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Talking myself out of it

Old 11-21-2011, 09:59 AM
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Talking myself out of it

Hi everyone. Today is my Day 15 and I am feeling pretty good. The weekend was rather hard. I had many opportunities to drink and I resisted the temptation but I kind of yo-yo'ed back and forth -- when the alcohol was right there in front of me and everyone else was drinking, I too would want a drink. But when I was all by myself or working or otherwise being productive, I was so glad I hadn't been drinking.

I've found through my slip-ups that when I'm on my own or with people I truly care about, I don't want to drink, but when I'm out and about and people are drinking, I feel uncomfortable not drinking. In the past I'd resist all temptation/ just stay home or find reasons not to go out, but then when I was at some event, I'd fail. This time I am making it despite quite a few opportunities and the reason is that I just talk to myself (like a crazy person, except in my head, or sometimes writing it out.) I tell myself that feelings and thoughts are temporary and fleeting, but my overall goal is sobriety, and I need to stay focused on that no matter what. I think of all the good things about sobriety and all the bad things about drinking, and I tell myself it isn't worth it. I know based on experience that in an hour or two, when I'm driving home sober in my car, I'll be feeling very elated, and happy and proud of myself for remaining sober. So I focus on that feeling that is to come, rather than the feeling of wanting to drink that is before me.

Sometimes I don't even want to drink but I feel kind of weird because my friends offer me a drink or look baffled when I don't take it, or even ask me why I'm not drinking and tell me why it's okay to have one. I know people will say not to put myself in situations where people are drinking but sometimes it's unavoidable. I don't want to be the spoilsport who never goes out and sees my friends. I'm not even talking about bars and clubs but just hanging out. Dinner with another couple, hanging out at my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend's apartment, going to watch a college championship soccer game (we won!! ) and hang out afterwards... I did all of this this weekend, which all involved alcohol being around/everyone but me drinking, even while cutting back on going out and while staying away from my normal drinking places and buddies. It just seems like alcohol is pervasive and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it somehow. So far I like my self-talk way, but I worry that I will get weak.

I am also really, really worried about New Year's Eve because I have never celebrated it without drinking, and everyone is epxecting me to drink: my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone. I hate feeling like a lame spoilsport, and I honestly do want to drink and dance and celebrate. I know it makes no sense because alcohol is bad for me, but it's about New Year's Eve that I think "it's okay to get drunk once in awhile, on special occassions when everyone else in the world is. You'll have gone months without drinking and this will be an okay time to take a little break."

Sorry for rambling, but I'm just trying to be honest about all the different thoughts I'm having. I am proud of myself for going 15 days and I feel confident that I can go for many more. However I worry what to do about new year's eve, which is silly, because it's pretty far away... it's just the one day I don't know how to handle, so it's the one day that's hard to talk myself out of.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:47 AM
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I understand how you feel. I did drink whenever for whatever reason toward the end of my drinking career but I'm just today starting to have the pangs and confused addict conversations in my head about drinking. I hate this part of recovery and trying to live a more healthy life. Also at the same time this exhausts me mentally. All this fighting to stay away from this situation or person or that.

All I can say is that the more we do the right thing the more natural it will become. Already we are in a better state of mind as we are drinking 90% less than we ever did. I give us a 10% error rate! LOL I too have to think about what the outcome of drinking will be. Swollen face, legs, hands, sweating, weight gain, body hurting, days of being afraid I'll do it again and never stop and just die. Oh I could go on and on... The worst part for me would be the relationship damage. I have plenty of reasons not to drink yet the addict voice is still at it.

It's just so frustrating!
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by 1undone View Post
I understand how you feel. I did drink whenever for whatever reason toward the end of my drinking career but I'm just today starting to have the pangs and confused addict conversations in my head about drinking. I hate this part of recovery and trying to live a more healthy life. Also at the same time this exhausts me mentally. All this fighting to stay away from this situation or person or that.

