First REAL time quitting for MYSELF

[sobersolstice]

Ok, so you've probably heard it all, and posted my first post on someone's 30th day thread (of which some is mentioned here).

I'd almost forgotten about drinking now at day 34. I quit drinking on the summer solstice and never looked back. I knew I would die if I kept on drinking. I just think of it as gasoline... we're not made to consume flammable liquids.

I remember the first week being hard. Really hard. My best friend would take me to bars and drink ginger ale's with me. I'd go to bbq's where free beer was everywhere and I brought my own sodas. It's interesting to see how few people actually drink more than a couple beers/cocktails, and how many are drinking other beverages, from water to sodas.

One thing I've noticed is that most everyone that drinks at the bar drank with friends. Those that drink alone, which are few, make me not want to drink... just by looking at them. I was one of those guys that drank solo at the bars to meet people. Some of my friends quit drinking after watching me dispatch a 12 pack in an hour. I was never a rude or nasty drunk. Just funny, comedic, and excited. Then I'd come down and get really quiet, tired and sick feeling... nasty hangover in the morning.

Well, quitting definitely has been difficult. The actual quitting wasn't horrible physically... as a matter of fact, I'd felt better my second week than I do now. My first week had me irritable and discombobulated at work, which got me fired. Now my lease is up at the end of the month and I'm barely trying to find a place.

I'd lost count how many days I'd been sober because I'd forgotten about everything. I'm apathetic about pretty much anything and everything (except my new addiction). I go to bed at 3 am and wake up at noon... distract myself until 2 or 3pm, then start on breakfast. My motivation is gone.

The only thing I'm passionate about now is boxing. I had always been a fan of watching boxing, I'd never thought of taking up the sport until I quit. I was spending $30+ on booze every night, so I figured I could put that money toward a membership and hit some bags to release some tension and hire a trainer.

Now I'm addicted to boxing. I'll spend hours in the gym until I can no longer hold my arms above my head. I have no desire to drink, even at the bar or at events. All I do is watch boxing techniques from various ex-champs and trainers all morning until I feel like I'm about to starve, then eat breakfast and hit the gym until 9 pm. I now have an arrangement with my trainer to clean the gym, and in return, earn a free membership. Now I'm way too old to think about earning money in boxing (34yo), but it's been a life saver so far. Or not?

I used to be an outdoorsy type, hooked on rock climbing, skiing and other such adrenaline focused sports, but for some reason, boxing fits into my quitting. It's basically replaced drinking. I'll go for a 5 mile run at 2am knowing that the next guy isn't doing it. Then I study it until the gym opens at 3pm. Some days I'll work techniques in front of the mirror for hours and forget to eat.

When I do eat, I've been eating as healthy as possible and voraciously. I'm getting to the point of wanting to steal meat and veggies from the store to save money. My integrity keeps me from doing so, but i know where all of the cameras are.

I'm going to be homeless soon. I plan to sleep under the underpass next to the gym and stretch the few hundred dollars I have left for as long as it lasts. I have knocked on a number of doors for jobs but find it difficult to put together a sensible and coherent conversation, so I'm going to wait it out until I regain my equilibrium and find out who I am. I'm in a haze... dazed. Living in fear of fearing nothing.

Perhaps no one can truly relate, and I'm not even going to bring up my childhood (didn't have one). But I feel like a kid more now than I did when I was 14. Weird.

[MalkavianEmily]

Welcome sobersolstice. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say something to convince you that life will get better. Don't sleep rough. Surely there's a shelter near you. One that's safe.
All I know is that, if you stay away from the drink, life will get better. I know people who have been where you are. They aren't there now. It might not be all sunshine and rainbows, but the worst day sober is better than the best day drunk.
Be strong, and, as hard as it might seem, start sorting out somewhere to live.

