Things I have done...

[ultrabunny]

...on my recent binge.


Drunk driving (shame, total shame)

Sex with an unpleasant stranger (not even sure I said yes to it)

Apparently punched the above man and gave him a black eye (not necessarily a bad thing..)

Drunk vodka at 8am (not even hair of the dog... just pure escapism)

Phoned the Samaritans (didn't want to kill myself..but didn't want to live either. She really helped me btw)

Asked for help (not good at that)

Kept working and paying bills somehow (so hard to be with people and pretend to be 'normal')

Kept looking after my kids somehow (they are so good, I want / need to be better for them)

Kept away from my family (I'm very angry with them at the moment for past issues)

Avoided my friends, ignored txts and phonecalls (Can't face them)

Picked another fight with a man in a club (anger issues with men, y'think?)

Drunk text a man I do NOT find attractive (he likes me, god knows why)

Drunk text a man I DO find attractive (he doesn't like me, why, why!?!)

Found new and amazing ways to hide alcohol around the house (bags hanging on the back of kitchen door)

Started drinking vodka from a mug (and I still think I don't have a problem??!)

Spent money I do not have on alcohol (found the local take away delivers wine and spirits - result!)

Had huge blackouts, where I have no clue what I did (where did that bruise come from?)

Put on 8lbs through alcohol and comfort food (cos there's nothing like getting fat to help the situation!)

Had a massive panic attack where I thought I would die (it went on for hours)



So there you have it! It's been a busy few months, but it's day one AGAIN.

It's seems to me that the lower you get, the less you care. A few years ago I wouldn't have dreamt I would be doing the sort of stuff I have listed above.

[MrsKing]

ultrabunny, it sounds like you've had a tough couple of months. I'm glad you're on Day 1 - congratulations on beginning your journey. Lots of those things you did sound very familiar to me, but now they are distant memories... things that only enter my mind very irregularly. You can do this and you can be free of all that chaos. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

[OklaBH]

"where'd that bruise come from?" geez I dont miss those mornings.

Glad you are back and on day 1. What is your recovery plan for support?

[Stevie1]

Hi ultrabunny, I saw your other recent thread too and I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I think many of us can relate, since alcoholism & depression (and other disorders) often go hand-in-hand. And if it makes you feel better, I've done many of the things on your list, plus some nasty ones you didn't mention!

Obviously, drinking doesn't help although it seems a good idea at the time, and ultimately keeps getting worse.

There are many baby-steps you can take that won't make everything better, but will help you feel better in the moment (in a positive way, not like eating or drinking) and help you get more control. I know a lot might seem trite and advice you see everywhere but worth a try until you start your counseling in September. Forms of meditation and prayer, exercise (even a ten-minute walk), urge surfing, journaling, AVRT...

[TorontoGuy28]

Hi ultrabunny,

I could easily write a list of horror after my binges, but at the least you are acknowledging your destructive behavior- vs. being in denial of your alcohol problem.

Please seek help, AA is a great start...

Good news is that it does get much, much better ! Do it for yourself and your kids,you both deserve much better out of life.

TG

[tomsteve]

theres nothing original in what you have done. its all been done before.
not to the real issue: since it is day one again, yer way aint workin too good,IMO, and it's time to do something different to stop drinking. are you willing and desperate enough to do something different? i hope and pray you are. sobriety rocks!!!

[SmittyBittyBoo]

Yay for day 1 ! Keep your list for when you feel weak. It may help you keep your strength. When I'm getting the urge it's been helpful to remember why I DON'T want to drink and what horrible things happen when I do.

I hate that wondering where the bruise came from. People always look at me like how could I not know?

[ultrabunny]

Thanks for all replies and help.

I've reading on here all day (should be working...) And I've just had a lightbulb moment!

I only have to not drink for today.

I've read that before loads but never really 'got it' and im sat here thinking 'i bet you will give up tomorrow or the day after or a week later...' But its just today, isnt it?

[Anna]

It is true that the lower you get, the less you care. And, that's such a horrible place to be stuck. I almost didn't make it out. But, take that leap of faith and know that you can do this. You don't have to go through another Day 1.

[soberbrooke]

I found serenity in AA, I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I now have 7 months of sobriety one day at a time. My sponsor got sober in 1975, I was 5 years old. It was important to me to have a "Dr Phil" type sponsor this time around, I was so into my EGO. I thought I knew everything, I didn't know diddly!! Your story sounds like me, only I drank beer and wine. The feelings I had were hopelessness, unconnected, despair, depression, self pity, the list could go on and on........
I now have hope, have faith, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have a lot of things to clean up, but I am doing them one step and one day at a time.

[ultrabunny]

Ugh..my teenage daughter just told me that I went to bed and left my 10yr old son up with her. He went to bed at midnight!!

I have no memory past about 9pm.

Shame shame yukky shame :-(

[Change4good]

Originally Posted by ultrabunny

Ugh..my teenage daughter just told me that I went to bed and left my 10yr old son up with her. He went to bed at midnight!!

I have no memory past about 9pm.

Shame shame yukky shame :-(

So you know you don't want to be that mom. Turn the shame into action. You can do it.

[MalkavianEmily]

Welcome Ultrabunny
It's the first day of your recovery, and that's a positive thing as far as I can see. That's a good list to keep to remind you why you want and need to stay sober.
What's your plan of action? Mine is to ask somebody to be my temporary sponsor till I go to London. Get some step work done. And do it properly.
But you can do this. The same way we all do it. We stay sober together. And, with the help and support of the folks on here, so will you.

[ultrabunny]

Tonight, instead of buying wine or vodka (or both) I have treated myself to a movie (we bought a zoo) chinese take out and the worlds smallest tub of ice cream (looked bigger on the website)

Im going to get through tonight I think :-)

[jobei]

I am so glad that you're here and have made the decision to quit drinking! It really helps to see others joining in the good fight! Take care of yourself and god bless!