Schwaber77

So I bought my wife an at home breath tester to try to regain some trust in case she questions if I'm drinking.

Do you think this was a good idea? Anybody else do the same?

Anna

No, even with my self-esteem very low at the time, I couldn't have done that.

It took time for me to regain my husband's trust, and I had to be patient.

Schwaber77

I know I am going to have be patient, I lied too many times and really hurt her emotionally. It's just today I had a long day at, it was a pleasant evening so I figured I'd hop on the motorcycle to relax a little.

Of course the ritual before was to ride for a hand full of miles and stop somewhere for a couple cocktails, maybe a bite to eat and continue riding. So today when told I was going to go for a ride, well, you know what she thought and I could sense it on the phone which why I stopped at the store to buy tester and to hopefully prove that I am serious about my sobriety.

I do think she thought it was a decent gesture and was relieved when I blew 0.00.

LexieCat

Um, it's not real healthy for either one of you to be testing your breath.

It may take some time to regain trust, but if your actions show that you are committed to recovery, it will go a lot further than blowing into a gadget.

EmeraldRose

I am not here to judge anything anyone does but I would personally think that on going trust would be better persueded through your actions and word.
But since I know neither of you...I'm curious how it works out in the longrun.

Zebra1275

I haven't heard of this technique before.

susanlauren

I don't like it. It sounds as if you are feeding into her co-dependency, and the roles of husband and wife have now become that of parent and child or that of parole officer and parolee. This does not strike me as a healthy dynamic. What is going to happen if the day comes when you drink again? Are you going to refuse to take the test? Are you going to become angry and storm off? Are you going to resent her for asking? Is there some deal between the two of you that you will enter a rehab program if you test positive? My take: You, and you alone, are responsible for your own recovery. Susan

MsCooterBrown

Well I have to stay with WHATEVER it takes to keep sober..do it. If this helps you by knowing the blow is waiting for you and it keeps you from drinking..so be it.

SwanSong

Seems like a minor detail to me. Like a weird looking tree at the entrance to a forest, the forest being your recovery. Honestly, I agree with Cooter - are you sober and working on your recovery? That's really what's important - not can you blow .00 -but if it helps you who am I to knock it? We each have our own little quirks and things we do in recovery that others may or may not do.

You bought, you gave it to her, she didn't react negatively. Ok, it's done. On to more important things

StPeteGrad

My wife didn't trust me either for a couple months but I wasn't getting sober for her. Now she tries to accuse me of cheating on her if she's feeling mean or spiteful when I get home from a meeting. I taught her that fear too. Trust is trust. We need to learn to have relationships on equal terms.

Schwaber77

Emerald-isn't this an action that would back up my word. Not meant to be an arguement, just asking because in my mind I do kind of see it as an action. She didn't know I was drinking at all for quite a while and when I finally broke down and told her the truth, she was shocked.

And for others that think this is unhealthy, I couldn't agree with you more and I imagine this will be a temporary thing until she's a somewhat conifident that my drinking is under control. I do believe, even though this is not healthy, it much healthier then drinking heavily and killing myself, my kids, friends and family seeing me drunk and wither away, lying to everyone, especially my wife, letting the important things in my life drift away and the list can go on and on.

Cooter/Swan-I tend to agree with you, this is a minor thing and if it helps me maintain sobriety, then it can't be bad.

WritingFromLife

I heard a story once about a man (who had been caught fooling around) who told his wife (who readily accepted) to check his cell phone every day. This reminds me of the same thing. IMHO, it doesn't work. For many reasons--for one, it is just messing around with a symptom. What matters is what is going on in both your heads and hearts--you being sober or not, and her trusting you. True trust has to be earned with everyday steps, gradually. You can't force it.

saphira

I guess I would say that if it works for the two of you, that's all that matters. I would say just to be careful that you're not focusing too much on making your wife trust you. For awhile I was so desperate that my husband trust me again and I wanted to quickly make things like they were before I started drinking. This resulted in me forgetting about my own path of what I need to do to stay sober. You would think it would help me stay sober, but I forgot all about looking inside myself and recovering for ME. I had to have a talk with my husband and explain that while I love him to death and want him to trust me again, I NEED to just follow my own path on this and hope that he'll be there to support me. I actually got a lot of advice from people here saying that I just need to deal with my stuff, and let him deal with his. Hopefully in the end we come out together.
Anyway...just something to be aware of. I don't know either of you, so like I said-- if it works, great! Just make sure you're doing this for YOU. My two cents.

EmeraldRose

You shouldn't have to back up your word. The trust gained should be genuine and unfaltering. It shouldn't have to be proven over an over although this gives her security, as susan mentioned what are the consequences ((if)) you fail?

Just saying.

Eddiebuckle

Schwaber,

I agree with the above posters. I don't think the meter is an evil thing, but don't confuse a 0.00 reading with sobriety. As a recovering alcoholic I now realize that not drinking is only the start. I do not need alcohol to act in the same destructive, delusional ways that brought me to my downfall.

That thing doesn't measure trustworthiness. You seem willing to prove your word is good, keep at it and congratulations on your continued sobriety.

bellakeller

Did she ask for an in-home breathalyzer thingie?

Remember that you wife is recovering too. It's not up to you to define her path.

Much love.

artsoul

Hi Schwaber - I understand the other viewpoints and agree with them in "principle," but don't see a problem with what you did - and I think your wife probably appreciated it. I'm sure it made you feel better, too.

If it becomes something she wants to do every time you come home, it would be different. Since it was your idea and you don't seem to be making her responsible for keeping you sober, I don't think it's a big deal - just a gesture, like you said.