Screwed up...FML

[julez]

After being sober for over a month, I got drunk last night. After making it through nearly impossible situations without it, I succumbed to the drink. I'm SOOO hating myself right now. I can't f***ing believe I did it. I know that nearly everyone who quits, stumbles at least once, but I didn't think I would. I know exactly why I did it, but it doesn't matter. What matters is now I have to say I'm on day 1 again. And that blows. I am so full of self loathing.

[Jabbadabutt]

Dust yourself off and start again. At least you know why you fell, and that is a place to start. You can use the tools you have learned over the past month to do another month again but this time even better, stronger, and longer and set yourself up for long term health.

[Fandy]

if you were running a marathon and stumbled on say Mile 4-5, would you go back to the start of Mile #1? I don't think so....you would pick up, check for injuries and keep trudging along.

you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.

[CarolD]

Ok....drink a lot of water to quicker get out the alcohol.
Try to be gentle with yourself....

Many of us had false starts on our recovery journey

[Aysha]

It does suck when you get through the tough beginning stage of quitting. The withdrawl and just the new habits. Then feeling like your back at square one again. I dont see it like that.

You know a number is just a number. Its the experience that you gain that matters to me. I may lose my number of days consecutively clean. But I will never lose the knowledge and experience I have learned so far. That never goes back to nothing. Unless you bump your head and forget.

But I need to remember to stay aware of what happened and why. And most of all how I can make sure it doesnt happen again.

Relapse is NOT a part of recovery. I dont believe that for a minute. It may be part of my story, But not anothers. Its not a part of my fathers recovery. And he has 25 yrs sober. Not one relapse.

My good friend in the rooms has 2 1/2 yrs from a 28 year crack addiciton in the street. She was living in a dumpster and weighed 72 lbs when she was arrested and mandated to treatment for the first time. She has not relapsed. And she still works a great program and stays commited to her sobriety.
Mine is just the opposite. I am the relapse fool of the world it seems like. But I dont do like I should either. Thats why I cant stay clean.

Just get back up and keep moving forward with a new knowledge of what NOT to do and what you could do in the future.

[huntwc]

Julez...congrats on one month! You did it and you can do it again!!!!!!

[huntwc]

Sorry for hitting replay too soon...Julez...do you mind sharing what led up to your getting drunk? Were you bored, mad, sad, happy etc? If you can figure this out you will be one step further towards it not happening again.

[Harry01854]

Originally Posted by julez

I know that nearly everyone who quits, stumbles at least once, but I didn't think I would.

Never say never. If it can happen to someone else, then it can happen to me. I have to remain in a spiritual condition and ask for help that I stay sober just for today. I have almost 10 years and I know that I'm not bullet proof. If I don't do what I'm suppose to do, I could very well be the next one to drink again.

No sense in beating yourself up. I know it is easier to say than to do. The positive thing is that you got honest with yourself and shared your honesty here with us. All of us only have this one day. You have the experience of the 30 days still and you know what that was like. So, get back on the path of sobriety and just move forward.

God bless,

Harry

[least]

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

[Mcribb]

Your alive, you will feel better if you stay sober a couple days! I know when I relapsed I atleast knew if I did the right things it would get better. What made you relapse? For me it was Not enough Love, support, variety, faith, that is on me to get those figured out.

[Anna]

Try to learn and make some changes and move on with your recovery.

[Chloe60]

In the beginning, counting days seems to get us to the next day. Starting the count over seems to completely wipe out the successful days. AND LOOK AT THE SUCCESS YOU’VE HAD! To stay sober through all of that stuff with your sister was really great. So maybe we need to look at our sober days differently…maybe you could be 33 days hiccup 1…or just call it 32 days… Anyways, go back to it and keep up the good work.

[julez]

The reason for my relapse was my mother.... Yes, even I chuckled out loud as I typed that. She was trying to get a hold of me, she was drinking, and she left a message saying "Dads in the hospital, they think hes not going to make it". Well guess what? She just wanted me to call her back and knew I usually take my time in doing so, so she made that up. My dad has A-fib and his heart isnt the greatest. I called my dad, not her, and he was mad, said right away "Oh she must be drinking again". They decided to come over to discuss the drama of my sister and her new husband (he called the wedding off after the rehearsal dinner, but they ended up going through with it) I couldnt deal with my mother and her crap. Now I can truly enjoy just about anyone after a few drinks, and for years before any holiday or gathering, I've been drinking myself through it. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I pretty much despise my mom, I'm scared the relationship I have with my sister will never be the same after all this crap surrounding her wedding, I'm sad she married him and scared for her future. I just couldn't deal with the discussion about it all with my mother. I know that there are better ways of dealing with things, and I think at that point I didn't care. I absolutely chose to drink. The past month has been filled with so many obstacles to my sobriety, and I've done great, but last night something snapped. I was thinking of the image of my sister doubled over crying hysterically because some jerk broke her heart. I had to go pick her up from the side of the road at midnight two nights before her wedding! All of these thoughts and images finally broke me down. She's my only sister, and we are super close. She's also 8 years younger than me so its almost as though shes my child too. No reason to drink, and I'm so regretting it. Hopefully when she comes home from her honeymoon Saturday she'll be ok. I've learned that I can't make someone elses problems my own, and I've also learned that my mother has a lot of years left on this earth, and I better put my big girl panties on and deal with it sober instead of numbing my irritation with drinking. Thats about it. Thanks for all your kind words. I'm back into sobriety mode now. And you have no idea how hard it was for me to write this today. I was scared to be honest with you guys.... I guess cuz I care and respect everyone here for their honesty, kindness, and experiences. So anyhow, thanks so much.

