Raising Teens While in Recovery

[Toomutch]

This thread will be to vent about, ask about and give advice about, raising teenagers while in recovery.

Anyone can participate, even if your kids are grown, or not yet teenagers.
I have found that raising teens is one of my biggest struggles in recovery. Those who are on the wild ride of raising teens PLEASE share.

We will share both the positive and negative aspects of raising our almost always adorable teens. :ghug

[carl11]

Well, just to get going, I think one as to have a talk with your kids, as they watch us do what we do to ourselves. My experience was, was that my daughter had lost a lot of respect for me. My son , he was more pragmatic and understanding, that threw me for a loop.

And of course if they see us crossing lines, some may feel they have a right to as well….

[Jomey]

Thanks for starting this thread Suzette. I have a 13 year old niece who lives with me and a 12 year old son and two more boys coming along behind them! I am looking forward to hearing how yall cope with the ups and downs of teens!

[TryingSoHard]

Oh AMEN, Toomutch! Thank you for starting this! I just subscribed to this thread and am sure I will be visiting it often. My teenage son gives me fits on a fairly regular basis. He is a great kid and I adore him, but man... raising a teenager is hard.

[Toomutch]

My kids are 18,16,16,15 the youngest is my only girl. I recently posted that my daughter broke my heart. Today is a different day... I set some ground rules with zero tolerance for disrespect.

I really am blessed to have these kids, right now my biggest issue is there mouths, . I try to provide them with structure and am teaching them to be responsible by doing a daily chore.

Some days are smooth sailing and other days I feel like I take one step forward and get knocked two steps back.

Thank you all for posting here - it will be a thread I will visit often.

[jowinbo]

well i do not have teenages, but i can relate. tennages are so hard! but, imo, if you mix disapline w/love, you will have a good start! my oldest, (41) has been married to an alcoholic for years, so she does not think i have a problem, my middle daughter KNOWS i have a problem and my son, is the enabler

be honest, tell them what you are going thru...do not expect them to sypathize w/you, they will not at that age.

realize that you are doing the best you can!!!! they may not show it now, but you will have their respect and love, when they get older!
congrats on your sober time, good going!
God Bless
jow: praying

[lovinmenow]

Last time my kid said something disrespectful to me I washed his mouth out with soap. That fixed it right there. HA HA!!! Good luck folks!

[Jules62]

My son is 20.I've been through all this.All I can say is-it's normal.Toughen up a bit and realise it isn't about you.This is simply what they do.

And-just to make you laugh-it sure did me (because we can get way too serious sometimes.....)



Jules

[lovinmenow]

Oh jules Im gonna bust a gut laughing at that one!

[shaun00]

Good thread and i have posted before about the problems ive had with two teenage girls.

big problems.

One of them decided to draw 2000k on my credit card in cash..and spend it.
Amongst a host of other horrors.

Its created stress in my marriage.

What can i say......what can i do.......not a great deal really..

to be honest.......im gutted by how they both have treated me and the wife.

I think all teenagers should have to work a twelve step program...starting at age 13.

I find myself meditating a lot...

Where did the little cherubs go that i taught to swim??????/

The wife copes far better than me and i could learn alot from her..

She pratices powerless around the kids better than me.

Bottom line is im sober and intend to stay sober......and that is a gift from god.

I get in my truck at night......shut the door......put on ac/dc and im in heaven again.......lol.

Kids will be kids i guess......as long as they end up decent adult in the end.

Not that many years ago i would have used all the stress as a good excuse to get s....t faced.

grateful im sober today.....................trucker

[Sugah]

My husband and I both got sober a year before we met each other. Within six months, we were engaged and ready to shack up (we call ourselves "the exception that proves the rule"). Our kids at that time were 10, 13, 14 & 15--two youngest "mine," two oldest "his," though we no longer make those distinctions. Fast forward, and they're now 15, 18, 19 & 20. I've learned a few things about our kids and our recovery--which may or may not be generalized.

First of all, they were young enough to learn recovery along with us. I see them applying the steps in the way they deal with us, each other, and the world at large. Like us, not perfectly.

I also learned that hormones will often trump spiritual principles.

I learned that giving them a good example to follow helps, but it's no guarantee.

I learned--from watching others (unfortunately for them, fortunately for me)--that there is nothing more selfish than getting drunk or high over a fight with my kids.

And I learned that there is nothing of greater value to me in my recovery and parenting than saying the Serenity Prayer and meaning it.

Oh, one last thing--no matter what the source of tension, no matter how right I think I am and how wrong I think one of my kids might be, no matter what's at stake, if I lose it & blow my top, it's an automatic win for them and a loss for me.

Easy? Hell, no! But parenting in sobriety brings with it much gratitude and many opportunities to learn.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Jules62]

One thing I want to add-I know I was being a bit flippant in my previous post-just finding the humour in it all.But-I KNOW how hard it is when you're in it.

Sugah's post had me nodding in agreement.When they get you upset?They've won.I know it's hard but take a step back, keep your cool and stick to your boundaires.As Jomey said-they will hate you now?But they will love you later.I know this to be true.

