8am Wal Mart booze run I am so ashamed

[lovinmenow]

So, after six months on antabuse, (you know the drug that makes you real sick if you drink) I went off last week just from pure laziness to take the meds. Was off for 8 days.

Monday the little voice said "why not buy a bottle of wine and make a nice dinner and relax and watch Dancing with the Stars." Well, that bottle was gone by Tuesday morning when I start feeling like crap so I went to the liquer store and bought a six pack of Sminoff Ice and a little bottle of Vodka. Finished that last night about 7pm and spent all night last night puking and pooping!

No sleep. A little shaky but in my craving to feel more normal I made a Wal Mart booze run this morning. I bought a bunch of groceries and a four pack of little bottles of wine. Tapering off now and I swear I will do it.

I did it before to go on the meds to begin with. I will all let you know of my progress.

I must say for the past several months it has been bliss and I really felt like a normal person. As long as I stayed on my meds I was fine and frankly I thought about drinking many times but I couldn't and would just go home and immediately take my pill. Lots of energy and my mind came back sharp.

I will take it again on Friday and get my SH)t back together.

Just had to test my "normalness" and I failed big time. I am so ashamed. Who else but drunks buy booze at 8am? I am sure I fooled no one.

[yeahgr8]

And round and round you go again:-(

Please think about getting into a program of recovery AA, SMART...whatever...

[Bamboozle]

Just pick yourself up and move forward.

Hang out here a lot if you need to...I've spent hours at a time at SR just to stay sober.

Oh, yeah...beating yourself up doesn't help. Everytime I did that I gave myself that as an excuse to drink.

Treat yourself well...be nice/kind to yourself. Nuture your inner child...whatever you want to call it.

And don't neglect your physical health. Lots of sleep is good.


Take it easy.

[Tazman53]

lovinmenow have you thought that possibly being forced to not drink by taking antabuse is not recovery but forced sobriety?

Have you considered working a program of recovery?

Look deep inside of your self and ask your self "Did I quit taking the antabuse out of laziness or because I wanted to drink?"

Have you changed one thing about you?

I know the old me was a drunk!!!!

I had to change the old me, it took a lot of work on my part, I changed and continue to work on changing, I am no longer the self centered, egotist drunk with an inferiority complex I was when I drank, I am a different man today, today I am a recovering alcoholic who has found a solution for life that works for me that in no way involves alcohol or a drug as an answer for ANYTHING.

I spent many years trying to stop drinking by simply doing nothing but not drinking. I was a drunk, I did not change, drunks drink and because I had changed nothing about me I went to the only thing I knew how to do time and time again, I always wound up drinking again fullfilling my destiny as a drunk.

[lovinmenow]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. You are right. Round and round I go. Just gotta get back on that horse. I appreciate the advise about meetings but for some reason they only make me wanna drink more. It sort of reminds of what I can't have and they can also be a real drag: ya know listening to everyone B(*ch about booze for an hour. Maybe I am just too selfish. Aside from this relapse, 6 months without booze is the longest I have spent in 15 years. I have made progress. Just had a setback and I really need to get back on track.

Hey Tazman, you are absolutely right. It is forced sobriety but hey, I will take it any way I can get it. Why do I drink? I really am a pretty happy person. I have a great life. I think I drink because I am happy. We all have a little voice in our heads that tell us to drink. Mine does not want to escape, it is more like, "wow I am so happy. How about If I cozy up on the couch with my dogs and watch a movie and eat some pizza, Yay." It is not like I need escape or have a bad life. I guess I just grew up like that. I lived in a cold climate most or my life and cozying up with a little wiskey after the snowman fest has always been fun. Trouble happens when it feels too too good though.

Have you evey met anyone who drank because they are happy? I need to start a new thread on the roots of our drinking.

[Saphie]

Please don't do it. I did it on Monday, ya know that little voice that says just one. Went through that big bottle of wine in no time. You know yourself and you know darn well that for us, one is not enough.