[least]

Welcome to the SR family! :ghug3

[sobersolstice]

Thanks guys. I'll find a way, or something. I'm not seeking anyone to enable me. As it stands, I'm already taking care of my folks, who are alcoholics and have drained my money and mind. They are broke and in debt... hiding.

All I know is violence, greed, fear... escape. I have had beautiful moments traveling all over the country and world, living in the woods, out of my truck... rock climbing, skiing, nature, peace, beauty. No humans... just the world as it should be. No needles on the streets, sky-scrapers, the smell of human fecal matter, drug dealers, gangs, people shooting me or taking my money. Greed.

I guess we are animals. I watch animals compete for food and mate. From the lion to the sheep, they fight to the death for a matriarch. Perhaps we are too intelligent to a fault... Expanding on this, it's now not necessarily who works the hardest, but who can manipulate most efficiently to gain control and power that "wins". This in conjunction with maniacal fervor and tenacity... you get a tyrant. The world I know is run by tyrants feeding off of greed and abstract power.

I didn't think, or bother to analyze these objective perceptions when I was drinking. Maybe that's why I drank. Perhaps my angle on humanity is skewed, and the biggest question in my mind is "what is love?". I'm not sure I've ever felt it. I've used the word to maintain company of people who cared about me, but they usually ultimately left... primarily due to my drinking, but maybe because I'm a miscreant by nature, or perceived as such.

I'm in a fog. My brain is all over the place. I feel hungover with a headache, even though I haven't even had a sip of alcohol in more than a month. I'm easy to snap. I'll read this later and think 'who is this person?'. No.. I haven't been drinking, and never will again consume alcohol. The big question now is 'why am I here and what is it worth?'. I used to be a likeable person. Now I'm a cantankerous walking liability, locking himself in his own prison called the human mind.

[IndaMiricale]

Originally Posted by MalkavianEmily

Welcome sobersolstice. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say something to convince you that life will get better. Don't sleep rough. Surely there's a shelter near you. One that's safe.
All I know is that, if you stay away from the drink, life will get better. I know people who have been where you are. They aren't there now. It might not be all sunshine and rainbows, but the worst day sober is better than the best day drunk.
Be strong, and, as hard as it might seem, start sorting out somewhere to live.

Thank you for putting that perfectly. Please just stick to whatever works and I would love to keep involved in this journey. So when you can please post your updates. Your story really can help so so many.

Good love, Inda

[Dee74]

Congratulations on your sober time.

I'm sorry you lost your job sobersolstice - but there are many steps and opportunities between your lease ending and sleeping under an overpass - I hope you find a solution to both job and house problems

D

[sobersolstice]

Thanks for the feedback. Sorry to sound like a downer, but everything is hitting me at once - no money, family issues, childhood, divorce, layoff, no leads on jobs or housing... it's overwhelming enough to just ignore it and see what pans out. My days just disappear. My first few weeks before I lost my job, I was like "oh.. this is great! No hangover... I can work 16 hours on 2 hours of sleep and then workout!" Now i guess I'm just exhausted and broken down a bit. Maybe too much at once. One thing that doesn't even cross my mind is alcohol. The boxing gym is a great place for sober people. Now, I started boxing to exert my aggression toward bags instead of people. It's starting to feel like an art, a craft, that needs to be handled properly. I'm now sparring regularly and hope to have my first fight in September. I don't know anyone at the gym that drinks. In that sense it is a great place. Obsessing and overdoing things is a fault built into my system that has perpetuated itself into the world of boxing, but i figure it's better than drinking. Sure my body feels beat up everyday, but my fitness has improved tenfold since I started. I just need to take that fervor and apply it toward modern survival essentials such as shelter and money for food. One thing I will mention is that my money has stretched 10 times as long sober as it would have if I were drinking. I just realized that I would have approx. $146,000 in my bank account if I had never started drinking. Sure I may have spent it on something else... perhaps med school... but can't be lingering in the past. Just sayin'. I think I'll start feeling better once I start back on track and relearn how to manage my time and get on a roll back up and beyond where I was.

