notaloser

Having a hard time dealing with my emotions now that I've been sober for a month. I feel mad right now because of something, and this is when I'd reach for the glass. It has occurred to me that I really haven't had many feelings in the last 2-3 years, partially from my AD and definetly from alcohol. Trying to convince myself that it's ok to feel. I feel mad.

Dee74

Hi Notaloser

yeah - it's ok to feel. I love feeling now - even the bad stuff.

It's a learning curve tho dealing with emotions without the aid of a glass.

I was amazed that emotions...passed...I actually got over things.
Sounds silly now, but that really was a revelation to me.

We can feel whatever we like - the important thing is commit yourself to not acting on those feelings in destructive ways.

If somethings made you angry - can you reasonably expect to fix the problem? is it your problem to fix? or do you have to work on accepting the fact you can't change this situation?

Some people find urge surfing is a useful technique. Check it out and see what you think, NAL...

Overcoming Life's Obstacles: Urge Surfing to beat addictions and cravings

Hope you feel better soon
D

coffeenut

It's okay to feel mad. It's okay to feel, period!

A huge congrats on your sober time! Keep coming back....especially when you're mad!

Nyte Byrd

Those first initial months were so awkward to go through emotions. Particularly the ones you speak of. Anger would be my trigger cause it would usually lead me to self pity some how and believing the lie that no one understood what I was going through.

But it was actually later I realized what was even worse.

When perfectionism began to kick in. And I began to think I wasn't 'supposed' to get angry. Then I'd get angry that I allowed myself to get angry.

Didn't leave me much time to be anything BUT angry.

I HAD to be the angriest person in the rooms of AA I went to for a spell. But I stuck with it. Not sure what changed but after some time, I at least stopped punching the tables when I shared and made others nervous around me. They even began to come sit next to me at meetings....on purpose.

It does get better. Hang in there.

Isaiah

Bizarre, isn't it? I was an emotional car crash even before I started drinking. Being thrown back into emotions again, without my drug to numb them, was a pretty big shock for me.

When I got sober I went straight into pretty intensive therapy. They relayed the same message people have said already: it's alright to have an emotion, they are signals that tell us about the world we're in. The only thing I wasn't required to do was experience them so sharply that they caused suffering or obsessing.

Something makes me mad now. I let myself feel mad, the trick is learning when it's the right time to let it go or bring it down a few notches. Not easy, but it's a skill that just takes practice.

ISPYSOBRIETY

Emotions are a part of life, so let them back in and let the emotion 'grand central station' happen. Before long, they will taper into the regular normal feelings all humans have as we live our lives. They may seem a little foreign for now, but that will fade, I'm sure.

At about a month without drinking, I did feel a little emotionally mixed up too. Odd. Then again, on weekends and nights when I drank, I felt emotional too, but I think that was because of the depressing feelings alcohol brought about, mixed with my internal unhappiness for drinking like I did.

In any case, it all tapered off to how I feel today, which is perfectly fine. No more roller coaster rides, just smooth sailing. Most of which is probably due to the feeling that self-control gave me. At 4-5 weeks all that was left were feelings of accomplishment, knowing I made it.

Let them settle into place and you will be so fine!

Antiderivative

When you put the plug in the jug, you have to deal with that three letter: YOU.

It took me awhile to realize this, but I used alcohol to escape. Even early on when alcohol was fun, I was escaping reality for a more enjoyable alcohol induced one. Then my alcoholism progressed to where I was using it as a crutch and a coping mechanism.

Learning how to live with yourself in a sober environment takes some time and practice. You may be experiencing new emotions or old emotions in a different manner. As you said, you haven't had that many feelings in the past 2-3 years.

This is a new experience for you and there is a learning curve. You are like a new pirate who hasn't gotten your sea legs. It takes a little time and effort to adjust to your new life, but it typically gets easier with practice, being gentle to yourself, and allowing some time to adjust. As the saying go, this too shall pass.

Ghostly

What others have written above pretty much sums it up. I'll just echo that it will take some time to get used to the emotions, and for you to adjust to living without alcohol.

You're doin great. Congrats on the month!

