I don't know how to be just me

[riaerif]

I thought this was only for addicts/alcoholics in recovery and today I actually slowed down and read and saw it was for everyone so... here I am.

My mom's an addict.

The other day I realized just how far I've fallen away from who I think I used to be.

I told myself, as an ACOA, this was the only way I ever knew how to be.

Then I remembered some things from the very beginning (when I was in high school) and I thought, "Hey! I used to be normal!" Whatever normal is, right?

I used to be smart about things. I used to have dreams and goals that never involved her or how she fit in. I used to not put up with her excuses on things that directly affected me. I used to be confident. I used to not apologize for looking out for myself.

I don't know when that changed, but I want it back. I just don't know how. It's been so long since I've been that person. Maybe I'll never find myself again.

Now I'm the addict's daughter or the addict's keeper or the person the addict relies on. I don't want my identity to have anything to do with her anymore.

I want to leave her, but I don't want to do it to get back at her. Right now that's all it would be.

I want to leave her because it's a good move for ME, not a way to punish HER.

I don't know if I can do it.

[tyler]

All newcomers are welcome, and for that matter "oldtimers" too, otherwise we'd just be a bunch of "newbies" wandering around looking for answers to questions nobody understood!!

I don't have a whole lot of insight to your personal situation. Neither of my parents are addicts...just me!! My son is fairly young, so hopefully there is still to repair some of the dammage I've done.

I do understand about not knowing how to be me though. As a child, due to may fathers job, we moved about every 2 years. While this provided great opportunities to see a lot of the country and experience a lot of different things, I found that I would also "reinvent" myself each time we moved. I could make up different things I had done, or experiences I'd had and nobody would reallly know the difference. I've found that I've continued to do that in my adult life. It served me well as an addict as it made me quite the profecient lier. But the question remains, who am I really? I don't know. I'm hoping that is part of what the "recovery" process is all about.

Welcome to our fourm, hope you find some answers to the questions you have. Take care.

[riaerif]

Thanks, tyler. I think that's one of the reasons I like to change where I go and what I do in school or for a job. Whenever too many people know too much about me for me to be able to hide behind the walls I build, I jump to something else.

Staying in one place too long in my life leaves me too exposed and the thought someone could actually make me face the real me and the real things I have to deal with is pretty scary.

[ANGELINA243]

I know for me--I had to eventually face myself and see me for who I was...and it really wasn't as bad as what I had somehow thought it would be. I think most people only allow others to see one side of the coin--the part if them they want others to see..at least, that is how I was for so long. I didn't want others to see what I considered to me my "ugly side" or darker side--the side I tried to hide. For a long time I always felt on the inside like I was running...trying to get away--far away til I finally realized I was only trying to get farther away from me--not anybody else. Wherever I ran away to--there I was>I brought myself with me--including my problems.

Change of scenery for school or new job...nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with wanting to venture out and try new things, but if you are trying to escape/run away from something--you will everntually have to face it....wheverever you may be.

[riaerif]

Originally Posted by ANGELINA243

I didn't want others to see what I considered to me my "ugly side" or darker side--the side I tried to hide. For a long time I always felt on the inside like I was running...trying to get away--far away til I finally realized I was only trying to get farther away from me--not anybody else. Wherever I ran away to--there I was>I brought myself with me--including my problems.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing, too. When I read that, it made a lot of sense. Somehow I have to face it all. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

[nelco]

I

used to be smart about things. I used to have dreams and goals that never involved her or how she fit in. I used to not put up with her excuses on things that directly affected me. I used to be confident. I used to not apologize for looking out for myself.

You can get your life back and find yourself. With the right recovery group and an honest desire to change. Its possible.
Welcome to SR.

[Dee74]

hi riaerif

I think many of us are struggling with the same issues. My parents aren't alcoholic but they are not a positive force in my life...perhaps the most important thing has been to set boundaries, and to learn to say no - neither comes particularly easy to me but I'm getting better

I see you've been around Fand F and ACOA - have you seen the Codependency thread?
If not, I heartily recommend it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-6-a.html (Codependency and Beyond Part 6)

D

[tommyk]

Good topic, thanks for making me think about it....

I'm living the steps, applying the NA/AA principles to my life, sponsoring people, attending meetings... acquiring periods of serenity...

... and I actually like the person I am becoming.

[riaerif]

Thanks, nelco. I do know I want to change so that's part of the battle. I appreciate the encouragement so much.

Dee74, I've been over there but I haven't checked out that thread. I will look at it. Thanks for pointing it out. There is so much going on here and I was trying to keep it to just Newcomers and the friends and family stuff, but wow.... there's a lot even in those few places!

Setting boundaries is definitely a challenge for me. I'm just starting to figure out how to do that, too.

tommyk, I'm really glad you like who you're becoming! It gives me a lot of encouragement to keep working toward where I need to be.