Worst Day...

[NEOMARXIST]

Day 121 of sobriety.

Crap day at work, feeling bored and discontented with life again. Feeling of mundaness back in my life again now that I have built my life back up to a "normal" leve again. Everything seems so mundane. I crave the excited/anticipation feeling that getting beers for a session used to give and the general madness; even if it was just on my own.

I am finding the thought of never drinking/drugging hard to comprehend and i feel like I am just "existing" again with no excitement/thrills in my life. I am feeling more and more self-conscious again and feel my mood getting more depressed. I am finding that whenever I think of doing/going to any activity I do not feel whole without the anticipation/experience of having the alcohol/drugs. That was what I used to love, I was genuinely someone who loved drink/drugs and altering my mood as a recreational activity. I know it is so very damaging to me in the long-run but I crave some excitement. I loved thinking of myself as the outlaw and the child of the chemical generation to some extent. I get a feeling like I am mourning a lost best friend when i think about not having drinking in my life anymore.

I can't see how I am going to build a vibrant social life up as I feel like I have little in common with people on a deep level and the people I did used to have lots in common with all obviously drink/drug. I feel sad at referring to my life as a past life.

I am literally keeping it One day at a time at the moment. Feel OK now as i am full of Coca-Cola and Curry but it feels like I am just living for the next "normal day" ie- no hangover, remember everything from night before etcetcetcetc... I know that drinking for me equals pain, suffering and despair but maybe I loved that? I dunno my thinking is screwing at the moment. I am an alcoholic but maybe thats OK? Thats me?

I am scared to try to get a relationship with any girl as i am shy and self-conscious.

I cannot really do anything as I don't want to be around drinkers but I relate to them so well even though i dont like myself when I am drunk... I dunno just feeling a bit crap about sobriety at the moment and feel depressive thoughts coming on and so drinking enters my mind. I dunno I guess it really hard at 23 to totally give up booze and drugs especially when thats an activity that I loved and made me feel whole...

Life seems so mundane and boring.

[ViciousCycle]

Think of the flip side.........me, on day one. I feel like crap as I try to detox. My life sucks and I feel like a captive in my own home. Booze did not give me a better life at all........in fact, many times it came close to ruining it. From my perspective, I will take mundane anyday....

Your thoughts will pass, try not to glorify alcohol, it brings us down, makes us feel guilty and is mind poison. Stay strong, you have accomplished so much........think of people like me trying to get day one under their belt........hope this helps a bit.

[Threshold]

Your post really speaks to me.

It's so important to do more than just stop using, because we have to have a life we find worth living.

Those things are possible,to not use AND have an exciting life worth the effort. that is where the work comes in and pays off, creating that life. It's not the special task of the addict or ex addict, it's the essential task of life for everyone.

If we start feeling like we've got an extra burden on us because of our addiction, we screw ourselves. It's that way for everybody. We all have to create a life worth living.

I know sobriety frees me up to be able to find that life I want, to create it.

substances don't give me what I really want, just an illusion of what I want that comes at way too high a price. I can build what I really want, I am building it.

I know how easy it is to fall into that line of thinking though, "look at what sobriety is robbing me of"...but that is a lie.

The last time I thought I'd treat myself to a 'night off" and use...well, I got reminded just how big a lie.

I got reminded and quick.

but when I stop using, I stop by choice, not because I am compelled but because it truly serves me to do so.

that's the only way we ever truly become clean is when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not using is what we choose because it best serves us.

I ain't doing it for mommy, or daddy, or my partner, or to get my boss off my back, or to prove to so and so that I can...I'm doing it for me, because this is my life and I want it.

I don't blame my crappy days on not using, I mean really...look how many crappy days I had when I was using. Guess there must be something else that makes them crappy or not. guess I'll focus on what that something else might be.

your post scares me, because I've said those same things to myself

[Dee74]

I don't blame my crappy days on not using, I mean really...look how many crappy days I had when I was using. Guess there must be something else that makes them crappy or not. guess I'll focus on what that something else might be.

I couldn't have said this better myself

For a long time I thought that a certain emptiness was the price I'd have to pay for sobriety - but once I moved past the simply not drinking bit, and started to really work on myself and my life, things got better.

