Stuck in a Spiral...

[jkalex05]

First of all im 23 years old... Ive been smoking cannabis since I was 15 on a regular basis. I moved onto other drugs I was addicted for ecstasy for about a year back in 2006. I would smoke daily and take xanax on occassion, steal pills from my dad (Hydrocodone, Xanax, Oxycontin, Fentanyl). I then quit taking ecstasy and got addicted to prescription pills and opiates. I was using up my dads scripts leaving him in pain at end of months. I was taking his doses. Finishing up his bottle of xanax. I would binge on LSD for a couple of weeks at a time aswell as ventured into the land of psychadelic mushrooms and other research chemicals for several years.

I started cleaning up my act I was going to join the Marines I had scored good on the entrance exam. I was 21 years old I needed to do something.

I just couldn't quit the marijuana. It felt like without it, life wasn't life. They say you don't have withdrawls to marijuana but you do. Well I went to rehab to try to see if it would help but I ended up leaving halfway through the program. I got home and the first thing I did was relapse... the top dog at the local Marine recruiting officer called my house to talk to me and my dad answered and said I was out partying doing drugs.

Basically ruined my chances to join the Marines and caused to really not care much... So I continue to do what ive done for the last 8 years... Smoke marijuana everyday all the time while Im awake... take xanax and vicodins and other opiate pain pills when I get them. Using LSD, Ecstasy, Mushrooms as much as I can get my hands on them.

I decided rehab was my only choice so after my parents convincing me I went back and it was actually going well. I got to about the 19th day out of a month treatment when I finally just had an outburst and got into an altercation with another male patient. I was blamed for it and I was kicked out and he was allowed to stay.

I was referred to a halfway house and it was preety much my only choice. I stayed in the halfway house for a month stayed sober and tried to work the program I got a sponsor it was going alright... However it just could never leave my brain those cravings and thoughts of just smoking some cannabis... taking some xanax and hydrocodones, or taking a bunch of lsd and mixing it with ecstasy. After time the thoughts would all leave except Smoking Cannabis... I would just get the thought of smelling it, seeing it, smoking it... It just never left my mind but I continued to stay sober. I got a job exactly 52 days sober and went to go take a urine test.... I came back dirty for Marijuana even thought I hadn't smoked in almost 2 months.

It blew me away, I had a really good job opprotunity and then I just get denied like that... A couple of days later under "Sober House" Rules you had to go to community service if you can't get a job in 3 weeks.

Well I go to community service... and guess who you go to community service with. People that do drugs and are going because the court sent them... I end up finding marijuana and relapsing in Kerrville, TX. I smoked right near my halfway house.... no one knew.

It just reinforced what I was already beginning to acknoweledge... that this program was going to be something that was going to consume my life just as bad as the drugs were.... I ended up being asked to leave by my house manager because he said I wasn't putting 100% into the program. Got home and relapsed that same day... its been the same story ever since.

So why? What? What to do... i just continue to live and cope with it as much as I can.

[Dee74]

hi jkalex

I was a pot smoker too...I managed to put it down and take it up again several times over 20 years. Finally quit that when I quit alcohol in 07.

I'm not sure you should focus on other people or the program...I couldn't blame the fact that alcohol is everywhere for my alcoholism, and I couldn't blame other people when I chose to join them in smoking weed.

I'm sorry you were let down a few times too, but that needn't be an obstacle to you quitting this time if you want to either

I think support is important, vital even. I've found a lot of help here - I hope you will too.

D