All I can say is that the more we do the right thing the more natural it will become. Already we are in a better state of mind as we are drinking 90% less than we ever did. I give us a 10% error rate! LOL I too have to think about what the outcome of drinking will be. Swollen face, legs, hands, sweating, weight gain, body hurting, days of being afraid I'll do it again and never stop and just die. Oh I could go on and on... The worst part for me would be the relationship damage. I have plenty of reasons not to drink yet the addict voice is still at it.

It's just so frustrating!
I wish recovery didn't involve such confusion and angst. I am enjoying the happier, healthier thoughts but not the torn thoughts about "why CAN'T I?" and "can I EVER?" etc. It's really nerve-wracking and feels like a constant struggle. If I could go off on a desserted island or stay at home forever, it would be so much easier. But I need to learn how to live in the real world without drinking. That is by far the hardest part for me.
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:22 PM
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[QUOTE=Pigtails;3178445 I hate feeling like a lame spoilsport."

[/QUOTE]

Sometimes we can be extremely judgemental in relation to these things pigtails. I never know when it's my addiction talking.

The fun ran out a long time ago for me. Otherwise I would not be here.



Ps obviously I am "lame" when it comes to use the quote function !!!
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
I wish recovery didn't involve such confusion and angst. ................................. constant struggle.
In my experience the "intense" mental experience subsided significantly at about 90 days. It is still there to a degree but I get a lot more peace these days.

I found distracting myself through noticing sensory experiences very helpful, in the first few months. It got me in touch with the part of me that does not speak/ use language.
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Old 11-21-2011, 12:29 PM
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I had a lot of trouble with this over many years.

The fact is I was a drinker for 20 years - a large part of me wanted to drink - I was addicted.

Putting me around other drinkers was, at best, a recipe for misery, and at worst...well...

But I need to learn how to live in the real world without drinking.
I get this - but who says you need to face this right now?

When I quit for good, I stayed at home until I knew nothing would shake my resolve.
I really wanted to be done.

I consider that time was a good investment.

I worked on myself, I thought about who I wanted to be....and without alcohol...I changed - when I did re-enter the social world, I wasn't the same person who left it.

That "why CAN'T I?" and "can I EVER?" stuff was resolved.

There's a lot of fun things you can do on weekends that don't involve alcohol.
If all friends do is drink, then maybe that's something else to look at, pigtails?

D
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:19 PM
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I'm with Dee 100% on this.

I would not be sober now if I had done what you're hoping/planning to do socially.

I haven't regretted for one second, any of the social events that I missed for the several months when I took care of myself. It was the best thing I could have done.
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:57 PM
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When I first got sober the thought of missing a night out, a hot date, or a big UFC fight scared me. I had no clue what I was supposed to do instead of hitting the town every weekend (my weekends were now Thur-Sun). I had to start thinking in terms of risk/reward and what sobriety meant to me. I had to acknowledge that to going out with drinking friends was risky towards my sobriety, and that the reward for "having fun" was not that much. I did struggle with being bored and lonely, but knew that I needed to make changes in my life if I wanted to end up ok.

Making sober friends and being able to talk/hangout without the drinking pressure was the best thing I did. AA is one of the best places to meet these people but I'm sure there are other ways to meet sober friends too nowadays. I would suggest making an effort to meeting atleast a couple sober people you can talk/text with. It has been a blessing that I can text probably 25 people right now if I have a question or am in a jam.

Doing the same things and being around the same people was not helping because it didn't take much peer pressure from drinkers to get me back off the wagon.
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:49 PM
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Honestly, if you really want this you will have to change what you do during your free time! Being around your drug of choice leads to temptation!!!
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:21 PM
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Well, I'm a big fan of creating distance between myself and my alcoholic voice.

For example, you said you're talking yourself out of it. I'd say that you are not torn on the subject at all. You know what drinking means, how it affects your life and your moods, and you know darn well that you are better off without it. Happier without it. And you know that will never change. You will always be better off without booze, forever and ever, amen.

That other voice—the one that tries to convince you a drink would make you happy, despite the fact you know it will more likely ruin your night, possibly your whole life—is not you. That's your addiction talking.

