First Post/Step (I guess)

[Jesse17]

Hello, I've been lurking here for a week or so. I need to stop drinking!

My wife and I are both drunks. We have been for years, but the last two years have been really bad. We keep quiting, and one or the other of us brings home a bottle withing two days. She's done a little better than me, but I haven't made it more than one night without drinking for SEVERAL months.

When we finish the booze and beer, the next morning I think of the money we spent that we didn't have, and have no problem with not drinking again. By the time I get off work, I argue with myself all the way to the liquor store. If I can make myself go home instead, it's only a matter of a couple of hours before I drive back into town to get booze. I feel like I'm a failure, and a piece of dirt. But, only until I get the first couple shots in me, then I'm happy with my life for another evening.

Then repeat the above the next day.

If I don't come home and drink, I usually just nap all afternoon, and am in a pissed off mood all night.

I HAVE to quit drinking, before I loose my house. The bills are already piling up, and I think I may be having liver issues also.

I mentioned AA to my wife. She's not for it. She said she made herself go to one and take some sort of test years ago to prove to herself she wasn't an alcoholic. But, that was years ago. We've been drunk nightly for almost a decade.

I see there's an Open meeting at 2 pm today. I'll be in the neighborhood around that time anyway. Maybe I'll stop in...maybe.

Question: What's the difference between an Open AA meeting and a Closed one?

[Kablume]

Welcome to SR. Glad you are here. A closed meeting is for those who have a desire to stop drinking. An open meeting is just that. Open to all.

[51anna]

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you have decided to join us.

I think a closed meeting is restricted to members only, whereas an open meeting is open to anyone who might be interested. I'm not an AA member, so hopefully someone will be along who can explain it better.

[me11109]

Welcome Jesse. Glad you are here. Keep reading. If you can go to a meeting, that would be great. Go even if your wife doesn't want to go herself. There will be people to support you there.

[Wolfchild]

[smacked]

I feel like I'm a failure, and a piece of dirt. But, only until I get the first couple shots in me, then I'm happy with my life for another evening.

I lived that way for years. You're not letting yourself get sober enough, for long enough to realize that you can feel that same way the shots are balancing you out to, without even drinking! I promise. You're caught in the vicious cycle of physical addiction, and you're balancing yourself out with a few shots because your body is withdrawing from the alcohol trying to escape your body via your liver, skin, and all your other organs. You're replacing what it's missing. You taught it to miss the alcohol, and you can teach it to live without. After I was sober for about a week, and my body had almost forgot that I had been poisoning it daily, it started thanking me.. with better sleep, better energy, clearer thinking.. relaxation. All those things that you're poisoning (literally!) it to do for you now.

Do this, just for today. Forget about your wife's drinking. Focus on your recovery, or desire for recovery. AA isn't the only game in town, but it's so convenient and available and I think it would be a perfect place for you to hang out for an hour or so and meet some other folks that are sober, and know exactly where you're at right now. I don't know how I could have stayed sober, and married to an alcoholic. Actually, I do know.. I wouldn't have.

This is about you. Assume your wife will be stinkin drunk every day for the next 10 years, what are you going to do for YOUR life? Our addictions are our own, as are our paths toward recovery.

Just take care of YOU today, and repeat it often

[Jesse17]

Thanks for the replies. I had a couple more question...

How long do AA meetings usually last?

What about craving substitution. For instance, I don't like to eat while drinking, and I don't feel like drinking after I've eaten a big meal. Would it be wise to keep lots of quick food around and stuff myself when I'm fighting the urge to go to town for a bottle?

While I'm a little overweight, I've lost 40 lbs in the last two years, mostly because I don't eat once I start drinking, and I start drinking mid afternoon. So I don't think the extra calories would hurt me if it was only for the first month or so.

[Gypsy Feet]

I let myself pick up an ice cream habit when I quit drinking. I haven't gained any weight, its been 10+ months, and my focus had to be on SOBRIETY.

Meeting last about an hour, go 10 minutes early and shake a hand or two. I was terrified to go to my first meeting, turns out its just a bunch of people just like you and I hanging out.

[Jesse17]

Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet

Meeting last about an hour, go 10 minutes early and shake a hand or two.

Ugh! Shake hands, meet people? I and my wife are more deeply committed to Christ, than a lot of people (yes, even though we're drunks) but I don't go to church because I can't stand being the new guy at church that they always point out, and everyone has to hug or shake hands with.

I hate that.

[Gypsy Feet]

me too!

sometimes we have to do stuff we hate to get better=) And sometimes doing stuff we hate becomes the best thing we could have done! And as your fear over meetings is conquered, you may inspire your wife to try another too

[Cubile75]

Yea... go to a meeting. You can attend a closed meeting, you have a desire to quit drinking and you have identified yourself as an alcoholic...

You might have some detox issues... perhaps consider talking to a physician or if it gets bad... ER.

Good luck to you my friend... Oh, you don't have to shake hands, it is good, though, to get to know folks before and after the meetings..

