actually the answer is to do what you know to do: don't use, don't drink, and use the recovery tools you were taught in rehab.

[Anna]

It doesn't sound like you've given yourself a chance to see what life is like when you're clean and sober. It sounds like you've been using something since you got out of rehab. I think you do care and I hope, before you give up, you focus on staying clean and sober and working on changing your life.

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by heremeroarrar

I used to be so afraid of relapse... even thinking about taking ANYTHING would destroy my nerves! Now I dont care, I have given up on the fight... If I wouldnt have deleted all my "hook ups" the day I left rehab, I would absolutely be back to square one IN A HEART BEAT!!

Is ti ok for me to be planning this? Should I be concerned, I dont care about myself, I dont care what others feel about me, because no one really cares! Am sick of feeling, and being alone... if I had money right now, I would be high somehow!!

Yeah, you're being heard loud n clear. We've all had the experience, in our own ways, of not caring enough for ourselves too at certain times.

Like others here, I can see you still care about you getting yourself clean n sober. Awesome. Yeah, be concerned. We care about you too, okay. Sorry you're having a tough time right now. Still though, you can get it back together, and begin again.

[TTBABP]

As others have said - even though the people here - myself included - do not know you personally - they and I care. You are a person and I believe that all people have great potential and deserve care and concern. I cannot give you any great practical advise just yet because I have not won my battle but I will promise to think of you and send good thoughts your way.

[Intheblackhole]

Your emotions are running haywire and that's to be expected with on and off again drug use.. Sounds like when you was in rehab it felt "safe" and you might not have gotten the full idea of recovery. I see you began using almost immediately, even though it was half a pill here and there it's a relapse! Your so young to give up. Take it from somebody who was told at 23 her liver was failing her from drinking. I've had my battles with everything and at 26, my health and skin is that of someone much older. YOU have to make the decision that YOU want this for yourself! I see a little bit of myself in you, at 20 I too planned my binge drinking 21st, but if your really wanting to commit to being sober you have to give that thought up. Tell yourself that your better then this! I might be off based here but, you lost your job, car, iPad etc after rehab, don't you see that drugs put you in rehab and if it wouldnt have happened things might be different? Sometimes it's easier to point fingers then to really look at ourselves. Don't give your life to the beast just bc things are hard. I'm here to tell you that life is hard, You have to find a healthy way to manage those times. And if your health is knocked down bc of drugs/alcohol it will make it that much harder to deal with those times. Find a sponsor, join some meetings and take care of yourself. YOU and only YOU control your life and what you do with it! May God be with you and good luck!

[sugarbear1]

Try staying sober and seeing things sanely. My guess is your being fired was more legal than you think. The real issue is your constant relapsing...taking pills for getting a buzz as opposed to taking a prescribed medication for a specific reason. I'd be worried about a full blown relapse, too.

Find a program and work it like your life depends upon it as it really does.

I wish you well,

[totfit]

Sounds like you are in a real relapse. There is no planning to it. On the other side of the coin one needs to be in recovery first to have a relapse. Sounds like you just had a break from using. Really might look at what you wrote and get serious with yourself and what you want.