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|06-29-2012, 05:11 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2010
Back after a long drunken absence. 19 days now.
My last stretch of sobriety was from December 2010 or January 2011 to somewhere in March 2011. Then I fell of the wagon (again) somewhere in March 2011, stopped posting here because I was a coward, and drank aggressively until June 11 - my last drink was the 10th. Actually, maybe "coward" isn't the most precise term...I wanted to keep drinking, so didn't see the point in visiting a recovery forum while drunk.
What am I doing differently this time? Back in AA, but this time with a different mindset - I have a sponsor this time, for one thing. I really, really like her. I've been doing one or two meetings almost every day - which is sometimes very difficult to fit in because of my schedule but I feel so much better when I go at least once. I'm reading every day, and this good little agnostic actually managed to get on her knees this morning and ask the universe for self-will and clarity and strength to get through the day without drinking or doing something equally asinine.
Also (and for balance) I just started with an addiction counselor whose emphasis is on CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and I like him too. I'm hard on therapists and p-docs and tend to fire them with alacrity but I'm starting to realise that I need to search within me for reasons whenever I want to "fire" someone from my life.
It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the older I get, and each time I relapse, I fall a bit further down, drink harder, hurt myself physically and spiritually more, hurt other people in my life more....truly it's a downward spiral. I'm 54 and have been using/drinking since I was 17.
So anyways...15 months later I'm just now reading some of the PMs and visitor messages I ignored last year when I hit the bottle and "went out" and I'm sad to see that someone I chatted with from here also hasn't been back since March 2011.
There's a voice in my head that's rolling eyes at me..."there she goes, vowing solemnly and sincerely that she'll get clean and sober, AGAIN. Wonder how long this stretch will last?" I guess you only fail once you quit trying, though.
I've been doing well but tonight I really want a drink or 20, ugh! I may try to hit another meeting late. Or call my sponsor, or another woman I've talked with in the program. Or go for a walk with the dogs, now that it's cooled down to 87 degrees. There is a 9:30 pm meeting tonight I've been to before, I think I may go.
Sorry I'm rambling, tl;dr! Just wanted to say hi again.
|The Following 17 Users Say Thank You to Stevie1 For This Useful Post:|| |
auden67 (06-29-2012), bloss (06-29-2012), CaiHong (06-30-2012), ColoradoMan (06-30-2012), crewisms (06-30-2012), Elisabeth888 (06-29-2012), Freedom55 (06-30-2012), least (06-29-2012), Lenina (06-29-2012), neferkamichael (06-29-2012), pauladmits (06-30-2012), ReadyAndAble (06-30-2012), Sapling (06-29-2012), sissy07 (06-30-2012), soberbrooke (06-30-2012), tomsteve (06-29-2012), Zencat (06-30-2012)
|06-29-2012, 05:13 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2012
Blog Entries: 140
Glad you came back!
I only have today...
|06-29-2012, 05:13 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
That's awesome...Welcome back...It's easier when you want to do it.
|06-29-2012, 05:14 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Welcome back Stevie, you can do it.
Success is making yourself do the thing you need to do when you need to do it whether you like it or not.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
|06-29-2012, 05:14 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Seas
welcome back Stevie - good to see you
|06-29-2012, 05:20 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Social Network Moderator
Join Date: Sep 2007
Welcome back ((Stevie))!
Hugs and prayers,
"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer
"You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. - Shania Twain
(Tinker, Elvis [RIP], Patches and Mots - Mouth Of The South)
|06-29-2012, 05:34 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Stevie, it sounds like you have a good plan.
|06-29-2012, 05:47 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2011
It's not a game to see who stays sober the longest. It's real and it's your life.
Welcome back! Hope it sticks this time.
|06-29-2012, 05:57 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Stevie! I'm so glad you're back! I'd been thinking of you and was wondering how you were getting along!
love from Lenina
|06-29-2012, 06:36 PM||#10 (permalink)|
Learning to live again
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Great to see you back, Stevie. Sometimes setbacks can be valuable. My last one led me to SR and sobriety. You can do it, Stevie.
You are so much more than the worst thing you've
ever done. - Fr. Gregory Boyle, Homeboy Industries
Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
|06-29-2012, 06:53 PM||#11 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2010
I hate when a meeting is listed in the meeting book, you drive all the way out there....and we don't have the latest book, so there's actually no meeting. (I've been to this group/meeting before, but not late Friday night.)
So I stopped at Kroger, bought sushi, green tea and Sara Lee strawberry cheesecake. I'll eat instead!
Thanks for the welcome back you guys.
|06-29-2012, 07:39 PM||#12 (permalink)|
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Blog Entries: 31
I'm glad you're back too!
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.
Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.
Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus
Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley
|06-30-2012, 09:10 AM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Blog Entries: 10
Awesome progress Stevie.
This little (abet heftier) atheist will recite a mantra for clarity and wellness to thwart any self-stupidity harm that would come my way.
|06-30-2012, 01:28 PM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2010
My sponsor has 17 years and does not believe in "A God" but she's made it work for her, clearly.
Right now I'm just going with Good Orderly Direction and taking it a day at a time.
|06-30-2012, 06:43 PM||#15 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
Welcome back Stevie!
It's hard to start over - I've done it a couple times myself..... Like Hevyn said, though, it can add to our motivation to make it stick this time around. You sound determined and ready to make changes and that's awesome. Also, strawberry cheesecake, or any kind of cheesecake for that matter, is definitely therapeutic in my book!
|The Following User Says Thank You to artsoul For This Useful Post:|| |
|06-30-2012, 06:53 PM||#16 (permalink)|
Join Date: May 2012
What a wonderful story! And post! Welcome back and I, for one, look forward to seeing a bit more of that experience and wisdom you just wrote about!
"The future ain't what it used to be." Yogi
|The Following User Says Thank You to crewisms For This Useful Post:|| |
|06-30-2012, 07:03 PM||#17 (permalink)|
Not Yet Defeated
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: trudging the road to happy destiny
Hi Stevie - so glad you're back. So much in your post I identify with. thank you.
Seeking to be happy, joyous, and free
Any quotes from the Big Book of AA are from the first edition
|06-30-2012, 07:07 PM||#18 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Hey, Stevie, I totally remember you. Good to see you back!
|06-30-2012, 10:49 PM||#19 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
I liked what Readyandable said, I second that. I am 58 and sober for over a year, the obsession for alcohol has left me, such a pain in the ass. I believe my HP and my willingness to surrender took that burden from me.
I can't say I loved AA in the beginning or even now but it's not about liking something its about what is good for me. I loved alcohol but it wasn't good for me.
I want to do things now that will heal and nurture me so I can benefit from the results, so different from me grabbing the quick fix.
Keep going, glad you are back.
|The Following User Says Thank You to CaiHong For This Useful Post:|| |
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