I almost lost my son in his early teenage years(not through drinking-I wasn't then) but I loved him dearly and wouldn't let him push me past what I thought was acceptable behavior, and boy did he try.

You do have to stand your ground-and it isn't easy.But kids will always go off what they see around them.So if you're in any way letting yourself be disrespected at home?They'll use that as a cue to do the same to you too.Just a thought.

Respect yourself first-stand your ground-and they'll follow suit.It won't always be like this.I promise.But yes-it's a rough ride.

Julesxox

[Toomutch]

I have a question... One of my 16 year olds has always been a cuddle bug. He comes to me and gives me hugs all the time. He will also cuddle up next to me as we are watching television. He has done this his entire life.
My question is - do any of you think this is abnormal? It irratates my husband so badly, he tells me that Cam is far too old to be wanting to snuggle with his mom.
I disagree with him, I remember reading that if your teenagers are recieving enough love at home ie. hugs, they are less apt to start into a premature sexual relationship.

What do you think?

[masseyman]

Where do I start on a thread about raising teenagers....(what I like to call, "strange immature adults living in my house" . I look at my teens more as young adults I suppose, as this is how I was raised by my father on the farm. At somewhere around 14 or so I was looked at to be adult-like in my responsibilities.....and I think I have expected the same from my kids, although this can be taken to an extreme, I think we have made our youth in this country stay little kids for way too long.

I have a 19 year old (girl) college freshmen and a 17 year old (boy) high school senior. They are so totally different and come with completely different sets of issues, good and bad, it's hard to keep all the problems and triumphs about raising them straight. I raised my oldest daughter as a single father for the first 4 years of her life, until my soul mate came into the picture with her little boy...almost 16 years ago.

Although I deeply regret raising them to this point as an alcoholic, I look to move forward now knowing I can't change the past.

Too much to say about all of it.....I hope to feed off others subjects on this thread. Listen and learn.

[warrens]

Wow, Suzette

Great thread. One who has gone through it could write volumes.

My "kids" are now 26,26, and 30. During their teenage years I had an incredibly stressful job (principal of a 550 student school) and a marriage that was going south.

It was both the most difficult thing that I've done and also my greatest achievement. I've always maintained that climbing Everest or sailing the world are trivial compared to successfully raising children in this culture.

From my long experience as principal I dealt with countless families, functional and very dysfunctional. I've pored through endless research. And I find that there is no one formula. We do the best we can with what we have. If we do that I think we deserve neither too much credit nor too much blame. There is an element of "crapshoot" in it all. I've seen kids gifted with everything crash and burn and kids in horrid circumstances succeed brilliantly.

With respect to your "cuddler" son and as a man, I too would be a bit uncomfortable. But that is just man's apprehension for his son. If he has healthy relationships elsewhere, so what? It is far better than the reverse. Some kids simply crave more physical affection and it is a trait that will benefit him in life. There was little physical affection in my childhood and I think I would have been better off with some, especially from my father. As a result, my ex and I indulged our kids with physicality.

I've always admired you for your focus on mothering through the roughest of times. You are a role model to many.

friend warren

[TryingSoHard]

Originally Posted by Toomutch

I have a question... One of my 16 year olds has always been a cuddle bug. He comes to me and gives me hugs all the time. He will also cuddle up next to me as we are watching television. He has done this his entire life.
My question is - do any of you think this is abnormal? It irratates my husband so badly, he tells me that Cam is far too old to be wanting to snuggle with his mom.
I disagree with him, I remember reading that if your teenagers are recieving enough love at home ie. hugs, they are less apt to start into a premature sexual relationship.

What do you think?

I absolutely DO NOT think it is abnormal. Perhaps your husband's family was not a "touchy" or "huggy" kind of family when he was growing up. Perhaps your husband just isn't a "snuggle" kind of person. Some people are, some people aren't (I definitely am!!).

I say cherish it. It could disappear TOMORROW. Cherish it, cherish it, cherish it.

My son will be 15 in May and it's almost as if he can't decide if he's too old to hug me anymore or not. LOL He goes through phases. Sometimes he doesn't even want to give me a hug good night, and other times he will do like you described Cam - he'll come sit next to me on the couch, stretch out, wrap his arm around me and lay his head on my shoulder... *sigh* I'll take it ANY day! He's my baby.

p.s. My other son is only 6 but I can TOTALLY see him being a COMPLETE cuddle-bug later in life. He definitely is now. He is outgoing and independent and strong, but he loves love loves to get and give love and hugs. He has no problem at all snuggling on the couch with me, my husband, and his brother. Truth be told, there aren't many things in this world I enjoy more than seeing both my boys cuddled together in the recliner under a blanket.

[TryingSoHard]

Originally Posted by Sugah

Oh, one last thing--no matter what the source of tension, no matter how right I think I am and how wrong I think one of my kids might be, no matter what's at stake, if I lose it & blow my top, it's an automatic win for them and a loss for me.

Too true, too true. Thank you for the reminder.

[TryingSoHard]

Originally Posted by Jules62

ROFL!!!! I LOVE it!!!

[ToABetterMe]

Originally Posted by Jules62

Jules

Oh Jules this made me Laugh really hard!!! I need to find that & print it!

