Forever the Outsider

[paintedblack]

I need some advice & I feel like I am losing it.
I am fairly new to this site and a little over 4 months sober.
My addiction forced me to quit the job that I loved, end my 3 year (toxic) relationship, file for bankruptcy (losing my house & my car), and move back in with my parents (at 30) in a state 10 hours away from the one I had been living in for the past 8 years. I left all of my friends behind in the pursuit of a new beginning. I also had to give up my pets to my ex.

I am having a hard time coping with all of this.

I am in a new state where I feel like I don't fit in. Everyone here has southern accents and I feel like it is obvious I am an outsider as soon as I speak. I've been to AA meetings out here & I just feel like I don't fit in. I had a great AA support system where I lived before, with a home group and a sponsor. Since I have moved, she has stopped talking to me - even though I have made multiple attempts to contact her. I apologized to her in case I did something wrong. She finally responded saying she had been in the hospital and to call her the next day. I tried to call her three times after that and she never answered my calls.

I have been looking for a job for the last six months. What's left of my self esteem takes another blow with every rejection.

I am living with my parents again, which I have not done for the last 12 years. I know they are just trying to help keep me on track, but it feels so degrading to have them telling me what to do. My independence is gone.

I am heartbroken, even though I have realized that my relationship was unhealthy. I miss my "best friend", even though he had not acted like one for quite some time & was very manipulative throughout our relationship. I have cut all ties with him but he still tries to contact me every now and then, which just tears me apart because I obviously still have strong feelings for him. I know that we can't get back together.

I can't even think about the pets I lost. They were there for me through everything and now they are gone too. And knowing that I have to stay away from my ex means that I will never see them again.

I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel lost and alone. For the last week especially, I have been horribly depressed and broke down crying every day at some point or another. Some days the depression was so debilitating all I could do was lay on the couch in my pajamas. No TV, no music. Not eating well. My parents are worried sick about me. I'm worried sick about me. I am on Effexor for depression and Neurontin for anxiety. Neither seem to be helping at all. I know I need to see a dr but being unemployed and bankrupt I have neither the health insurance nor the funds to make that happen. It's hard to explain bc I know that I am depressed and want to overcome this so bad but I just can't. Today I had a decent productive day. My neighbor invited me out to a movie, which was nice, but it left me with that same feeling of being unable to relate to anyone and being so alone.

Please help

[loudog430]

I can't say I understand how you are feeling since I'm younger nor have I been in such an extreme and drastic change in lifestyle, but your message hits loud and clear.

But, while you have "lost" everything, you have also "gained" the ability to a new life. There was a lot back in that ld setting that will lead you back to that toxic lifestyle. Fortunately, you are back with your parents (be thankful you have them, since some people have no one).

You now have a chance an entire new life. Soon you will accept the change and will mold to it accordingly. In 6 months, you will feel blessed you could escape the chaos of that other life.

Are there any hobbies or skills you could utilize? Any volunteer work around the neighborhood you could do with your time off?

[Dee74]

I don't want to put anyone off but I drank for 20 years - my drinking defined me.

It probably took me a year of work on myself to discover who sober me and where I fit in...

Living sober is a skill like any other - it can take some time and practice

It wasn't a constant struggle for me tho - it got easier the more I did new things...

stick with it and keep moving forward - I think you'll find this is just a blip, not the way life will be forever

D

[instant]

Finding a healthy way forward will take work. I found my emotions to be a mess for three months and still very unstable until 6months. I think it is natural to have a feelings of loss.I was the problem not my situation. Getting into something F2F would be a good idea, and whilst it may seem inappropriate for me to say volunteering has a lot going for it that may address some of your issues.

[sugarbear1]

tryy reading the big book, call on your higher power. in 4 months you have some spiritual tools to add to your meetings, hopefully. get to a meeting & help a person who has a day clean....find another sponsor & take the steps. get phone numbers & use them.... you are still sober!

you can stay stopped!

[MustStop]

Very sorry to hear what you are going through, I've been going through something quite similar and writing everything down in a journal seems to help me through the tough times. Write down what was toxic about the relationship, you have to focus on the bad things and not the good (if any) and remind yourself why you made the changes that you made. Constantly remind yourself of this.

Then slowly start mapping out what you want from your new life, because just as folks here told me, we are rebuilding our lives after such devastation. Do projects, completely redo your resume, try making new versions of cover letters, apply for jobs in other area's. Then think of what kind of place you would like to rent or buy, what car you would like in the future.

