Not made any progress

[thiskidknows]

I'm not technically new here just haven't been around for a while. When i first came I was drinking heavy, I thought i could cut down, I couldn't and now I'm drinking a litre of vodka a day, and the last few months I've started using coke and heroin as well. I have recentely started seeing a DIP worker (drug intervention programme), but I still can't seem to cope with life without using or drinking. I'm not good in groups, in fact large groups of people freak me out so I wouldn't make it thru the doors of an AA or NA group.

I've managed to get myself into a bad situation that's getting worse not better, withdrawals and cravings are getting stronger.

To be honest, the reason I came back here is because there is nobody around me who understands, a few people know that i'm using as well as drinking and i just get told to "stop", or "i'm being stupid"...but its not helping..being shouted at is making me want to use and drink more...does that make any sense.

sorry to be posting to say, i'm now clean...I'm not, I'm worse off now then I was when I joined.

sorry, hope everyone else is doing relatively ok.

[Dee74]

It's always weird to say 'welcome back' in cases like this, but you know what I mean TKN
You already know what a supportive place this is - I'm glad you chose us to come back to.

D

[Horselover]

I am glad you came back, but I do have to say something because I can relate in a big way to you. You were talking about not being good in big groups and I know I have that problem and I bet you that you and I aren't the only ones. When I went to AA I was scared to death. This was back in my early 20s. I am currently 43 years old and so this was a bit ago. I still remember like it happened yesterday though. I worked in a big city, actually, Chicago and I went on my lunch hour. I was absolutely terrified. I walked in ready to bolt any moment and was greeted by 2 of the nicest people I have ever met. They were both older women and just so nice. They both started talking to me and could tell I wasn't ready to say anything and so they continued to talk. They insisted I come sit with them and then the meeting started. I can't tell you what that meeting was about that day, but I can picture those 2 dear people as if they were in the same room with me right now. They were the reason I stayed in AA for as long as I did, which was months. In my 20s I was pretty bull headed and not ready to admit to my alcoholism. I did leave AA, but it was my fault totally.

I understand the fear, but its usually far worse in our heads then in reality. You don't have to speak at the meetings and you want people that can relate to you well then I can't think of a better place. I would say that SR wasn't doing it for you before and a group of people just might save your life.

I'm glad you came back here though. I hope you stop using and drinking. I know you can. There are many here that started where you're standing and they are sober now. You can be too.

[thiskidknows]

Ty Dee, and yeah I know the support is good here.

Horselover, thank you for sharing ur experience at ur first meeting...I don't think I'm ready to face groups, I never have been someone who "mixes" well in large groups (usually end up in a panic attack). If I had the confidence to mix it might help a little, but i have bad experiences of large groups so the thought terrifies me. I am meant to be seeing a alcohol worker next week but it will be one on one, although my drug worker has said she will help me with my drink as well...so i'm not sure what to do, do they go hand in hand....is it better to have a drink worker, and a drug worker, or someone who can help with both...my heads confused over what to do about that..too many people involved tends to make me push them away because i get freaked out.

pathetic eh?..get the chance of having 2 workers and I freak...when some people can't even get one...but I need people who understand outside of that one hour meeting them...makes little sense I know.

[Horselover]

I had a panic attack at my husband's office party. I knew no one and as soon as I walked in it hit and we left. I do know what you are talking about some what. You are doing what you need to do and that's great.

[joedris]

If large groups of people freak you out, then seek small groups. You're in admittedly bad shape, my friend, and it ain't gonna get any better unless you do something about it. Like right now. You cannot lick this problem by yourself, and you're well aware of this. You need some serious help, some serious support. I suggest very strongly that you go to AA. Find a small group. If you don't like the people, then find another small group.
You want people who understand? These people have been through exactly what you're going through. You're not going to be talking to a bunch of people who can't relate to your problems. And this group has, for the most part, been pretty successful in recovering from their addictions. They do this by helping one another and the 12 step program of AA. You need help and it's available. The choice here is simple. You can set aside your problem with groups and get the help you need, or you can continue on your downward slide to the point where you end up in an asylum or an early grave.

[OzSandy]

I've got a CBT counselor and a D & A counselor. They're both part of the same unit so they can compare notes. I need to see them both because I have both mental health and alcohol problems.

Right now I'm getting by with that. I'm not comfortable in groups either - I've got Autism. But now and then I know I have to do something to get outside of my comfort zone, so I made myself go to a few meetings. I did get some security from the meetings and the program being very structured, and it was nice hearing people talk whom I could connect and identify with. Knowing what to expect can help matters. Your First AA Meeting< But I was only going about once a month, which was not really enough to get to know anybody or get involved with the program. And it was 90 minutes for me to travel by bus. So I haven't been for awhile. If I could drive I could get to a meeting half an hour from here. I may still keep it open as an option - my alcohol counselor is encouraging me to get my license so I have greater mobility.