I started my 'self improvement/spiritual drive' initially to keep sober...I found, to my surprise, I ended up happy.

It's not an instant process, tho, Neo - and it's not always a linear one - I still have worse days than others....but doesn't everyone?

Keep the faith - you're doing well
D

[51anna]

Wow, I couldn't have said it better or more accurately than Dee did.

Have faith, Neo!

[thirtybubba]

Wow, Neo. A lot of what you said I can relate to there.

I've left somewhere where I was comfortable, even if that somewhere was bad, and now I feel like I'm in a strange alien world where I can neither relate to anyone, nor do I feel like it is "fun" enough to stay around in...

And it hurts to think of it as a closed book of the past, because now all that's left is an unknown, unfamiliar future... but that's reality, and the past is not something you can return to--ever. Not that you can't try, but it'll never be the same as it was...


I took it to a more general level on purpose, but that's how I see my life as well. And being young I think does have an effect, it's like we're expected to live life to the fullest in these years, and stepping off is kinda like leaving the party just as it's getting good... just feels like the wrong thing to do somehow.

But you left what you were doing behind 121 days ago for a reason, Neo... I know what you've written, I'm sure there're more reasons only you know. It's not just "suffering" and what not... In my case, it was taking me down, and I could see that much through the bottom of the bottle.... I jumped off the train before it slammed into a wall.

Shyness notwithstanding, try and find something to do... maybe look at a slightly older crowd (like 27-29 maybe--many people my age have moved on from that party crowd mentality, and certainly wouldn't mind an intelligent younger person hanging with us). You took away the drugs and the alcohol that were filling you up, now you just have a hole there...

Take care, Neo , and I wish you the best,
TB

[Wolfchild]

Hang on to a power greater than yourself and stay sober no matter what!

Recovery is a process, not an event. If there are meetings in your local area, why not go to one tonight? You may be able to help someone to find the hope they need to continue staying sober. Have you given any thought to addressing the real problems underneath the obvious symptoms of the disease?

[Charmie]

NEO,you sound like you are suffering from an untreated illness,alcoholism.just my opinion.the pink cloud of getting off it goes and what are we left with? boredome,irratabilitly and discontentedness.we need something in order to be able to live a fullfilling and useful life.i used the 12 steps of AA.i had to be re-programmed if you like,for me i took away the alcohol,but that was just a symptom of my illness.i had to delve deeper than that to be free.

[FormerBeerLover]

I'd just like to echo what others have already said...recovery is a process. I can't count how many times I've said "never again", only to always come back to the beer harder and stronger each time. This time I knew that I had to try something different. For me, it's been a slow but rewarding process of looking at the reasons WHY I felt the need to drink in the first place. I've now been sober for 4 and a half months and for the first time in 30 years I'm just starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I feel that life's what you make it...if your life is "mundane and boring" then maybe you should look at WHY you feel that way, not how you can escape it.

You're only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you! Please don't waste your 20s and 30s like I did. Millions of people live productive and happy lives without alcohol and drugs...it can be done, but only if YOU decide to make it happen!

[allport]

Basically Neo what you are going through is growing up and realising that life sometimes is boring and mundane, work isn't called the daily grind for no reason.

As alcoholics our first response to this is of course to want to drink, it's what we have always done and in our minds we think it will solve our problems simply because at one point it did just that.

To have got to the stage of giving up it stands to reason that getting wasted stopped working for you and it won't work for you now.

The relief drinking will bring is so fleeting it just isn't worth it, forget the miserable torture of re detoxing and the self hatred a relapse will bring, you won't get what you want out of it.

I absolutely understand how tempting it is, and it is an easy bit of self delusion because we want it to work but the basic fact is that if your life was a fantastic social whirl when you were using why did you feel the need to stop?

If you are thinking you won't be as bad as you were before then that is a whole other problem, you have diagnosed yourself as an alcoholic and therefore you must realise that it is either all or nothing, I wish there was some middle way but for an alcoholic I really don't think there is.

Sorry if I am waffling on but I am also at a similar point in my life, the true horror of active alcoholism has faded in my mind and I am fed up with my life, what I (and you) have to do is deal with the life stuff without the old habits coming back because (and I am trying to persuade myself as well as you) they don't work and never will work again.