Nyte Byrd

Posted this on another thread on a different forum board somewhere. Thought I'd add it here too. There is a part that discusses emotions during first year that may be helpful. Sorry I don't have a URL to plug in. A long read, so at your leisure.

Clean and Sober - (Article written by an Addiction Therapist)


Getting sober is easy. Most alcoholics and addicts have done it dozens of times. It's
staying sober over the long haul, living one day at a time for years, that's hard. It's the
part that takes courage. "Staying sober," says one recovering alcoholic I know, "is not for weaklings." Alcoholics Anonymous, the oldest and largest of the 12-step programs (based on AA's 12 steps to recovery), figures that one-half to two-thirds of its members are men and women who have gone through the pain of getting sober and now would like to know more about what they're in for. They have questions: What is this sobriety business all about anyway? Can I really change? How will sobriety affect my everyday life? What about work? How are my family members going to react? Will my finances ever get straightened out? These questions need some good answers.

The men you'll read about here are involved in Alcoholics Anonymous or one of its spinoffs, including Cocaine Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Such men are easy to find, eager to talk, and their definitions of terms like "alcoholic", "alcoholism," "sobriety," and "relapse" tend to be consistent.

However, AA isn't the only way to go. You can always find men who have achieved and maintained sobriety in other ways. The truth is, any man who stops drinking and using has a chance to turn his life around. But it has been my experience as an addiction psychotherapist, working for many years with many recovering people, that the men and women who are involved in a 12-step program seem to have more fun, get more done and get it done faster. For them, the anonymous group acts as a kind of greenhouse - it speeds things up.

The guy who thinks that being clean and sober won't change anything in his life is in for a shock - the first of many. What he soon discovers is that chemicals have affected every area of his life, and so will sobriety. Before he's through, no stone in his universe will go unturned. It's part of what makes the journey rough, and what drives the weaker men back to the bars.

When a man starts drinking and drugging (he may have started as young as age nine or 10), he falls into a kind of developmental time warp from which, like Rip Van Winkle, he doesn't emerge until he gets sober. He wakes up to find that his body has matured but his emotions haven't. Now he's got to play catch-up. Even if he's 40, he's still got to go through being 15 again! This phase is uncomfortable, even painful, but it can't be sidestepped or skipped. As Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt therapy, once said, "The only way out is "through." The recovering man will simply have to hold his breath and walk right through it.

One Month to to One Year Sober - (SOBER - Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real)

New comers are clueless about feelings. If you ask one of them if he's happy, sad, mad or glad, he doesn't know. He'll make something up. Usually his answer is, "I'm fine." But he's not. He's on an emotional roller coaster, flying high one minute and feeling depressed the next. Sometimes his feelings have nothing to do with what's going on. In some cases, it's biochemical - he's still detoxing.

When he steps out into the Real World, the recovering alcoholic is suddenly faced with the unnerving task of handling everyday life sober. Each familiar task is now a hurdle. There's the first time he's home alone with no one watching him. Then there's the first day back at work, the first business lunch, the first Monday night football game on TV, the first party, the first date, the first sexual encounter. Each of these 'firsts' has struck down some very fine men, so getting through them, one by one, deserves a medal.

Along with the 'firsts' comes the 'shocks'. Among them are:

1) Not everybody in the Real World is as supportive as they were in the treatment center;
2) one's peers begin to relapse right after discharge;
3) the cravings for chemicals don't always go away and stay away;
4) loved ones sometimes try to sabotage sobriety;
5) not all love interests find a sober man sexy;
6) feelings hurt;
7) sometimes it's uncomfortable to walk into an AA meeting alone;
8) it gets easier to come up with "reasons" for not going to AA meetings;
9) cliches like "work the program," "live one day at a time." "easy does it," "first things first," and "use the phone" are easier said than done, and
10) sobriety is hard work.

About three months into sobriety, feelings hit with a vengeance. Until now, the newcomer has been so busy being dedicated to sobriety that he hasn't had time to pay attention to what's been going on in his gut. He thinks he's been through the worst of it, that from here on sobriety is going to be a snap. He congratulates himself for getting through it. Then all of a sudden - whammo! - he gets hit with a lifetime of stuffed emotions, the hurt, grief, longing, fear, humiliation, rage, even joy, and he's knocked for a loop. The honeymoon is over.