Good luck anyhow with the f2f support with the therapists. I've been lucky with mine. And I can call either of them if I'm going through a crisis.

[penny74]

That can't be healthy what you are doing to yourself.
You won't last long if you go on like that.
Time for for action ?

[CarolD]

I suggest you use both counselors ...at least for a few months.
As you know....the more asistance you use... the better.

Hope you will soon find your way into a healthy future...

[thiskidknows]

ty for your replies. I am also seeing a CPN but i don't get on with her (she talks down at me, rather then too me and also shouts and says i've let her down, lots of other things as well but hey)....I was seeing a counsellor but she left suddenly, i started seeing someone else but they then said i was too unstable to continue with counselling and needed more pyschological help...

I've been told I have BPD which I do disagree with, my drug worker (who has also worked in mental health) thinks I have an underlying mental health condition (bi-polar) and that i'm using and drinking to self medicate my moods (which to an extent I am).

I did have my drinking under control or so I thought, and I hadn't used coke for a while but then in June after I was r* I hit this massive self destruction button and have gone further and further down. I have drunk since i was 12, i first got drunk though when i was 7, alochol has been a massive part of my life, but now it is my life, and heroin is starting to as well.

I drink, i use coke to stay alert, i drink more, i use heroin to "clear" my head and make me drowsy, and calm...its a vicious circle. when i'm hyper i use heroin, when i'm low i use coke...

I honestly don't feel ready to walk into and sit in a group, I need to work on some other "issues" I think before I would even get to the door. my drug worker has said she will help me, and won't run (I still doubt her, but so far she's been true to her word).

I am worried about 2nite as i've a "friend" coming over and we use together, he doesn't use coke and doesn't drink as much as me, but he's coming over and the cravings, urges, withdrawals are getting so bad that i need a hit...I dreamt of heroin last night, I don't inject but in my dream i was injecting, and I don't want to do that, but know that at the moment I need a instant hit.

guess I should make a call really to my worker, or some helpline or I think I could end up going on a bad track 2nite.

[OzSandy]

It really sounds to me like you need extra support at the moment. And a new approach. First things first, give AA or NA hotline a call to talk about your concerns, I'm sure it's something that can be addressed.

[Tazman53]

Welcome back to SR thiskidknows.

Glad to hear you are already talking to professionals.

You say you do not like large groups, why not call the AA hotline in your area and ask about small groups, they are out there!

Keep drinking and drugging and one of 2 things will happen, you will either die or the drugs and the drink will force you to get over your fear of groups.

Do you fear having to speak? I know one guy that went to an AA meeting ecery day for a year and NEVER said a word. no one tried to make him say anything either.

Do you fear having people look at you? Sit in the back row and just listen.

Perhaps you could go to what is called a "Speakers" meeting, all you and everyone else does is sit down & list to one person tell their story, that is it!

Do you think you are alone in your fears? You are not!!! One of the main reasons so many people die from drugs and alcoholism is FEAR!!!! Both of them cause paranoia!

Scared of being clean and sober? I was and every single person I know in AA had the very same fear!!!!

I spent many years thinking "I am different.", "No one knows what problems I have!", "No one likes me.", "Every one looks down on me.", "I am not worthy of being clean and sober."Everyone is out to get me!"

I was wrong on every count!!!!! How did I find out? People in AA!!! You see most of them had those exact same feelings and like me those feelings/fears, damn near killed them.

Do you have any sober & clean friends that know about your drinking and drugging problem? If they are a friend I can assure you that if you asked them to come to an AA meeting with you they would.

Would you like to talk to some one one on one? Call the AA hotline, that can easily be arranged, they can even take you to a meeting.

[thiskidknows]

wow that pretty much sums it up, i didn't say anything cause I felt like a freak if i did..how can someone be scared of talking, looking at people, worrying about being "dry"...I rarely even talk to my DIP worker, I make little eye contact with people and those that "know my problems" i make no eye contact what so ever...I worry how I will cope with out drinking or using, wiill i ever have a calm moment, will my head ever stop racing...I don't feel safe where i live, i don't feel safe anywhere really, but when i drink or use (i know its weird cause ur not "really" safe) but i feel safe...will i lose that as well, the sense of being safe.

I don't have the AA number, I can get the address from the place i go to my support worker but I don't have any local numbers, of any number.

[OzSandy]

I'm in Australia but I think this is it.

Alcoholics Anonymous - 0845 769 7555, Alcoholics Anonymous Great Britain

Alcoholics Anonymous | AA | in England, Scotland and Wales, UK

[Tazman53]

how can someone be scared of talking, looking at people, worrying about being "dry"...

