Finally found my bottom...

[here]

Hi all, sorry for the long intro. Just my story (with some hideous details left out) and where I'm at now....

Well, as the title indicates, I feel that after roughly 5 years of out-of-control drinking (ok, alcoholism), I’ve finally discovered my bottom. Strange that I always knew it was coming , and have known I’ve had a problem for a few years but ..it had to come to this in order for me to get some self-realization about my problem.

A little history: There is a history of alcoholism and depression in my family. I can recall my grandfather calling our house when I was really young when he was on one of his binges. He’d always want to talk to me , and would continue calling until my mother would relent, usually crying, and hand me the phone. He’d slur a bunch of words about how much he loved me etc, and that’d be that. I knew he was drunk, but was too young to really realize the severity of his alcoholism.

My parents are also drinkers, my Dad is worse than my Mom. He starts with a few beers in the afternoon and continues drinking till around 11 PM. By this point he’s usually slurring his words and pretty much impossible to understand. About 2 months ago he almost drank himself into a diabetic coma. He’s Type 1 diabetic.

Mom is more of a binge drinker, maybe gets out of it once or twice a week. This has been them for about as long as I can remember.

Now about me. I grew up in small town Ontario , Canada. Not much to do here BUT drink, and me and my friends began drinking fairly young, around 13 years old. In a town like this, teen drinking is so commonplace that people just pretty much expect it. So my high school and college years, drinking to excess was just sort of what we did. What everyone did.

Fast forward through a few years….drinking was there, but I could always avoid it. I didn’t really have the compulsion, the nagging urge to get drunk that I now feel every single day. In fact, I even thought my close group of friends were more apt to have alcohol problems than me. Of course, we’d still party and drink to excess when we were together or partying , but back then I could just as easily stay home and watch movies with nary a drop of booze in sight. Back then it wasn’t such a priority for me.

Then come my 30’s. I’d moved to Toronto , Canada for a job, and I was excited. Big thriving new city , new job, and more money than I’d previously made. No real friends or connections there other than work colleagues, and every now and then we’d go out after work for drinks. I was always careful to limit myself initially…didn’t want to be the subject of gossip or derision amongst new co-workers by being a lush.

But when I was alone in my apartment, well, that’s when the REAL fun would start. I feel it began out of loneliness, boredom. Nothing much to do with myself, liquor store one block away. It started innocently enough. I’d put in a long day at work, grab a mickey bottle of whiskey on the way home, and treat myself to a few drinks at night. Soon it escalated into pub-crawling on the way home from work, having a few beers , THEN stopping at the liquor store on my way back to my apartment so I could have drinks that night.
In terms of occupying myself at home, I’d rent movies. It became habitual. I ‘d rent a movie to watch, get some booze, drink it, and watch the movie. I began waking up on the couch, TV still on, getting showered , and heading out to work.

I couldn’t tell you just how many movies I never even saw the end of. I was escalating, I knew, but at that point…I recognized that I was lonely, and had nothing else to do, thus the excessive boozing. I figured I’d “grow out of it” or get tired of it eventually , and it’d stop.

It got progressively worse. I was buying more booze at night, and blacking out. I would disconnect my phone so that family or friends wouldn’t call and find me messed up and drunk on the other end of the line. It had happened before. Still thinking I’d be able to stop.

At the time, I had a girlfriend in the US that I’d met through work. Soon we were talking marriage. A year goes by, drinking had increased if anything. Money was getting tighter. I was traveling a lot to the US to see my now-fiance once a month , and of course, spending irrational amounts of money on booze.

Eventually I left Toronto and moved to the US to get married. At this point thinking that married life would cease the excessive drinking. That we’d snuggle and watch tv every night and cook each other nice dinners and be a happily married young couple. My wife was a bartender at a business hotel. My vision of married life, very unrealistic.

The thing about the bar life is that it entails a lot of partying. Our life became my wife going off to work till midnight, then me meeting her out and us going to some bar or another where she knew the staff, and we’d stay and drink after hours , at times till around 6 in the morning. She had her own troubles with alcohol.

