How do you break up/away from friendships?

[evmdimples]

As a recovering codep, I'm finally starting to recognize that there are in fact some people that I don't want in my life anymore. I'm wondering how to break away from those friendships? I've never broken up with anybody, lover or friend (no doubt my codep stuff) and so I have no experience doing this. I myself have been on the receiving end of the brutal/dramatic break up (I don't want you in my life anymore. Period.) and the less dramatic break up (I never hear from them again.)

Now that I'm beginning to take control of my own life, I need tools for this new phase. I'm not sure which approach to take, and maybe there's something better than what I've described. Just wanting to know how others have successfully handled this situation.

Thanks!

[riaerif]

I have no answers for you, but I think it's great that you're moving forward with this healthy part of your life and I wish you all the best in finding the tools you need.

[louis]

Hi When i stopped drinking i had to give up some friendships that werent healthy for me. It didnt have to be brutal. It just had to happen. What I realisd was that both sides were going in different directions. We drifted apart. Thankfully I really havent had to do much. The people im talking about didnt have anything in common with me anymore. They were drinking buddies, nothing more. I hope you find a comfortable way for you to get through this. I fought it for a while but it really does have to happen. Please take care..... louis

[MycoolFitz]

I don't think its so hard, you just tell your truth with kindness and conviction. You need to attend to your needs and your welfare. Its about you not the other person. The hard part may be in believing you are worthy of getting your needs met, focusing on yourself and possibly hurting someone else in order to quit being hurt. The hardest part of being a codependent is realizing that you are who you will be with the longest and it is you who you must give the most attention and care. To center on yourself is not to be self-centered. It is what healthy relationships are about.

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
Sharon Salzberg

Namaste

[Dee74]

I have a lot of trouble with this, LOL.

I found each individual person has needed an individual approach - even so, some ended well, some not - mostly due to my ineptitude but sometimes not. I just have to learn to live with the ones that don't.

I try to be as straightforward and honest as I can, except of course where to do so might needlessly hurt someone.

I wish you luck
D

[tommyk]

It was a naturally occuring process with me.

As I found more and more clean/sober activities, I saw my 'old friends' less and less.

I didn't have to say much of anything.

[51anna]

I was kind of like Tommy, I didn't have to say much. Somehow things evolved.

The huge upside of this for me, was that, almost immediately, two amazing women came into my life 'as if by magic' and they both became very cherished friends. Sometimes you need to let go of something negative, so something postive can come along.

[CarolD]

When I told my friends ....all who drank excessively
that I had quit ...was committing to AA and
that my apartment was now a non drinking zone

most drifted away Thus making space for new friends
who shared my new goals and lifestyle.

Worked out really well for me....
I have no toxic people to deal with.

[Wolfchild]

i get sicker if i live with the fear of a reaction from someone in trying to accomplish what i need to do for myself. When i discuss matters honestly and with open-mindedness, i am practicing courage. i keep my reasons simple and my explanations short. i remain willing to listen to the other person and how this effects them. It provides both of us a sense of closure and lessens the opportunity for anyone to form a resentment. There have been times when people have argued at me about "letting them go" & moving on. i've kept my mouth shut and started praying that God intervene to protect us from each other. This has helped me learn how to stand up for myself without trying to beat a point into someone's head. My character defects do not work as well as spiritual principles when dealing with a difficult situation involving someone else. Faith keeps me from rewording what i've said in an effort to make them understand what i am saying or trying to make them accept what i am doing. Saying to the other person, "It is what it is at this time", has helped to prevent situations from getting ugly. It is a good thing to remember that we are only responsible for the effort, God is responsible for the result.

i hope that you will find the strength and support from those who truly love and care about you to deal with what you have to deal with. Stay in contact with them right afterward to receive the additional help you may need to get through your feelings. Easy does it and stay focused!

[Firehazard]

I can relate as a former doormat. I used to let negative unbalanced people hang around and drain me of my direction until it was too late. No more!! Recently I realized that a real loser that was constantly dragging me down was there by my invite. So one afternoon, with me in good spirits and firm resolution, he called and I firmly told him that I did not like him much and not to call or talk to me again. I was not mean or vindictive about it. How can someone answer that? Haven't heard from that dude again. I can surgically remove myself from any light negative relationship that I have bungled into as such.

[Ready2Live]

evmdimples, thank you for starting this thread. This topic has been on my mind, since I decided to begin a new life. Thank you to every one else for your insight. It's been helpful.

[Zencat]

Originally Posted by evmdimples

Now that I'm beginning to take control of my own life

Well there it is. Keep with this intention as a guide for direction and I believe you will notice where taking control and losing control is at. When times get tough return to your intention "Now that I'm beginning to take control of my own life" as a guide...continue from there...repeated as necessary. I think forging from that point can bring you where you want to be.

[evmdimples]

thanks for all the wisdom and ESH shared! I will take something from everyone, I'm sensing that each situation will be different. And Zencat, thanks for pointing out my own mantra! Great insight.

thanks ALL!:ghug