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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
First timer
Hi
I found this site while searching for info on how to deal with being a non-drinker surrounded by drinkers. I drastically reduced my drinking due to an ulcer which thankfully is gone, but even a single drink makes my liver hurt (not looking for medical advice, just explaining why I've dried out). So for health reasons, I'm not drinking. I know myself well enough that one drink leads to two, etc etc.
However, I live in a city that isn't my home, and I don't know anyone here really besides girls I've dated, and I've been here for six years. I'm not outgoing, I'm standoffish, if anything. Polite and socially graceful when approached, but I'm a "in the background" kind of guy. The only person I know here is my current girlfriend, and her friends and family. My girl is GREAT, and for her own health issues which occurred at the same time as my own, she has opted to cut back her drinking also.
So what's the problem?
She's from here, and EXTREMELY social, and is always being invited by friends to go to bars downtown. So I go, I don't drink, but I sit there with zero desire to participate in conversations with drunk friends. To me, a bar is a place to which I went in order to meet women. So back in the day, I drink, social wall comes down, I'm Mr. Charming talking a lady's pants off. Now I get stuck going back to bars, but unable to drink for health reasons, and unwilling to drink because the mission was accomplished (that is, I found a woman). The bars were a means to an end. It feels unfair (as well as just being a HUGE drag) that I get stuck going to these places when I can't drink. I'm a very skilled daydreamer, so I can (and have) stare at a wall or the floor in a bar for hours, lost in my own thoughts, waiting for the ordeal to be over.
Any thoughts? I might be better off posting on a dating site than an AA site, I figured you folks would have way more experience.
I found this site while searching for info on how to deal with being a non-drinker surrounded by drinkers. I drastically reduced my drinking due to an ulcer which thankfully is gone, but even a single drink makes my liver hurt (not looking for medical advice, just explaining why I've dried out). So for health reasons, I'm not drinking. I know myself well enough that one drink leads to two, etc etc.
However, I live in a city that isn't my home, and I don't know anyone here really besides girls I've dated, and I've been here for six years. I'm not outgoing, I'm standoffish, if anything. Polite and socially graceful when approached, but I'm a "in the background" kind of guy. The only person I know here is my current girlfriend, and her friends and family. My girl is GREAT, and for her own health issues which occurred at the same time as my own, she has opted to cut back her drinking also.
So what's the problem?
She's from here, and EXTREMELY social, and is always being invited by friends to go to bars downtown. So I go, I don't drink, but I sit there with zero desire to participate in conversations with drunk friends. To me, a bar is a place to which I went in order to meet women. So back in the day, I drink, social wall comes down, I'm Mr. Charming talking a lady's pants off. Now I get stuck going back to bars, but unable to drink for health reasons, and unwilling to drink because the mission was accomplished (that is, I found a woman). The bars were a means to an end. It feels unfair (as well as just being a HUGE drag) that I get stuck going to these places when I can't drink. I'm a very skilled daydreamer, so I can (and have) stare at a wall or the floor in a bar for hours, lost in my own thoughts, waiting for the ordeal to be over.
Any thoughts? I might be better off posting on a dating site than an AA site, I figured you folks would have way more experience.
Last edited by boston019; 04-25-2011 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Grammatical tidying
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Welcome, and I'm glad you are living a sober life and taking care of your health.
Why don't you tell your girlfriend you don't want to go to bars anymore?
There are tons of other things to do that don't involve drinking.
Why don't you tell your girlfriend you don't want to go to bars anymore?
There are tons of other things to do that don't involve drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Discussing it is a tricky issue, which I have attempted in the past. I walk this fine line of not wanting her to view me as incompatible with her social life (which, given my aversion to alcohol, I am), but also knowing that I shouldn't get stuck sitting somewhere for hours daydreaming about scientific notation.
Is it misrepresentation to have employed alcohol for social purposes, only to realize that I don't enjoy the bar scene? If I met a woman at a grocery store, is the situation the same when, after dating for a few months, I say "I don't like grocery stores anymore, they're crowded and loud, I only go when I need food."?
Is it misrepresentation to have employed alcohol for social purposes, only to realize that I don't enjoy the bar scene? If I met a woman at a grocery store, is the situation the same when, after dating for a few months, I say "I don't like grocery stores anymore, they're crowded and loud, I only go when I need food."?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think the situation is the same as if my gf liked Monster Truck rallies and I didn't, or she liked stamp collecting conventions and I didn't...
