Day 1...
September 28th 2010...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 47
Day 1... Hi all.
I'm new here. I needed to find a place for support that fit with my belief system. Hoping this one will be what I'm looking for.
I quit drinking April 19th, not knowing I was an alcoholic, so that I could lose some weight that I had regained following my Gastic Bypass surgery 3 years prior. I knew I had some issues burying problems with alcohol, and with drinking to excess, but had no idea it had progressed as far as it did... I was fine off the stuff, and was happier than I'd been in a long, long time. Not just because of the weight loss, but because I was learning to deal with things sans alcohol. I thought I had it all figured out - just avoid alcohol to deal with problems, but still drink in celebration...
As it turned out, I lost nearly 30 pounds, and decided to 'gift' myself with a glass of wine somewhere around the beginning of June. That began an all-out binge fest that lasted until I passed out in the powder room from binge drinking and mild alcohol poisoning. I decided at that point I was an alcoholic, and quit the next day (June 17th).
At the urging of my counsellor, I went to an AA meeting a few days later, and felt *very* out of place. I am Agnostic/bordering on Atheist, and was made very uncomfortable by the constant: "We do not subscribe to any religion, yet we will continually reference God, and tell you you have no power and have to give it all to someone you don't believe in... or maybe your spirit *winkwink* or even an inanimate object *rolleyes*" stuff, but what if you have no religion, and don't believe in a higher power? I had so much trouble with the steps -I couldn't get past step 1, because it was wrong - and how can I work a program that I feel has a fundamental flaw in it? Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I am stronger than my addiction, but I *CAN* be smarter than it. Needless to say, I allowed my addiction to take hold again, as I felt so alone in this - I felt nobody would help me until or unless I admitted there was a God, gave everything to Him, and converted!
See, I DO understand addiction - I became sober from nicotine 9 years ago with this philosophy, and needed no 'higher power' to do so, other than my own sense of self and the knowledge I found at an online group that helped save my life then. I expressed this at my (third? fourth?) AA meeting, and was laughed at, told that 'addiction to smoking' was not as 'bad' as alcohol. Well, YES it WAS. it killed my father, and it was well on its way to doing the same to me. It had a hold on me like no other drug - even alcohol. I felt snubbed, and that near everyone in that room was a hypocrite. That's right - a hypocrite. They talked so much about how they had conquered 'their demon', but then went right outside and smoked themselves silly... with *MY* demon... *sigh*. It's to me like taking advice/getting support from a counsellor that has personality disorders, and mental illnesses out the yang. I just *couldn't* deal with this and allowed myself to relapse at the beginning of July.
So now it's almost 3 months later, and I have been on a near-constant binge until yesterday, when I decided enough was enough - I don't like how I feel when I drink, I usually just get miserable/sick/sleepy/angry, and can't remember anything anymore. SO NOT fun. Plus, all my mad money (and some house money...) has all been going to buy something that does me NO good. I finally had to realize this was not something I could 'moderate'. It doesn't matter that:
-I don't experience much (if any) withdrawal
-I am fine without it, once I get away from it for a few days, that is...
-I *used* to be able to drink 'normally' - I cannot anymore.
And many other multitudes of reasons I'm sure I can come up with. The bottom line is, just because I am 'not as addicted' as other alcoholics, it does not mean I'm *NOT* one. I lost the ability to drink 'normally' sometime along the way after my surgery, and that is just another part of my story.
I am now sober, and want to stay that way. I just wish it was as 'simple' as quitting nicotine. It was hell to quit - I had every part of my body screaming for nicotine; I actually had to take time off work to get through it, and avoided friends that still smoked for months. I stopped going to old haunts, I cried when I saw people on TV smoking. (But, I had a tremendous support group, and got through the mess.) Yes, this would make this somehow easier for me - to feel so horrible when I get away from it that I will never go back. It isn't that way with alcohol for me, and that allows too too TOO many stinking thoughts to enter my head!
Sorry for the rant, I'm sure it's all over the place, but I needed to get it out. Expel the contents of my brain, if you will.
I will stick around and read, read, and read some more. If anyone else here is doing this solely online or in any other way besides AA's way (ie: total abstience from the substance [alcohol], no mollycoddling, no excuses) and maybe has advice or could point me in the direction of such, that would be awesome.
Thanks so much, everyone. I'm glad to be here, even if I'm sad that I *have* to be.
I'm new here. I needed to find a place for support that fit with my belief system. Hoping this one will be what I'm looking for.
I quit drinking April 19th, not knowing I was an alcoholic, so that I could lose some weight that I had regained following my Gastic Bypass surgery 3 years prior. I knew I had some issues burying problems with alcohol, and with drinking to excess, but had no idea it had progressed as far as it did... I was fine off the stuff, and was happier than I'd been in a long, long time. Not just because of the weight loss, but because I was learning to deal with things sans alcohol. I thought I had it all figured out - just avoid alcohol to deal with problems, but still drink in celebration...
