24 more minutes

[SeekingPeace01]

I just got home from work, and I'm trying to keep myself from rushing to the grocery store for alcohol. It's the end of Day 3, beginning of Day 4. Hour #82-ish??

Getting off work is always the worst. I don't work again until 8 tonight. Rushed home to get on here. This is the first urge I've experienced since I took that last drink. I felt like vomiting all night. Have no idea why. And for some reason the toes on both feet have been going numb since about 5 . . . The thought of drinking makes me want to vomit, though, as well. I'm not a fidgeter, and I'm restless and tapping my foot.

20 more minutes. 15 actually because I wouldn't make it to the store in time to buy alcohol if I left in 14 minutes. Really wonder why I've wanted to throw up all night. I don't think I'm detoxing. If I was, wouldn't it have been a couple days ago?? Maybe I just drank too much coffee today. Made my stomach acidic.

12 more minutes. So ummmmmmm . . .

Once upon a time, there was this little spider that lived in a tree in the woods. It was a tall magical tree, and the only one of its kind amidst the miles of trees that surrounded it.

The little spider's name was Chip. Now, one would think a spider named Chip would be an uptight, pretentious little spider, one that should live in a tree in a Harvard fraternity yard or something, but no . . . Chip was just a normal little wood spider that happened to live in a magical tree. Way better than any tree you'd find at some Ivy League school. I bet he was much smarter than any of those fraternity spiders as well.

9 more minutes.

So, one day, Chip's best friend, Matilda, an enchanted yet antisocial fairy came a knockin' on his door. Well, it wasn't actually a door, it was more of a giant leaf shading his web from the bright sunshine . . . anyway . . . Matilda, who has a gentle touch, tapped lightly upon the leaf asking Chip to come out and play.

7 minutes.

Chip and Matilda had known each other for many, many years (dude, how long do spider's live? doesn't matter, this is a fairytale spider the yearning alcoholic says), and though they differed greatly in size, as fairies in this forest grew tall as giants, they loved to explore the woods together all day long.

holy crap. 4 MINUTES!!

So, that one day, when she tapped . . .

Oh god, who cares.

2 more minutes.




1 more minute.

Excellent.

Love you guys. As she lights a victory cigarette.

I shall be sober another day.

.........................sigh..................... .....

[Chance]

It won't last long the urg! Just try to focus your mind on something else. Try to escape the thought....

[SeekingPeace01]

holy f-bombs that sucked. still feel like throwing up. WHAT in heck is up with that?? My stomach is just in knots. It's felt like lead since Tuesday, but now my body is just screaming at me. Totally not the flu or anything. I even checked my temp HOPING it might be though I despise getting sick . . .

I kept telling myself all night that it was my body releasing all of this negative energy that I've been holding so close. I told myself that all of this bad energy probably needs to purge more than the alcohol I've packed my cells with over the years.

I can't even cry. I'm trying to make myself cry just to get this out, and I can't even squeeze one little tear out. And oddly enough, I'm trained to cry on cue. Not tonight, I guess. Not tonight.

Why? Why? Why? Did this urge have to come back???????

I've been feeling so amazing and confident. Went into the liquor store to buy cigs yesterday and just looking at the bottles made me want to vomit. What is up with this feeling in my stomach? And no, I'm not preggo, and if I am, wait for the apocalypse soon, because I'm the second immaculate conception.

Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

All right. Whatever. I accept it. I feel it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Bad energy, I release you.

[gingerblue]

You got through it. Think of how good you will feel in the morning when you wake up, KNOWING you had the strength to stay sober another day. The alternative being feeling like utter crud, both physically and mentally, if you had given in to it. I know THAT feeling...and I am glad that you won't be feeling it tomorrow!





I managed not to drink today, too. And now I'm wide awake at 2:00...LOL!

[mxchaos]

great job!
a minute at a time adds up...
keep it up

[SeekingPeace01]

OMG. So, I just opened my fridge to see if I have any food (I never do, but thought maybe I did) . . . and I dug in for some water . . . and there, behind a bottle of apple juice, sat a bottle of Sam Adams Light from Saturday night. It's now just sitting on my desk, in front of me, staring at me. I'm staring at it. Why haven't I dumped it out yet?