We’d fight over who drank more, who spent more money on booze, who was more irresponsible. Obviously things fell apart. She left me. For a bar manager. I left the US .
This was 1 and a half years ago.

Since my return to Canada, things have worsened. The divorce has been tough, and I have been diagnosed with Depression. I have also engaged in irresponsible, selfish , and destructive behaviors that shock even me. I have lied, stolen from friends, manipulated and used family members, all in order to self-medicate with booze. I was prescribed anti-depressants but went off of them. I lied to my Mother, telling her I felt 100 times better and didn’t need them. The truth is, I can’t even afford them.

I have leaned on my parents for financial support, and squandered what they’ve provided on booze. There have been parties with old friends that I’ve gone to and commited some seriously humiliating and foolish things due to drinking too much. All my friends have confronted me over my drinking, as have my family. I can always seem to weasel out of it by saying I’m going to “take it easy on the booze” from now on. Lying even to myself. My parents, aware of their own alcohol issues, tend to tread lightly. My father has said he doesn’t feel that I am at an age anymore where he needs to be a role model for me in regards to drinking. My mom is an enabler. My life is pretty much unmanageable at this point.

I don’t know if it’s the depression, the booze , or just my luck. But life merely gets worse. I am currently under-employed, making barely enough to cover rent for my apartment. I returned to Canada with 2 suitcases. I have barely any possessions of any value. My ex wife will not speak to me or return thousands of dollars of personal items I still have in the US.

What terrifies me is that I know I’ll require a tremendous amount of positivity in order to finally tackle this…yet I’ve seen nothing positive in my life for years. Things simply get worse.

I need to do this. I really fear what will happen the next time I can’t control myself.

[sailorjohn]

Welcome!!!

Yeah, they have AA in Canada too. For most of us, we needed a little more than positivity to get sober.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

[firestorm090]

Welcome to SR.

I too became a bar hound, and did the movie thing alone, would wake up with the tellie on and not remember what I was watching. Life lost it's appeal, and existence was only tolerable when intoxicated.

You've started a new journey and found a new place to share your journey, and receive support, so stick around, read and post often and bear in mind that we've all been there, so you're not alone. It does get better if we work for it.

[51anna]

Welcome from a fellow-Canadian!

I hope you will find the inspiration to get and to stay sober.

[Payton]

Welcome - I'm glad to see you here. Do you think you could join AA and find a therapist?

[here]

Thanks!

Well, I have spoken to a therapist and she basically told me I had Depression and was drinking to self-medicate. She also sugested AA but she prescribed me anti-depressanst (Effexor) which I was on for a while. It initially helped with sleeping, stress etc but I can't say it helped at all in removing the urge to drink. Still, I was able to not drink for about 6 weeks after I saw her. Once it was time to renew the prescription i just kindof put it off. Within a week or so was drinking, a little bit. Then eventually back full-tilt inot the destructive binge drinking and dark clouds.

I'm going to see a new therapist next week. I think I just have a real heavy amount of stuff to talk about, and I can't seem to unoad it on freinds or family.

[Dee74]

Welcome, here.

It's daunting looking at it all wondering just how to get out of it - it looks so immense.
But you're not alone - many many of us here have been exactly where you are now.
And got out.

Take it a day at a time.

Make a commitment not to drink today - see your Dr if you think detox might be rough.

Check out the site here - you'll find many suggestions on programmes - AA and others - to follow.

Glad to have you aboard
D

[Horselover]

That was quite an intro and I really like it when people take the time to really write that first post. You now have ammo to refer back after you've had a few days off the alcohol. I noticed with myself and others that after a few days we tend to forget our reasons for getting sober. You have many reasons.

Whether the drinking was caused by boredom, loneliness, the divorce, the fact that you have it so readily in your family . . . really isn't the point. The point is what are you going to do to now straighten everything out.

You say you have no place of positive reserves to draw on and I would say start with gratitude. Find gratitude in little every day things. You had a good nights sleep or you were able to at least rest your head. You aren't sick or you can walk or you have enough food to get you through the day. I mean start small and a grateful heart will build and build. That should lift your spirits.