I am also shy and find socialising difficult (not a cute trait in a 38 year old woman lol) but for the time being I will stay where I am, feeling lonely and bored, because if I do that the future might hold any number of things.

If I choose to drink I seriously feel that the future holds nothing but a slow descent into even more misery and loneliness.

[OzSandy]

Neo, I'm 36 and maybe it's I'm getting older but the idea of some moderation and balance in life is becoming more appealing - the all or nothing is so exhausting. I guess too I had so much happening last year in my life, I'm more content to now have some quiet. Some good suggestions here, you've done well getting to four months, maybe now it's time to start exploring some areas which can make your life more fulfiling, that don't include alcohol - keep your eyes open, they're out there. It's just that we missed out on them previously because alcohol has obscured them.

[butchville]

yeh think about the bad things about drink ..like the shakes...paraniod...agriphobia..panic attacks ..high anxiety..depression.mood swings..confusion..lack of sleep and food,,sheer dred..nothing in life as drink or drugs slowly chips away at your life brick by brick your wall comes tumbling down..,dizziness,,disorientation..heart racing away...hypercondria..lack of hygene,,dehydration.horrid thoughts,,o.c.d ,,and a big strain for the liver ,,a big strain for loved ones,,,there are just a few things that stop me from ever going back to the dreaded drink ,,or poison wich i call it ,,,,,,,,,

[vegibean]

NEO, I totally relate to a lot of what you said up there and it still sounds to me like you're going through the process of this whole thing. Many people had told me that the first year was going to be "different" and that could mean so many things. But it is all about finding who YOU are and what works for you. I know I went through it too. Lot's of depression spouts, feelings of boredom but I just worked through them and listened to what others had said about it getting better.

The feelings of missing the drink are going to keep diminishing too, or using....... I'm telling you, eventually life will seem so normal without it.

As for the relationship thing, I also TOTALLY relate to that as well!!! One of my biggest fears has been about getting into a new relationship and doing all those "first" things with someone SOBER?!?!?! It is uncomfortable to think about but as well, lot's of other people have done it, just not us. At least not me.

NEO, you are doing KICK ASS my friend!!!! I think you're doing awesome. Keep up the great work, you are a real inspiration and you have been a great reminder to me of what it was all like for me that first year as well. I finally made it past my second year (YESSS!!!!!) and things are just groovy!!!

[Bamboozle]

NEO...

Thanks for posting your thoughts here.

I found that for me, especially during the first few months, I had to find things to do to occupy my time. What do you like to do? Any outdoor activities? Sports? Video games?

As more time passes I become comfortable with nothing to do. What I mean is not that I'm doing nothing...but the 'nothing' moments aren't scary...I don't feel desperate. It feels peaceful.

Hang in there.

[vegibean]

It feels peaceful.

Amen to that Bamboozle!!!! I hear that one for sure.

[Sikkisirus]

As has been said, drinking is only a very light relief from whatever it is thats bugging you. And then you wake up/come around after a session feeling worse than you did before.

[me11109]

Neo - thanks for your post.

I was in crisis after my 6 month sobriety birthday. The pink cloud was gone. I now had to live my actual life!

Last night, I went out with my sponsor to help one of his sponsees. We went to two meetings in one night (yes, I'm quite a cool guy going to two AA meetings on a Friday night!)

I got home late and woke up tired.

But for some reason I feel so happy right now. I feel blessed.

So for me, it seems that the 12th step work / working with other alcoholics is really working. I can't explain it. This week was just like any other week - boring and normal - yet I am totally happy with it.

So, maybe doing some work helping others will make you see how your life isn't that boring. You can do something that many other people can't (or won't) do. You can help another person find peace.

Cheers my friend. I've always enjoyed your posts and am sorry that you are having a rough day.

[Gypsy Feet]

For the first 8 month I was sober, I did not attend AA meetings and had to avoid getting snippy with the people constantly suggesting them on these boards. Recently I started attending meetings (in the last month or so), and like the above poster, they really do something for me.

Sitting in a room with people fresh off the streets on their first day or two, suffering so openly cuts through all of my bs and brings me right back to where I was. Sitting in a room and listening to people with 20 years sober, who crawled out of gutters far worse than mine humbles me.

