day 1... again

[ca3726]

Hi everyone
I am starting over today. Last week I was sober for 6 days. That doesn't sound like much, but for me it was. I was feeling great, and gaining confidence that I could stay sober. Then last Friday we found our that my grandfather has an inoperable brain tumor and only has 1-2 months to live. It came out of the blue and I didn't know how to handle it. So I used it as an excuse to drink. I spent the entire weekend in the hospital with my family trying to pretend I wasn't drinking. No one in my family knows that I have a problem. Anyway, I told myself that when I got back home on Sunday I would stop. That didn't happen. So I'm posting this because I am ready to do WHATEVER it takes to make this work. I will not let alcohol beat me. I am damaging my body and mymind and its time to stop.
I am going to read up on avrt and start looking for AA meetings. I have decided that I want sobriety more than anything. The next few months will be hard enough without having to worry about being drunk. I will not let my grandfathers death be an excuse to continue living like this. He deserves a better legacy than that. And I want to be fully present during this time. Thank you all for letting me vent. Your support means everything to me.

[mecanix]

I will not let my grandfathers death be an excuse to continue living like this.

Hi ca3726,
it was my grandmas death and my using it as an excuse to get drunk for 3 days which showed me how self involved and up my own adiction i was.
I think it's brilliant you are doing this,
Bestwishes, M

[MrsKing]

I'm like you and mecanix... I used the death of someone very close to me as an excuse to drink, too, and it totally opened my eyes. I look at it now like that person saved my life.

I have decided that I want sobriety more than anything.

If you've got that, then you've got the key ingredient to lasting sobriety. I tried to quit many times, but it was only when I wanted to be sober forever more than I wanted to be drunk forever that I did it. You say you're going to read up on AVRT - I started practising it in my second month of sobriety and I honestly found it revolutionary. I hope you find success with it, too. AA seems to help many, many people also. It can't harm to have as many things as you possibly can in place to help you through this difficult time.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I hope over the next couple of months you, him and your family come to terms with this and are at peace. Like you said - he and everyone else need you sober right now. YOU need to be sober right now.

Keep wanting it more than anything else. You can do this.

[ca3726]

Thank you both for your support and kind words. I have been thinking about my own health a lot lately and what it would do to my family if something happened to me. It is time to stop killing myself slowly.

[bbthumper]

Where you are at is not a fun place to be in, but it sounds like exactly where you need to be. Sounds like alcohol has beaten you into a state of reasonableness. I sobered up in AA 4 years ago and havent had the desire to drink since then. Most people who go into AA with the attitude of being willing to do WHATEVER it takes, as you mentioned, find new and happy lives through the program. Looking for meetings is a good start. You can also read Alcoholics Anonymous, more commonly referred to as The Big Book, online. I think AA.org has it in PDF format. If you can relate to much of what is in the beginning pages of that book, chances are AA is a good fit for ya.

Wish you the best!

[Dee74]

welcome back ca

D

[SheWanders]

Oh CA, I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. My mother died of a brain tumor (glioblastoma) 5 years ago. Man did I use that as an excuse to drink or what! I am proud of you for realizing that it's an excuse. You are dealing with two VERY difficult situations: your grandfather's illness and the loss of your go-to coping mechanism. Be kind to yourself.

(((hug)))

[Hevyn]

Hi ca. That is very sad news you're coping with. I understand you falling back on your old 'comforter'. If we're honest, we admit it doesn't really give us the desired result. Numbing ourselves against the pain ends up backfiring. Of course, I did it many times - but would've been much better off facing things with a clear head. Plus, you know your grandfather would never want to be the cause of you picking up again.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Proud of you for seeing what needs to be done. You can do this, ca - you don't need that stuff.

[ca3726]

Thank you all foe the encouragement And understanding. I will face this sober and clearheaded. I actually want to feel emotions again. I'm I'm tired of being numb. Tomorrow is a brand new day!!

[debsam]

Yes, tomorrow is a brand new day.

You can do this CA. I've got a strong feeling that this will be it for you...you sound as fed up, determined and focused as I was.

I used AVRT & AA...both great programs...and i used both cuz I didn't want to miss a thing.

Big hugs CA