Whether I used to like/enjoy them or not...I would think that needs to be talked out.
As Anna said, I've found there are other social opportunities besides bars - if your gf is trying to cut back her drinking too it makes sense to me to look for other venues....
I hope you and your gf can come to some consensus
D
Whether I used to like/enjoy them or not...I would think that needs to be talked out.
As Anna said, I've found there are other social opportunities besides bars - if your gf is trying to cut back her drinking too it makes sense to me to look for other venues....
I hope you and your gf can come to some consensus
D
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: planet of apes
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by boston019 
So I go, I don't drink, but I sit there with zero desire to participate in conversations with drunk friends..
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi boston and welcome! I think most non-drinkers (including us) find the bar scene pretty boring...... and not everyone is a social butterfly. Is there a way you could discuss a compromise? She could go out occasionally without you and the other times you could do something together you would prefer (go to a concert, movie, whatever?).
I understand you want her to be happy, but it should be a mutual give/take..... right?
I understand you want her to be happy, but it should be a mutual give/take..... right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
It's hard being a non-drinker in a drinkers' world. But that's what we are, whether we consider ourselves alcoholic or not.
The goal for me is to be able to do everything I need or want to do without drinking. On the need side is playing the role of a participating husband to a wife who drinks socially. It's not enough that I just show up-- I need to be active and engaged. This is not because she has mandated it, but because I believe it is my responsibility as her husband.
It is not easy. What I've discovered is that I can sabotage myself prior to these events with negative thinking. By the time I get there, I can be withdrawn and impatient.
These instances are less and less common, because I decided to make an effort to act my way to a better attitude. How do I do this? When I get to these events, I view the first 20 minutes as crucial. I must engage, get some people laughing, and participate. What happens is that people respond, engage with me, and it gets incredibly easy to have some fun sober. If I retreat in the beginning, I have a horrible time trying to recover and get animated again.
So, yes, I hear your discomfort completely. But rather than consider ways you can change your environment to suit the way you feel, why not try to change the way you feel about your environment?
The goal for me is to be able to do everything I need or want to do without drinking. On the need side is playing the role of a participating husband to a wife who drinks socially. It's not enough that I just show up-- I need to be active and engaged. This is not because she has mandated it, but because I believe it is my responsibility as her husband.
It is not easy. What I've discovered is that I can sabotage myself prior to these events with negative thinking. By the time I get there, I can be withdrawn and impatient.
These instances are less and less common, because I decided to make an effort to act my way to a better attitude. How do I do this? When I get to these events, I view the first 20 minutes as crucial. I must engage, get some people laughing, and participate. What happens is that people respond, engage with me, and it gets incredibly easy to have some fun sober. If I retreat in the beginning, I have a horrible time trying to recover and get animated again.
So, yes, I hear your discomfort completely. But rather than consider ways you can change your environment to suit the way you feel, why not try to change the way you feel about your environment?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Having been to a 6 week rehab and discussing everything from this to that...including feelings...it sounds like you are having a problem sharing how you feel with her and working out a compromise. I think someone mentioned that! LOL
One of my problems in my past relationship was that I wanted everything secure. I wanted everything and everybody to be happy I didn't want to rock the boat. That was a big mistake...and now I have learned otherwise. I should have been alittle more 'aggressive' with what I wanted.
You need to talk to her about this. I'm not sure if I understood...she does drink or not? Cutting back is still drinking and I know what happened when I cut back. LOL
One of my problems in my past relationship was that I wanted everything secure. I wanted everything and everybody to be happy I didn't want to rock the boat. That was a big mistake...and now I have learned otherwise. I should have been alittle more 'aggressive' with what I wanted.
You need to talk to her about this. I'm not sure if I understood...she does drink or not? Cutting back is still drinking and I know what happened when I cut back. LOL
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Thanks everyone! I'm going to try and use my wordsmithing abilities and attempt to negotiate an agreement. I agree with the assessment that it's more a relationship problem than an alcohol-use problem, but that's why I decided to post, I knew I'd get a different perspective from the alcohol-recovery community than from my own social network.
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