As for New Year's, it's just a day. If you could just drink once in a while, you wouldn't be here, right? And by the way, did you need booze to celebrate holidays when you were a kid? Of course not. You don't need it now, either. Besides, New Year's should have a very special meaning for you this year, precisely because you are not drinking.And which do you think is more important to your family and friends—that you have a drink with them, or that you live a long and happy life?

All this confusion is coming from the addict voice. It wants you think the choices are hard, when in fact they're incredibly simple. It will get easier. The voice will lose strength.

You're doing great. I would agree with the others about the risk of being around drinks early in recovery, though. It won't be a big deal later. Everyone will get used to you sipping on iced tea or hot cocoa. Including you.
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:38 PM
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Pigtail - I have had the same thoughts and I am going on Day 7. I managed to survive an out of town weekend wedding complete with limo service back and forth to hotel from reception so no one had to drink and drive. But I kept thinking about how bad i would feel the next morning and that it would not be not be worth it. My brother in law even bought me a bottle of my favorite wine and I said no thanks. It was hard as it was a very expensive bottle but I thanked him anyway and he said fine. People really don't care as much as we may think they do when we don't drink. Sure' I got lots of raised eyebrows but no one said a word. It was kind of fun watching everyone else act stupid and thinking that's how I would have been. Best of all, I was one of only 2 people out of 15 who actually made it down to breakfast on Sunday. Usually I was the one who could not get out of bed in the morning. Just keep reminding yourself how good you will feel if you don't do it.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
I had many opportunities to drink
Don't mean to be nitpicky here, Pigtails, but why are you putting yourself in situations where you have opportunities to drink when you are still so early in your sobriety?

IMO, that logic is sort of like trying to sleep in a room with the lights on and the blender running in an effort to learn to fall asleep easier.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by instant View Post
Sometimes we can be extremely judgemental in relation to these things pigtails. I never know when it's my addiction talking.

The fun ran out a long time ago for me. Otherwise I would not be here.



Ps obviously I am "lame" when it comes to use the quote function !!!
The fun didn't run out for me but I was starting to have some bad experiences that were catching up with the fun experiences. And it was an overall lifestyle change I desired to make.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just grown dependent on alcohol out of bad coping mechanisms, and if it's something I could correct. But then I wonder if that's my addiction thinking. It's really so confusing.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
what happened the LAST time you let go and got drunk? or the time before that? was it FUN? memorable?

see the big diff here is....new years eve, birthdays, holidays...for those "normal/non problem" drinkers, it's about the EVENT, not that the event is yet another chance to drink. in YOUR mind, it IS about drinking, it's ALL about drinking. you have a hard time imagined NOT drinking.

and to be honest, i doubt the other people are THAT worried about the party being spoiled is YOU don't drink. that's just your head talking. in reality, people don't spend that much time thinking about us as we'd like to believe!

if you choose not to drink, then it's thanks but no thanks, period. if you choose not to drink and you are uncomfortable around others who do, then don't go. the party will go on without you and the world will not end if you sit out a function or two.
The problem is that I have had many memorable/fun times drinking. I can look back and think of many things I did while drinking that I regret, but I can also look back and think of many times that were fun. I try to stay focused on the negative times so that I won't go back to drinking. But it's easy to let the good memories slip in.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by instant View Post
In my experience the "intense" mental experience subsided significantly at about 90 days. It is still there to a degree but I get a lot more peace these days.

I found distracting myself through noticing sensory experiences very helpful, in the first few months. It got me in touch with the part of me that does not speak/ use language.
I'm very happy to hear that it subsided at 90 days. I will keep going forward! Do you mind elaborating on how you noticed sensory experiences? I'm interested in this tip but don't really understand what you mean.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I had a lot of trouble with this over many years.

The fact is I was a drinker for 20 years - a large part of me wanted to drink - I was addicted.

Putting me around other drinkers was, at best, a recipe for misery, and at worst...well...



I get this - but who says you need to face this right now?

When I quit for good, I stayed at home until I knew nothing would shake my resolve.
I really wanted to be done.

I consider that time was a good investment.

I worked on myself, I thought about who I wanted to be....and without alcohol...I changed - when I did re-enter the social world, I wasn't the same person who left it.