A lot of men don't make it through. "The more technical term for this highly emotional
phase of sobriety is 'the post-acute-withdrawal syndrome,' or the 'post-drug-impairment syndrome.' says psychiatrist Paul Grossman, a Los Angeles addiction specialist.
"So when a guy calls me up in a panic and asks, 'What's wrong? Am I crazy?' I'll say to him, 'You're having a feeling, aren't you? Well, don't worry, it's normal. You've got post-acute-withdrawal syndrome, that's all,' and it sounds so nice and technical that the man feels instantly reassured."

One "feeling" very common to this phase of recovery is anxiety. Old-timers love to say: "If you're anxious it means you're either doing something you shouldn't be doing, or you're not doing something you should be doing." The new man is supposed to go figure out which it is, and fix it. But chances are he doesn't appreciate the wisdom of the remark, because he's still convinced he can outsmart universal laws. He thinks he can skip work, write bad checks, sleep with his neighbor's wife, forget about his kid's baseball game - and not suffer any consequences. Then he'll say, "Gee, yesterday I had an anxiety attack, and I have no idea what caused it."

Only later on in his sobriety does he finally come up with an astounding concept: How he feels is directly related to what he does. If he does bad, he feels bad. He he does good, he feels good.

Once the sober man stops being a space cadet, between six months and one year into his program, people in his life actually want to sit down and talk to him - his kids, his boss, his wife, his current love interest, his best friend. They want to tell him how they feel. Now, for the man who for years has been thorouhly self-obsessed, this isn't an exciting prospect. But by the end of his first year, the recovering man knows that running away from other people's feelings as well as his own doesn't work. He's tried it. So now he's more likely to sit tight, grit his teeth and let the discussion of feelings begin.

One to Two Years Sober

While the first year is about getting sober and staying sober, the second year is about living sober. The recovering alcoholic is supposed to go forth into the world and put what he's learned into practice: "Go walk like you talk," he's told. "Don't just talk about honesty, live honestly."

The reason for taking action - changing destructive habits he's indulged for a lifetime - soon becomes obvious: The ones who don't do it get loaded again, and sometimes they die. When it finally happens to somebody he knows, it occurs to him that maybe he's not bulletproof after all. He gets into action fast. He even becomes a fanatic about it, which many experts fel is an absolute necessity at this stage.

"The recovering alcoholic can't be casual about sobriety," Grossman says. "Alcohol and drugs are such powerful medicines that he has to fight with something equally powerful and strong. He has to become a zealot with a religious fervor. When he can become a raving lunatic about sobriety, then maybe he has a chance."

Being a sobriety fanatic may take different forms. The man may attend 20 12-step meetings a week; he may turn into a cliche-spouting robot; he may become so intense he loses his sense of humor. Most fanatics do. ( He gets it back eventually.) Friends and family tell him to "lighten up," which he hears as their not being supportive of his sobriety. He feels safer inside AA's walls. Yet the first time somebody suggests to him (and they will) that he's using AA as a "crutch," he flips out, because down deep he believes it. He tells his sponsor, "If I were really a tough guy, I could do this on my own." His sponsor tells him, "A crutch is a vehicle of motion to get you from one place to another until you can get there on your own," and he feels better.

The recovering man in his second year hears over and over, "We're only as sick as our secrets," and he's full of secrets. He won't talk. He still insists, "I'm fine," What are his secrets? The usual: He's eating too much ice cream and he's getting fat. He's obsessed with somebody "inappropriate" for him. He's late to work. He doesn't know why he gets all choked up whenever he hears a man talk about his father. And then there's his secret about sex: For months he's been impotent. He can understand that sort of thing happening before sobriety, but after? What gives? Finally, at an AA men's meeting, he hears another man complaining about the same thing, and he's reassured. He learns that impotence happens to a lot of guys in the beginning, and it's usually temporary. Not to worry. Whew! He's relieved. But would he ask anybody about it directly? No way!

