Scared

[MWarren]

I had failed spinal surgery and ended up with too much free time and pain to deal with. Alcohol is a great pain reliever! I’m on disability and after two years of treatment and recovery I was finally able to live on my own again. And then I started drinking. I’ve been drunk for three years now. Last Friday, as usual, I spent most of the day drinking and the night doing really stupid things. Then Saturday, as usual, hung over. But on Sunday I felt like I fell off a cliff, with depression and anxiety. I’ve been waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. What the hell is that?

Lately I’ve noticed an increase in my anxiety and these panic attacks are hard to get through. During hangovers especially, with my heart racing, there are times I thought for sure I was going to die. Last year I was hospitalized with Afib. But there is something else, I’m sweating for no reason and I smell! The worst thing though, is the irritability. I’ve never been an angry person and I am mad as hell. Stupid little things set me off and I feel like I’m going to explode.

Last year I went to a psychologist to get some help. He teamed with an addiction specialist. After thousands and thousands of dollars, more prescriptions than I could count and an additional twenty pounds, I’m still drinking. It was so easy to drink through all that. They bought every bit of my bs. I slowed down a little, but never stopped. I thought I could control it.

I’m really introverted and found it impossible to get to an AA meeting. Because that means admitting I’m an alcoholic. I can’t bring myself to do it. I live alone so no one knows how bad it is. All my friends are heavy drinkers so if I quit, I have no friends. And then I’m really alone. And I’m finding it really difficult to say no… I’m not going out tonight.

I decided to quit, my last drink was on Wednesday, I poured the rest of the bottle into the sink. I just need someone to know. I know this going to get harder. I know I have to take it one day at a time, and sometimes just one hour at a time. So, here I am. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve done some really hard things. But this time, on this day, in this year, in this month… it’s my choice to be sober. Because this life I’m leading is not mine anymore and I need it to be mine again.

[Anna]

It sounds like you're ready to do what you need to do. It's essential, I think, to accept that you are an alcoholic. Whether you go to AA or use another recovery method, you need to begin from the premise that you are addicted.

Having anxiety/panic attacks is quite common in alcoholics, and it's likely that these will decrease when you stop drinking.

It can be dangerous to detox from alcohol, so it's a good idea to check with your dr before you begin. It would be a good idea to be open about the prescription medications you are taking as well.

We're here to offer support.

[Weasel1966]

Welcome M. It's normal to be scared.

You said they bought ever bit of your bs? Being sober will never be about anyone but ones self. My advice is to not bs yourself. It sounds like you are on a good start with your frame of mind.

It will be hard no doubt. But not so hard you cannot succeed.

One thing I live by that gets me through.

The powers that be, what ever that is to you, will NEVER give us more than we can handle.

Best of luck and glad ya posted.

Ken

[bloss]

Just don't drink today, I've poured countless bottles down the drain...concentrate on today...take care

[MWarren]

Thank you for your support,

Anna, I'm not on any prescription pain meds, that is one thing I was able to overcome. I know I have to be honest with myself. And very gradually I've been doing that. It's not easy to accept the fact that I'm not a person that can drink at all! I mean I tried and tried to be a casual drinker. I just can't do it.

Thank you again for your support.

[2granddaughters]

MW, pretty well all my friends in AA came in as "introverts", scared as H#ii !!

Don't let your unfounded irrational fear keep you from getting your treatment.

Once you get to your first meeting you will be amazed at how good it is.
Each treatment session costs $1.00 and that includes free coffee !!

All the best.

Bob R

[awuh1]

MWarren, Many of us thought like you do right now. I remember many times feeling that it would be impossible to stop drinking, and in the beginning it was….. the first 100 or so times I stopped. What finally made a difference was admitting I had a problem so big that I could not handle it myself . Then I asked for help. I finally decided to listen to a bunch of people who had done it before me. Know it or not You did just that when you posted here on SR. That’s a beginning. NOW, listen to those who have been there. What did they do, how did they cope? You’ll hear all kinds of ideas. Some of the best are in the post that immediately follows yours. In order of importance I suggest 1.) you accept that you can no longer drink alcohol (weather you wish to call yourself an alcoholic is up to you). 2) check with our doctor to be sure your detox plan is SAFE (simply tell him how much you have been drinking and that you are going to quit). 3) IMO you need a method. RR, AA something. Going to AA may seem like the hardest thing you can imagine ever doing but I’d say there is a 95% chance that you will eventually say it’s one of the best things you have ever done. You’re going to get help in ways that you cannot now, even imagine. I know, I’ve been there.

[Hevyn]

Welcome MW! I had been drinking for 7 yrs. straight when I found SR. I was immediately calmed by the words I read here. I wasn't alone at all - and my anxiety became much less just knowing that.

Keep talking to us about your feelings. Emotionally, we're all over the place in the beginning. Everything will settle down, though. You're on your way to a whole new life.

[Dee74]

Hi and welcome Mwarren

I started off thinking what a great pain relief alcohol was too - until it started bringing its own pain with it....and then stopped working at all.

I know it's scary to stop - and yes it involves a lot of changes - my life totally revolved around alcohol - but we can and we do find a new life....a better one...even a more authentic one?

You'll find a lot of ideas and support here - glad you found us

[artsoul]

Welcome MWarren!

