Does anyone have this kind of social phobia while sober? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

AndreTT · 01-04-2012, 03:29 PM

I'm a 21 year-old who used to binge drink since 15 years old. Most of my social life (which was very active, but also poor quality) revolved around alcohol. From the year 2009 on I began losing friends, mostly due to petty, stupid quarrels and strife. I began to get resented at many people and chose to withdraw. It has been very painful, I always get this conflict inside me, "should I withdraw from this person or should I tolerate?"
Now in the beginning of 2012 my social life has been reduced to ZERO, I no longer have social activities. It is my decision to withdraw from people in this way. It is harsh decision I choose to make and I'm not sure about it.
But here is what happens, I live in a small town, and I really cant go out in the streets to do anything without bumping into someone that I know. And I CRINGE when it happens. I go out of my way several blocks just to avoid passing by some street that I may happen to meet someone that I know. It's worse when I meet someone and this person start talking with me, I feel like I'm gonna pass out, it's sooooo akward. Sometimes I pretend that I didn't see someone and rush off. I'm not afraid of talking to strangers, but I dread meeting people that I know. I even stopped going to relatives places and parties over a year ago. I even like some of my relatives, but I just dont have courage to talk to them.
I know that the root of this fear is the inferiority that I feel. I have felt similar things since early adolescence and even childhood, year before I took my first drink. Two tall beers and this feeling starts going away (a few more and I'm very talkative)...but I don't wanna use alcohol to medicate this anymore.

I'm gonna start working in a new job soon (maybe next week), after over a year of unemployment and stagnation, and I'm NOT very nervous about it. I dread meeting someone that I know and I'm not much nervous about a new job...

I keep dreaming about going away from here to another town and not having to see anyone that I know ever again. If I had the means to do this, I'd have done this so much time ago. I feel so resentful and broken-hearted by everyone.

Part of me thinks that there is something very wrong with me. I'm becoming a prisoner in my own town. I feel like I have to run-away, I feel "criminal-minded". i'm tired of praying that I will make it home without having to talk to anyone

Does anyone relate?

**Dee74** · 01-04-2012, 03:41 PM

Have you tried counselling/therapy Andre?

D

**artsoul** · 01-04-2012, 07:39 PM

If it's possible for you to do, I think a counselor would be a great idea. They could help you figure out whether you need help just with the social anxiety or if you have other things going on as well (like depression, family issues, etc.).

I still get some of the feelings you're talking about (and I'm more than twice your age!). I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm coming to realize I was forcing myself to be in social situations with people I really didn't relate to. I'm happier to have one friend that I can talk to one-on-one.

I had a terrible time accepting myself when I was your age. I think it's a lot more common than you realize. The problem with drinking, though, is that we don't grow emotionally. Instead of wrestling with and deal with the issues, we avoid them. So you probably have the same "stuff" going on now that you did when you were 15.

How long have you been sober, or are you still drinking? (Alcohol will only increase the anxiety and depression). I think it's very insightful of you to have these questions, really. I believe the measure of a person is their heart and not their popularity. Most of the time, those "confident" people are just doing a good job of covering their own vulnerability.

I'll bet there's a LOT of things that are great about you - nuture those things and practice being your own best friend. You deserve it!

sugarbear1 · 01-04-2012, 07:49 PM

Everyone I know in AA. Welcome home!

LaFemme · 01-04-2012, 08:53 PM

I think it sounds like professional help would be good for you

AndreTT · 01-05-2012, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee74

Have you tried counselling/therapy Andre?

D

No...

Quote:

Originally Posted by artsoul

If it's possible for you to do, I think a counselor would be a great idea. They could help you figure out whether you need help just with the social anxiety or if you have other things going on as well (like depression, family issues, etc.).

I still get some of the feelings you're talking about (and I'm more than twice your age!). I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm coming to realize I was forcing myself to be in social situations with people I really didn't relate to. I'm happier to have one friend that I can talk to one-on-one.

I had a terrible time accepting myself when I was your age. I think it's a lot more common than you realize. The problem with drinking, though, is that we don't grow emotionally. Instead of wrestling with and deal with the issues, we avoid them. So you probably have the same "stuff" going on now that you did when you were 15.