As it turned out, I lost nearly 30 pounds, and decided to 'gift' myself with a glass of wine somewhere around the beginning of June. That began an all-out binge fest that lasted until I passed out in the powder room from binge drinking and mild alcohol poisoning. I decided at that point I was an alcoholic, and quit the next day (June 17th).
At the urging of my counsellor, I went to an AA meeting a few days later, and felt *very* out of place. I am Agnostic/bordering on Atheist, and was made very uncomfortable by the constant: "We do not subscribe to any religion, yet we will continually reference God, and tell you you have no power and have to give it all to someone you don't believe in... or maybe your spirit *winkwink* or even an inanimate object *rolleyes*" stuff, but what if you have no religion, and don't believe in a higher power? I had so much trouble with the steps -I couldn't get past step 1, because it was wrong - and how can I work a program that I feel has a fundamental flaw in it? Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I am stronger than my addiction, but I *CAN* be smarter than it. Needless to say, I allowed my addiction to take hold again, as I felt so alone in this - I felt nobody would help me until or unless I admitted there was a God, gave everything to Him, and converted!
See, I DO understand addiction - I became sober from nicotine 9 years ago with this philosophy, and needed no 'higher power' to do so, other than my own sense of self and the knowledge I found at an online group that helped save my life then. I expressed this at my (third? fourth?) AA meeting, and was laughed at, told that 'addiction to smoking' was not as 'bad' as alcohol. Well, YES it WAS. it killed my father, and it was well on its way to doing the same to me. It had a hold on me like no other drug - even alcohol. I felt snubbed, and that near everyone in that room was a hypocrite. That's right - a hypocrite. They talked so much about how they had conquered 'their demon', but then went right outside and smoked themselves silly... with *MY* demon... *sigh*. It's to me like taking advice/getting support from a counsellor that has personality disorders, and mental illnesses out the yang. I just *couldn't* deal with this and allowed myself to relapse at the beginning of July.
So now it's almost 3 months later, and I have been on a near-constant binge until yesterday, when I decided enough was enough - I don't like how I feel when I drink, I usually just get miserable/sick/sleepy/angry, and can't remember anything anymore. SO NOT fun. Plus, all my mad money (and some house money...) has all been going to buy something that does me NO good. I finally had to realize this was not something I could 'moderate'. It doesn't matter that:
-I don't experience much (if any) withdrawal
-I am fine without it, once I get away from it for a few days, that is...
-I *used* to be able to drink 'normally' - I cannot anymore.
And many other multitudes of reasons I'm sure I can come up with. The bottom line is, just because I am 'not as addicted' as other alcoholics, it does not mean I'm *NOT* one. I lost the ability to drink 'normally' sometime along the way after my surgery, and that is just another part of my story.
I am now sober, and want to stay that way. I just wish it was as 'simple' as quitting nicotine. It was hell to quit - I had every part of my body screaming for nicotine; I actually had to take time off work to get through it, and avoided friends that still smoked for months. I stopped going to old haunts, I cried when I saw people on TV smoking. (But, I had a tremendous support group, and got through the mess.) Yes, this would make this somehow easier for me - to feel so horrible when I get away from it that I will never go back. It isn't that way with alcohol for me, and that allows too too TOO many stinking thoughts to enter my head!
Sorry for the rant, I'm sure it's all over the place, but I needed to get it out. Expel the contents of my brain, if you will.
I will stick around and read, read, and read some more. If anyone else here is doing this solely online or in any other way besides AA's way (ie: total abstience from the substance [alcohol], no mollycoddling, no excuses) and maybe has advice or could point me in the direction of such, that would be awesome.
Thanks so much, everyone. I'm glad to be here, even if I'm sad that I *have* to be.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,418
Welcome childofnite
You'll find many different approaches co-existing here.
We simply ask that everyone respects the rights of others to hold beliefs and perspectives which may differ from your own
I see you've already found our secular connections forum.
Look forward to seeing you around.
D
You'll find many different approaches co-existing here.
We simply ask that everyone respects the rights of others to hold beliefs and perspectives which may differ from your own
I see you've already found our secular connections forum.
Look forward to seeing you around.
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I'm like you in that every since I quit (convinced I was an alcoholic) I've been trying to define exactly the extent of my addiction or problem, or if I really have a problem at all. It's really pointless, but worse, dangerous because in a addict, the brain is determined to make you resume your DOC (drug of choice). Best way is convince us we aren't really addicted! Free to use!
NOT!
You pointed it out yourself. Drinking is a problem best resolved by not ever drinking again. That's all I really want to know. Best of luck on your journey of recovery.
NOT!
You pointed it out yourself. Drinking is a problem best resolved by not ever drinking again. That's all I really want to know. Best of luck on your journey of recovery.
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