Mark

[dojoro]

Smacked is so right about not realizing you may have a big problem because you don't stop drinking long enough to figure it out. I think that is what she said..don't know how to do the quote thing...anyway I didn't know I had a problem until 10 days ago. My doctor asked me to stop drinking because of my liver enzymes...way high! I said sure and left only to quickly realize I couldn't stop. I needed it, wanted it...quickly I realized I had a problem because not everyone needs alcohol or wants alcohol daily at least the way I did.

I got by the first 9 days using this forum and willpower. I got books, I read on-line, I took every on-line test I could find...failed everyone. I started reading the Alcoholic Anonymous book and I could relate to it. These people...these alcoholics...I am one of them. I've known about them my whole life, NEVER did I think I would or could be in this club. Yesterday I joined went to my first meeting. So helpful. Today I went again...even better. I hope you go today, I hope you stay sober today. Start with yourself and you will be surprised with the outcome by just helping yourself you will be helping everyone around you especially your wife. Trickle down theory...ya know. Good luck!

PS-I had a few hugs not many but some but what I got from everyone was a good hard look in the eye. They wanted me to see them, their eyes their soul. I needed to see the faces and eyes of other alcoholics...having them just look me in my eyes was more heartwarming and far less intrusive then any hug anyday!

Jo

[Dee74]

Hi Jesse

There's a lot of good advice here, so I'll just say welcome - and go to the meeting - dealing with this problem is worth a handshake or two surely

D

[Hevyn]

I could have written Smacked's first paragraph, too.

Jesse, that's just how my husband & I were many yrs. ago. We were each other's best friends and drinking buddies. We went on like that for 12 yrs. We ended up losing everything in the end - our house, his job, each other. (He is now dead.) This never has to happen to you, because you've had the sense to put a halt to it. You'll never have to go through all that hell or live with the terrible memories of what you lost. Stay with us and let us know how it's going for you.

[Jesse17]

Originally Posted by Hevyn

I could have written Smacked's first paragraph, too.

Jesse, that's just how my husband & I were many yrs. ago. We were each other's best friends and drinking buddies. We went on like that for 12 yrs. We ended up losing everything in the end - our house, his job, each other. (He is now dead.) This never has to happen to you, because you've had the sense to put a halt to it. You'll never have to go through all that hell or live with the terrible memories of what you lost. Stay with us and let us know how it's going for you.

Thank you everyone. Especially Hevyn!

I went to that meeting today. I had a pounding headache, drove by once, parked (a few blocks away) smoked two cigarettes and drank part of a Coke (hoping to fix the headache). I prayed to God that if it was in His will, that he would get me to that meeting, and take away this headache.

PS. The headache was due to my neck position while raking leaves at the apartment building I own, not due to a hang over! (I haven't had a hang over in years).

Though I still had the headache, I couldn't hardly control myself, I started the truck and drove back to the Convent (where the meeting was). I parked in the lot, and noticed the few people outside the door BS-ing. I knew they knew why I was there.

I figeted in my truck for about 4 or 5 minutes. I hoped one of them would come over to my truck and tell me where the meeting was...I knew it was in the basement, but had no idea how to get there. Though they looked at me, none of them came over.

I eventually got out of my truck and asked one of them, "Which way to the basement?" He said, "Right through those doors. Are you here for the AA meeting?" I looked down and said quietly, "Yeah."

He said, "Right through those doors, down the stairs and the first door on your right."

I have a long post, and think I should break it up into a few post, so please don't reply to this until I say I'm done. Thank You All!

[Jesse17]

Ok, so I went into the meeting room. There where three people there, one of which I'm surprised was at a Alcoholics meeting. The way his brain was fried, I would have expected to see him at a drug-addicts meeting...(What-ever they're called). (Please forgive me, I'm not passing judgment, I was just surprised to see someone 'so strong out' at an AA meeting.

Anyway, I was appalled when they made me read the "Pre-Emblem", I thought I wouldn't have to talk at my first meeting. But then they said that since there was a new person there, they were going to have a "First Step Meeting".

Though I could Tell there were a couple of people who thought it was a waste of their time, it was great! I know those people where their to talk about their own problems, but because I was a newbie, everyone of them spent the meeting trying to tell me how they felt the first time they came to a meeting, and trying to convince me why I should come back.

I never got up the nerve to tell them anything about myself, but I thank God they were there for me.

[Jesse17]

I didn't know if I should have or not, but I told my wife that I went to the meeting. She explained that she thought AA was great, but lost a job when she worked for McLaughlin Air Force Base (spelling) and went to some "Brown Bag Lunch" that had something to do with AA, then her military recored all of a sudden said something about her being an alcoholic.

While I don't believe AA would every do something like that, I do know that I will NEVER admit to a doctor how much I drink, because I don't want the term "alcoholic" to affect my ability to buy a gun in the future. And, thats what this supposed "Health Care Reform Bill" is sounding like it'll do.

Anyway, I thought the meeting was great, but felt like a hypocrite, since I knew there was 1/2 a liter of Tequila and 1/2 a case of beer at home. Hence I knew I would be drinking tonight.