How long have you been sober, or are you still drinking? (Alcohol will only increase the anxiety and depression). I think it's very insightful of you to have these questions, really. I believe the measure of a person is their heart and not their popularity. Most of the time, those "confident" people are just doing a good job of covering their own vulnerability.

I'll bet there's a LOT of things that are great about you - nuture those things and practice being your own best friend. You deserve it!

After reading your post, I realized that I'm not the only one who feel this way.
I really have my head up my own ass...

The last time I drank was December, 30, 2011. I'm one of these people that look "confident" - with the help of alcohol. But this has got to stop. My whole lifestyle around alcohol needs to stop.

RachelNorth · 01-05-2012, 01:27 AM

Hi Andre, thanks for your post. I understand what you are saying. I live in a small town where I know most people. When sober I feel exactly as you do, cringe.. I usually go (or I should say USED to go!) into town most lunchtimes and straight to the pub, have one or two drinks then go to shops. I was fine then, chatting to everyone I met. trouble is I became the life and soul but only cos of my drinking. when I sobered up, after some time, it took a while to realise that I could still socialise, laugh, flirt etc when sober. It takes time. I admire your insight for someone so young. I agree with the other posts; someone to talk to can only help you on the right road for you. Good luck.

Fluffernutter · 01-05-2012, 06:26 PM

You just described me to the letter! You're definitely not alone, and counseling DOES help. AA has helped some too, since most people there are dealing with the same issues. Good luck!

***Anna*** · 01-05-2012, 06:43 PM

I had resentments against people when I stopped drinking. And, because of that I avoided certain friends and eventually lost one very good friend. As my recovery progressed and I worked through the resentments, I began to see things in perspective and that I played a role in the resentments, too.

I hope that you try some counselling. Journalling can help too, to get your feelings out.

slackie · 01-05-2012, 06:47 PM

The only reason I was ever social was while drinking. They call it "social lubricant"for a reason. When my drinking ceased, so did my need for social activities. AA does help a lot in that regard, as in it puts back in a social situation without the danger of relapse. But, yes, I'm a social phobe as well. It's hard to be yourself in front of strangers, when you dont know who yourself is.

Frankie12 · 01-06-2012, 12:01 AM

Hi Andre,
I definitely agree with those that suggested getting some professional help / therapy, if you have the means and the opportunity to do so.
As someone who has been seeing therapists on and off (mostly on) for the past 6 years, I can only highly recommend it.

But I also want to say this. You are only 21, congratulations on realizing so early in life that you don't want to live this life of addiction. You have your whole life ahead of you, this is a great time to take positive steps.

Keep us posted, please.

01-04-2012, 03:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
AndreTT Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 89 Blog Entries: 4	Does anyone have this kind of social phobia while sober? I'm a 21 year-old who used to binge drink since 15 years old. Most of my social life (which was very active, but also poor quality) revolved around alcohol. From the year 2009 on I began losing friends, mostly due to petty, stupid quarrels and strife. I began to get resented at many people and chose to withdraw. It has been very painful, I always get this conflict inside me, "should I withdraw from this person or should I tolerate?" Now in the beginning of 2012 my social life has been reduced to ZERO, I no longer have social activities. It is my decision to withdraw from people in this way. It is harsh decision I choose to make and I'm not sure about it. But here is what happens, I live in a small town, and I really cant go out in the streets to do anything without bumping into someone that I know. And I CRINGE when it happens. I go out of my way several blocks just to avoid passing by some street that I may happen to meet someone that I know. It's worse when I meet someone and this person start talking with me, I feel like I'm gonna pass out, it's sooooo akward. Sometimes I pretend that I didn't see someone and rush off. I'm not afraid of talking to strangers, but I dread meeting people that I know. I even stopped going to relatives places and parties over a year ago. I even like some of my relatives, but I just dont have courage to talk to them. I know that the root of this fear is the inferiority that I feel. I have felt similar things since early adolescence and even childhood, year before I took my first drink. Two tall beers and this feeling starts going away (a few more and I'm very talkative)...but I don't wanna use alcohol to medicate this anymore. I'm gonna start working in a new job soon (maybe next week), after over a year of unemployment and stagnation, and I'm NOT very nervous about it. I dread meeting someone that I know and I'm not much nervous about a new job... I keep dreaming about going away from here to another town and not having to see anyone that I know ever again. If I had the means to do this, I'd have done this so much time ago. I feel so resentful and broken-hearted by everyone. Part of me thinks that there is something very wrong with me. I'm becoming a prisoner in my own town. I feel like I have to run-away, I feel "criminal-minded". i'm tired of praying that I will make it home without having to talk to anyone Does anyone relate?