That "why CAN'T I?" and "can I EVER?" stuff was resolved.

There's a lot of fun things you can do on weekends that don't involve alcohol.
If all friends do is drink, then maybe that's something else to look at, pigtails?

D
I get what you're saying, and I have cut out a lot of friends whose primary goal was drinking. For some, I had to do it on purpose to make it through, and for others, they just sort of fell off the face of the earth once I told them I wasn't drinking or failed to show at a few events that revolved around drinking. I just wasn't on their radar anymore.

My problem is family I can't "get rid of" and don't want to get rid of because I'm close to them but they drink fairly often, as well as friends who drink "normally" but want me to join them when they occasionally do something involving drinking. I don't know how to say "I want to see you but I don't want to be tempted to drink." Maybe I should jsut say that.

I would love to stay in for like a month but it seems impossible with all the holiday stuff going on, and even at work functions I'm pretty much required to attend because of my position, there's alcohol. I am really struggling with it right now and wish I could be on a desserted island.
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:58 PM
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Sometimes I wonder if I had just grown dependent on alcohol out of bad coping mechanisms, and if it's something I could correct.
A few years before I quit, before I entered what was the final phase of all out drinking for me, I wondered this too - I tried, very hard, to 'correct' what I hoped was a bad habit.

I couldn't.

I dunno, but I'm pretty sure you've tried too, Pigtails?

D
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I'm with Dee 100% on this.

I would not be sober now if I had done what you're hoping/planning to do socially.

I haven't regretted for one second, any of the social events that I missed for the several months when I took care of myself. It was the best thing I could have done.
I mainly stay in and take care of myself. However, my boyfriend and his brother/roommate drink so that's not always safe territory. Plus he'll invite me to something his friends are doing and they'll inevitably be drinking. I don't want to ask him not to drink for me, I don't think that's my decision (although I wish he wouldn't drink). I feel like it's not healthy to just stay home by myself even when my boyfriend is out with other couples... but then again drinking isn't healthy for me either.
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Old 11-21-2011, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Nirvana1 View Post
When I first got sober the thought of missing a night out, a hot date, or a big UFC fight scared me. I had no clue what I was supposed to do instead of hitting the town every weekend (my weekends were now Thur-Sun). I had to start thinking in terms of risk/reward and what sobriety meant to me. I had to acknowledge that to going out with drinking friends was risky towards my sobriety, and that the reward for "having fun" was not that much. I did struggle with being bored and lonely, but knew that I needed to make changes in my life if I wanted to end up ok.

Making sober friends and being able to talk/hangout without the drinking pressure was the best thing I did. AA is one of the best places to meet these people but I'm sure there are other ways to meet sober friends too nowadays. I would suggest making an effort to meeting atleast a couple sober people you can talk/text with. It has been a blessing that I can text probably 25 people right now if I have a question or am in a jam.

Doing the same things and being around the same people was not helping because it didn't take much peer pressure from drinkers to get me back off the wagon.
Thank you for this suggestion. I've been thinking I need to go to AA again to connect with other sober alcoholics. The entire program feels overwhelming to me but maybe I could just focus on the sober friends aspect of it. I agree it's helpful to talk to other sober people when I feel like drinking (which is why I come onto SR) and I have found a few really great sober people in AA who seem like they could become my friends if I just get out of my comfort zone and ask for what I want (friendship).
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Old 11-21-2011, 06:02 PM
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I don't know how to say "I want to see you but I don't want to be tempted to drink." Maybe I should just say that.
maybe. I get this time of year is hard - but any time of year is hard.

I knew if I drank again I would probably never stop again - that helped me sort out my priorities pretty much.

I get that you're not at the same stage, and that at least some part of you keeps coming back to drinking as an option.

If you've decided you *have* to go to these things - and only you can decide that, and if you don't want to make a big announcement, you're not leaving yourself very many options but grinning and bearing it.

It's hard - but I know that can be done too....it just won't be much fun for a while.

I thought you were going to AA...but in any case any support you can garner, I'd use it pigtails

D
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