Active Addiction

[Eliasson]

I have a friend in recovery (I've only known her a few weeks) who relapsed on alcohol and Xanax Friday night. She ended up in the hospital and her husband kicked her out of the house. She asked if she could spend one night (last night) with me and I let her. As the evening wore on it became more and more obvious that she was still on something, and my husband was not very happy about our new house guest. All I wanted to do was to "be of service" but I'm in over my head and am not used to dealing with someone in active addiction, in my home no less. She is still asleep this morning up in my guest room. My sponsor says I can't be enabling her - I'm figuring out there's a fine line between helping and enabling- and I need to ask her to leave. I really don't want this around my family, but she's in such a sad place I also don't want to add to her pain in any way. I could really use some suggestions from my wise recovery friends here on how to handle this? Do I go and wake her up at some point and ask her to leave my home by a certain time? I'm just at a loss.

[scrambled2012]

when she wakes up, you need to be forward about asking her what her plan is.

The house is both her's and her husbands, under the law. That is an issue for those two to work out.

Bringing folks into our homes out of the goodness of our hearts can produce huge unexpected negitive consequences. Be very careful.

[soberlicious]

Originally Posted by scrambled2012

when she wakes up, you need to be forward about asking her what her plan is.

I second this.

Originally Posted by Eliasson

All I wanted to do was to "be of service"

The concept of "the hand of AA" can be confusing. I believe all one can do is offer moral support and information on quitting. Beyond that, money, rides, a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on...honestly not helpful toward the goal...your or hers. Changing her life is truly her responsibility. Cold hard truth, especially for those in active addiction who want it done "for" them. I was one of them. Everyone can point her toward her bootstraps, but she alone has to be the one to pull them up. If she is unable because of the severity of her addiction, the law will eventually intervene and temporary choices will be made for her. I was there too.

Originally Posted by scrambled2012

Be very careful.

Scrambled is right, Eliasson. The sniggly uncomfortable feeling you have with this situation is there for a reason. Listen. Ignoring our intuition can lead to messy stuff.

[Threshold]

Please be firm and honest about your boundaries.

If you have a vehicle and the time, ask if you can drop her at a hotel, hosp, relatives house, rehab, or center, or can you call a cab for her.

do not put your own recovery, relationships, belongings or family at risk. Honesty is critical to recovery and being honest about what we can and are willing to do is critical as well.

She asked to stay for ONE night, you agreed, now she must be on her way. If she is still on something, maybe she needs to return to the hospital for her own sake, but that is not your call to make.

[2granddaughters]

Did you talk to your sponsor "before" you took her in?
Did you call her husband?
How did your sponsor suggest you handle this situation?

A few good lessons here for us to learn, Eliasson, what does your husband suggest you do?

You probably shouldn't expect that this goes well ... but it does have to go.

All the best.

Bob R

[Dee74]

Hi Eliasson

some great advice here - I think it would be best for her, and for you, to let your friend sort out her own life somewhere else.

You're not adding to her pain to ask her to take back responsibility for sorting herself out - it's a necessary step.

You are adding to your already considerable stresses and strains tho by having someone in active addiction around you. Being of service extends to yourself too....

D

[Eliasson]

Thank you everyone. I did talk to my sponsor first. Suffice it to say we are working on me learning how to set boundaries, in all areas of my life. I did ask her gently to leave, explained that I couldn't have the disease around my family and I needed to protect my sobriety. She did leave. However, I later found out that she left with about 40 pills of Adderall and was rummaging thru my cancer patient sons meds. Hard to tell what might be missing there. So no it didn't end well, and I have learned a very valuable lesson. I am so angry right now. At her. At this disease. At myself for exposing my family to her. What was I thinking? I want so badly to be "nice" to everyone and more often than not it gets me into a lot of trouble. The story of my life. I need to get to a meeting tonight. Thank you all for your help once again.

[Dee74]

Don't be angry Eliasson - you have a good heart, you tried to help someone who was floundering, it's not your fault that help was abused, & in the end, you learned a valuable lesson

D

[Spinach]

I think it went,exactly the way you thought it might.
Which shows that your senses are spot on.
Lesson learned and no real damage prescriptions can be re written .
You may be feeling bad but you don't need to.
John.

[Anna]

She is sick, Eliasson. I am sorry that she took advantage of your kindness and willingness to help. Definitely don't blame yourself. Set those boundaries firmly as you know you need to and move on. Prayers that your friend finds her way.