One of the nicer things that happens to a recovering alcoholic man in the second year is the work he begins to do on his character. Here's an experience that one man, Ramon, had at 18 months of sobriety: "It was the day before payday, and I was down to my $1.79. I was hungry, but I was trying to learn to live on my salary, so I wasn't going to borrow. I went to a takeout place. What I wanted was two burritos and a Coke, but I only had enough money for one burrito and a Coke, so that's what I ordered. I paid for it up front. When my order came, there were two burritos in the bag, so I had a debate with myself: Should I tell him he'd given me two burritos? Then I decided that since I'm trying to work an honest AA program, I'd have to tell him - even though I didn't want to. "Hey, you gave me two burritos and I ordered only one," I said. "It's my mistake." the cook said, "so you can keep it."

Two to Three Years Sober -

By the time the man hits two, he's in a groove. He's beginning to enjoy his seniority, because by now lots of people have come into sobriety after him. He may even be helping a few of them.

"Taking action" - the 12-step program's term for behavior that's responsible and compassionate - has becme second nature to him. He's working, he's busier than ever, he's fitting more and more activities into his schedule - maybe too many. He's looking good, too. He may have joined a gym, or started jogging, or quit smoking.

In fact, all dressed up in a clean shirt and self-assured from many talks from AA podiums, the two-to-three year man looks so good and sounds so good, he's dangerous. If he's single, he's even more of a risk, because the truth is, he still doesn't know himself. He intellectualizes. He can talk with his partner until dawn about relationships, spirituality and the nature of the universe. He can say, for example, "We have to be honest with each other about what we want," but when the time actually comes to ask for something he wants (like a night off to stay home by himself), he can't do it: "What if I hurt her feelings?" He ignores his gut. He still thinks feelings are abnormal and out to get him.

But he keeps making improvements. He does listen. He is kinder than he used to be, and much less defensive. He can admit when he's wrong (sometimes). And he can say he's sorry (sometimes). All in all, he's sort of nice to have around.

Three to Four Years Sober -

By three years of sobriety, the recovering addict has been through, and survived a lot. Many things along the way could have brought him down - a relationship, a job change, a chance meeting with an old drug connection, a death, a financial crisis, a heart problem - but they didn't. He got through each one of them, and he survived.

Life is going pretty smoothly. He's comfortable in the program, he's "worked" the steps, he's "bonded" with friends, some of whom he'll probably have for life (if they, and he, stay sober). On the whole, he's feeling wonderful and he's proud of himself.

On the negative side, he's starting to get critical of others. Instead of being grateful just to be alive, he wonders to himself, "Is this all there is?" He's beginning to believe that he's got this program licked, which justifies slacking off on the basics. "I feel so good, I don't need to go to meetings." When old-timers look for the warning signs of impending relapse, these are the "red flags" they notice first.

Up until now, the three-to-four year man has been harboring a childlike view of sobriety. "If I'm good, I'll be rewarded." It blows up in his face. Life, he discovers, has its limitations. Like everybody else, he has good days and bad days, ups and downs. Sobriety doesn't fix everything. nor does it automatically mean he's going to get what he wants. He feels disillusioned, even depressed, which is another red flag because it can evolve into "reasons" for drinking. He asks himself, "If sobriety, like virtue, is its own reward, is that enough?" He doesn't even realize that for somebody whose life was so recently in the toilet, that's an arrogant question.

Seeing these red flags will alert old-timers that the new man is in danger. One sponsor, who'd been trying the gentle approach with one of these guys, but to no avail, finally shouted in his ear, "Damn it! You're going to drink!" The man got scared enough to pay attention. It saved his life.

Four to Five Years Sober -

Between the fourth and fifth years, the dropout rate is alarming. This is the year that separates the men from the boys.

The ones who dropout are the ones who simply don't know they aren't as wise as they think they are. The wise recoverng alcoholic, who knows he's human, foolish and vulnerable, takes steps to protect himself; the foolish recovering alcoholic, who thinks he's wise and invincible, doesn't. He usually gets shot down.

The men who are left after the foolish ones depart have the "right stuff" to continue the journey. They're prepared for the rigors of the fift year, which some people call the "spiritual" year. Said one recovering man, "For me, spirituality means ethical behavior. I have to walk the way I talk. I have to be faithful to my woman and honest in all daily activities. When I do that, I feel better. That's why I do it."