Denial (justification, rationalization, etc.) is a big part of addiction, so don't worry too much if it's hard to convince yourself on an emotional level that you're an alcoholic. It took me a while, long enough to be able to look back on my drinking and see what I was settling for.

The addicted part of me didn't want to quit (of course!) and even after I made the commitment, it kept bugging me, telling me "you're not THAT bad - you haven't had a DUI, you're still working and have a house, blah blah blah"..... I had to keep reminding myself of the "other facts" - the horrible hangovers, waking up dreading the day, etc...

Just know that you don't have to live like that anymore and things really will get better...... and we're all with you!

[instant]

Mwarren . I am glad you are starting to make changes. I was at a place where I knew it would end, and would get worse if I continued. The only choice we have is does it end happily or unhappily.

[ulverston]

im going thru the same thing .
but on top of that it has cost me my best friend and lover of 14 yrs.
it is killing me .i feel so alone on top of that i have a huge house to paint today 40 foot ladder work and im as shaky as hell.
just hope god will get me thru this day.
i laid in bed last night for 11 hours and never slept one moment...
this is torture like ive never experienced before and in the past it has been bad so bad ,but the crushing heartbreak on top is unbearable

[soberlicious]

Yes, it is very scary at first. I think you will find though, as so many have, that it is far far easier to live without alcohol than it is to barely exist with it. Getting through this part is hard, but you can do this, MWarren, you can reclaim your life and finally be free.

[Dee74]

Have you thought of other support Ulverston - I know you're hurting right now & I'm sorry for that, but it's probably actually the right time to find some help?

We can all use a helping hand sometime, yeah?

D

[KAMRIZ]

Originally Posted by MWarren

I’m really introverted and found it impossible to get to an AA meeting. Because that means admitting I’m an alcoholic. I can’t bring myself to do it.

Hi MW - I just want to speak to you saying you are introverted. My guess is most of the introverts who read this forum don't post as much as extroverted folks so I wanted to put in my two cents.

I am highly introverted, as you know that means we get our energy from ourselves, our thoughts, spiritual awareness, sitting alone spacing out, or whatever it is that makes us whole again after being around people all day. Being around people saps our energy after too long and we need a break.

For me it is difficult just to go to the mall, or a movie let alone sit in a room full of strangers. I tried AA and I would leave each meeting with remnants of other people's energy stuck to me like glue, and because much of that energy was not healthy...I would be mentally and emotionally exhausted every single time.

If you already know that AA isn't an option for you check out the Secular Recovery forum here, there are other routes you can take solo. Recovery using AVRT/Rational Recovery doesn't require using the "A" word either so double score for you.

Congrats on making a decision to change your life, that is an incredible accomplishment!

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by KAMRIZ

Hi MW - I just want to speak to you saying you are introverted. My guess is most of the introverts who read this forum don't post as much as extroverted folks so I wanted to put in my two cents.

I am highly introverted, as you know that means we get our energy from ourselves, our thoughts, spiritual awareness, sitting alone spacing out, or whatever it is that makes us whole again after being around people all day. Being around people saps our energy after too long and we need a break.

For me it is difficult just to go to the mall, or a movie let alone sit in a room full of strangers. I tried AA and I would leave each meeting with remnants of other people's energy stuck to me like glue, and because much of that energy was not healthy...I would be mentally and emotionally exhausted every single time.

If you already know that AA isn't an option for you check out the Secular Recovery forum here, there are other routes you can take solo. Recovery using AVRT/Rational Recovery doesn't require using the "A" word either so double score for you.

Congrats on making a decision to change your life, that is an incredible accomplishment!

I spent the last two years of my drinking career not even leaving the house...Except to buy more alcohol...Isolation was my friend. The first month in AA I was terrified to speak. But I couldn't keep living alone. It was fear for me....I was loaded with it. The fourth step in AA allowed me to take on my fears head on...I needed that. At six months I was chairing meetings and at nine months I was a guest speaker in front of 150 people....And I did it. I'm glad that program works for you...But I have to ask...How do you deal with being alone?

[KAMRIZ]

I'm not a recluse Sapling, I'm an introvert.

Not sure why you assume I'm alone but thanks for the giggle.

[Sapling]

Originally Posted by KAMRIZ

I am highly introverted, as you know that means we get our energy from ourselves, our thoughts, spiritual awareness, sitting alone spacing out, or whatever it is that makes us whole again after being around people all day. Being around people saps our energy after too long and we need a break.

For me it is difficult just to go to the mall, or a movie let alone sit in a room full of strangers.

This doesn't sound like fun to me. Maybe there is a medication for it.

[2granddaughters]

Originally Posted by ulverston

im going thru the same thing .
but on top of that it has cost me my best friend and lover of 14 yrs.
it is killing me .i feel so alone on top of that i have a huge house to paint today 40 foot ladder work and im as shaky as hell.
just hope god will get me thru this day.
i laid in bed last night for 11 hours and never slept one moment...
this is torture like ive never experienced before and in the past it has been bad so bad ,but the crushing heartbreak on top is unbearable

Are you going to AA meetings in TO ?

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

[Db1105]

Getting sober is tough to do by oneself. I hope you can find something to work for you.