[Jesse17]

Anyway, I'm doing my best to make sure there's no booze or beer in the house after tonight.

But, I see the only meeting for tomorrow that I could attend is a closed meeting. What would happen if I showed up. Would they turn me away???

I did manage to cough up the $6 to get a 'Big Book' today. I haven't read any of it yet, but God I hope it has the answer to my alcoholism!

OK, I'm done with my rant, you can reply now.

Again, thanks to everyone who has supported me today, or will in the future! Between SR.com and AA, I think I can actually stop drinking!

[Gypsy Feet]

nope, they wont turn you away, because you want to quit drinking, so your "one of us" now hahah

Sorry the first meeting was so small, I was pretty amazed at the low turn out for my meeting today too, which meant everyone had to share. We do first step meetings all them time, and I for one love them. You may just be projecting dear, in any case, you have as much right to your chair as the next guy. Glad you made that first one!!

[Jesse17]

Thank you Gypsy, and anyone Else who replied today. I don't think I would have had the nerve to go to that first meeting today, if it weren't for you guys/gals!

The meeting wasn't that small, people kept coming in after it started, and I would guess there was about a dozen of us by the time it was finished, but I was the only FNG.

One of the last guys to speak said something that really hit home. He said something about, "Tomorrow I'll start from scratch, but tonight I'll drink." That is something he said he told himself for years, and something I've told myself for years.

I really want to quite drinking. My biggest fear now is the meetings are usually around 7 pm. I get off work at 2 pm and am usually drunk by 4 pm.

How do I fight the urge to drink when I first get off work?

Any Ideas?

[bananagrrrl]

Change what you do when you get home. Go for a walk, clean the house, call a friend.

[Dee74]

I'm not sure where you are Jesse but I'm pretty sure there'd be another meeting somewhere between 2 and 7pm.

Failing that, I always made sure I varied my routine, I made sure I was busy, I sat on SR a lot...if I was you I'd get real life phone numbers to call next meeting too.

Read around and post here - you'll get some great suggestions.
Facing cravings and urges at the beginning is hard - but it's not impossible, Jesse

D

[dojoro]

The is so great Jesse. I have only gone to 3 meetings (2 yesterday) but I always leave feeling so hopeful...almost enlightened. I agree this forum has also helped tremendously especially at night when I have cravings. I haven't picked up that very heavy phone yet but one day I will. There is a regular AA number...not sure what it is, your phone book should have it. You can call that anytime...now that has to be easier then going to a meeting...just a phone call...Call and say "hey, It is hard right now." I would imagine they take it from there. I find my self in the parking lot after every meeting for 45 minutes surronded by other alcoholics who desperately want to help, to guide me, to prevent me from ending up in a place so many of them have. Last night I heard a lot of stories about jail, and rehab, and dwi's, things I can't see for myself, but I know now this is a progressive disease and I will get worse and who knows what destruction I will cause before I die.

I know alot about the disease alcoholism now, way more then last week and two weeks ago I knew nothing. I had the same stigma that I think alot of society does. Now that I know that, the stigma baffles me but that is a post within itself. I feel like I haved learned so much...have grown so much but come 5 o'clock it is still painfully hard. I still think about drinking everyday, allday. I still have times I am not sure this is me. I still wonder if I should challenge myself (just have one drink) and walk away. I know I would fail miserably but I'd get to drink and have a valid excuse in my mind. I am getting better at fighting and i am starting to admit I am an alcoholic and really believing it. I hope you read the big book. there are other books out there too. If you like to read fill the time in between work reading and learning about this disease so many others are fighting with too.

Have a good strong day!

Jo

[jahnilee59]

Jesse, welcome and good luck. If I couldn't attend a meeting, I would certainly get online and read about others experiences in sobriety. Strap in and get ready for the ride of your life. Recovery is a world of laughter and tears. It is a non-stop adventure into what your life can truly be. It is an amazing experience. Today I am most grateful for the return of the ability to feel my emotions instead of numbing them under a layer of drugs/alcohol. Even when I am sad it is a real feeling. I have neve laughed so hard and so long as I have in the company of other recovering people. We have a lot of fun on this very serious journey. Hope to see you back again. John in Oklahoma

[Jesse17]

I've been reading the 'Big Book' this morning. I'm not a big reader, but I got threw the Preface, the 4 Forwards, and the first chapter. I like what I see so far.

I there were 3 beers left in the fridge this morning after last nights finishing of the booze. I'm throwing them out on my way to work, otherwise I'll drink them before bed when I get home tonight.

My wife and I talked last night and agreed that we're REALLY going to quit this time. (Again) But, she did whine a party we're suppose to go to in Jan. We were planning on getting a room in town so we wouldn't have to drive. I'm not sure how we'll deal with that, but we've got to quit in the first place before we even think about that.

I won't have a problem tonight, but tomorrow will be my challenge. I get off work at 2 pm and there isn't a meeting until 7pm. Oh how I wish there was a meeting at 2!!!

Wish me luck,
Jesse