By his fourth birthday the man has putout most of the major fires in his life, has recommitted himself to his program, and now is able to turn his attention to some of the philosophical questions he's been putting off. Maybe they're things he hasn't even dared consider until now. What is the meaning of life? What work do I really want to do? What's my mission? What are the priorities in my life? Which of my relationships are of value to me? Which are not? What do I intend to do about the ones that are not? Do I really believe in God?

Today, it's quality living the man is after, not just squeaking by. The push in AA encourages each man to follow his dream. Maybe no one in his life has ever done that before.

Secrets of Long-Term Sobriety -

Some AA members have been sober for almost as long as AA has been in existence,
over 60 years. One thing they learned along the way is eternal vigilance. No matter how many of those one-day-at-a-times they've managed to string together, the AA Big Book says, "The time will come when nothing can stop you from the first drink." The old-timers train for that moment.

How can a man prepare for it? What should he do to prevent a relapse? Old-timers poin tto three basic "secrets to success":

1) Keep going to meetings;
2) Live one day at a time; and
3) Work with others.

There are more, but those are the basics.

Usually the first thing a man who lost his sobriety will tell you is that he stopped going to meetings. The hearing phenomenon of "one drunk talking to another" is the most important discovery its founders made. It's that simple. When one drunk talks to another, both are healed. So when one of them stop going to meetings and stops talking he cuts himself off from the support group, and he relapses.

The next thing, the idea of living one day at a time, is a hard concept to get at first, but what it means is that instead of getting overwhelmed by the tasks facing us, we need to break everything down into manageable segments - one segment at a time, one task at a time, one day at a time. A man can handle almost anything for a day - a bad marriage, an awful job, even prison. So don't project down the road into the future. Just do what's in front of you today.

And finally, there's working with others, or doing "service." The 12-step philosphy involves a paradox: "You can't keep it unless you give it away." If the man expects to keep his sobriety, in other words, he has to be willing to help somebody else just as he was helped. The chain continues. It's the chain that was started over 60 years ago by two men in Ohio and has grown to over 2 million people around the world.

"Of course, the real secret of long-term sobriety," says one old guy who has been sober over 50 years, "is you just outlast them!"

notaloser

Thank you Nyte, Ghostly, Anti, Ispy, Isaiah, Coffee, and Dee

I went to bed still mad. But felt better when I woke up (sober). I definetly feel like I am being slammed with emotions, that I am not used to having to feel and work thru. Alcohol certainly numbed them, didn't help me work thru them, but definetly made them less painful/prominent. That "honeymoon" is over. I must feel and deal with them. I feel a bit wako these days, like right now, I feel like crying. WTH is up with that?? I even took my feelings to the treadmill, I suppose it helped a little. Feeling is hard.
Sounds stupid.


"Emotions are a part of life, so let them back in and let the emotion 'grand central station' happen. Before long, they will taper into the regular normal feelings all humans have as we live our lives. They may seem a little foreign for now, but that will fade, I'm sure."

Gosh I hope they do fade, they are making me uncomfortable.

Learning how to live with yourself in a sober environment takes some time and practice. You may be experiencing new emotions or old emotions in a different manner. As you said, you haven't had that many feelings in the past 2-3 years.

"This is a new experience for you and there is a learning curve. You are like a new pirate who hasn't gotten your sea legs. It takes a little time and effort to adjust to your new life, but it typically gets easier with practice, being gentle to yourself, and allowing some time to adjust. As the saying go, this too shall pass."

My husband thinks I'm "cold" (not in a mean way) cause I never cry at sad movie, while he weeps like a baby. Wonder if I'll turn into a cryer??

I am honestly scared of my emotions.

Dee74

I think we go through a period of change and upheaval NAL....

some of us do become over emotional and some of us react not at all like we used to - but it's not a permanent change - I settled down to some kind of 'normal' level in the 60-90 days period....you might be quicker, who knows?

D

wichitalineman

There has been some great advice on this thread. I realized a few months into sobriety that I was _really_ aware of my emotions. Being aware allowed me to at least know that I could start to work on them and get thru them. For myself, about 5 or 6 months into sobriety, I was able to feel very intense emotions and not have them throw me all off. I might need to take a time out, or a brief walk or something else appropriate for the situation, but it does get better.