Recognize this? Your very own words to stop me and wise ones I know, so lets just take each others advise for today. If your meds are working, why wait until Friday? Start today and as for buying booze at 8 a.m. Well I couldn't do that as we can only buy at liquor stores and they don't open til 9 a.m. but I sure have started drinking not just buying at 8 a.m. and yes I am a drunk.

[Anna]

Sure, I drank because I was happy, and for tons of other reasons too. I felt like drinking was the only response to any kind of emotion.

I hope that you get through this relapse and begin to recover.

[vegibean]

Hey loveinme, I've got a share for ya. I went through treatment and the Dr. wanted to put me on antabuse, I said "NO!!" My reason being that if I'm going to be sober I have TO LEARN HOW TO GET SOBER AND STAY SOBER on my own.

I could even think of every reason to pick up today but it's not worth it. This is me that's keeping me sober. I have a sponsor, I apply the 12 Steps in my life every day. I was on Prozac for two years and am now finally off of that as well. I'm staying sober on my own and doing what I do every day. It's work at first but eventually it does become a part of daily life.

I have not followed a lot of your posts but when I read this one up there I felt compelled to share that. I wish you the best and I hope that you can figure out what it is that you need to do for yourself to keep you sober. I just feel that the antabuse is like a crutch, while it's keeping you sober, it really isn't, if that makes sense. And why I didn't want to take it.

Good luck and hope you're feeling better soon!!!

[Saphie]

You drink because you are happy?
I think it's wonderful that you are happy with your life and family. Something to be really grateful for.
Have you considered that maybe you drink because maybe you are an alcoholic?
It's an addiction nothing more certainly not less and it has nothing to do with feeling in a certain way. I started drinking when I was a young teenager having fun with friends. So called 'happy times'. Food for thought I hope. Don't give up. I'm coming around for today at least.

[lovinmenow]

You rock! Thanks for the words of encouragement and heartfelt congratulations on your sobriety. I am so happy for you. You have made a lot of great points and you are right, you need to quit on your own. I wish I had the guts but I tried and kept relapsing. For the first time in three years since I discovered I was an alcoholic I actually was sober for six whole months. That was a big accomplishment for the. I will take sobriety any way I can. Keep up the great work and the words of encouragement.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

Aside from this relapse, 6 months without booze is the longest I have spent in 15 years. I have made progress. Just had a setback and I really need to get back on track.

I beg to differ. You may have spared your body and mind the effects of drinking over the last six months, but I don't see where you've made any progress.

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

Hey Tazman, you are absolutely right. It is forced sobriety but hey, I will take it any way I can get it. Why do I drink?

Would be nice if that plan of action worked, but if you take the time you will read countless stories of alcoholic-and addicts, for that matter-that had to undergo periods of enforced sobriety, when the restraints were taken away, they took right back up where they left off. You drink because you have a drinking problem.

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

Have you evey met anyone who drank because they are happy? I need to start a new thread on the roots of drinking.

And then....what? You figure out all of the reasons-excuses-you use to justify drinking, the obsession to drink is lifted? Let us know how that works out.

[Tazman53]

It is forced sobriety but hey, I will take it any way I can get it.

And the next time your head starts to think that a drink is a good idea all you have to do is stop the antabuse again. Relapses are not spur of the moment instantaneous things that pop up out of the blue, every person that I know that has relapsed once they start to get thier head back on straight see that the relapse really began long before they actually drank. Kind of like getting to lazy to take the antabuse.

Why do I drink? I really am a pretty happy person. I have a great life. I think I drink because I am happy.

Have you evey met anyone who drank because they are happy? I need to start a new thread on the roots of our drinking.

Well I had and still have a good life, the reason I drank for the last 20 years I drank was because I am an alcoholic!

I drank when life was grand, I drank when life sucked! I drank because the sun rose! I drank because I breathed, in the end I drank to exist.

You may want to speak to your doctor about how long you can safely take antabuse, here are some of the possible side effects which I would imagine with prolonged use the chances of at least one happening increase.