[GettingStronger2]

Actually, dear, knowing why you did it does matter. It can help you avoid another one.

Don't let it get you down. Get up and brush yourself off and start on your way again.

[LaFemme]

Hugs Julez! You've been through a huge mess early in sobriety and managed so many times to keep your head above water, look at the accomplishments you've had.

As for your sister and your mother, they are going to have to live their own lives, you can't let their messes become yours. I know, easier said than done, I have a sister and alcoholic mother too:-)

[EmptySoul]

Originally Posted by Fandy

if you were running a marathon and stumbled on say Mile 4-5, would you go back to the start of Mile #1? I don't think so....you would pick up, check for injuries and keep trudging along.

you should not loathe yourself, you are human and we all make mistakes and learn from them.

The most important part is to get back up and not stay down in the dust! You can do it!

[huntwc]

Thanks for reliving what happened "before drink" Julez...with what you have been thru with your family lately please cut yourself some slack...you are entitled to it! Very tough stuff for anyone..especially in early recovery when our knee jerk reaction to drink is still so raw!!!!

love the idea to call it 32 days...much better math....since when does subtracting one from 33 equal one anyway???

[Dee74]

I'm glad you're back Julez.

Family are tricky but let's face it - I could still be drunk this morning if I let mine get to me.
I can't change them but I can change the way I react to the BS

Think about what you need to add to what you're doing already...and keep moving forward

D

[rhomley]

I spent three years screwing up month after month trying to stop. I failed many times, but kept on trying, that was 20 plus years ago...and it has been a wonderful life since then. One day, it just clicked.....wow I got sober.....finally.....do not beat yourself up. Just start again....and again if you have to. You have no idea how your life will improve. Good luck, you can do it.......I did and I thought that was impossible.

[Mcribb]

kinda funny because my step is FML first then screwing up. Screwing up then still being alive and still having some health means you get up!

[LexieCat]

Julez,

Sorry about the slip. It happens to a lot of people in the beginning, and even to a lot of people with some time in. What I think it demonstrates is that you can't just go by how you're feeling, to judge whether you are about to slip. I've had a couple of friends who got sober when I did slip--one a few months ago, and one more recently. Neither one of them saw it coming.

Anger and fear trip up a lot of people. Maybe you were feeling a little "bulletproof" after your derring-do getting through the wedding festivities.

This is serious business, and I'm glad you're back here and ready to get back down to it.

[artsoul]

HI Julez - Please do be kind to yourself and patient too. Take it one day (one thing) at a time. A few more sober days and you'll feel much better about things.

Is there anything you can do to minimize your interactions with mom for now? You're dealing with a lot of stuff for early sobriety. I still feel pretty new at this even after 4 months, so don't beat yourself up. You chose to come back here and begin again. That takes guts and honesty (so pat yourself on the back for that). What we're doing isn't easy and there's a lot of people who have fallen off and never come back. Glad that isn't you!!

[alexvt]

Hey Julez, Don't beat yourself up! Be proud of the 1 month of sobriety and only one day drinking. Thats a BIG accomplishment!
I did the same thing and then kind of stopped counting days and really got lost. I am back and on day 9.
Just keep posting and counting days and you'll have 2 months before you know it!

[SweetCityWoman]

Julez - Walk this path with me. I am on day 13 and been down this road before. Insight is good, getting back on the sobriety horse right away stops the downhill slide which is good and sharing with people here is a good decision and a brave one to admit you slipped. I bet if you search this forum for the word "relapse" you would close down the entire site! So you are now moving forward and I am going the same direction and am arms length - reach out and you will be able to touch me. I am here.

[wpainterw]

Julez: Sad you had to go through all that! Lots of similarly very nasty stuff happened to me when I was drinking and also when I got some years in sobriety. In the drinking years I used it as a way of explaining to myself "why" I drank. Like the very tragic deaths of my sister and her son. When I got sober, I began to realize that I could handle all this family screw up so much better when I was sober than when I was drinking. (Like the near breakdown of my relationship with my mother when she decided on her own to go to a retirement community, and, once there, was unhappy and told all her friends that I had put her there against her will- just so I could "get her furniture"- give me a break! That was sooo weird!) Her friends would cuss me out and I would put my dog in the car and hit the road. My doctor also helped me along the way but I made sure he knew I was in recovery so he was very conservative in prescribing. Anyway, as time went on I came to thank my sobriety because if it werent for that I don't think I would have made it through. After 1988 I didn't relapse but before that I was the King of Relapse.
So good luck on getting back on the track.

W.