Bamboozle

I feel like that at times...I know the reason I feel like that was because booze was an escape...and wow, did I want to escape today.

It's a feeling that passes. Positive distractions help. Go for a walk, play a game, read, watch a fun movie...anything to shift the attention to something else.

I just got home from work and came to SR because I'm pissed off...work sucks. I'll read here for a bit, post a bit and then I'll do something else. I'll cope in healthy ways.

Congrats on your sober time.

bettterlife4me

Notaloser - I am also about a month sober and my emotions are all over the place. I'm not used to experiencing all these feelings and not sure quite what to do with all of them.

Right now I am mentally telling them "take a number" - I can't handle all of you at one time!

I am going to try meditation to help deal with all the random thoughts and emotions. I have never tried meditation - I don't sit still easily - I'm always on the move and patience was never my forte even when drinking so should be an interesting endeavor.

Hang in there. From what I hear it gets better

notaloser

tonight I feel annoyed...annoyed at myself, annoyed at other people, annoyed at many things....but I suppose thats normal. I was also sad, anxious, frustrated and tired today.

For what its worth I did feel happy today too

Hello, roller coaster? can we slow down a bit????

Maryjan

Sounds stressful...hang in there! With all the emotions, maybe tomorrow will be filled with peacefulness...?

Lando

Notaloser, I'm also in my first month of sobriety, 27 days. The part about the "developmental timewarp" in the article Nyte Byrd posted seems to be true for a good share of us. I started using drugs when I was in my teens and started drinking in my early 20's. That makes me about 15 yrs old emotionally I think.
One of my biggest complaints, yes complaint - an emotional thing, is that I now get to feel EVERY F'ING thing there is. Physical and emotional. So, here I sit dealing with emotions I've tried drowning in a bottle for the past 25 plus yrs. Not fun being 15 yrs old in a 48 yr old body. But the alternative, drinking or using, is no longer an option. I don't want to die and I don't want to cause the people I love and respect any more of the bad emotions they had to endure because of my drinking.
I think I can even begin to enjoy these feelings,good and bad, at some point. I do feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. I also feel I can handle them because I have support from my SO, my sponsor and my family. I don't have to be afraid or too stubborn to ask for help when I can't deal with the feelings. I do have to say that it would be nice if they got in line and stopped bombarding me all at once. But it's life and this is happening because I have a lot of crap to clean up after myself because of drinking.
Someone at a meeting told me that the feeling I'm having right now at this very moment is temporary. If I can learn to deal with that feeling and all the others that come after it, my sobriety can be forever.
I guess all I can offer is that I'm in the same rocky, emotional boat that you are. You are not alone and I'm very sure there are lots more of us in that same boat.
Stay strong.

reggiewayne

Good job on a month sober notaloser. I have had up and down emotions over the past month as well. Drinking will not make anything better. I have tried to keep in mind that how I feel (good, bad, or whatever) means very little in the grand scheme of things. It's much more important what I do. I try and stay active in recovery (even when I don't want to). I find it's much easier to change my actions rather than change my feelings. If my actions are right, my feelings normally follow. But sometimes we just get in bad moods. Sometimes we are wronged by others and the feelings are justified. What I try and remember is by holding on to anger and resintments it ONLY HURTS ME.

Hang in there, you're doing great!

notaloser

Thank you again for all your support it's been tiring dealing with all these emotions and my lack of being able to concentrate...I am repeatedly reading all the resources left here They do help. The PAWS thing really strikes a cord with me. I also feel upset that I basicallly did this to myself with my drinking, the AD well that was for postpartum, can't blame myself for that one, and can't wait to be free of that as well, tapering is also affecting my concentration. Just want to be me, swiss cheese brain and all.

gegenschein

Hi everyone-- I realize that this thread is very old, but I found it today through a Google search. It was just what I needed today and inspired me to join Soberrecovery.com. I'm on the new-found emotional roller coaster, but all your thoughts posted here have been very helpful, so I wanted to thank everyone who participated in this thread.