Side Effects of Antabuse - for the Consumer
Antabuse
All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Antabuse:

Drowsiness; headache; metallic or garlic taste in mouth.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Antabuse:
Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); blurred vision; changes in color vision; dark urine; loss of appetite; mental or mood problems; nausea; numbness or tingling of the arms or legs; seizures; tiredness; vomiting; weakness; yellowing of the eyes or skin.

Antabuse Side Effects - for the Professional
Antabuse

OPTIC NEURITIS, PERIPHERAL NEURITIS, POLYNEURITIS, AND PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY MAY OCCUR FOLLOWING ADMINISTRATION OF DISULFIRAM.

Multiple cases of hepatitis, including both cholestatic and fulminant hepatitis, as well as hepatic failure resulting in transplantation or death, have been reported with administration of disulfiram.

Occasional skin eruptions are, as a rule, readily controlled by concomitant administration of an antihistaminic drug.

In a small number of patients, a transient mild drowsiness, fatigability, impotence, headache, acneform eruptions, allergic dermatitis, or a metallic or garlic-like aftertaste may be experienced during the first two weeks of therapy. These complaints usually disappear spontaneously with the continuation of therapy, or with reduced dosage.

Psychotic reactions have been noted, attributable in most cases to high dosage, combined toxicity (with metronidazole or isoniazid), or to the unmasking of underlying psychoses in patients stressed by the withdrawal of alcohol.

Side Effects by Body System
Other
Disulfiram inhibits the metabolism of acetaldehyde, a breakdown product of alcohol. Acetaldehyde formation is at least partially responsible for the reaction. The "disulfiram reaction" generally occurs within 15 minutes of ingestion of alcohol and persists as long as alcohol is present in the system. Death has rarely been reported, generally when higher dosages are given. Patients should not receive disulfiram until 12 hours after any alcohol ingestion. Disulfiram reactions may occur up to two weeks after disulfiram has been discontinued.

The ingestion of alcohol in patients pretreated with disulfiram generally results in an unpleasant reaction referred to as a "disulfiram reaction". Elements of this reaction may include any of the following: flushing, throbbing in the head and neck, headache, nausea, vomiting, sweating, thirst, chest pain, palpitations, dyspnea, hyperventilation, tachycardia, confusion, arrhythmias, and convulsions.

Hepatic
Disulfiram-induced hepatitis has been confirmed by rechallenge in several cases. The development of hepatitis has been reported to occur within 2 weeks to several months of beginning disulfiram. Liver biopsy frequently demonstrates fibrosis, liver cell necrosis, eosinophilic infiltrates, and portal inflammation. Disulfiram-induced hepatitis appears to be due to hypersensitivity, although extrahepatic signs of hypersensitivity are not always apparent. Baseline liver function tests should be obtained and monitored periodically during the first several months of therapy. In addition, patients should be educated about the symptoms of hepatitis. Disulfiram therapy should be discontinued promptly if liver function deteriorates.

Hepatic side effects have included cases of acute hepatitis accompanied by fatigue, malaise, anorexia, nausea, abdominal pain, and jaundice. Although hepatic function has returned to normal over several weeks in some patients, liver failure and death has also been reported.

Subcutaneous deposits of carotene which simulate jaundice has been reported in a 55-year-old man who presented with yellow palms of the hands and the sole of the feet within 2 months of the start of disulfiram.

Nervous system
Nervous system side effects have included lethargy, confusion, personality changes, disorientation, and memory impairment. These effects may develop after weeks or months of disulfiram therapy. This has progressed to seizures (in the absence of a disulfiram-alcohol reaction), psychosis, catatonia and encephalopathy.

Neuropathy, generally affecting the lower extremities, occurs rarely in patients. The upper body extremities may become involved if neuropathy progresses. Optic neuritis has also been reported. Development appears to occur earlier with higher dosages. Neuropathy generally resolves over several weeks after discontinuation of disulfiram, and full recovery may require several months.

