Abstinent but not Sober

[surrender21]

Hello All-

This is my first post. While I am proud to say that I have been abstinent from drugs and alcohol for over 6 years, I have recently come to realize that abstinence and sobriety are not the same thing.

I dipped my toe into recovery during the first 6-9 months of my abstinence, got a sponsor, worked a few steps, and then started having panic attacks on the way to meetings. I rationalized that since I was in therapy and now able to stay clean on my own, that working a program was not essential to my recovery. I stopped going to meetings and abandoned the program. I went back to trying to manage my life in the same ways as before, albeit without the assistance of drugs and alcohol to alter my reality and control my emotions.

The term "Dry Drunk" would seem to describe me to a tee. I am rigid and inflexible. I am obsessed with control. Perfectionistic. Self-seeking and self-obsessed. Fearful. Insecure. Angry. Entitled. Isolated. Competitive. Anxious. My life feels like one interminable power struggle and I am exhausted.

I am finally ready to admit that my way isn't working. My life is unmanageable. I am not sure what exactly I am powerless over (reality? my ego? everything?), but I am ready to admit my powerlessness and surrender to a higher power. I need to embrace humility and find sanity. I need fellowship.

So now what? Where do I belong in the 12-step world? Would it be appropriate for me to go to an AA meeting? Is there another fellowship that would better suit me? Al-anon perhaps?

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks

[2granddaughters]

I know what you mean. It says in How It Works that "no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles, we are not Saints"

I find the Promises of AA to come true as promised in the Big Book as I go along in AA.

All the best.

Bob R

[freshstart57]

There is a school of thought that teaches that abstinence is an end in itself and is its own reward. You seem to know this through the knowledge you gained through therapy by being secure in your sobriety for 6 years. Well Done.

You seem to want to define yourself through AA ideas now and this baffles me. You are not powerless over alcohol in the least, so why would you want to do this?

I am not sure what exactly I am powerless over (reality? my ego? everything?), but I am ready to admit my powerlessness and surrender to a higher power. I need to embrace humility and find sanity. I need fellowship.

Lots of sober folks like you go to church. I do too.

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by surrender21

The term "Dry Drunk" would seem to describe me to a tee. I am rigid and inflexible. I am obsessed with control. Perfectionistic. Self-seeking and self-obsessed. Fearful. Insecure. Angry. Entitled. Isolated. Competitive. Anxious. My life feels like one interminable power struggle and I am exhausted.

I quit on my own one time and made it about...Almost 10 months....This was me. My ex-wife told me to go back to drinking....She couldn't take it either. I did...She left...I punished myself 10 more years till I was broken...For the first time in my life I was willing to listen....I followed the suggestions...Worked the steps...I have 13 months now and I'm happy for the first time in 35 years....I got it right this time. I couldn't live like you described....I tried.

[Sapling]

I would recommend it....It not only changed my life....It saved it. Give it all you got....My way didn't work either.

[Dee74]

Hi & welcome Surrender

From my experience, getting sober is one thing...being happy and content about it is often another.

From the language you're using, it certainly sounds like AA might be the right fit and way forward for you - good luck!

D

[ACT10Npack]

Have you ever thought about taking anxiety/anti depression meds for your panic attack? Talk to your doctor about this.

[CaiHong]

I am into my second year of sobriety and am just beginning to realize what an amazing program AA really is. What you described is so relevant to all of us.

I have nearly finished reading The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz.
The last chapters are really giving me insight into that ego driven maniac that I can be.
I think you have made an important discovery about yourself.
caiHong

[surrender21]

Thanks CaiHong-

The Spirituality of Imperfection looks interesting, I think I will pick it up.

[Sapling]

Awesome book.

[MemphisBlues]

I think it all comes down to what are issues are. If your issue was just drinking too much, or just being addicted to alcohol, and when you quit life was fine, than I understand your reluctance to go back to AA.

But from the language you use, the issues you raise, well, I think that goes to the heart of what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. It is about the steps.

There are two parts to Step 1 -- the part following the dash "-- that our lives had become unmanageable," is the part that keeps me going back to AA after two years.

I know many take issue with the "dry drunk" philosophy, but it describes me perfectly.

It's a spiritual program. Six years of being abstinent does not necessarily deliver a content life. It removes some of the fight, but it doesn't bring serenity.

I've said it before: If you get sober and can look in the mirror and like what you see, you've got it made. If you look in mirror and don't like the face there, go to a meeting.

It is all about selfishness and judging others and being restless, irritable and discontent. I need more than sobriety. I need more than just not drinking or drugging. I need a design for living.

[surrender21]

Thanks MemphisBlues-

I feel exactly the same...I need a design for living.

Regards,
Sean