After all that minute counting, and here is this beer sitting in my fridge. Wtf?



F-this sh**

God, that makes me lmao. You see this, alcohol?? Coincidence or testing universe? You see this? It's called my middle finger and that big white thing is called my freaking toilet.

Gone. Grrrrr. How funny is that??? All that minute counting and that little jerk was just chillin' in my fridge. Pffffffff.

Not only shall I stay sober today, but not even a stupid "one", not gonna get loaded off this, just a little sip, all alone in my apt, bottle is gonna change that . . .

Who was the dumba** that left that in there? Oh yeah, the out of control drunk girl that use to live here.

I CANNOT believe that was in there. lol

[anono]

Well done!

[Tazman53]

Congrats on not picking up SeekingPeace01, doing what ever one needs to do to stay sober, you did well, I called folks that understood what was up in my head, the conversation with me saying stuff about wanting/needing a drink and within minutes it would be about fishing, boating, recovery, and then suddenly I would realise that the craving/ obsession was gone.

[Threshold]

Here is an idea from a book called the Writer's diet...since you clearly are a writer and turn to it as a coping tool....this helps me work out what I am really craving..because it's easy when some random ****** feeling comes up to assume that the answer is drink/drug/food/your addiction here...when actually often it's about something else, we are just used to addressing every issue the same way..so, when a "craving" comes up, first stop and ask (and write out the answers in a journal or here or wherever)

The Four Questions - Before you eat, ask yourself: Am I hungry? Is this what I feel like eating? Is this what I feel like eating now? Is there something else that I could eat instead?

Except insert your craving or addiction in place of hunger/food.

I use this alot to get to the heart of what I am really feeling, and which feelings I am really trying to bury, and to find better ways of addressing them

[Saphie]

Well done, especially after finding the beer. That was almost too creepy for coincidence.
You'll be fine. You seem a very strong person. It's not unusual for your body to rebel for a while with feeling sick etc. And yes drinking lots of coffee doesn't help, I know cause I'm a coffee freak. BTW tomorrow morning I expect the end of the story. You can't do this to us. Start a good one and then it's 'to be continued'. That's like good television.
Take it easy, keep posting and maybe you should buy your cigarettes somewhere else for while. Just a suggestion.

[SeekingPeace01]

Thanks guys!

LOL Saphie . . . not sure if there was an end to that story . . . just that beginning so I could do something until 2 But it does sound like a little something that maybe I can actually build on at a later date . . . that would be a funny story to have under my belt . . . not just the Chip/Matilda story, but how it was born . . .

Great suggestions all! Much love!

[Anna]

It could be anxiety that you're feeling and is causing the nausea, restlessness, etc. The early days of recovery for me, were full of anxiety. Know that it will get better and that you can get through this.

[smacked]

Well done.. and I hope that's not all we hear about Chip and Matilda!!

[thirtybubba]

Well done, glad you got through the night

Those cravings are something else, huh? That beer was just a test... hope you've tossed it by now. This is where "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" comes into play.

And yeah, more Chip and Matilda.


Take care--forward is the right direction,
TB

[rondfw777]

My first 3 weeks sober was one of the worst in my life. No sleep,stomach in a knot,could not eat,worst anxiety ever and had no craving to drink,but just wanted the living hell to go away.
Last monday I went back to work and my mind and body have been so busy,have not had time to worry and all the symptoms have vanished. It just took 2 days for all the anxiety and sleeping problems to go away,almost like a overnight miracle. Now I sleep like a dog,eat good and now know that if I sat around and kept doing nothing,I would still be miserable.
It was a tough 3 weeks until I found out that my Idle mind was keeping me from getting well instantly. I would highly prescribe exercise to anyone who is having trouble with all that I just mentioned.
Brain fog? Now thats a whole different animal. What did I just write? LOL.

Hang tough! It gets better

[jahnilee59]

Hate to be whiney, but I was enjoying the story. Good job on the refrigerator bomb. John in Oklahoma