Reports of seizures, psychosis, catatonia, and encephalopathy usually follow several weeks of higher doses of disulfiram. The incidence appears to be lower with decreased maintenance dosages. Disulfiram is an inhibitor of dopamine-beta-hydroxylase which converts dopamine to norepinephrine. Therefore disulfiram effectively lowers levels of norepinephrine and increases concentrations of dopamine which may facilitate encephalopathy and other adverse effects on the nervous system.

Neuropathy associated with disulfiram is similar in appearance to that associated with alcohol abuse. Neuropathy primarily involves axonal degeneration and affects both sensory and motor nerves. It appears to develop somewhat faster than alcohol-induced neuropathy and develops in the absence of ongoing alcohol use. A metabolite of disulfiram, carbon disulfide, has been shown to be neurotoxic and may be involved in the development of neuropathy.

Dermatologic
Dermatologic side effects have include maculopapular rashes. Patients with a sensitivity to tetramethylthiuram disulfide, present in rubber products, may show cross-sensitivity to disulfiram.

Gastrointestinal
Gastrointestinal side effects have included an unpleasant metallic or garlic-like taste in the mouth and bad breath.

Ocular
Ocular side effects have included optic neuritis. It appears to occur earlier with higher dosages and generally resolves over several weeks after discontinuation of disulfiram. Full recovery may require several months.

Eventually you will have to stop taking it, whether by choice or due to side effects, what then?

[TheSunAlsoRises]

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

I am so ashamed. Who else but drunks buy booze at 8am?

I have for sure... Maybe try some diff meeting I agree I hate it when people sit there any whine about there problems, but not all meetings are like that- shop around. Good luck on getting back on track

[Wolfchild]

[ChoosingRealJoy]

Buying alcohol before 8 a.m.? I remember having a shot before 8 a.m. - to get my "fuel" for the morning. Isn't that just pathetic??? And then get my daughter ready for school. Pathetic.

But... for you and for me - don't look back. So you messed up. So what. That was then, this is now. Don't dwell on it, just move forward. In five years when we all are sober, sober, sober and have just a memory of how hard it was to stop, I'm sure we're still going to make mistakes with something else in our lives. We're not perfect. Move on and reconvince yourself that sobriety gives you so much freedom.

I usually drank because I felt I deserved to have fun and I knew having alcohol would make everything more fun. So I know what you mean. Then I started to drink to excape bad times too. Then a couple drinks weren't enough. My couple drinks would turn into.... who knows how much?

Good luck & know that everyone that reads your words are pressing for your success and know that you can do this. You can. You will. :-)

[Tazman53]

You know TheSunAlsoRises brought up a very good suggestion, check out other meetings.

There are 2 types of discussion meetings I have found:

1. The Solution meetings - These are ones that a topic some one is struggling with is brought up and people share the solution they have found for that topic, these are the meetings I love to go to, ones where for every problem multiple solutions are shared with one common denominator, they are based upon the Solution found in the BB. These meetings are heavily attended by folks who have taken & or are in the process of taking the steps and are seeking a Solution and not a pity pot.

2. The Problem meetings - These are the ones where people come and sit upon a pity pot telling all of thier lifes woes and no one presents a single example of a solution for thier woes. I avoid these. Funny thing, but these meetings seem to be chock full of chronic relapsers, folks that feel that all they need to do is go to meetings and they magically will become and stay sober. One can present a solution to a problem and the very next share is some one elses turn on the pity pot.

My area is really good about newcomers meetings, they are always heavily attended by old timers and mid timers.

If one walks away from an AA meeting wanting a drink more after the meeting then they did before the meeting it is time to check out another meeting!

AA meetings are not all good ones for those seeking a solution, those seeking a Solution for thier alcoholism sometimes have to do a little meeting hopping to find ones that live in the solution and not the problem.

[Bard]

You lived to tell the tale. We all make mistakes and all we can we do is dust ourselves off and try climbing back up on that horse again.