01-04-2012, 03:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 65,421	Have you tried counselling/therapy Andre? D __________________

01-04-2012, 07:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
sugarbear1 ~sb Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: MD Posts: 9,761	Everyone I know in AA. Welcome home! __________________ Someday everything will all make sense. For now, laugh at confusion, smile through tears, & remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. All Big Book quotes are from the first edition. Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

01-04-2012, 08:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
LaFemme Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: New England Posts: 5,285	I think it sounds like professional help would be good for you __________________ Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy! - Ren & Stimpy There is no room for fear in a grateful heart.

01-05-2012, 06:43 PM	#9 (permalink)
*Anna* Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 27,807	I had resentments against people when I stopped drinking. And, because of that I avoided certain friends and eventually lost one very good friend. As my recovery progressed and I worked through the resentments, I began to see things in perspective and that I played a role in the resentments, too. I hope that you try some counselling. Journalling can help too, to get your feelings out. __________________ Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Marianne Willianson

01-04-2012, 07:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
artsoul SR Fan Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Mississippi Posts: 7,576	If it's possible for you to do, I think a counselor would be a great idea. They could help you figure out whether you need help just with the social anxiety or if you have other things going on as well (like depression, family issues, etc.). I still get some of the feelings you're talking about (and I'm more than twice your age!). I used to think something was wrong with me, but I'm coming to realize I was forcing myself to be in social situations with people I really didn't relate to. I'm happier to have one friend that I can talk to one-on-one. I had a terrible time accepting myself when I was your age. I think it's a lot more common than you realize. The problem with drinking, though, is that we don't grow emotionally. Instead of wrestling with and deal with the issues, we avoid them. So you probably have the same "stuff" going on now that you did when you were 15. How long have you been sober, or are you still drinking? (Alcohol will only increase the anxiety and depression). I think it's very insightful of you to have these questions, really. I believe the measure of a person is their heart and not their popularity. Most of the time, those "confident" people are just doing a good job of covering their own vulnerability. I'll bet there's a LOT of things that are great about you - nuture those things and practice being your own best friend. You deserve it!

01-05-2012, 01:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
RachelNorth Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: North Yorkshire Posts: 81 Blog Entries: 1	Hi Andre, thanks for your post. I understand what you are saying. I live in a small town where I know most people. When sober I feel exactly as you do, cringe.. I usually go (or I should say USED to go!) into town most lunchtimes and straight to the pub, have one or two drinks then go to shops. I was fine then, chatting to everyone I met. trouble is I became the life and soul but only cos of my drinking. when I sobered up, after some time, it took a while to realise that I could still socialise, laugh, flirt etc when sober. It takes time. I admire your insight for someone so young. I agree with the other posts; someone to talk to can only help you on the right road for you. Good luck.

01-05-2012, 06:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
Fluffernutter Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 26	You just described me to the letter! You're definitely not alone, and counseling DOES help. AA has helped some too, since most people there are dealing with the same issues. Good luck!

01-05-2012, 06:47 PM	#10 (permalink)
slackie Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 26	The only reason I was ever social was while drinking. They call it "social lubricant"for a reason. When my drinking ceased, so did my need for social activities. AA does help a lot in that regard, as in it puts back in a social situation without the danger of relapse. But, yes, I'm a social phobe as well. It's hard to be yourself in front of strangers, when you dont know who yourself is.

01-06-2012, 12:01 AM	#11 (permalink)
Frankie12 Member Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Canada Posts: 153	Hi Andre, I definitely agree with those that suggested getting some professional help / therapy, if you have the means and the opportunity to do so. As someone who has been seeing therapists on and off (mostly on) for the past 6 years, I can only highly recommend it. But I also want to say this. You are only 21, congratulations on realizing so early in life that you don't want to live this life of addiction. You have your whole life ahead of you, this is a great time to take positive steps. Keep us posted, please.

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