Find a recovery program that works for you. Start with SR if you think that's going to work. If it doesn't work then find something face to face. Check with your doctor about the process of detoxing. Have someone that can check on you. Be safe no matter what you do.

Welcome to SR and just think you CAN wake up sober every day if you really want to.

Edit: Just read your second post. Mandatory that you talk about your depression to your friends, your family, SR, anyone. Don't isolate please.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by here

I'm going to see a new therapist next week. I think I just have a real heavy amount of stuff to talk about, and I can't seem to unoad it on freinds or family.

Get to the bottom of all of your problems, get rid of all of that heavy stuff, and you'll still be an alcoholic.

I like to quote TRD on this particular subject:

"Alcoholism is not secondary to a psychiatric problem. Alcoholism is a primary disease in and of itself.

Historically, millions of alcoholics have died from the effects of alcoholic drinking-while trying to get at the 'root of the problem' in therapy. (As a matter of fact, many people do discover and 'work on,' their childhood trauma in therapy-and still continue to drink and die.)"

Something to think about-or not.

[51anna]

I disagree somewhat, with your comment, John.

I agree that alcoholism is a disease, but for me, it was a result of depression and anxiety that were not properly diagnosed and treated. And, in order to recover, I needed to treat the depression. Without medication for depression, I honestly didn't care enough to motivate myself to recover.

[here]

Originally Posted by 51anna

I disagree somewhat, with your comment, John.

I agree that alcoholism is a disease, but for me, it was a result of depression and anxiety that were not properly diagnosed and treated. And, in order to recover, I needed to treat the depression. Without medication for depression, I honestly didn't care enough to motivate myself to recover.

Well, there may be something there. I'm going to the new therapist regardless, but when I am at my worst in terms of drinking , it does seem to be when I'm NOT on the meds. That's when I get completely self-destructive , and cannot muster up any concern over how my actions will affect me, or anyone else.

Anyways, to clarify I haven't actually HAD a drink in 5 days.

Yay?

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by here

Anyways, to clarify I haven't actually HAD a drink in 5 days.

Yay?

Hell yes, for we alcoholics, any day without alcohol is a victory.

[Dee74]

Originally Posted by here

Anyways, to clarify I haven't actually HAD a drink in 5 days.

Yay?

Yay


D

[Hevyn]

Welcome, Here! It's wonderful you've found us and we hope you stay. SR helped me get up the courage to quit after many years of dependency. I used it to mask my feelings & kill my emotions. Without it I had to learn to live again and it was hard in the beginning. My first few days off it were sheer misery, but it looks like you've made it through.

I hope you can see far enough down the road to know you won't feel this way forever. OK, you have some things to be sad about, but don't let that keep you from moving forward and living the life you're entitled to. You are obviously intelligent with a good sense of humor. You have everything it takes to have a wonderful new life. All the misery can be a distant memory one day. Please let us know how it's going for you. We care.

[Rowan]

Welcome from another fellow Canadian. I'm so glad you found us.

I suffer from depression, always have. It got better for a time after I quit drinking, but it returned. I take medication which helps a lot, and I go to AA. I went there for help with my drinking, but it helped me with so much more. I got introduced to a man who became my addictions doc and we did a lot of work together before he passed away.

I lived like a recluse before I got sober. I only left the house when absolutely necessary i.e. work, groceries, etc, and no longer socialized. I drank by myself at night, passing out in front of the tv or computer each time. I became increasingly maudlin and began trying to hurt myself. I was very nearly successful in ending my life.

Although depression still exists for me today, it's much more manageable. I no longer - or very rarely - obsess about alcohol and I'm honestly grateful for the life I have today. It's exciting in a way that it wasn't when I was drinking - even in the days when I was partying with many people. It was all such a facade - and I'm glad that I can see that now.

You've found a great community of recovering folk. Some do AA, some don't - some have other ways of staying sober - but we all have a common purpose, a common journey.

Don't quit before the miracle happens.

Stick around - and get inspired.

[here]

Thanks.

Yeah, I guess I've been feeling a little reclusive lately too...to be honest it's more a matter of not really having much to do. I keep reading about picking up hobbies to occupy yourself etc but jeez. Other than reading I can't really find anything of interest.

