Expectations? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ImWorkingHard · 08-11-2012, 09:12 AM

I just registered today as a new member. I have been sober at end of Aug. 7 months. I recently completed a 16 week IOP program, read the entire Big Book and certain sections numerous times. I have been working very hard on starting to live a new life. I have been married for 21 yrs and 2 kids(16&15). I have put my wife through hell for the 4 1/2 yrs or so before that last drink. She has been there through good and bad, supported recovery. The struggle we face is that she says she needs to be put 1st. It should be simple I am told. I explain that everyday is a struggle for me & if I cannot get myself better how can I get anyone else better? She has read some of the Big Book, done research, forums. I do everything else for everyone 1st she says. I have asked her "What do you do for yourself?" I have been dealing with the regret, remorse for time lost as well as she has. I am having a very hard time dealing with the rebound from when she gets angry that her expectations are not being met. Please any advise from both sides would be appreciated.

***Anna*** · 08-11-2012, 09:33 AM

Hi,

I'm glad you are making your recovery a priority, but I can certainly understand your wife's position. After 7 months of your recovery, she is expressing her needs to you and that sounds very reasonable to me. It sounds like she is doing a lot for herself already and it could be that she needs you to listen to her, as she is on her journey.

ImWorkingHard · 08-11-2012, 09:47 AM

I do listen to her. And I do try to do what she wants, it when I don't that the anger starts, the disrespectful words. I want nothing more, but to be the person I used to be and work on it everyday. I just feel that her feeling is I haven't changed fast enough for her.

***Anna*** · 08-11-2012, 09:52 AM

So, perhaps her demands are unreasonable? Verbal abuse is never okay. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

Have you considered marriage counselling for both of you?

hypochondriac · 08-11-2012, 01:32 PM

This is nothing I have any experience with ImWorkingHard.. but I seem to remember that there is some good stuff on this in the big book...about making time for your partner and stuff like that. Has she considered going to Al-anon? x

08-11-2012, 09:12 AM	#1 (permalink)
ImWorkingHard Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Hooksett, NH Posts: 2	Expectations? I just registered today as a new member. I have been sober at end of Aug. 7 months. I recently completed a 16 week IOP program, read the entire Big Book and certain sections numerous times. I have been working very hard on starting to live a new life. I have been married for 21 yrs and 2 kids(16&15). I have put my wife through hell for the 4 1/2 yrs or so before that last drink. She has been there through good and bad, supported recovery. The struggle we face is that she says she needs to be put 1st. It should be simple I am told. I explain that everyday is a struggle for me & if I cannot get myself better how can I get anyone else better? She has read some of the Big Book, done research, forums. I do everything else for everyone 1st she says. I have asked her "What do you do for yourself?" I have been dealing with the regret, remorse for time lost as well as she has. I am having a very hard time dealing with the rebound from when she gets angry that her expectations are not being met. Please any advise from both sides would be appreciated.

08-11-2012, 09:33 AM	#2 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,831	Hi, I'm glad you are making your recovery a priority, but I can certainly understand your wife's position. After 7 months of your recovery, she is expressing her needs to you and that sounds very reasonable to me. It sounds like she is doing a lot for herself already and it could be that she needs you to listen to her, as she is on her journey. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

08-11-2012, 09:52 AM	#4 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,831	So, perhaps her demands are unreasonable? Verbal abuse is never okay. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Have you considered marriage counselling for both of you? __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

08-11-2012, 01:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
hypochondriac Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: UK Posts: 4,274	This is nothing I have any experience with ImWorkingHard.. but I seem to remember that there is some good stuff on this in the big book...about making time for your partner and stuff like that. Has she considered going to Al-anon? x __________________ “The future you have tomorrow, won't be the same future you had yesterday.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

08-11-2012, 09:47 AM	#3 (permalink)
ImWorkingHard Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Hooksett, NH Posts: 2	I do listen to her. And I do try to do what she wants, it when I don't that the anger starts, the disrespectful words. I want nothing more, but to be the person I used to be and work on it everyday. I just feel that her feeling is I haven't changed fast enough for her.

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