[Animal454]

Welcome SS. Stick with the gym and maybe you can talk to the "right person" and maybe do some work around the gym in exchange for a cot to crash on.
I am sure that there will be someone with a sympathetic ear..

Best of luck. Sounds like the key at this point is to keep those gloves on and stay as busy as you can..

[Anna]

Welcome and congratulations on your 34 days sober!

I'm really sorry about losing your home and job, and I hope that you can find a way to get settled again.

[Amigo]

Solstice,

Congrats on your sober days. I bet if you can stay sober, the money will eventually sort itself out. Alice Cooper replaced substance abuse with golf. He is now a golf fanatic. Maybe you can do the same but with boxing.

[Zee]

Hi SS
I agree with Animal, I reckon if you ask your guys at the gym, they might have a quiet spot for you to stay there for a couple of weeks. At least its safe, and you won't have far to go and train! I really hope it works out for you

[Count]

Hope everything works out for you SS just recently gave up drink myself, and now I'm trying to getting myself back in shape. I think you need to learn to trust people again, well that what I'm trying to do just now, but still a bit hesitant to let people get close. Anyway keep us posted and once again I hope everything works it self out and good luck with your first fight.

[sobersolstice]

All thoughts, support and suggestions are appreciated! Thank you :-).

I got up at 5am today and went for a run. It wasn't all that fun, but it made the rest of my day far more productive than those days I lay around waiting for the gym to open.

I've sent out a dozen emails on CL for apartments and feeling better.

Productivity uplifts and clears the air even when it seems like all things are scattered, dark, hazy and blue.

Just gotta keep rollin'... now off to the gym!

[katiedid722]

Sounds like you have a great accomplishment to be thankful for. I'm really sorry for your current living situation - remember that usually it always get's worse before it get's better ... if it were not this way most of us would not be sober right now! I think you had a key point here when you said that you threw yourself into boxing. I think it's important to find something that releases endorphins, that you can wrap yourself in and think about everything else. It's about finding that release in something else besides getting drunk, high, etc. Good luck to you, friend.

[sobersolstice]

So I'm somewhere between one and two months sober after a good 20 year stint of drinking everyday since I was 14.

I thought the first week would be the most difficult... and in ways it was. The physical changes occurring through the first couple weeks were tough to deal with. But, at about week 2, I felt like mornings were awesome, clear and fresh. Even in the first week, I woke up feeling fresh and ready to go, even after 2-3 hours of sleep.

I started feeling lethargic and lazy at around week three and has continued every day and I'm about 6 weeks sober. It's felt like a year, as I've stopped keeping count, but I seriously feel hungover in the morning even after a solid 8-9 hours of sleep. This perpetuates through the morning and early afternoons unless I have a strong cup of coffee or 3 to even start feeling motivated.

I feel exhausted. I'm trying to keep balance, and eat healthy, work out, but not over-kill it.

I thought it was the internalized stress of not having a job and a roof over my head, but now I've landed a job and have an apartment.

I'm just exhausted.

Has anyone else experienced this? I hear a lot about "oh I felt great after a month" etc., but my mornings continuing into the early afternoons are literally a slow-zone of dullness and lethargy for me.

I hope someone else can attest or somehow relate, as I don't like the way this feels.

I know it'll get better, but what am I to expect? If this feeling of exhaustion and lethargy perpetuates... it seems no different from drinking and being hungover in the morning. I'm also going through the stages of having relapse dreams though I have no intention of drinking again. I don't crave it. I call into work sick because I'm too tired to get up, or I go and am worthless.

Is this a normal pattern?

[freshstart57]

Sobersolstice, well done on the whole alcohol front. I think that you know dealing right now with alcohol and with the other things as well would be so much worse. Drinking is never an option.

Please look into the signs of depression. I have been there, and so have many many others. Maybe a frank chat with your Dr. about these feelings you are having is a good idea. It certainly won't hurt.