I haven't worked the steps, but I will, because for 8 months people on these boards have been telling me that my new life could be found in those rooms, and through the steps, and so far I find they were being honest and truthful, go figure.

I have a place to go if I am lonely or bored, a safe place. I have hope now of having sober friends, recovery minded people who get where I am coming from, and that is huge for me.

[NEOMARXIST]

Thanks everyone for your replies. My moods are going a bit crazy at the moment. I have always found winter to be a bad time of year for my mood in general.

I guess when I start questioning and thinking far too deeply about things (one of my traits!! haha) my thinking does become way outside of the day and I am starting to think about how everyone else is. I am finding thoughts of not drinking/drugging having a strange feeling of sadness and almost dissbelief and I feel sadness. I know that everything will turn out for the best if I stick with it and I am sticking with it but I am finding my thoughts becoming increasingly desperate. I have not had the feeling of desperation that I experienced last night since I got sober this last time.

It is not so much the actual drinking per se but that I feel like I have turned into a character/person that I never used to really like but overall is the sort of person you would want your child to turn out like ie- sensible. I dunno I feel like that rock n' roll part of my personality has been removed in a kind of way even though I know that it really hasn't. I guess I am just starting to really feel the "mind-games" of how not being able to alter my consciousness as a recreational activity creates. I genuinely used to love changing my mood with chemicals/booze and would spend hours and hours reading trip reports and scientific journals about the effects of drugs and alcohol on the mind/body. Drink and drugs was incredibly related to who I felt I was as a person even though how I acted when under the influence was something I became ashmed of.

I have no illusion that my drinking/drugging was social really tbh as I would prefer to drink alone as it comes with much less hassle and embarassment. I know moderation ain't an option and the thought of taking a drink scares me as I know I ain't able to account for my actions and I imagine my mood/actions would probably turn out into a pretty nasty/dark blackout and it scares me to even think about it as I have a car etcetc. I have no control over alcohol and alcohol will control me after i take a drink. I know this and it is why I get anxious when my mind even begins to try to consider booze, it scares me.

I am finding it hard to feel any inspiration about doing any activity's as a non-drinker as it all seems just so uninspiring and mundane and "SENSIBLE and STRAIGHT-LACED". I think that is it crucial to it as I liked the crazyness and madness and feeling of care-free loss of control that the craic that comes with drinking can give. But I know that for me this an illusion which is why I gave it up I suppose. The anticipation of going out just ain't there. Whats the point? seems a little boring though I suppose boring is good?

I know I am an alcoholic and that the notion of moderation is laughable so that is not the issue, more that I feel like I am feeling a little strange and uneasy about the clean, sensible, and straight-laced person i have become. Afterall I am a lead guitarist!! haha. My inspiration for that has gone down the toilet too as I just feel like something is missing without the chemicals being in there as part of the package.

I am just going through the difficult transition pariod I suppose. Also I see everyone with their girlfriends and mates out and living a life free of the struggle that my "mind" seems to have... My mind is a struggle at times.

I am still resolute in my one day at a time sobriety and I will not drink and that ain't the issue really but more that I am feeling overwhelmed and in a state of feeling at times like my best friend has dies or something and a part of me has died.

I know, I know fill the void with steps, if I have to I will but not just yet... my decision. I have been to many AA meetings and will be attending again shortly with an open mind though it is a little tedious to see the same people there week after week, not a great advert for the success rate in some ways I guess. They are all about 20 years my senior as well and I can't really relate to them, sure they are "nice" revoering alkies but do i want what they have? I guess I did do.

Thanks again for all your responses and it means a lot to know that my posts have been of help to people. The mind is a crazy thing man, it can be all positivity and hope one moment and despair the next. My alcoholism is still ever strong as I have to fight the thoughts that say that the people who just dont give a sh*t and carry on drinking/drugging despite obvious problems are the lucky ones.

Peace and love. Ps- my mood was much better earlier in the day at work but it is the coming home and thinking about what I'm not doing and how other my age have everything so sorted and i am so mixed up and vulnerable.

[NEOMARXIST]

Drinking isn't an option, so don't worry about that. That isn't the issue, just letting my thoughts flow as it does undoubtably help...


peace xx

[allport]

Good point about finding out that as a sober person you are not who you thought you were.