[littlefish]

I remember when you were thinking about trying antabuse, and, I shared my experience with it. I actually stopped using it right around the time you started.
I am not going to forecast what will happen to you, but I can tell you what happened to me.
I went off the antabuse after 6 months of not drinking. During those 6 months I went to AA meetings, but remained passive. I didn't have a sponsor nor did I start to work the steps. In retrospect, I hadn't really started doing any meaningful work in aa. I know that now but I didn't realize it then.

I got a sponsor the week before I quit antabuse and I told her I was nervous and worried that I would relapse.
I didn't really know if aa and my rehab center would work as a "replacement" for antabuse.
Well, I relapsed and went through a very difficult spring and summer in which I realized I was essentially starting all over again. It was tough but I am glad I stayed determined to remain sober without antabuse.
I completed step one and just recently completed step two and these days I really feel like the program is working for me.

With antabuse I essentially continued to think the same way I thought when I drank. It's no wonder I relapsed. I needed to change my way of thinking, from the ground up.

[anthronify]

Lovinmenow, I hope your newest sobriety brings a cognitive or spiritual dimension to it.

I was court-mandated on antabuse for a year and it did nothing for my recovery; I drank my vodka harder than ever before after a week off that drug (making up for lost time, I guess).

Also, one of the side effects is garlicky or metallic breath. To the untrained nose that might smell like alcohol --my mother accused me of drinking, and a fellow employee implied that I had hangover breath (did you party last night?) I wonder how many others thought I was drinking but did not have the audacity to make any comments to me. This was expecially maddening to a drunk who couldn't even have a drink!

[ElegantlyWasted]

Am booze run... Ben there done that. Pick up the phone instead, log in here, meditate, log into smart recovery and do a work sheet.... Anything else other than the run. I would tell myself just one Steele reserve. Not enough; back in the car to go get another, at a different store of course. Repeat previous sentence a couple of times an you have the epitome of the "obesession" of the mind axiom. Finally on day 85 and life is getting better. Watching my girlfriends drinking patterns while I'm sober has been very educational for me. Best of luck with your journey, you have friends here and elsewhere and other resources that can really help. Use us; we want you to.

[Dee74]

Hi again lovinmenow.
There's a lot of good advice here - please do consider it.

D

[keithj]

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

I am so ashamed. Who else but drunks buy booze at 8am?

Lovinmenow,

I don't know who else buys booze at 8am. But I do remember many, many times when I'd load up my little 4 year old in the car, rushing him along, so I could make the drive to the store and be at the checkout counter right when they could legally start selling. Had the timing down to an art. Of course, it was always under the pretext of needing milk or something else for breakfast. Then I'd chug down the first couple in the car before we even left the parking lot.

The shame and guilt I felt can't be overestimated.

I don't feel that same shame and guilt today over those reckless actions. In fact, I use those actions as a way to help other alcoholics identify with their own problem. I've shared much of my own darkest 4th step secrets with newcomers in order to help them. To the extent that I am possible, I've turned my shameful past into an asset.

Originally Posted by AA Big Book, 1st Ed.

...the dark past is the greatest possession you have-the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

[Asta1]

Your life sounds like mine 10-15 years ago. Not only did I have the shot to get my child off to school, but I went to work that way! Would stop on the way for food to get rid of the smell, but I probably wasn't fooling anyone. I kept on drinking after getting married again, but primarily at nite with my husband. Then before you know it, that wasn't enough and I started hiding booze and drinking behind his back. That was when the REAL REAL trouble began. Blackouts, etc. Am now on day 5 and am hopeful I can make this sobriety thing stick.

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by lovinmenow

So, after six months on antabuse, (you know the drug that makes you real sick if you drink...

While I do not doubt that antabse helps some people, I would not trust it to keep an alcoholic like me sober. I would have to conduct hundreds of experiments to see just how effective it is and would probably find a way to eventually circumvent it.

[Anna]

How are you doing this evening Lovinmenow?