If some one is an alcoholic/addict it is the norm and not the exception!

I make little eye contact with people and those that "know my problems" i make no eye contact what so ever

I was that way for MANY years, today thanks to being sober and taking the steps I look the whole world in the eye, I no longer have the shame or guilt that my alcoholism brought me. Shame & guilt is one huge weapon that alcohol & drugs use.

Think about it, we drink or drug to much and we start to suffer from guilt and shame.... how do we escape from the guilt and shame? We drink and drug!!! It is a vicous cycle, the alcohol and drugs seem to be the only way to rid our selfs of the shame and guilt! The steps of AA offered us a solution to guilt and shame that do not involve the guilt and shame brought upon us by drugs and alcohol.

I worry how I will cope with out drinking or using

Trust me, I had the same worries in spades, alcohol was my life for many years, the last 5 years I drank I did nothing (Except work & sleep) unless I was drinking! I did not draw a sober breath my last 5 years. I was scared to death of sobriety because I did not know how to live life sober!!! What I have found is that every single thing I did while drinking I can do BETTER today and I remember what I did the next day!!!

What is even better is the number of new things I do and can do today because I am sober!!! The world has become my oyster if I choose to pursue it!

will my head ever stop racing

Mine did, it did not happen quickly, but it did happen, it took me staying sober, it took time, work, and taking the steps, once I started working on cleaning up the wreckage of my past the "racing" slowed, the more wreckage I cleaned up the slower it got. Today I can be alone at peace with myself and the world, one additional reason for this is I no longer have any secrets.

will i lose that as well, the sense of being safe.

Absolutely NOT!!!! I feel safe today, I have no fear of people any more because I no longer owe any one anything! I have made amends to those I have harmed. I have no fear of bill collectors or my power or gas being shut off because I actually pay my bills now! I feel safe driving because I know that if a cop pulls me over I will not get arrested for being drunk or high and there will be nothing in my truck that is illegal.

Think about it, do you really feel safe when you are holding? Do you REALLY feel safe drunk? Could it be that you are mistaking escaping reality by drinking and drugging for a feeling of safety? When I was drunk I had no fear because I really did not give a SH!T, not because I felt safe.

I don't have the AA number, I can get the address from the place i go to my support worker but I don't have any local numbers, of any number.

PM me where you are in Engalnd and I will see if I can get you the phone number, but if you look in your phone book it is listed under the "A"s, I promise!!!

PLEASE understand that YOU ARE NOT ALONE no matter how lonely the drugs and alcohol make you feel!

[Wolfchild]

welcome back

[smacked]

Welcome back..

About the 'being freaked out by groups' thing.. I promise you that an AA meeting will be a smaller group than you face walking down most streets, in most shopping stores, banks, parks etc. You DONT have to talk, or 'mix' with people in an AA meeting, in fact crosstalking isn't really allowed. People share, you listen. And listen, and listen. And leave, hopefully feeling better than when you showed up.

Also, being a person with a handful of mental health diagnoses.. I would be wary of anyone trying to diagnose you with anything like you have been, while you're in active addiction. If I were still drinking, snorting coke, and shooting smack into my arms and other fun areas.. I'd have confirmed another handful of diagnostic criteria for mental illnesses as well.

Drinking, and doing the drugs you're doing made me into a social disaster too. The super cool thing is, it was the chemicals, not me.. once I cleaned myself up, and started getting healthy body and mind, I also found that I LIKE people.. I lost my crutch that I thought was a severe case of social phobia.. my self esteem shot through the roof, i thought I was also some damaged lost soul damned to lock myself away freaking out at life. That didn't work well for me, and then I got sober and my entire world changed.

I know it's scary.. and it's hard to imagine something you've yet to experience.. the freedom from what you're doing to yourself. I promise you it can happen, if you're willing. Until then.. nothing changes.

[Threshold]

you are not worse off than the first time you came here, or you'd not have come back. You know you want something different for yourself, and you are dancing with that, that's progress.

Still using, yes, but for some of us, we need to make some sort of peace with the idea of sobriety before we are prepared to say bye to our old lifestyle. If we have no sober life, then when we stop using...what is there?

That's a real valid concern and that is one that needs to be addressed for some of us before we make the leap (and some of us hop back and forth for awhile) For many their AA or NA group becomes their sober life those first few weeks or months, it can serve that role, so can a group like this, or you can find or build niches in your life so that when you stop using, you have something to do, somewhere to go and people to talk to. That's super important.

We need to know there is life waiting for us.

There is life waiting for you. You can let go of substances because there are good things that fill the same roles.

you are here, talking to people who are living examples of that. There is life beyond using, and beyond addiction groups, there is life.