I've already had an obsession with knocking back booze and playing Playstation ( I swear I'd get better at games the drunker i was, lol) so that is OUT.

I've been planningto go to an AA meeting, and been dragging my heels. But i definitely intend to commit to at least three and see how that goes.

[barb dwyer]

here -

welcome to SR!

I'm glad to see you're considering a program of recovery.

There comes a point in our drinking that stopping on our own just isn't a realistic option any longer. I think to approach recovery with the same energy (amount of) that we drank is the only way to bring the momentum to a halt, then reverse the destruction.

I found that in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I have supplemented my Program of recovery with the fellowship and friendships I've made here on Soberrecovery, and it's made all the difference for me.

I hope you'll find the help and support that I've received here as well.

And I really hope you'll give AA an honest chance.

[here]

Thanks.

Yes, I realize that stopping on my own is not realistic. I have stopped on my own for stretches and fell right back in on my own as well. I know that this time it will require a program or an addictions counsellor. I hoping to find what will work best for me.

[Wolfchild]

[barb dwyer]

here -

good for you!

try not to look at it as 'losing' the fight and having to get help.
think of it more that you are finally going to change
that thing that kept you down all this time.

it means you finally mean it.

the very worst thing ever... becomes the very best thing imaginable.

[firestorm090]

Welcome to SR.

One of the best things about AA is that you don't have to go, and neither do the other people who show up there. (I'm not referring to anyone court ordered tho, and I think that doesn't work anyway, imho.) I go because I know without help I'm a goner, I'm without hope and without faith, I'm just plain screwed up without help. Am I ashamed of that, well, yes I was, but not anymore. One day it clicked for me, booze just had to go and I am left with this bonehead in my life...me, lol. So, now what, well, I gotta learn a new way to live, and I can't do that by doing my same old, same old way of living. I have to learn a new way and AA has a program to so just that. 12 steps. The steps make sense to me and that means I need to learn how to do them, then do them. I hope you give the steps a chance.

[TheBCKid]

don't do meds bro, it's poison. you should carefully inspect and monitor everything you put into your body. research those poison pills i guarantee the ingredients and effects will frighten you. it's very rare that people need 'pills'.

you need a good quality fish/cod liver oil(essential fatty acid) vit C, Vit D(if you don't get sun regularly) high quality multivitamin, a green supplement(spirulina is the best) organic red meats, chicken turkey, organic fruits and veggies and nuts for a regular diet. you need regular exercise, weights and cardio. as for a hobby join a gym that will train you in mixed martial arts, it will change your life.

[here]

Ready for Day 6! Odly enough, I've slept better than I have , seemingly in years, Saturday night and then last night. Feeling pretty good this AM.

[223]

Hey fellow Torontonian!

You may find this website useful. It's the Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment for Ontario:

The Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment

you can search by location (Toronto)

or call the 7/24 toll-free number 1-800-565-8603.

Hang in there.

[Tazman53]

Welcome to SR here, I am married to a Canadian if that matters!!! LOL.
While thinking of AA which I highly reccommend why not read the book Alcohollics Anonymous online here Big Book On Line or pick up a copy at an AA meeting or a book store. Take you time reading it and see if you can not relate to much of what it says.

Here are a few quotes out of it that you may find interesting:

We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from
drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts
much like other men. We are equally positive that
once he ta kes any a lcohol whate ver into his system,
something happens, both in the bodily and mental
sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to
stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm
this.

The idea
that somehow, someday he w ill control a nd enjoy his
drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal
drinker. The persistenc e of this illusion is astonishing.
Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We lea rned that w e had to fully conce de to our innermost
selves that we were a lcoholics. This is the
first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like
other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost
the ability to control our d rinking. We know that no
real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at
times that we we re regaining control, but such intervals--
usually b rief--were ine vitab ly followed by still
less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible
demoralization. We are convinced to a man
that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive
illness. Over any considerable period we get
worse, never better.

I highly reccommend reading this book whether you decide to use AA as a recovery method or not, it was written by recovering alcoholics for those seeking recovery.