3 weeks into relapse

[brokenhalo]

I was 100 days into my sobriety and I think I know what happened. Everything was going well till about 75 days in, then everything started to pile up. With each new issue, all the other problems became inflated and exaggerated in my mind. I was sitting next to the “F**k it switch” waiting for the next thing to tip me over the edge. It was like I was anticipating it, almost hoping for it; that final drop in the bucket that could be used to justify a full blown relapse. OF COURSE IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Sheesh! In three weeks I have ruined my budget, screwed up repaired relationships, screwed up new and healthier relationships, lost weight, screwed up at work, screwed up my hopes for an occupation change, and my self-esteem absolutely crumbled. I was certain that I would have stopped sooner, but I kept telling myself, “well, you’ve come this far, one more day can’t hurt.” Then, the cravings would become as intense as they were when I quit after several years of heavy drinking. I need help to stop. I can’t do it on my own and I have been stressed about returning to AA. This place is what initiated my sobriety last time, so I am back looking for support. I can’t live like this. When I drink I am a completely different person. I am bipolar, so when I drink I go off my medications because of the negative interaction, then I just get worse. Three weeks is all it took. Thank you for reading. My best,
Brokenhalo

[ANGELINA243]

Glad you are here. You will find much support here at SR! You don't have to go through this alone. We do recover. Just don't give up hope.

[brokenhalo]

thank you angelina, and i haven't given up hope. i don't pretend i don't have a problem. i am not scared to admit it. i also know i can stop again. i did it and it felt great for a while. i want to get back there again. thank you for the support.
bh

[Threshold]

I'm bi-polar too. I nodded as I read your opening post. About anticipating, nearly hoping for that excuse to tumble back into old behavior.

I hate the word relapse, I just hate it, but hey, if we can relapse into using, we can relapse into sobriety too , right?

going back to using is never the same because we have experienced ourselves as sober. We can't be who we were before, of course sometimes that encourages us toward deeper levels of depravity, trying to top our previous efforts, but really, deep down, we can't lie to ourselves that convincingly.

I have found it useful, to cultivate sobriety, to work on those life skills, even if I am still using...so that when I get clean...I have some more tools to work with. I'm clean now.l can't promise forever, but I don't use the term relapse anymore, because it's not an all or nothing deal. I mean, yes, I need to stop using forever, but using again doesn't mean I haven't made real progress, or that I am back at square one or that I get a five yard penalty.

Everything that happens is still another step forward, there IS no going back, not really. That is a lie that keeps us down. We aren't back where we were, back who we were, we are a new us, trying on some old behavior,and clearly, not so happy about it., because here you are!

I just hate the word relapse....

You are still making progress. WE are still making progress. so, let's knit together some more clean days...and see that we didn't necessarily pull apart all the good we did when we were clean, we don't lose everything and have to start from scratch.

good to meet you

[brokenhalo]

threshold, thanks for the awesome response. i appreciate everything you just said. i will try to respond more soon, but for now, thanks alot. be well,
bh