Welcome to life.

[thiskidknows]

ty for ur replies and the advice you have given. I've tried not to drink and failed. bottle of vodka brought and drinking. I should be able to control this. I tried to call the number but the moment a man answered and i freaked and thought here we go again, a man trying to control me, I know its not that way, mentally i know that emotionally i just hung up and couldn't speak. where ever i call its like i'm being punished as a man always answers and i'm not comfortable "talking" to a man, over the internet, via emails, face to face (when had a drink or high), I can..but when it comes to talking about me....Its like another "obstical" that i've now put in the way. Hope this doesn't offend any man who might read this, its not my intention, i know that they are good men out there, that men understand just as much as women...and its something I need to emotionally accept.

Even when I've called samaritans in the past, a man has answered, i call back another man answers....i'm sure its not just men...maybe someone is telling me something either 1) I'm not meant to get the help
2) Its only a man that can help.

Everyone is commentiing about my drinking, even on facebook...I don't want people to know that I'm struggling to cut back (been told not to stop..but to cut back slowly).

Does anyone know if there is a place in Kent/London area that you can call to talk, and speak preferably to a lady...sounds stupid I know. sorry

[PandorasFate]

Hey kid,
I have no idea how the medical system works in the UK, but here stateside there a few doctors that work in cross-treating Autism spectrum disorders and dependency. Since your body already has a natural tendency to dissociate, any chemical that increases the dissociative affects of your brain hit you far harder than someone who has standard chemistry. So many people are popping up in america with Aspergers and other spectrums, that in many cases patients are being rediagnosed from basic somatoform disorders/ bipolar/ schizophrenoform, that you may have better luck in treatment querying doctors here.

Best of luck to you.

[coming_clean]

sometimes you need to get worse before you get better...

[thiskidknows]

why do they have to hve fireworks, why can't they be banned or made to go somewhere in the middle of no where so we don't have to hear the loud bang bang bang all the time. i don't like it. i hate it so much. I don't understand what you mean about being rediagnosed? that my diagnosis could be wrong becasue of my drinking and drugs. the fireworks are getting closer. I need to drink and use to pass out i don't like the sounds.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by thiskidknows

why do they have to hve fireworks, why can't they be banned or made to go somewhere in the middle of no where so we don't have to hear the loud bang bang bang all the time. i don't like it. i hate it so much. I don't understand what you mean about being rediagnosed? that my diagnosis could be wrong becasue of my drinking and drugs. the fireworks are getting closer. I need to drink and use to pass out i don't like the sounds.

What you are describing is not typical with-drawl symptoms. Try this link and if you don't see anything matching your experience get professional help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...periences.html (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) Experiences)

[thiskidknows]

is it these i shoul;d be looking at as i get some but not all, i get pins and needles in my hands, i shake badly, i wake up sweating, but cold/clammy too touch, then after a few hours i'm cold. i don't know.. i only drink about a bottle of vodka a night which i think is about 25 unitts that what i been told...I don't know what's wrong with me. nobody does but drinking and using helps. i'm stupid i know. sorry

Cognitive (possible affects):

- Concentration and attention span impaired.
- Confusion
- Racing or recycling thoughts (highly distracting).
- Thoughts scattered and incoherent.
- Rigid thinking and lack of (normal) required flexibility.
- Difficulties with abstract and conceptual thoughts.
- Cause and effect reasoning impaired.
- Themes and threads connecting events not recognised.
- Prioritization (management of one's time and energy) impaired.

Emotional (possible affects):

- Emotionally dead or emotionally hyper.
- Small events of little consequence treated as catastrophic.
- Valent thoughts (not bonded with reality/experience) difficult to shake.
- social withdrawal.
- Recovering alcoholic believes they are going, or have gone, mad.
- Lack of emotion affects personal resolve to stay sober.

Memory (possible affects):

- Recently learned information (within last 30 minutes) quickly forgotten.
- New skills or routines not learned or assimilated naturally (if at all).
- Information retained but then lost after days/weeks.
- Developmental and childhood memories broken (patchy early memory).

[thiskidknows]

I keep reading the emotionally dead and emotionally hyper part does that mean it could be drink related and not "mental" related? as that is me, i'm never calm unless its "induced"..so i'm doing this to myself, i'm "causing" even more problems for me?. when i'm hyper i do crazy things. on a bipolar test they done i scored 45 but i don't know what it means and go back monday. i don't know. they just stick labels on me and i don't like it. they wanted me to go to brenchley unit (personaility disorder unit near where i live), but i refused cause i dono't think i do ahve one. I get confused. the nosies are triggers for me and when i get triggered i don't cope.