I have had numerous relapses (for want of a better term) in the last year, but I have also had long periods of sobriety and the person I am when I am sober doesn't feel like me yet.

I don't necessarily mean in an obvious external way, most of the people I know couldn't really tell the difference but I can.

I often find my self either expressing or thinking something only to pull myself up and realise that I don't feel that way really, it's either a front I have put on to fit in or something I just haven't really put a lot of thought into.

Things I used to love (or thought I did) can sometimes now embarrass me and things that I used to be bored by now are interesting to me.

Don't get me wrong, it's a work in progress and sometimes I really wish I could stop having to evolve as a person and go back to the drunken person I was, not just because of the drink but because this living business is hard work.

And like you I sometimes get stuck in these horrible feelings of fear and worry about the future but to me the choice, while not easy, is obvious.

By the way congratulations on both the length of time you have stayed sober and the fact that you are still asking the questions that will hopefully keep you that way for a long time to come.

[Goat]

Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST

I know I am an alcoholic and that the notion of moderation is laughable so that is not the issue, more that I feel like I am feeling a little strange and uneasy about the clean, sensible, and straight-laced person i have become. Afterall I am a lead guitarist!! haha.

hehe, whenever I hear about someone getting kicked out of a band, it's almost always because the guy was too into his drugs. Even though everyone else in the band is doing it too.

The fact is that the normals can probably handle a little bit of mind-alteration, but us alcoholics can't

So I guess it's either lay off the sauce, or lose the band. And so the image, the lifestyle and the excitement of it are quite beside the point.

I'm not a lead guitarist (man i'm strictly rhythm, I don't wanna make it cry or sing) (sorry, couldn't resist)... but I am a heavy metal guitarist and a biker. And when it comes down to it, consumption of alcohol significantly impairs my ability to do both. So, I am neither sensible, nor straight laced. But I am quite sober today.

-Goat

[Dee74]

I worried I lost my 'fun' side too.

It's amazing how we get sidetracked tho - I was quite literally dying...I got pulled back from the brink on that - and I worried I wasn't fun anymore?

We're whatever we want to be - it's always in our control Neo.

Just give yourself time to adjust to your new way of life - get your sea legs as it were...

You'll find you've changed sure - I'm not a party animal anymore but from this distance I know I never liked parties anyway except for the booze.

I'm free to be whatever I want to be now.
You are too mate

D

[Threshold]

NM, your last post really put some of my own fears out there for me. I'm an artist/alternative spirituality person, and sometimes I wonder what happens to that, if there is a place for it in my sober life...not that I really felt I used substance to fuel my work, I didn't...but it's not just about substance, it's about a different life, not riding the extremes and I know I used my extremes as fuel, if not inspiration...for a lot of my art and spiritual work.

I'm literally flat on my ass after major surgery, taking a **** and **** right now is a huge deal, the only way I can get through it is to sit, totally relax, ignore the pain, breathe and let it happen...and it hurts nearly more than I can bear.

I'm trying the same approach to the other huge changes in my life, trying to not let the terror force me into reacting...just keep breathing and let the process take care of itself...not forcing it, not holding it back and not reacting to the pain.

I know I need to **** and **** to live. I know I need to stay clean to live. So I'm just breathing and not reacting to the pain and terror, and I know in time the healing will take me to a better place.

[mandyana]

Hey Neo,

Wow, thanks for your post. I am feeling exactly the same, I am also 23 and on day 23 funnily enough. I thought after not drinking for a couple of weeks I would find myself an it would all be able to get on with my new sober life, but I am finding out I don't really know myself sober. I have drank heavily since I was 13, and getting wrecked has always been my identity, it feels very scary at our age to have to get to know yourself when everything you have done growing up/first times you have been drunk.
I also find it a bit daunting at the meetings as I am always the youngest by far and feel people aren't really taking me seriously (this is probably just in my head-I know), but when you listen to people who have completed the steps they are so happy, and happy they kept going back.
Anyway, thanks very much for sharing and everyone who has commented, I am going to go to at least 1 meeting tomorrow and bag myself a sponsor and get through these bloomin steps pronto! I had a woman volunteer but she doesn't have much spare time, she has time once a week when I am usually working-so I'm just going to get someone else. Hope you get started on the steps as well.

Take care