The past is the past, it sucks I know, but the future is all yours and will be better with your sobriety. It just takes careful steps to get there.

All the best to you

[paintedblack]

Thanks loudog. Your screen name & picture instantly made me think, "playing with loudog's the only way to stay sane." Do you have a dalmation?
Anyway, thank-you for your post. You're right, I need to focus on what a blessing it is to be able to start over fresh. Not everyone has that opportunity. I know it will get better, but man, I have been pretty miserable here lately. I will be getting my driver's license here shortly & I think that will help a lot. I feel so monitored by my parent's lately. And you're right that I need to be more grateful that they are in my life. They want nothing but for me to be happy.
Your post has helped me to stop seeing tunnel vision and look at the big picture more.
Thanks so much!

[paintedblack]

Thanks Dee, I can relate to your post, as I have been using some chemical or another for the last 16 years. I am definitely having that identity crisis. Sometimes I can get so caught up in my emotions that it feels like the walls are caving in on me. This site has been so helpful because of all the great people like you that help to pull me out of my little bubble.
Thank-you!

[paintedblack]

Hi instant. What is F2F?
And you're right, volunteer work is good idea. I may consider that a little more once I have reliable transportation. Right now I am at the mercy of my parents and they both work so I am stuck at the house a lot. But that would look great on my resume'.
Thx for the advice!

[coffeenut]

Painted Black, Hi! Sobriety is what YOU make it. And, 4 months is pretty early, those emotions can run high.

Come to SR. A lot. Read everything you can get your hands on. There is lots out there to google if you run out.

Are you able to get outside and walk? Clears the mind.

Find the positive in your situation (I see a lot of it in your post)....and run with it.

I wish you the very best.

[paintedblack]

Sugarbear, thanks for the advice. I haven't found my big book yet, as it is packed in a box somewhere from moving. You're right though, I need to make that a priority. It has definitely helped me in the past.
I also think it would be helpful to get to a meeting and help another person in need. I was kind of turned off by the last meeting I went to. It's tough being in a new area. I came from a big city and this is a pretty small town in comparison. Everyone knows everyone at the meetings and I stand out like a sore thumb, being the newcomer. Like I said in my original post, I was pretty comfortable in the AA community in my old city. Here, everyone wants to offer me advice even when I haven't asked for it. Sometimes I just want to go to a meeting and hear the message for my own quiet reflection. Not be swarmed by people I don't know who think I am in crisis mode.
I guess all I can do is keep going and eventually they will get used to seeing me there.
Your post has helped give me the courage to go to another meeting. I think I will try to hit one today if I can.
Thanks!!

[paintedblack]

Yeah, that's a big one.
My ex is very manipulative and he sends me emails and texts that make me think about the good times. It makes me so mad because he broke my heart too and I am not rubbing that in his face like he is to me. I have completely stopped communicating with him because that is the kindest thing for us both and the only way I can move forward.
I keep thinking, "we could have been happy if....." And then I realize that the only way that could happen is if he completely changed who he was, and we all know that you can never change a person. He would have to do that on his own. And believe me, he had plenty of chances.
Thank you for sending me some strength. I really appreciate it!

[rochele]

Paintedblack, welcome.

On a practical note, are you on medicaid so that you have some sort of health insurance? being unemployed or out of a group home, etc... do you qualify for any disability at present(you do not have to remain on it). Just thinking practically about you having access to healthcare(for your physical and mental health).

It sounds like you have truly come so far, though you do not feel that way right now. Sober, new life, supportive family, but so much to do to as well. Having a license will help alot. Maybe you can find a different group for meetings where you feel more comfortable?

Welcome and I wish you all the best. We are here to listen.

rochele

[Wonderland]

I'm happy that you have parents to take you in and help you heal. You're in a new town, so it's a perfect opportunity to re-invent yourself, to become who you always wanted to be. Everyone in my town knows me, and knows that I am the famously sarcastic, beer-guzzling champ. Not exactly flattering! We are actually considering moving south, maybe once we get enough to money to actually pay bills here, lol
Have you looked on meetup.com to see if your new area has meetups for people new to the area, or for those in recovery?
I hope you have a great day!

[jocata]

Hi paintedblack. I've been in your situation before where I had to move back in with my parents after a relationship ended. It's very hard to do after you have had your independence for some time. They really were trying to help me. I was drinking daily at this time and within a few months I got my second and third DUI.

You can do this. Going to a new meeting in a new area is probably like going to a new school for the first time. It'll take some time to fit in, but you will.

Don't give up.

God bless.