Back after a long drunken absence. 19 days now.

[Stevie1]

My last stretch of sobriety was from December 2010 or January 2011 to somewhere in March 2011. Then I fell of the wagon (again) somewhere in March 2011, stopped posting here because I was a coward, and drank aggressively until June 11 - my last drink was the 10th. Actually, maybe "coward" isn't the most precise term...I wanted to keep drinking, so didn't see the point in visiting a recovery forum while drunk.

What am I doing differently this time? Back in AA, but this time with a different mindset - I have a sponsor this time, for one thing. I really, really like her. I've been doing one or two meetings almost every day - which is sometimes very difficult to fit in because of my schedule but I feel so much better when I go at least once. I'm reading every day, and this good little agnostic actually managed to get on her knees this morning and ask the universe for self-will and clarity and strength to get through the day without drinking or doing something equally asinine.

Also (and for balance) I just started with an addiction counselor whose emphasis is on CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and I like him too. I'm hard on therapists and p-docs and tend to fire them with alacrity but I'm starting to realise that I need to search within me for reasons whenever I want to "fire" someone from my life.

It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the older I get, and each time I relapse, I fall a bit further down, drink harder, hurt myself physically and spiritually more, hurt other people in my life more....truly it's a downward spiral. I'm 54 and have been using/drinking since I was 17.

So anyways...15 months later I'm just now reading some of the PMs and visitor messages I ignored last year when I hit the bottle and "went out" and I'm sad to see that someone I chatted with from here also hasn't been back since March 2011.

There's a voice in my head that's rolling eyes at me..."there she goes, vowing solemnly and sincerely that she'll get clean and sober, AGAIN. Wonder how long this stretch will last?" I guess you only fail once you quit trying, though.

I've been doing well but tonight I really want a drink or 20, ugh! I may try to hit another meeting late. Or call my sponsor, or another woman I've talked with in the program. Or go for a walk with the dogs, now that it's cooled down to 87 degrees. There is a 9:30 pm meeting tonight I've been to before, I think I may go.

Sorry I'm rambling, tl;dr! Just wanted to say hi again.

[bloss]

Glad you came back!

[Sapling]

That's awesome...Welcome back...It's easier when you want to do it.

[neferkamichael]

Welcome back Stevie, you can do it.

[Dee74]

welcome back Stevie - good to see you

D

[Impurrfect]

Welcome back ((Stevie))!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

[Anna]

Stevie, it sounds like you have a good plan.

[Jeff63]

It's not a game to see who stays sober the longest. It's real and it's your life.

Welcome back! Hope it sticks this time.

[Lenina]

Stevie! I'm so glad you're back! I'd been thinking of you and was wondering how you were getting along!

love from Lenina

[Hevyn]

Great to see you back, Stevie. Sometimes setbacks can be valuable. My last one led me to SR and sobriety. You can do it, Stevie.

[Stevie1]

I hate when a meeting is listed in the meeting book, you drive all the way out there....and we don't have the latest book, so there's actually no meeting. (I've been to this group/meeting before, but not late Friday night.)

So I stopped at Kroger, bought sushi, green tea and Sara Lee strawberry cheesecake. I'll eat instead!

Thanks for the welcome back you guys.

[least]

I'm glad you're back too!

[Zencat]

Awesome progress Stevie.

Originally Posted by Stevie1

...and this good little agnostic actually managed to get on her knees this morning and ask the universe for self-will and clarity and strength to get through the day without drinking or doing something equally asinine.

I love it.

This little (abet heftier) atheist will recite a mantra for clarity and wellness to thwart any self-stupidity harm that would come my way.

Originally Posted by Stevie

Also (and for balance) I just started with an addiction counselor whose emphasis is on CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and I like him too. I'm hard on therapists and p-docs and tend to fire them with alacrity but I'm starting to realise that I need to search within me for reasons whenever I want to "fire" someone from my life.

Balance - I augment my open AA meeting attendance with CBT skill building. My spiritual practice is naturalistic instead of the religious elements found AA, thus secular 12-step versions instead of AA's 12 steps for me. But its all good no matter how one finds their way out of active addiction into a pleasant state of being.

[Stevie1]

Originally Posted by Zencat

My spiritual practice is naturalistic instead of the religious elements found AA, thus secular 12-step versions instead of AA's 12 steps for me. But its all good no matter how one finds their way out of active addiction into a pleasant state of being.

Yep, that's where I'm finding I can identify with the whole "Higher Power" concept, which has been a struggle for me. The BB assumes my perception will change, but I don't think I will ever come around to seeing my HP as a man in the sky who cares about me. Rather...a collective unconsciousness, a sense of life and connectivity larger and more powerful than me, a naturistic force. Like that.

My sponsor has 17 years and does not believe in "A God" but she's made it work for her, clearly.

Right now I'm just going with Good Orderly Direction and taking it a day at a time.

[artsoul]

Welcome back Stevie!

It's hard to start over - I've done it a couple times myself..... Like Hevyn said, though, it can add to our motivation to make it stick this time around. You sound determined and ready to make changes and that's awesome. Also, strawberry cheesecake, or any kind of cheesecake for that matter, is definitely therapeutic in my book!

[crewisms]

What a wonderful story! And post! Welcome back and I, for one, look forward to seeing a bit more of that experience and wisdom you just wrote about!

[Freedom55]

Hi Stevie - so glad you're back. So much in your post I identify with. thank you.

lh

[ReadyAndAble]

Hey, Stevie, I totally remember you. Good to see you back!

There's a voice in my head that's rolling eyes at me..."there she goes, vowing solemnly and sincerely that she'll get clean and sober, AGAIN. Wonder how long this stretch will last?"

I heard that a lot, too. I see now it was my addiction trying to undermine my confidence. That's when the voice was most cunning—when instead of screaming to have a drink, it tried to chip away at my self-esteem, make me think I couldn't do it. But here I am, proving the voice wrong and loving it. Glad to have you back!

[CaiHong]

Hi Stevie,
I liked what Readyandable said, I second that. I am 58 and sober for over a year, the obsession for alcohol has left me, such a pain in the ass. I believe my HP and my willingness to surrender took that burden from me.
I can't say I loved AA in the beginning or even now but it's not about liking something its about what is good for me. I loved alcohol but it wasn't good for me.
I want to do things now that will heal and nurture me so I can benefit from the results, so different from me grabbing the quick fix.
Keep going, glad you are back.

love
caiHong