The difference between knowing, and accepting

[justsomeguy]

Well I'm coming up on 3 weeks Sober. And I'm trying to figure out what is different this time than all the times before, what is going to make it work now. A thought came to me.

They say that Alcoholics are routinely very successful people, and very intelligent. We're often conflicted by our own sense of achievements. We feel that we can conquer any obstacle. We can be very stubborn with this, and this is often what makes us think "this time" we have it beat.

I've been to AA a few times, I've quit drinking more times than I can count and I've read about alcoholism online and in the Big Book for more hours than I know.

For a very long time I have known that if I start drinking again, even one drink I will spiral out of control.

I knew it, but it didn't stop me. I would still play mind games with myself; I did not want to accept it, even though I KNEW what would happen.

I hope the difference this time is that I have accepted it. I have learned, not that it's a fight I can't win, but that it's a game that I don't want to play.

I have accepted that in order to have a normal life Alcohol will never be part of it again. I always knew this was the only way, but I realize now I wasn't accepting it.

The trick is I have to accept it every day. So far, so good. One day at a time.

Like my last post, I just wanted to put this out here to the world for my own well being and hope it might help someone else as well.

[baldjim]

great post ,i have accepted i can never drink again i've known i should not for a while

[coffeenut]

Congrats on your sober time, and welcome to SR!

Slowing down and taking it a day at a time, was/is key for me. Keeping in the moment and not a step further is crucial. I can do this right NOW.

[Tazman53]

Sounds like you are getting step one, 11 more to go.

[gravity]

My moment of clarity (after my last bender) was finally accepting that I'm an alcoholic and that I needed help.

***

We're often conflicted by our own sense of achievements. We feel that we can conquer any obstacle. We can be very stubborn with this

I can fully relate to this statement. For too many years, "conquer any obstacle" meant that I must learn to control alcohol. I had accomplished so much in other areas of my life - why can't I learn to master alcohol?

Later, "conquer any obstacle" meant that I could quit drinking without any help. Many failed efforts later, I finally had to accept that I could not quit on my own.

I'm sure that the pride & ego comes through loud & clear. One of the most painful lessons I learned - I had to be humbled (through repeated failures) and cut down to size.


***

Where am I at today? I accept my alcoholism & I know that I will fully recover. I don't feel hopeless anymore! Recovery from alcoholism is an amazing journey!

[emmanuel2012]

Its a lot like a war.
And, Its over, and, I lost.
I can surrender,
That is, join the winning side,
Or I can keep fighting,
against nobody but myself.

I don't need to be ashamed of losing,
Because the cards were stacked and the odds
Were in my opponents favor all along.
Who were my opponents? Everyone,
But me. I expected to beat everyone.
It was me me me against you you and them.

While I was busy formulating strategies,
Enacting defense missions and planning
Escape routes, my enemies were busy
Taking care of themselves and others. I didn't have time
For this, for, how could I beat my opponents
If I didn't work on my success formula,
Which was designed to benefit... Me?

How silly I thought they were,
Caring about this boring stuff
Like college educations, jobs,
Careers, fiances, cars, marriages,
Mortgages, babies. This stuff
Was so unspiritual. These guys
Were so blind. I, on the other hand,
Had a secret power,
All I had to do was harness it.
Alcohol, weed, drugs - chemistry.
The plan was going exactly as I wanted.
I was so cool, so underground.
If they didnlt like me, heh,
The didn't know me.
Ill show them. Ha!

Its ongoing battle, now, against nobody but myself
To stop fighting against good things I was missing.
. I was prepared to fight to the death,
To show them who is boss. Heh
Little did I realize, that in the end,
My enemies, were
people, who, were
trying to keep me alive.

Illusions are Real.

[MycoolFitz]

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Sounds like you are standing on solid ground and feel solid in your grounding. Since there is only this moment and this moment is perfect in its momentness, just keep momenting soberly.

Namaste

[tyler]

Originally Posted by justsomeguy

Well I'm coming up on 3 weeks Sober. And I'm trying to figure out what is different this time than all the times before, what is going to make it work now. A thought came to me.

They say that Alcoholics are routinely very successful people, and very intelligent. We're often conflicted by our own sense of achievements. We feel that we can conquer any obstacle. We can be very stubborn with this, and this is often what makes us think "this time" we have it beat.

I've been to AA a few times, I've quit drinking more times than I can count and I've read about alcoholism online and in the Big Book for more hours than I know.

For a very long time I have known that if I start drinking again, even one drink I will spiral out of control.

I knew it, but it didn't stop me. I would still play mind games with myself; I did not want to accept it, even though I KNEW what would happen.

I hope the difference this time is that I have accepted it. I have learned, not that it's a fight I can't win, but that it's a game that I don't want to play.

I have accepted that in order to have a normal life Alcohol will never be part of it again. I always knew this was the only way, but I realize now I wasn't accepting it.

The trick is I have to accept it every day. So far, so good. One day at a time.

Like my last post, I just wanted to put this out here to the world for my own well being and hope it might help someone else as well.

I can very much identify with this. This time around, I seem more at peace about life in general. I'm just tired of fighting. That includes the ongoing "battle" of whose "program" is better. Who cares. If carrying a marble in your pocket all of the time for some reason helps keep you from drinking (never really tried this method!!) then go with the marble program.

That said I think there is something to be said for the "healing" process working the steps helps with. However this same healing can be achieved through working with a theripist instead of a sponsor, if that works better for you. I am trying to work on my "selfish" behavior, but one area where I will continue to be completely selfish is my "recovery". I will take what I need and leave the rest behind, whether from AA/NA, SMART, my theripist, SR, whatever. I'm in this for me. If I can help another along the way, that is a plesant side effect, but not a means to the end.

[NewBeginning010]

So true... so many newcomers come in here every day searching for reasons why they can still drink/use but still knowing deep down inside that they cant.

Complete & utter acceptance that you are powerless over alcohol/drugs & that one drink/hit will ruin your life. Any other thought for an alcoholic/user is a dark hole waiting to swallow you up.

Thank you for your post ;-)

NB

[jmart]

Well said justsomeguy..Thank you. Jay

[joedris]

Well, as Taz said, you're off to a good start. Now go to AA meetings and get the rest of it.