[lostbutterfly]

This is a wonderful thread. I had three weeks clean and sober, my daughter behaved like something out of the exorcist and I relapsed. I haven't recovered yet.

But it is so nice to hear that you all go thru the same thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing such a terrible job raising them and that's why they are the kids from hell (13 soon to be 14 year old twins, girl and boy).

Very good advice on here too. There is one thing I've managed to establish. Every evening, we do 10 minutes of cleaning up downstairs. I get the kitchen and the washing up, and they get a room each.

The protests I got at the beginning were unbelievable. But now, it's part of the routine. And the house looks great (as long as you don't look under anything, lol!) And they are really proud of it - they sound like two mother hens admiring their work.

Thanks for starting this Toomutch - teens are my biggest trigger in recovery!!

[shezbak]

I just ran across this thread and so glad i did. I am back in the program with 7 1/2 months sober. I gave up 18 years of sobriety to try crystal meth on a resentment against my x-husband. well, i dont have to tell you how that turned out... im now in the process of trying to get back custody of my two boys ~ ages 10 and 13. I can see the tell-tale signs of adolescense creeping into both of them, the 10 year old bouncing off of his big brother. it doesnt help that they've had so much "boys club" atmosphere with my x. i know that deep down inside they are good boys, fortunately i was only out 11 months (seems like eternity) but the rest of their precious lives ive been a sober mom. thanks for being a sounding board! heather in hawaii

[Toomutch]

In regards to the sign that Jules posted;
I would like to make that into a poster size and tack it up for all my teens to see. I would be lmao as their jaws dropped.

[TryingSoHard]

My teen seems to live with a constant attitude of entitlement. Anyone else familiar with this? It's not even that he WANTS things, or HOPES for things... it's as if his silly little mind truly believes that he DESERVES things to be automatically handed to him, just as he wants them, at precisely the time he wants them, with no outside input or interference.

He does not have a clue about EARNING something - even though I've tried all his life to instill that in him.

Example: he will be 15 in May. At 15 in my state, you can get a Learner's Permit. In his mind, this means that on the day he turns 15 - no matter what else is going on in the universe - we will be 1st in line at the DMV and he will magically be handed a permit, no test of any kind required. He will then be allowed to drive my car (a stick, which he has no clue how to operate) whenever and where ever he wants, with me supplying gas and car insurance. Oh, and he thinks he won't have to have a job, either. And I should also mention that he has NO knowledge of directions or street names or anything like that, and thinks it's perfectly normal to try to tell someone where something is by saying, "You go down there and turn on that street, I think left, and then go for a little bit more till you see that house, then you turn again, I don't know which way, but then you'll see it."

When I burst this bubble, he was sincerely and honestly SHOCKED. He acted as if he could not believe the words coming from my mouth when I said that:
1. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT
2. He MAY or MAY NOT get his permit right after he turns 15. His attitude will determine that, not his birthdate.
3. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he needs to get serious about - a) getting a copy of the state laws of the road and learning them, so he can pass the test and b) getting a job so he can pay for his own gas and a portion of his car insurance.
4. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he will also get serious about being more responsible, and that means learning directions and street names. He has gone completely insane if he thinks I'm going to turn him loose behind the wheel of a car without knowing where he is or where he's going.

Honestly, he looked at me like I was from another planet when I said all this. And then he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. But you know what? Since then, every single time we drive somewhere together, he asks me what street we're on, and he looks at the compass on my rear view mirror to see what direction we're going in. He still doesn't understand why he has to bother to know whether he's going north or east but at least he's trying.

[masseyman]

As I said in my earlier post, I was raised up to be grown up early. However, my mom was and still is a very affectionate mom. Til I was a teenager I would lay down with my head on her leg and watch tv at night (2 fuzzy stations ), and I was supposedly a "tough" farm boy. My father wasn't physically affectionate, but none the less a very loving parent. I think he thought it admirable that his son's would treat their mother, and his wife, with adoring affection. So I guess I'm some where in the middle. I know I was comfortable with my mom showing public affection toward me and taking the 'ribbing' from my pals at school when she showed it.

I think that your son, Toomutch, is a fortunate young man to have a mom that was like mine. He'll be better off knowing your not afraid to show him affection your way, and very respectfully, their dad can be proud that they love their mom so much.

[ToABetterMe]

Originally Posted by shezbak

I just ran across this thread and so glad i did. I am back in the program with 7 1/2 months sober. I gave up 18 years of sobriety to try crystal meth on a resentment against my x-husband. well, i dont have to tell you how that turned out... im now in the process of trying to get back custody of my two boys ~ ages 10 and 13. I can see the tell-tale signs of adolescense creeping into both of them, the 10 year old bouncing off of his big brother. it doesnt help that they've had so much "boys club" atmosphere with my x. i know that deep down inside they are good boys, fortunately i was only out 11 months (seems like eternity) but the rest of their precious lives ive been a sober mom. thanks for being a sounding board! heather in hawaii

I wanted to say Welcome to the board! I hope you stay & post & find the support you need to stay sober! All the best with getting your boys back in your life for good! :praying